I Love My Sick Life

I have been through so much that some times I feel numb when people try to hurt me.  You know in my world, there are people who would really try to hurt you.  I don't know if it's a common thing but I have experienced it.  People who would deliberately try to offend you or make you feel or look bad exist!  I don't understand what kind of pleasure they get in doing so.  I find it really low and pathetic and I pity them.  The very moment I would realise they are that kind of people, I don't feel anything.  I don't feel scared.  I get annoyed knowing that I have to deal with it.  Not again! 

Trust me when I tell you I know how darkness feels but I never want to cut my life short.  I'm not scared of death.  If I would die tonight, I know that I will be safe.  I will go somewhere with light.  Finally! 

Maybe because I've endured being in the dark and being in pain for too long.  I'm not scared anymore.  I know I have forgiven.  I don't hate.  Maybe I do know how to hate the superficial things in life but I don't really hate.  Though I'm getting a lot of hating.  It feels so tiring.  I feel so tired.  Sometimes I just want to rest.  Maybe that's why I'm not scared to die.  Life has been hard for me every day.  I try to survive every day but it seems a very long and scary road.  It is scary because it doesn't end when the emotion you savour is not really pretty.  Sometimes, I feel I will never really get to my destination.  Somebody told me, it's the journey that really matters.  But what if this journey has been so exhausting?  People I look up to are changing and suddenly becoming monsters of these games I'm beginning to learn.  I'm tired of playing. 

I feel a human's vibe.  I see their soul.  I see their spirit and their emotion.  I feel numb and tired at the same time.  It's exhausting to look at lost souls and they think they don't need saving because to them, I need to be fixed.  I am a mess and it's either I kneel down before them and surrender to whatever or I was really born to go to hell. 

I'm tired of waiting.  I'm scared that there may be no end to this waiting game.  But I feel light.  Maybe because I know that I have done the right things.  I have loved truly and I have felt excruciating pain.  I endured it.  I'm just tired.  Sometimes hope wears off.  Maybe I've been waiting for so long and I'm still waiting until now. 

What's weird is, sometimes, I don't really know what I've been waiting for.  It's like I've wanted something so much but then I suddenly forget what is it really that I want?  Is it love?  Financial freedom?  Independence?  I've forgotten.  I thought I've been waiting for it so bad.  How can you forget what you really want?  Do you really want it or you're just pretending you want it just because..

Sometimes I feel that there is a certain charisma to being forgetful.  I forget all the blunders.  I forget the pain in an instant.  One moment it was heavy and painful then suddenly it's joyful bliss.  I switch to the next emotion and forget everything in a snap.  Sometimes I feel that's like an asset.  It's a big deal especially if it hits you straight to your core then suddenly it's gone.  You forget the pains but you remember the emotion.  Something sticks to you.  You would never know what stays with you but you know it stays with you and you remember just that.

Sometimes I get scared of forgetting.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'm still sane.  Sometimes my moments become surreal and sometimes I forget which one is reality and which one is imagination.  Which is which?  What is what?  I'm serious.  Never mind.  I won't remember anyway.

But writing helps me remember it.  Now I will remember this.