Wedding Industrial Complex

I'm high.

I realize that I am in the wedding industrial complex of things and I got hooked on the toxic social construct of toxic Filipinos that every Filipina has to prioritize getting married and building a family.  Every Filipina has to become a mother in order for her to feel the essence of being a woman and experience the unconditional love a mother gives to her child **dramatic song in the background** for her womanhood to be "complete".

I have to remember that I come from parents with a very toxic relationship.  I just have to take a look at what's happening to our lives here in our own home.  I need to check my relationship with each and everyone in the family for me to determine the level of toxicity this family has.

Think.  Breathe.  Contemplate

Now ask yourself.  

Am I sure I want to have kids?

My medical condition is having a problem maintaining new memories but I remember everything in my past prior to the brain impact. 

I have to remember how difficult my childhood and growing up was.  I remember wishing to just die every single day.  My childhood was chaotic.  I always thought of suicide but I can never really do it.  That's how I am certain that I am not suicidal at all!  I love life.  If things get bad and yes trust me I've had bad-bad!  I never thought of really ending my life.  I've thought of it several times whenever I'm in despair but I always ending up saving my life.  It feels so good to be alive!  I want to experience more in life despite all the downside.

I have to remember all the horrible things my mother did to me.  Fast forward 2 to 3 decades, we're suddenly the best of friends!  I think we're the only one who really connect in this family.  My dad has become the horrible one and all my siblings hate me!

Do the math. And you want to have kids???  Go figure.

Different Facets of Hipocrisy (Version M)

 "If you weren't my friend before, I would never be your friend now."

Versus

"I remember how I used to look up to you and respect you. That I always want to talk to you about things in my life that don't make sense because you make sense of it and we always share the same sentiments. I guess now my subconscious remembers every single detail of our connection then that, subconsciously, I still see you as the person that I should go to. Things changed over the decade that you actually have become harsh and contemptible that I find it acceptable to refer to you as a CUNT. I still hold on to you despite you being a cunt.   I thought maybe because I can't let go of the beauty of the connection we had in the past (those were the years between 2006-2012 or 2013).  I cherished it. It was important to me. I valued you.  You're like the best sister I never had.  You fill a certain emptiness because I never had this kind of relationship even with my own sister and you really act like one. A very concerned and loving elder sister.  What happened to you?  You became hateful.  There were a lot of times that you have offended me so much that I don't think you're even a friend anymore.  Come to think of it.  Why am I your only friend with Ex-cons? I mean yeah yer friends with them but they don't know you like I do.  Plus, you think you know them. Do you really do?

I can't forget the time you told me you won't waste your time with people who have no value to you.  The people you were referring to are the same people I hang out with everyday then.  The people closest to me in my first years in the BPO up until now.  You used to hang out with them too.  I guess you will still do once I set up something that will get everyone together.  I guess that's my fault right there.  I am the only one close to each and every one of you that I should be the one knowledgeable on how to manage you being with the whole gang.  Yup!  I have to manage the relationships I have with my friends because some people just don't go well together.  I had the impression you go well with them but that became obsolete through time I guess.  I stuck with you regardless of how annoying it is to maintain my relationship with you.  You stress me out a lot and I haven't even realized that I can just let go of you.  It was never an option.  You have to stay because I value you.  You know me so well and I identify myself with you a lot.  Something in you changed.  For a time, I chose to understand and accept you no matter how difficult you have been.  I remember the person in you that I loved and respected.  What happened to that person?  It was very hard for me to finally finish this write up.  Believe it or not, I started drafting this since June.  Maybe in my subconscious mind, this is acceptance that you're no longer the same person that I valued the most.  Some things are better just left behind.  You were actually the one who told me that: "You don't keep shit in your life."  You felt you've outgrown everyone.  My acceptance of who you are in my life weighed more than the number of reasons why I should cut you off my life.  Maybe some people choose to keep people because of love.  Love has always been the reason.  

We've reached the end.  I denied it for a long time but right now, I'm at the point where in I can't find any more reasons why I should keep you.  Thank you for the memories because I wish to keep them for as long as I can.  I still imagine you and your husband will be present in my wedding when I have one.  I always picture the same people in my past who will be present in the event.  Some people are already eliminated because of various reasons like death and/or death of relationship.  I remember one of them that I eliminated, you were the one person who encouraged it.  Let's see how it goes when my wedding comes.  See you when I see you V.. or not.. but again, thanks for the memories!  It's only a matter of time and I still get to keep them.  

How Come I'm Still Here?

At this day and age, with a decade and a half experience in the BPO industry, I am, once again, in a classroom training for an E-commerce account.  The company provided equipment to WFH.  It was impressive.  The company seem to be equipped and has advanced IT services for technical difficulties were being addressed quickly real time.  It's an in house company which has amazing benefits and their culture has a certain centricity to employees' growth and development whether within the company or to their humanity or well being.  I was just appalled by the trainer speaking in the vernacular and gay lingo which was of course accepted by everyone in the class because trainees and new hires are more comfortable to speak in the vernacular.  Of course, everyone is more comfortable with our native language.  I just find it unprofessional.  But who am I to judge the trainer especially when I'm the only one who got axed out of the batch.  I think only 3 people met the passing score for OJT and all 3 of them are tenured employees who transferred to this campaign.  I'm the only one who was not endorsed to Academy Bay because of a ZTP violation.  I failed to authenticate via email which, ironically, I have been used to doing since I've been in this BPO industry for 15 years.

Oh well, we all just have to keep moving on so I went back to my previous company and once again, I'm a trainee.  The trainer is already 36 years old but he's not acting his age at all.  On the first day of our training, he said: "I'm not good in English so let's make a deal to be transparent. If you find me not talking correct, tell me. Can we agree on that?"  He talks in the vernacular all the time like he can't speak English.  It bothers me a lot and I find it outrageous because he is the trainer of the campaign.  The trainer and my batch mates are talking about video games in the vernacular majority of the time.  They talk about it more than the product.  

Whatever happened to dignitary trainers?  

When I was starting in this industry, I look up to my mentors.  They were actually the reason why I decided to hone my communication skills.  I got intimidated and I didn't like the feeling.  So I challenged myself to be better.  I hated the feeling of running out of words, stuttering and feeling insulted because the person I'm talking to would think I don't speak nor understand English very well.  I can't imagine how newbies would be encouraged to improve their communication skills if their trainer doesn't even pay attention to his own communication skills that he just speaks in the vernacular because it's easier.

Why am I still here?  

I repel the fact that I have to swallow a bowl of shit everyday from someone who doesn't feel the need to be professional at work while he's facilitating a class.  The newbies appreciate it I guess because they're newbies.  They have no idea what they got themselves into.  There's no structure nor direction because the trainer seem to not have any idea that he has to manage the whole class and that he has to consider how these newbies will grow in this industry with his help.  Our training was very unproductive.  There were several down times daily like he would leave the class to do his phone time or the trainer would just talk to the male trainees about video games, cars and hobbies in the vernacular, while I imagine all the possible fun activities that these new trainees can experience inside the training class that could help them learn, improve themselves and be excited about the work at hand.  But the trainer is a very compassionate man.  You can see that he cares about the welfare of the class and he is always very willing to help just like a an empathetic customer service representative.  On a professional perspective, that just doesn't make the cut.  This is work.  You are being paid to do a job and not just to be yourself wherever you are.  It's unnerving to realize what I got myself into.  The experience is demoralizing.  Everyone says I have very good communication skills.  I'd be willing to teach my trainer how to speak good English but I don't think he's even interested to improve his communication skills and quite frankly, that is just messed up!  It's a technical account and he got promoted to a trainer position in spite of speaking improper English so I guess he doesn't feel the need to improve oneself.  But it's my thing.  Everyone in the class would ask me for advise on what's going to happen or what's the right thing to do.  The trainer would always set me as an example on how to respond appropriately but he can't be a good example for the class.  He was and is confidently awkward but he has very good technical skills.  

I still remember how I've decided to improve my communication skills more than a decade ago when I realized that this is going to be my bread and butter in this industry.  It's the language that we are required to use and I wasn't really good with it so I knew that I needed to work on it.  I was challenged and I challenged myself by thinking in English.  It works!  You listen to yourself make the most horrible grammatical errors possible and find ways to correct it.  I used the dictionary a lot.  I looked up words I didn't recognize and learned what it means, how it's used and practiced it.  I tried to find all the opportunities to be able to speak English without looking like a blow hard by talking to people who are comfortable with the language and that they speak the language naturally.  It's the only effective way to be good with something.  I speak in English as a customer so I can practice and be more comfortable with the language.  I read books and researched the meaning of words that I don't understand.  I watch movies and series and paid good attention on how Americans pronounce their words.  I compared it to Filipino accents.  I learned the right ways to pronounce words.  I did all these things and I actually found it fun and entertaining.  I get to discover talented music artists. I looked up the meaning of lyrics and tried to relate with different genres.  Can you imagine how entertaining learning English is?  A few years later, I haven't even realized that most people think I'm American.  A lot of people have asked me if I know how to speak in Tagalog which surprised me.  I was born and raised in Manila, Philippines and most people find that hard to believe.  

But why am I still here?

I still remember the very first day I stepped in the BPO industry and I already knew that I wanted to be a trainer.  Fast forward 15 years later and I'm still at the very same spot.  

So why am I still here?

How come I'm a trainee again?  I was actually a rehire.  I resigned because my TL then explicitly told me that he may promote my other teammates but not me.  He was very unprofessional.  I couldn't take it anymore so I took a job with a very rewarding compensation package.  He was a horrible asshole until the last minute.  I don't know where all his hate is coming from considering he's gay because I get along with gay people all the time.  Seriously, he actually refers to himself as a mermaid.  But again, going back to my question.  

How come I'm still here?  

What's wrong with me?  I have already accepted that I have a mild cognitive impairment.  I was made felt of my limitations frequently.  This experience is actually devastating and confusing.  I was also in denial.  It took 7 years after the accident before I decided to get myself checked.  It's devastating for two reasons:  

1) It's embarrassing and frustrating to be half functioning 100% of the time.  

2) I get all the hate from everyone including myself.  I personally would think people around me started to despise me because I'm no longer fully functioning the same way I was.

None of my siblings talk to me when I'm having a very hard time pulling myself together.  But then, again, everyone would probably have their own personal reasons to hate me.  Plus I get all the drama of our mother and father every day and every night at home.  I take it because they are our parents.  Why the fuck would everyone hate me so much?  It doesn't make any sense at all!  Has my memory gone so bad that I can't recall the horrible things I did?  But I guess the real question is, do we really have to reminisce the bad things?  Is it really easier to remember all the horrible things than to just give compassion and love even just for a little bit?

Again, going back to my question.  How come I'm still here?

Still waiting for my start date (again) with Chase where I believe I will finally meet my partner in this lifetime and I'm praying that it will become the company that I'll be working for until I retire.  I'm really looking forward to it.  There's hope in me.  It's all I have so I got to, at the very least, have hope.