Composed on December 30, 2015 on my Iphone
Ate, I need to tell you something. I spent time in creating this message to you coz I don't want you to think I'm creating another issue. Apparently, I have trouble in expressing myself to my family.
I've been wanting to go back to the time where in we talked over FB chat about mum. I remember I was checked in at Maxim's with my friends and I have an interview in the morning at Solaire Resorts and Casino that time. I think mum updated you with things that are happening with dad and her. I think she had constantly been telling you things that are happening at home... with her, with dad, with the maids and with me. You were reprimanding me based on how mum relayed her scenarios to you. So that basically meant you were reprimanding me about everything! The reason I say that is because if you ask me, mum is against everything about me. She is against my diet, the food I make, things I buy even if it's from my own money, things I do and things I don't do. I got so upset with you and we argued the whole night until the next morning when we both woke up. The next day, when I got home after my interview, I told dad everything. I told him how upset I was with things you said. You said so many awful things about me and one that impacted me the most was when you said something like: "Panu ka makakakuha ng trabaho kung ganyan ka?!"
Dad just told me: "Wag mo na intindihin ate mo, hindi nya alam ang nangyayari kase ang mommy mo ang kausap nya."
And then when we checked our thread, wala ka naman palang sinabing ganun. Now why am I bringing this up? It happened August 10, 2015 to be exact. So it's been like 4 months ago. I am actually having trouble in trying to find a way to get my message across. So please do me a favor and listen to what I want to tell you. I want to tell you this because I'm scared. And I think the first people who should know about this is my family. Though my family would be the last people I would disclose this to because it's VERY hard to deal with my family. Everything I say or do practically leads to trouble, mayhem, gulo, issue, negativity and the like. Why would I want that? I don't know why I'm that way. It's really hard for me to positive if I'm labelled negative all the time and according to you, it's because of how I am talaga. And if I try to defend myself, it will look like I'm trying to justify "evil" which is me figuratively speaking.
Anyways, that time, here's the real deal. That's what I remembered that you said. It was evident in our thread that you never said it. But why was it on my mind?
Of course everyone would think I just created another issue so dad will back me up again and he will start to reprimand everyone else except me. I created a story. I invented that you said those nasty things to me so I will gain his sympathy?
Now why would I do that? I remember being so upset with things that you told me. But why would I invent things you said which you never really did? What would be my motive? What will I get from it?
Do you think I want you and dad to fight?
Will I gain everyone's sympathy if I do that?
Do you think I would have thought that it would make me feel better if I made dad think you really said those things to me?
No. I don't want you and dad to fight.
No, I'm not trying to get anyone's sympathy because I know that I'm not going to get sympathy out of creating issues and inventing things.
No, I wouldn't and would NEVER make up things that never really happened because I know that would make me look really stupid. If you don't know yet, dad values his relationship with you. He always sets you as an example to me. Lague nya sinasabi: "Tingnan mo ang ate mo, ang laki ng transformation. Kaya mo rin yan. Sana maging ganun ka din."
So why would I want to ruin your image to our dad? Wala naman akong makukuha dun kundi gulo lang. And I know na magagalit lang kayo lalu sakin if malaman nyo na "nag-imbento" lang ako.
Pero ate I also asked myself, baket yun yung naaalala ko if hindi naman talaga sha nangyari? You never said anything like that at all. But why did I think or why did I remember you saying that? I actually asked my neurologist that question. "Doc, I forget almost everything but why do I remember things that never really happened?" Because that's not the first time it happened. I've encountered similar things several times. It's similar in a way that I remember doing something or I remember something happening in a particular way but in reality, nothing close to what I remembered actually happened.
So aside from my ailment that I forget almost everything and I never remember, I have another ailment which I am able to remember things which never really happened?
It is a question that I really want to find an answer to. Baket nangyari yun? How come that's how I remembered it happening? If you never really said it then why did I think you said it?
Why am I telling you this now?
Because I feel that I owe you an apology. I am actually confused. I don't want to apologize because if I do, you may think I did it on purpose. If I say sorry, it's like I'm admitting that I did something wrong. I may have done something wrong but please keep in mind that I did not make up things or I never really wanted to demean you to our dad. I want you to know that creating an issue between you and dad is the last thing I want to do because I know how much he values you and the relationship he has with you. He is actually scared of you because he doesn't want things between you to change. That's how he cherishes you. So why would I want to ruin that?
I've been wanting to bring this up again with you because I want you to know that I feel sorry about what I did (unintentionally). Ang hirap. I want you to know that I did not invent anything. It's really how I remembered it. I also asked myself why I remember something that never really happened? That is very disturbing.
There are several disturbing things that are happening to me that I've already considered part of my mundane rut. Sometimes I think it's a curse because of how much it makes me suffer in ways I can not put into words. Disturbing, excruciating, torturous, blissful.. Whatever term you use to define it, I just have to deal with it on my own in ways I know.
