My Unspoken Words of Affliction Will Remain Unspoken

(Inspired by Juan Miguel Severo)


Forgive me mother, for I have a hard time catching up with the swing of things
     And if I don’t remember the sequence of events
Forgive me father, if I always forget what I’m about to say
     And if I lose track of where I’m supposed to be or what I’m supposed to do
Forgive me sisters, if I always forget, I never remember critical things
     And it ruins my own flow of routines
Forgive me brother for I don’t know where to start or where to end
     And I usually don’t remember my case and point
It has been part of my mundane rut; my daily battle!

Forgive me because aside from not remembering people I talk to everyday
And what the talk was all about
I also am unable to distinguish people I already know
From people I haven’t met before in my life
Forgive me for I have the unbelievable habit 
Of experiencing things for the very first time
When it has been part of my routine for years
Only because I never remember
Forgive me for I never remember how to focus 
Forgive me for I have a hard time recognizing red lights

Forgive me for my persistent ability to make things disappear
Forgive me for this has never been part of my plans
Forgive me for this is a failure! This is impossible!
Forgive me for this is me so forgive me for being me

But why am I a failure?
Why is this my mundane rut?
Help me understand why because I want to move forward
It’s hard to move forward if I never remember the next step
I am clueless!
Sometimes I feel like I’m in abyss
It doesn’t end and I’m going in circles
I need someone to pull me out of the infinite
And while I’m in the process of figuring things out on my own
All I can do is hope and pray that you forgive me
Forgive me and I will forgive you

Forgive me if I am worthless!
But you really didn’t have to say that to my face 700 times on New Year’s Eve
Forgive me for I never remember
And my thought process is a mayhem
But you telling me I’m a worthless person
A worthless sister!
It tattooed a memory that replays
Every second it replays
My daily persecution!
So forgive me and I will forgive you

Forgive me sisters and brother for acquiring this twisted retention span
Forgive me if I never forget the subtle ways you abandoned me
Forgive me for retaining things that happened or never really happened
I don’t even know why or how
But on my mind they reside; it’s their dwelling place
Forgive me and I will forgive you

Forgive me sister and I will forgive you
For consciously believing I choose to be in this condition
You consciously believed I want this upon me so I can get away with things easily
Just because I am a spoiled brat
And this is MY CHOICE
And that is YOUR BELIEF
Forgive me and I will forgive you

Oh, our dearest mother is a whole different book
Forgive me for I never forget how our mother persecutes me every single day
Forgive me for I vividly remember how she condemns me every chance she gets
And each chance is valuable to her
Our mother is a blunt reminder of my blunders
Every time it escapes my memory
With fervent diligence she gives it back to me and everything ends there
Forgive me for I remember how our mother sees me drowning every single day
And she sits there to watch me drown myself with my own tears
Forgive me for I watch her staring at me blankly
Forgive me for I doubtlessly remember our innocent mother 
Forgive me and I will forgive you 
For watching our mother flay up on me everyday
As she cuddles each of you everyday
Forgive me and I will forgive you

Forgive me for I never forget how our mother looks at me with prodding eyes
In my darkest hour, she speaks to me with a piercing tongue
Forgive me for I remember
A language she uses with me and me alone
But I am not allowed to feel pain
Because she is my mother
Father said I was born to just understand
That our mother is our mother
A mother who will inflict pain on me deliberately
Consciously or unconsciously
Practically and existentially
That I was made to understand and accept my fate
That I am expected to swallow everything whole and be happy
Because in this family, I am the one and only being capable to hurt everyone
And I can never feel pain
With me, pain is an exaggeration!
So forgive me if my pains are amplified
I just need to pull myself together and just be me again
So forgive me and I will forgive you

Oh dear sister, as you watch our mother execute my daily persecution
You were always there to watch
You are fully aware of her damning fetish towards me
Sometimes you even volunteer her forsaking words that kill me in silence
Forgive me for I remember our mother
Our mother as my eternal damnation
Indeed, she is perpetual!
And on each encounter
You watch closely as our sister replay my eternal damnation
I never imagined multiple, eternal damnation is possible!
Oh yeah! It is possible!

Forgive me for I vividly remember despite my own brand of amnesia
On the night of your downfall
I was there for you every step of the way
Forgive me for I kept pulling you back 
When it was always your choice to fly into the abyss
Forgive me for I backed you up and veered you away from your own persecution
A persecution that only YOU catapulted to!
On the night of my downfall
I get crushed to the ground!
And you are my beloved pestle
I tiptoe on the cliff and you push me to the edge
Sweet turned sour
Mild turned harsh
Forgive me and I will forgive you

And you dear brother
Forgive me for hurting you
I didn’t mean to
I didn’t even realize I was smashing your face with my finger
All I know at that very moment is that you already killed me
You killed me when I wanted so much to be alive
God knows I want to be alive!
But all your judging eyes and stabbing voices
Just brings me back to the dead in an instant
Coz I think I already died
I am uncertain if I survived an accident which I never remembered
Coz today, I’d rather be dead than alive

Forgive me for being weak
If it’s self-loath that tuck me in at night
And it’s self-pity that wake me up in the day
For these are the only things that keep me sane
All because you deny your arms for just one sweet embrace
And all of you chose to point your fingers at me instead
When it’s utter chaos underneath
I am clueless!
Sometimes I feel like I’m in abyss
It doesn’t end and I’m going in circles
I need someone to pull me out of the infinite

Forgive me sister if I take offense
From your incriminating words of persecution
Every time I want to be human even just for a time
That I choose to have a breather from our mother’s eternal damnation
Forgive me and I will forgive you
For pointing your fingers at me in spite of our mother’s eternal damnation
Forgive me and I will forgive you
For being numb, deaf and blind with your own words not mine
That is like a dagger that murders
And pierces my heart the same way as our mother’s
Forgive me if I implode every time I feel pain
For I never remember
That I was born only to accept pain and just stagger
Forgive me for I never remember
That my pains are never valid
Forgive me if I forget
Forgive me because I forget
Forgive me
And I will forgive you
Forgive me
And I will forgive you
Forgive me..