(Previously titled "Musings in Solitary'; updated 1.16.21 Saturday, 5:01pm)
It's been almost a month since I last heard from you.
Everyday, I have thoughts about you.
These thoughts are random, fleeting but vivid. It lingers.
You cross my mind every minute. You're always in my mind.
I have come to know your two different personalities, so different from each other and yet, I know, that my heart is open to love both of them. My heart wants to love you whoever you are... your two different types and all the other types of you. I want to love the sweet, affectionate and lovable one and even the "asshole" one. I'm afraid to say I may be truly, deeply in love with you. It will take a lot of courage for me to admit this.
We haven't been together for a very long time and yet I know that you are the one that I want. You are the one for me indeed! Time flies so fast when I'm with you. I love being with you. I enjoy every moment. You have no idea how much I think about all the times we were together and how I cherish all the times we spent with each other. I just wish you had more time for me.
I knew it all along. I was too scared to come out because you are too playful. I already died once and for me, it's my new life on the line. I don't want to die again. No! It just can't happen again! But you have taken too much regard for yourself, you don't even know you're already hurting me.
Where are you now? Are you gone forever? What happens to our magic? It's sad that we ended up this way. My world feels magic when I'm with you. I want to feel that magic again.
You have often mistaken it as pride. You are so blinded to see that it's a facade. You don't know how annoyed I am everytime you reject me. And yet you refuse to believe that you do it all the time. I grew up being rejected over and over again. I grew up being scorned, criticized, ostracized by people close to me. I hate it! I have mastered putting up a strong front. I put up a face that shouts I wouldn't need anyone but in reality, I always have loved being around people. In the same way I love always being around you. I am so used to people pushing me away. I am sick of 'em saying he had too much of me. It ruins me. It destroys me. It's devastating! So I choose to wear a mask. It just simplifies things. It helps not to hurt too much.
A mask that hides the true me.
Someone who is vulnerable...
wanting...
full of ardent desires...
someone who has so much love to give.
Someone who is waiting for you to love her the same way she would love you.
For a moment, I thought it was you. I'm still hoping it's you. I don't want to scare you off, but this is just me.
At this point in time, I can't help but say: it could have been beautiful if only you waited for me.
