Hostile Drama

                It drains the life out of me. This can't be happening until now. It's unbelievable! 

                If it doesn't fit the definition of a bipolar disorder nor a a psychotic breakdown, then I don't know what the fuck this is! How do you contain someone who becomes hostile, violent and is seriously determined to harm you physically and verbally? As if the mere fact that she's your mother is not heartbreaking enough, that the responsibility of keeping the situation stable is on you. You get questioned, analyzed and blamed for the outcome of the hostile drama that your own mother triggered. Not towards you initially, she was taunting her own brother and you can't be stoic about it because the revert will be bloody.

            

            You also can't talk about it with no one because it will expose your rotten secret that you have a despicable and contemptible mother and the simple fact that you are telling the truth will make you an ungrateful daughter. Truth be told, no matter how much I try to conceal the putrid reality of this so called beautiful family, the scent is just unmistakable for the olfactory receptors. 

            

            If only I can puke my guts out, then I had already been inside out decades ago, and that still wouldn't be enough to bring me a bit of relief.

           I'd rather not engage in anything if this is what keeps on happening. I'm not sure why they don't get it. I even became the pariah on the surface but it's my little freedom from this highly toxic hostile drama. Why don't you just rest in peace. Please.

So Who is Arthur?

              I met him in Siargao same month last year. It was my last night in Siargao when he approached me and took time to get to know me deep. He told me he finds me very, very attractive and that he likes that I could carry a conversation with him because not all females are able to do so. I guess he thought there was connection between him & I, though I never really felt the same way. I think he just complimented my full arm tattoo and I was impelled to talk about it's meaning. He shared about his personal thoughts, how he can relate and how his experience with his dad moved him. There was a part where in I withdrew from the party and just hung out by myself at the pool. He found me, told me he was looking for me and we made more conversation. He pulled me back to the party and we partied a little bit more. I remember several hugs from him and he took my information so we can connect more. He made my Siargao trip complete. He made me giddy and my trip euphoric.

            Nine months later he messaged me to tell me he's tempted to visit the islands in the Philippines again and would like to get suggestions from me on where to go. I was on social media fasting then so I found his direct message 5 weeks after he sent it. I felt like it was the most exciting message I will ever get this year or did get at the very least. I actually felt the message completed my year. I may be exaggerating to say the least but my instincts never fail me.

                I don't do casual sex. It's not my thing. There will always be several opportunities but I'm not interested to just have sex with anyone. I have to be both sexually attracted and emotionally stimulated before I can consider to have sex with someone. I never thought to have sex with Arthur though his gestures suggest he is interested in me. I would think he probably had that on his mind because he did not lack passion and sexual innuendos. I prefer to remain oblivious because I probably don't want to explicitly reject the idea. I realize just now that I want the same thing or maybe I'm just interested to find out how things will play out. The way we crossed paths in Siargao feels like something out of a love story-quietly, unexpectedly romantic. The way he reached out, eager to discover the depths of who I am, stirs something deep within me. I've been longing to connect with someone on a deeper level emotionally and physically. Since I'm not used to having sex casually, I know that I may get attached deeply. I will probably end up imagining a relationship. I will probably wish for the relationship to be more than just sex but it doesn't necessarily mean I want to be in a relationship because I'm not in love. Love takes time and it is a decision. I've been single for a long time because I value my freedom and I'm having a damn good time being single. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. Though I want to dance around the flirting and the idea of romance a little bit.

                  You were present, warm and highly interested at first but then your sudden shift to being cold, distant and withdrawn was so glaring that it was offensive. I was appalled that you chose to end our contact by completely ignoring me while we were still together in your bed. The fact that you were able to carry deep conversations with me several times and then suddenly, you become isolated while I was still present in your room was downright rude. It felt like I did or said something mad that hurt you. Truth be told I got really disappointed at first because I really liked you. You were so passionate with me and you made yourself seem likeable and available. I could have assumed this is another one of men's typical deceptive pursuit of flesh. Another illusion of romance just to attain sexual desires. It could be a typical male strategy of a hunt for meat or not. 

                   It's so easy to talk things thru. I'm after mutual understanding but you cut me off completely so fast like you got really scared and that you were clueless on how to deal with it so you just withdrew. I remember how you told me why you don't drink coffee. You said you might like it that you would want to drink it everyday that's why you never drink coffee. This is the part where I can honestly say the situation and the relationship can be discussed. We're both full grown adults. I can handle friendship because I'm not in love with you. I'm not emotionally invested at all. So what seems to be the problem? What causes emotional immaturity? The fact that I can see right thru you tells me I got you wrapped around my finger.

                I guess I'll just let you know when I'm in London. I already told you: "You only get one fucking ticket!" I can't believe you tried to lose it the morning after I literally gave you the ticket. Come to think of it. You were definitely not deceptive. It was straightforward which is what draws me into the experience. It was raw and real. The ambiguity of the silence is magnetic. I will see you when I see you. Soon.

**

Arthur is not his real name by the way. I don't know where I got Arthur but I called him Arthur. He called me out on it in person when he came back to Manila after a year.

   

You're A Different Kind of Psycho

        

        A psychotic person accurately defines you. You're someone who exhibits a mental or emotional unsoundness or instability. Most of your behavior with me suggests all the possible definitions of unstable and unsound which are mostly cringe-worthy. I really don't want to be scared with the way you behave with me but it feels like I'll just be in complete denial if I would still try to convince myself that there's nothing wrong with you because your conduct infers otherwise.

        

        The funny thing about you is that you are actually capable of admitting all your mistakes, all your craziness and all your unstable behavior. You already did admit defeat before and I see you doing it again and again. You go back and forth in a very aggressive way which is exhausting. You actually are the only person I know who can be capable of admission and denial of guilt simultaneously in an aggressive manner.

        

        Things you say change in a matter of seconds. It's like you're just thinking out loud and blaming everything to the person you're talking to.

            To be honest, I don't think I can still help you anymore. I think I did more than enough for you but it's never enough and I'm still the bad person. I blocked you 6 years ago. Your life shattered into pieces. We reunited and you made me feel guilty that's why I felt obligated to redeem you. Now that you're better, I'm still the one with the bad attitude that's why we argue all the time according to you. I avoided you again and again to keep my peace. I tried but you simply just can't handle it. You can't handle without hearing from me for a long time. I just muted you and I quietly exited the scenes. I silently stepped away to avoid any drama. I remained passive and nonchalant. You can't handle it. It's absolutely necessary for you to restore our communication so you can say or do something to tick me off so drama would ensue. 

 

            Why do I allow it, you ask? I'm sure you know why. While it racks my brain how and why you do it like a pro, that I get blindsided by your ridiculous pattern, you package yourself to be my good, old, familiar friend. How can I not buy that? I genuinely think you are because I genuinely am. I know I can't block you anymore because that's another bait for you to pull me back to one of your life dramas. I'm done with all your drama!

           If you ask me, I wanted to remain good friends with you. I really do want to keep you because you have proven yourself someone worth keeping.  But there's something deeply wrong with you that you're still not satisfied with whatever relationship we can still have that you have to initiate chaos. You're supposed to be better but you make a big mess of something that can be peaceful. I can no longer allow you to still continue all your sneaky mental and emotional abuse. Enough is enough!

                You will never hear anything from me ever again. This is it. I won't block you but you will remain restricted and this will be final! You have to let me keep my peace because I deserve this peace. I worked so damn hard to keep my peace and it's mine to keep. It's my life and you have no right to take my peace away from me. Go take your drama some place else but definitely not with me.

                    It's over! I won't buy any more of our sneaky drama. Leave me alone. Please!

Chasing The Dream

What is a dream? What is a fantasy?

Let's dig in the semantics of these words. 

A dream is defined as a strongly desired goal, purpose or an idea that fully satisfies a wish. An "idea" notable for its beauty, excellence and enjoyable quality.

An IDEA.

A fantasy is the power or process of creating especially unrealistic or improbable mental images in response to psychological need.

What if I'm only after the chase?

Once I have what I'm chasing after, what will I chase next? What if there's none after? 

Once I take the plunge and settle down, then my fantasy will become a reality and I don't like realities. Reality is so far from fantasy. 

This is how I see marriage and family. It's something that I need to look forward to but I don't really intend to actually execute it. It's like looking at a fantasy and enjoying how I'm looking at it. I want to bask in the thrill of chasing after the dream. If I'll have that fantasy, then it will no longer be my fantasy. It will become my reality and reality is so different from fantasy. I want it to remain a fantasy.

What if I just need something to dangle right in front of my face so I can chase after it because it's the journey I'm really after. Not the ending. 

I think I got everything that I need but I want to just keep chasing the dream.

Now, who would want to chase that dream with me? I can chase after that ideal someone too. 

As You Wish Bitch!

You were toxic again last night. For a short while I thought I wouldn't get that kind of energy from you anymore but maybe some things about you will never really change. I decided to create this write up as a testament maybe that things do unfold naturally. I feel confident about my predictions because I'm able to harmonize with the flow of cosmic energy. I don't counter it. I just accept things as it is and I learn to embrace my fate or what life brings me.

You were hostile again last night. You always make a grand statement about yourself that you are capable of this and that and that you are comfortable telling me because I'm your friend thats why you tell me. I don't get it. Nobody says these things to me but you. I would never go tell any of my friends that I'm capable of this and that if it's not relevant to them. What for? Unless there's something that I need to figure out about it and I need their opinion.

Imagine, this was your grand statement: "I can make myself love someone if I want to and I can teach myself to unlove someone if I want to."

I only asked you if you were self-aware about how you looked at me when you were in love with me because you relayed to me an instance when your cousin called you out doing it to a waitress. You said yes, you're aware and we're back to your statements about your grandiose self-image. I brought up my letter to you that I've written back in June because there were so many things written there that are relevant to the topic at hand but I just can't bring myself to tell you outright. You're not ready. Then your tone changed. You want me to write things down so I can look back at it and we'll see if everything I've written down is right. It's like you got pissed and then you accused me of bringing up my letter to you all the time because I'm trying to feed your mind to make things happen according to my plan.

So here I am writing my feelings to oblivion. You drained me. You were toxic. After that conversation with you, I realized I don't want to continue talking to you anymore. I already said this months ago and I told myself I'm going to just mute you because I couldn't bear the aftermath in your life the last time I removed you in mine that I felt the need to redeem you. So we're back to silence. Though you will always have a reason to reach out to me. Last time your maximum was 12 days. It became longer because you noticed how I was trying to ignore you by calling out your hostility.

I don't know how to tell you that I can't stand your toxicity. Maybe by the time that you read this, you'd get the idea but that will be such a long wait from now.

I need my peace. I think I've done more than enough for you. What else do you want from me? Haven't you had enough? If you're just going to be a fake friend to me then I don't need you in my life anymore. Go! Do whatever the hell you want! Enjoy your life. Leave me the fuck alone! For the record, I have always been a good friend to you despite all your evil but you're never a good friend to me. You never have been a good friend. You're not a good friend and you never will be. You just pretend to be my friend because you need something from me and you can't stand to be alone. I just learned to remove all the hate in my life and accept things as it is. I value my peace and my life is more peaceful without you around. That's the truth. So you can pretend all you want but the truth will always prevail.

The Love I Knew Was Fucking Lie

I've known it all along. I've known it's been lying to me all along but I just dance along it's music. It's been lying to me. It's still is lying to me and it will continue to lie to me.

I keep trying to remember how love looks like and when I do remember it, I feel happy. It was true love indeed. But it lied. End of story. 

I keep telling myself that I still have hope. That I will find love and love will find me. I'll find my love and the right man for me. But my subconscious is too powerful. It gained it's wisdom thru experience. The greatest man I ever knew-the first love of my life has been lying to my face and he will do everything to maintain the lies. The love I knew was a fucking lie.

No matter how hard I try to pretend that I'm looking for true love, the truth weighs more. There's no truth in love. Love is pain. Love is suffering. Love is sacrifice. Love is hell. It doesn't really have to be but it is in my reality. I didn't choose this life. I'm an offspring of two people who were in love and over time this is what true love is.

This is why I always thought I'm looking for true love but in reality, I've had enough of it. I've witnessed hell from love. I seriously thought I want to be in love with a man. That I need a man to love me and to be with. But I know it all comes with a price and it's not pretty. Because the love I knew was a fucking lie! It lied to me and it will continue the lies.

Fuck love!

The Sum of All Fears

SIX MINUTES & THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS

Where: Reena's Pad at Pililia St.

Date: September, 2015 

X: Okay ba? Okay, recording. Umm.. ocge what happened is not supposed to happen.

T: Okay.

X: Okay? Mali. I don't like it. But it did. So diba nawitness mo naman kung ganung kahirap sakin matanggap yun. Umm.. to set the records straight, I don't want it to happen again. 

X: uh, I've decided.. that we're not going to talk it.. talk about it ever again.

T: Mkay.

X: I will pretend that it never happened.

T: Okay.

X: Okay? 

X: So since magaling naman ako jan diba? And hazy naman sakin yung i.., deed although I know that it happened eh. Hazy sakin pero an.. alamu yun, andun yung.. hinde, it happened. And it's fucked up. Gladys fucked up. Ganun yung naaalala ko. Although yun lang yung picture na naaalala ko. Yon. Uhmm.. so hindi ko sha pwedeng makalimutan but I've decided that we're going to pretend that it never happened.

T: Okay.

X: With terms and conditions shempre.. hahaha

X: It will never happen again. You have to promise me. You have to give me your word. kase I can't promise you.. kase you know me. I like ff.. fucking around. I like getting stoned. I like getting wasted. There are times that I like that because every time we're together.. alamu yun, may mga times eh.. na okay to. Perfect to. And I can't, we can't, all of us can't really predict what's gonna happen on that night. Diba?

And you can't just tell me na, 'o di iiwas ako pag may ganun, iiwasan kita. That's stupid eh. Kase we're friends, we're barkada eh. 

T: cough

X: So it will.. diba one way or another you have to be there. Kahit marami tayo, meron, may times na darating na it will just be the two of us. Ako, a- kaya ko. Diba, kase wala sha sa utak ko e. Para sakin nga ang state of mind ko it never should have happened eh. 

Eto Gladys, kung nasa ras, rasyonalidad ako, rational thinking.. I will never do it. It will never cross my mind and it's not, I can't do it. It's not a, ganna happen. So yung sinasabi kong the weight is on you, gets mo ba? Kase ikaw eh. Ikaw yuuung gumawa non. Kahit sabihin mong hindi mo naman gagawin yun kapagka hindi ko gusto eh that's stupid. That's fucked up. Kase kung rationale, nasa rationality ako, ayoko non!

T: Eh ako rin naman eh

X: I know! So we're both. Sabihin nating wala ka sa katinuan kaya nagawa mo yun but you did. Tapos na. Nagawa na eh. So.. ito nga yung terms and conditions ko. Cge, we're.. I'm going to pretend that it never happened. We're never gonna to talk about it again.

T: mkay.

X: This is going to be the last time that we're going to talk about it.

T: Okay.

X: Okay? Because it never happened eh. Yun terms and conditions ko, given that yun nga, you're gan give me your word that it's never ganna happen again.

T: Yes.

X: No matter what happens. Kahit sabihin ko sayong gusto ko. Naintindihan mo?

T: mkay. 

X: Kase in the right state of mind. Xyra's right state of mind, she will never do that. Ever. It will never cross her mind. It's not even an option. Ibaa.. indi ako, iba ko eh. 

T: Oh

X: Diba. Kilala mo ko. Diba? Ang gusto ko ngang i-sex yung pang asawa ko na e. So imposible talagang it will cross my mind. Naintindihan mo? It never will. And right now, again, I'm going to pretend, it never did. It will ne-eh, basta it will never happen again.

T: okay.

X: Kahit anung mangyari. Kahit maghubad ako sa harap mo Gladys!

T: okay.

X: Walang malisya sakin yun

T: okay.

X: okay? Alam ko sinasabi ko sayo to kase alam kong mahirap sayo yun. Diba?

T: giggles

X: hahaha hindi easy sayo yun

T: okay.

X: kase.. parang.. the fact that you did that.. sakin..

X: diba? Alamu na napag-usapan na natin to kagabi.

T: mkay. 

X: So yung sinasabi ko sayo.. ang.. naalala ko pinag-usapan natin kagabi.. hindi mo gagawin yun pero pag sinabi kong gusto ko gagawin natin diba? Hahaha usapan natin. Ngayon, I'm setting the records straight. Kase there's no fucking way that I would want that.

T: okay.

T: edi okay.

X: Hindi gagawin, hindi mangyayari yun at hindi sha mangyayari kahit magkasama tayo sa kwarto, sabog ako, wasak ako, maghubad ako, walang mangyayari Gladys.

T: okay. 

X: You have to give me your word.

T: owkay. 

X: O yun yung terms and conditions ko. Diba yun lang? Simple lang diba? And we're never ganna talk about it ever again. 

T: okay.

X: it never happened.

T: okay.

X: Ganun. Ganun yung mangyayare ah. Walang nangyare. Pero meron tayong inside joke all the time. Hahaha alamu na.. kung alamu pag binabanggit ko yun may inside joke na tayong dalawa. Iniisip ko nga kung..

T: Wag ka ng mag inside joke! 

X: Hinde!

T: Bakit pa?!

X: Kase nakakatawa e! Hahaha nakakatawa diba? Nakakatawa naman talga eh. Pero ch.. naisip ko.. ocge we're never ganna to talk about it again. I'm going to pretend it never did. It never did. I can joke about it because it never happened. Ya understand?

T: ocge

X: The inside joke? It never happened e.

T: pero hindi ka naman nagjjoke ng ganun before e o bakit ngayon magjjoke ka na?

X: eh ito na yung repercussions ng nangyari

T: ocge.

X: nangyari e but it never happened diba? So we can joke about it because w.. wala namang nangyari e.

T: okay.

X: wasak ako e. Diba?

T: okay.

X: Pero, iniisip ko rin.. naisip ko kase gusto ko sabihin kina Johann hahahaha 

T: putra.. siraulo? (inaudible)

X: bullshit laughs

X: kase nakakatawa diba? Pagka boys magegets nila yun e diba they do that e hahaha gets mo? Diba magkakawave length kayo alam nila yan pag aasarin ka nalang non pero yun nga basta so far ito yung deal ko. Never happened at walang mangyayari ulit. Okay?

T: okay.

X: Agree!

T: Agree!

X: End of recording.

ELEVEN MINUTES & THIRTY ONE SECONDS

Where: Inside Bumble Boo while on hazard in front of my place

When: September 2015

X: Start of recording.

X: Anung tinarantadu kita tas ginago kita?

T: eh.. 

X: I never said that.

T: oo pero ganun yung.. ganun yung..

X: Wait lang. Again, we're recording for the second time kase merong mga realizations na nangyari after we've discussed about what happened the night of September 23 or 22 basta at Prime Residences. Kase narealize ko rin yun after a few days when we recorded something. Something that we've agreed na we're never ganna talk about it? Because it never happened. Now, we're talking about it. Kase, I noticed on that recording, hindi ka nagsalita. Tapos ngayon may sinasabi ka. So, you were saying..

T: Nagsorry, nagsosorry ako sayo diba

X: Dun sa, what happened

T: Sa, yes. Kase kaibigan kita and you're saying sakin na, "Gladys, in my state of mind, so you were saying that it's just me that did it. So, ako, parang inaano mo sakin na..

X: No, no, no, no. You misinterpret me. Dun sa sinabi ko sayo na: "In my state of mind, I will never do that." Hindi ko ibig sabihin na, ikaw, gusto mo! You understand? Kase nangyari na yun. I understand na pareho tayong wasak kase sa totoo lang

T: O kaya nga I feel sorry

X: Oonga. Hindi ko kase talaga

T: Kase kaibigan din kita

X: Yes.

T: Diba magkaibigan tayo. Ayoko rin naman na mawala ka sakin. Kaya nga sabi ko sayo non, ikaw pinagdedecide ko anu bang gusto mo? Gusto mo ba wala nalang maglayo nalang tayo hindi nalang tayo magkikita. Ikaw ang pinagdecide ko kase I can't decide at that moment. Right now nagsosorry ako because of what happened. Pero I feel sorry for what happened. 

It's not.. kase.. it.. when you say you feel sorry o, you feel sorry. You feel sad of what happened. Get mo? Pero I'm not saying na I'm admitting it. It's my fault. 

X: Oo. I understand. Pero yun nga kase yung sinasabi mo, yung words mo kanina sinasabi ko na ginago kita, hindi ko ginusto yun, na sinasabi ko pala na sinabi, na sinasabi ko sayo na, 'ginago mo ko Gladys, hindi ko gusto yun, ikaw lang may gusto non. Hindi yun yung, I don't mean that.

T: oo, na namisinterpret ko yung recording mo

X: oo, ang sinasabi ko.. what I meant.. kase diba uhm.. ikaw, tomboy ka Gladys, ako straight. 

T: oo

X: Yung nangyayari pag lasing ka is in your subconscious mind.

T: okay

X: yung sinasabi ko sa recording, it will never cross my mind. It's not even in my subconscious mind. Kung mawawasak ako, hindi.. ako nga yung type na hindi ko nga naiisip makipagsex eh! Pag wasak ako, pag lasing ako. Diba nag-aagree ka nga dun sa recording. Kilala mo ko eh. Diba? Nai, naiisip mo ba na ganun akong tao. Kilala mo naman ako e.

T: Hindi ko alam kase that night ano pa ba yung mga pinag-uusapan natin

X: No, no, no, no, general to. General. Not on that night. Xyra. As herself. Pag lasing nalilibog? Pagkakakilala mo sakin. 

T: Hindi ka naman nalalasing e. Kelan ka ba naglalalasing. 

X: General to. Kunyari.. general, gets mo ba? 

T: Onga kelan ka pag time na magkaka, nalasing ka

X: oo, ako ba yung ganung type. Kunyari yung wala ko sa sarili, ang gugustuhin ko bang, makipagsex. Gets mo ba?

T: I wouldn't know that because I've never seen you drunk.

X: Anu ka ba lagi akong lasing diba

T: Kelan? 

X: Sumusuka nga ako jan sa fortuner. Ang dameng nangyayaring hindi ko naaalala, sa Opus.

T: Once lang yun diba sa Fortuner na kasama nyo ko na lasing na lasing ka

X: Yes

T: Every time nag-iinuman tayo sino bang lasing? Kame naman laging lasing ah.

X: Ocge, pag nalalasing ako, nakikita mo ba ko na ako yung maghahanap ng sex pag lasing?

T: Hinde kase ang nakikita ko lang naman sayo nagsususuka ka, basag ka

X: Yun nga. So parang ang point ko lang kase non. Um.. ka-sakin, general to e. I'm not pinpointing on you. I'm not pin pointing pero, generally, ang, ang tao pag nalalasing sila, dalawa yan, naghahanap sila ng violence or sex. Earthly desires or sex. Ganun din yung TREND NG LAHAT diba pag lasing. OKAY. Nag.. diba. Someone will sleep around. Someone will sleep with someone. Ganun yung trend! Pero ako hindi kase ako yung kagaya nila. Diba you do that. Si Angela. Ikaw. Everyone! Johann! Pam! Diba? That's the, that's the norm! Sa mundo natin? Ako ba yung one of them? Na pag lasing naghahanap ako ng 

T: ocge bakit

X: Naiintindihan mo ba yung point ko?

T: oo naiintindihan ko.

X: I'm not saying na, "ikaw, ganun ka eh!" Pero ako. Eto ko Gladys. Hindi ko naiisip yun.

T: okay. 

X: alamu yon. 

T: Oo.

X: Kaya ko, pag pinapakinggan ko yung recording, naa-nag-aagree ka sakin sinabi ko yung part na yun. Kilala mo ko diba? Oo, you agreed. So, alamu. You know me. But I'm not saying na ikaw lang may gusto non kase hindi ako yun eh naintindihan mo? Wala kong sinabing ganon. Ang sinabi ko lang 'but it already happened e'.

T: oo.

X: Hindi mo rin alam. Sinabi mo rin kase 'Hindi ko rin, ako rin naman e!' Oonga andun na tayo. Pero it already happened. Gets mo?

T: oo.

X: So pero hindi kita sinisisi. Gets mo. Yun lang. Yung ako kilala mo ko. When I said it's not in my subconscious mind. Wala talga sha. Kung magkakaron man ako ng inclination, ngayon nga lang nangyari sakin yan diba. Inaadmit ko naman yan e out loud. Ngayon, I'm longing for sex. I miss having sex. Kase before, after my expe, after my relationship with Ace, I don't experience that. Yung namimiss ko yung sex. Now, I do. 

T: oonga sinabi mo kagabi. 

X: When after I experienced having sex with Marlon, with Daniel. Namimiss ko. I miss it. I can have sex with any, with boys, marami, pwede, pero yung vow ko eh. You know it. I want to do it.. my next sexual activity will be within marriage. So you think, pag nalasing ako, papasok sa utak ko yun? 'Ay makikipagsex ako!' Diba? Yun lang. Again, I'm not blaming you. I decided to record again kase nga dun sa first recording natin hindi ka nagsalita. And again, we ah.. both agreed that we're not ganna talk about it anymore but we are talking about it now. 

T: okay.

X: So, kaya nirecord ko.

T: okay. 

X: So anu yung..

T: last na to. Na pag-uusapan natin.

X: Anu yung sasabihin mo? Meron ka pang sasabihin?

T: Wala na. Ja, yun lang. Yung sinabi ko kanina na

X: So at least,

T: Nagsorry ako. Kase parang ano eh. Hindi ko alam kung ano pero ako, kaya ko na rin shang ano e. Get mo? Wala na.

X: oo

T: Pwede eh. Nakita mo naman tayo parang balik nalang tayo sa normal diba.

X: oo

T: Pero parang I felt na hindi ako nagsalita non parang 

X: oo

T: I think I owe you that na kailangan

X: oo

T: magsalita naman ako diba

X: at least you feel the same way

T: kase wala e. Nakita mo naman non

X: naramdaman ko rin yun

T: hindi ko alam e. Hindi ko alam kung anung gagawin, anung iisipin ko. Hindi ko alam kung anung sasabihin ko.

X: oo

T: hindi ko alam.

X: Oo. Nakita ko rin naman na you got really rattled.

T: Yung sa recording ikaw lang nagsalita. Oo lang ako ng oo.

X: oo

T: Pero ngayon gusto kase magkaibigan tayo e diba parang.. and I, I feel sorry kung anu yung nangyari non eh, get mo?

X: mm

T: Dapat hindi naman nangyari yun kase friends tayo e

X: Totoo. And again sabi ko sayo masakit sakin yung nangyari

T: I know alam ko sinasabi mo na ikaw ganyan masakit ah ikaw yung, ikaw yung mahihirapan. Ganyan ganyan. Ganyan ganyan.

X: oo, oo

T: Ako, sabi ko diba ako yung mahihirapan. Ganyan ganyan. Naiintindihan ko pero shempre sa part mo alam ko yun. Alam ko na mahirap yun. Kaya nga hindi ko nga alam kung papanu kita iko- hindi ko alam kung papanu ko sasabihin sayo 

X: Hindi. Masakit sakin yung nangyari, may nangyari satin na we did that although madali ko shang i-brush off coz I already gave my word na we're going to pretend that it never happened.

T: Ya! Ako rin naman e. Kaya ko na rin sha kalimutan e.

X: Kase, totoo e. Easy sha sakin. Hindi. Unang, in the first place, hindi ko sha mashado naaalala, ang naaalala ko lang yung picture na yon. That fucking image that you were doing something sakin. Yun lang! The rest, WALA! Hindi ko nga naaalalang nagkiss tayo, how we went there? Wala. Yun lang! I just know that something happened. MALI! At again, kung iisipin ko, kung tatanggapin kong may nangyari, hindi na kita magiging kaibigan kase hindi okay sakin yon. Alam mo yung vow ko. But something happened. So, to save you. Our friendship. Kase mahal kita Gladys e. I've decided na. Hindi. To pretend that nothing happened. And again. Another one. Another point. Pag inisip kong andaling gawin! If I did it with someone, ang, it's so easy for me to do it again. It will be so much easy for me to do it with you again. You know why? Kase hindi ka lalaki. Wala kong nararamdamang mabigat na feeling parang wala, BABAE! Okay lang yan! Nalilibog ako, gusto ko Gladys. Let's do it! But I'm not that type. I.. Xyra is not that person. Diba? I can be but Xyra is not that type of person e. But again, sinasabi ko posible diba? Babae ako and naiintindihan ko na ang libog, naintindihan mo ba?

T: Mm-mm

X: But again, hindi ko sha gustong gawin sa babae. We're so close sobrang parang komportable na tayo sa isa't isa. Alam ko na nga kung anung nararamdaman mo e nakikita palang kita. Kanina nga alam ko na agad e kung anung nararamdaman mo may pinagdadaanan ka na. Diba? Nakita lang kita non na ganun ka. Diba so parang ayoko mawala ka Gladys. I have to do this. I have to pretend that nothing happened.

T: okay

X: okay I just wanna let that out. 

T: yun lang.

X: pero happy ako na nagsalita ka. Kase nasa isip ko yun eh pag pinapakinggan ko tong recording. Hindi sha nagsalita. Umoo lang sha ng umoo parang napilitan or siguro kase nahiya dahil may nangyari umoo nalang ng umoo. So okay nako na you gave your words. Yun lang.

T: okay. 

X: Do you have any last message?

T: wala na. 

X: K, end of recording.