I'm Not Ready Because I Am Sick. Period.

To be honest, I am delighted with the idea of a possible relationship.  At last, there is someone that I can be with again, finally!  It's been a lonely road and I'm the type of person who's not really used to being alone.  I always appreciate company of friends or anyone I'm comfortable with.  I need someone to be with all the time.  I'm not confident to be alone anymore.  I know that I am clingy to my friends and to people around me just because.. I love to be around people.  It makes my life more interesting and happy.  I remember having a boyfriend for a very long time and I remember not being clingy with him because I remember he complained a lot about it.  I remember my friends told me that whenever I plan something, it's always with friends and not with my boyfriend.  It's possible that I never really liked him that much because I was more clingy to my friends than with him.  Why am I saying this?

Because for the first time in my life, it feels so right.  It's true!  God works in mysterious ways.  I can prove it to anyone time and again.  Amidst the mayhem in my life, I feel something ironically right.  I feel and I know His Hand is making it's way to work magic.

One incongruent night at work, I realized I can't be in a relationship.  That poor guy will become my shock absorber.  I'm not well.  I would cry all the time and I would always look for him.  I also see myself calling him in the middle of the night because I need a place to stay.  I left home again and I need a place to crash.  It happened several times but I call and bother my friends because I'm single.  It's less complicated because, if it's my boyfriend I would bother, living together would become an option.  Though I know it would be so much easier for me to leave home and be away from home.  My life would be more peaceful and free.  Things would be so much easier! I know!  But why is it not one of my options?

How can a relationship work if I'm broken?  

I need to heal.  I need to be okay being alone and then everything will follow.

But I'm tired.  I'm tired of being alone.  It just feels so good to be with someone that I can count on all the time just like with ------ or ----- or -------- or ------ and a whole lot more.  

My life was fun back then and I was never alone.  I can always depend on someone.  But somewhere, somehow, I knew that it wasn't right.  I don't know but something tells me, it wasn't right.  No matter how much happy I was or how much fun it was, I knew that it wasn't right.  I did fight for it.  I go crazy in love too.  I guess it wasn't just supposed to be.

This time around, I won't fight for it any longer but I want to make it right.  I'm not ready.  It's a "NO".  But somewhere, somehow, I know.  It will become.

God is good.  I'll make it right this time.

My Very First Official Chill Pill

The first feeling I recognize is becoming sleepy.  I felt like I want to sleep.  In a way I felt like I was high because I felt relaxed and just right.  It's almost the same feeling as whenever I'm stoned disregarding euphoria and hallucination.  I got the feeling of wanting to drink some beer with it just the same cravings I get every time I smoke weed.

I was at work and took the chill pill a few minutes after I cried at my desk.  After 9pm, I went home and went straight to my bed.  I don't remember if I still had dinner.  I think I went straight to bed.  I could be wrong.  Who knows?

The following morning, I went down past 11am and Hitler asked if I'm not going to work yet.  He was calm because he thought I had work.  When I told him it's my rest day, he went ballistic and acted like I just told him "I got fired again."  He was expecting me to be joining them on Sundays if I'm not working.  We usually catch the 11am mass.  But I'm on the chill pill so I was able to completely ignore what he did.  I just asked Kakay to ring my phone because I couldn't find it.

I remember, Hitler never even have gone ballistic whenever I tell him I don't have a job anymore.  I'm just trying to paint a picture.  I can't think of anything that I can say that Hitler won't get mad at because to be honest, everything you tell him nowadays makes him go mad.  I really think he's gone mad and would need to seek professional help.  Right now, there is an ongoing commotion downstairs.  He screamed and has gone crazy again.  I went down to check it out and the arguments are still on going right now as we speak.

They went back and picked me up after their church earlier and we had lunch outside as usual.  These little scenarios in my life which are like part of my mundane rut made me realize things which I'd probably share in my next entry.

Adjustment Disorder With Features of Anxiety

What is it?

I don't even know what it means or that it's happening but I realize there are some dramas in my life that I don't understand anymore. 

Suddenly, I'm no longer in control.

I'm confused. 

It's mind-altering and unnerving but there is no particular reason. 

There maybe is a reason or there are reasons but there's no direction. 

There is no trigger and there is no cure. 

It's just there and it's really bothering you. 

You're uneasy and confused for a very long time that it becomes stressful because there is no start nor end.  It's just suddenly there and it can be glaring or painful and troublesome for a very long time. 

It definitely moved me. 

There is an impact but there is no impasse.

There is nothing more left for me to do.

I took the chill pill.

I'll keep you posted.