It's Christmas! So What?

December 25, Monday 11:54am

I got sick that's why I'm here in my room spending Christmas at home. I started to feel sick mid day Friday. I don't feel well.  I think I got the flu.  My head feels heavy and painful. I'm having sore throat and my nose is like an open faucet. It's La Union but I don't feel good. I'm having a hard time breathing even. Plus the fact that First Class bus leaves at 11pm. I should've bought it last time. I totally have no clue how things are going to play out then. I thought 11pm is too late! Check in is at 4pm.  Too many wasted time instead of bumming at the beach. Too bad I got sick. If I wasn't too sick after Friday shift, I would've packed and took the first bus to La Union. But I'm not in the perfect mood to keep my guards up because I'm going to take a regular bus. I'm not in a good condition to man up to public transportation.

On the other hand, they're having a staycation in a hotel in Alabang. No one talked to me about their plans. There is a family GC and I'm supposed to know all the plans? Well, I don't feel I am wanted to be around to begin with. In fact it's the exact opposite. I know because they are my family. So I just give them what they want for everyone's happiness.

How did I know their plan? Mum told me. It's crazy how life plays you. I still remember the times when I was really young and how I hated mum. She was a really bad mother. She hated me. I felt so awful because of how she treats everybody. She's the nastiest person I know. She was mean as hell! She's despicable and crazy! She hurts us and abuses us physically and verbally. I heard the nastiest things from my very own mother. That's one reason why and how I'm this way. I was trained and raised hard like in the movie Kill Bill. Well, at least I'd like to think of it that way.

But look at us now.  We are the only two people in this family who knows exactly what's going on. We talk like we're best friends. I don't know how to describe it but we're having so much understanding of the situation because of how close we are to dad. I'm a daddy's girl and she's his wife. Guess what we talk about all the time. I may have forgotten some of the horrific words she threw at me growing up in spite the fact that she made sure that we know it's her favorite hobby, but the impact of a mother's tongue is embedded into my core for as long as I live. That's how powerful a mother is to her child. I guess this made me really strong because for the life of me, I can not begin to imagine what will hurt more than that. Nothing! Nothing else seem to hurt me in my life anymore. All challenges that come to me, I'd just say, "I've had worst problems than this. This is too easy." 

I guess by now, she has seen how valuable I am to this family because I'm the only one who dared to take care and stay. I could say how valuable I am to her rather because she wouldn't even be able to make her other kids do things that I can do with just a flip of a finger.

Hey, I'm not here to brag. My only point is.. why all the hatin'?

Where is all that coming from?

How horrible can I be? 

I guess deep inside me, despite of my very high self-esteem, I would never really feel good about myself. I always feel horrible inside because my very own family hates me. Imagine how I have to come up with ways or reasons to leave and be away from home in a trip during holidays where in we usually spend time with family like Christmas, New Year, Holy Week, All Saint's Day, etci. just so I won't have to be with them for their sake. 

It's really hard but I learned to leave the table when respect is not served.

I don't hate them. I only have compassion for them. We were raised by two malignant narcissists. One sadistic and antagonistic which infected the other. We, the children of our parents are now full grown adults. But how the hell will the children be aware of their parents' narcissistic personality disorders if they don't live with them anymore? My brother still lives here but he has a separate door so he's not the one exposed. I am! 

This is how I understood how God is LOVE.