Reactive People Versus Non-Reactive People. Who Wins?

I have been writing regularly but only every time I get the chance.  Our time is a luxury because sooner or later our time in the cosmos will end.  So every time I get the chance I write my own musings in my solitude.  I guess it helps me get by and it helps me remember things.  There are several things that happen to our lives and some are worth remembering.  Those beautiful and awful things I have to put on paper.  You see, I appreciate even the awful things in life.  Life is good and it feels good to be alive.  I love writing!  Literally, getting a pen and a paper and writing the letters one by one the traditional way.  I even write in print and never in cursive.  That's probably the reason why it took a while for me to put entries here.  

Since I went to US back in August, last year, it triggered the need to put my entries here instead of the notebooks or journals that I have to carry with me wherever I go.  It's very inconvenient and unnecessary when I know there is an easier way to be able to achieve the same goal with my laptop.  Though I'm not able to write using a pen and some notebook considering I have my own sentiments on writing the traditional way, it's easier to for me to put my thoughts into writing because I type faster than I write on paper.  Plus there will be no erasures because it's easy to just delete and edit.  

I have decided to make this one of my weekly, if not daily or every other day habit.  Who knows, this will become one of the top-selling books of the century.  I don't think it's impossible.  I actually think it has a big chance.  Everything written here is real to my core.  It's me, my private life, my disappearing memories, my personal thoughts and experiences which are not very common.  It's not everyday that you can get into a freaking accident and survive a vehicle which rolled over multiple times and fell into a 6 feet deep ditch.  Surviving and forgetting it happened for real is one thing but putting the pieces back together when you have no clue where to pick up the little pieces of you is another.  Imagine your life stopped and you literally have no idea why.  People around you telling you about your life and at the same time you realize that you really have no clue about why your life has to change.  Everyone I know think I'm not an ordinary person.  Majority of them actually think I'm crazy.  I know sometimes I think I'm crazy too but I have resigned to the fact that I am eccentric. Or not.  I would prefer to think I'm not crazy so let's just say I'm extra ordinary.  There are people who have resort to calling me names and I don't take offense not because what they're saying is not true.  Sometimes the reason is they make sense so I just don't say anything or try to be cryptic by laughing.  I have this habit of being non-responsive to several 'supposedly' VERY offensive remarks thrown at my face.  I become non-reactive.  I don't react because I really don't feel anything about it and so I can easily just shrug it off.  Sometimes I even laugh because I find it funny and true.  But I don't get people who choose to throw those offensive remarks at me and they lose it if I say something back.  They go crazy if they get those strong remarks even if it didn't come from me.

If you can throw those strong remarks to other people then you should be capable of receiving them too and not overreact about it.  I'm very straight-forward.  It's real talk with me and I appreciate the same thing.  I don't go crazy over comments thrown at me even if I don't deserve it.  I'm cool!  I say this all the time.  It will take more than your own monsters to move me.  Though you can always give it a try.

I Love My Sick Life

I have been through so much that some times I feel numb when people try to hurt me.  You know in my world, there are people who would really try to hurt you.  I don't know if it's a common thing but I have experienced it.  People who would deliberately try to offend you or make you feel or look bad exist!  I don't understand what kind of pleasure they get in doing so.  I find it really low and pathetic and I pity them.  The very moment I would realise they are that kind of people, I don't feel anything.  I don't feel scared.  I get annoyed knowing that I have to deal with it.  Not again! 

Trust me when I tell you I know how darkness feels but I never want to cut my life short.  I'm not scared of death.  If I would die tonight, I know that I will be safe.  I will go somewhere with light.  Finally! 

Maybe because I've endured being in the dark and being in pain for too long.  I'm not scared anymore.  I know I have forgiven.  I don't hate.  Maybe I do know how to hate the superficial things in life but I don't really hate.  Though I'm getting a lot of hating.  It feels so tiring.  I feel so tired.  Sometimes I just want to rest.  Maybe that's why I'm not scared to die.  Life has been hard for me every day.  I try to survive every day but it seems a very long and scary road.  It is scary because it doesn't end when the emotion you savour is not really pretty.  Sometimes, I feel I will never really get to my destination.  Somebody told me, it's the journey that really matters.  But what if this journey has been so exhausting?  People I look up to are changing and suddenly becoming monsters of these games I'm beginning to learn.  I'm tired of playing. 

I feel a human's vibe.  I see their soul.  I see their spirit and their emotion.  I feel numb and tired at the same time.  It's exhausting to look at lost souls and they think they don't need saving because to them, I need to be fixed.  I am a mess and it's either I kneel down before them and surrender to whatever or I was really born to go to hell. 

I'm tired of waiting.  I'm scared that there may be no end to this waiting game.  But I feel light.  Maybe because I know that I have done the right things.  I have loved truly and I have felt excruciating pain.  I endured it.  I'm just tired.  Sometimes hope wears off.  Maybe I've been waiting for so long and I'm still waiting until now. 

What's weird is, sometimes, I don't really know what I've been waiting for.  It's like I've wanted something so much but then I suddenly forget what is it really that I want?  Is it love?  Financial freedom?  Independence?  I've forgotten.  I thought I've been waiting for it so bad.  How can you forget what you really want?  Do you really want it or you're just pretending you want it just because..

Sometimes I feel that there is a certain charisma to being forgetful.  I forget all the blunders.  I forget the pain in an instant.  One moment it was heavy and painful then suddenly it's joyful bliss.  I switch to the next emotion and forget everything in a snap.  Sometimes I feel that's like an asset.  It's a big deal especially if it hits you straight to your core then suddenly it's gone.  You forget the pains but you remember the emotion.  Something sticks to you.  You would never know what stays with you but you know it stays with you and you remember just that.

Sometimes I get scared of forgetting.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'm still sane.  Sometimes my moments become surreal and sometimes I forget which one is reality and which one is imagination.  Which is which?  What is what?  I'm serious.  Never mind.  I won't remember anyway.

But writing helps me remember it.  Now I will remember this.