MY YELLOW BOOK SERIES | Entry: 3.29.2020 Sunday 11:24pm | SPIRITUAL

So I spent some time worshipping the Lord for a few minutes and started writing @ 11:32pm.  I was busy working on my blackbook for J but it's Sunday and I wanted to devote some time for Father God.  I haven't been reading the bible but I want to put it back into my system so I ordered a white bible on Shoppee.  Due to the COVID19 Pandemic, shipping had been postponed again and again.  I see I haven't been writing here for a long time.  Last entry was back in October last year about Angelo.  A lot of things has happened including J coming into my life.  J had been amazing!  He is just someone so familiar.  How is it possible that we seem so connected?  It's like he's someone who really knows me and I've known him for a very long time.  It's just left me in abyss that he just broke up with me and blocked me in FB.  Just like that after all our magical moments.  I have FAITH in God and I'd like to honor Him amidst this confusion and emptiness of J that I feel.  All these still feels positive because of the love of God in me.  I trust Him and I know that whatever happened between J and me, actually everything that happened between J and me is all in God's name.  His Hands are involved.  The universe made its way to connect us both and made everything possible between us in God's name.  I never asked for anything about J.  Everything was handed to me by God.  He made a way for J & I.  Thy will be done.  Glory is to you oh Lord.  Lord God, you know how I committed myself to you.  I made vows that I broke but it's still YOU in my heart Lord.  I remember the day that I promised I will CONNECT with YOU in ways I know BEST and it is thru TEARS Lord.  These TEARS I am crying right now, I lift them all up to You Lord.  I'm not asking for anything at all.  I just want to HONOR you Lord.  You SILENCE all my FEARS.  I believe IN YOU.  YOU'RE THE GOD of MIRACLES.  I honor You Lord.  And I lift up this night to you.  I set aside the black book for now because I want to Feel Your LOVE again.  I want to connect with YOU Lord.  Thank YOU.  You're the ONLY ONE who knows my heart's TRUE DESIRE.  Please don't LET ME GO LORD.  Have Mercy on Me!  I know that I have sinned.  I am not worthy of your presence in my LIFE but I CLING TO YOU LORD.  YOU ARE THE ONLY WAY, THE TRUTH & THE LIFE.  THANK YOU LORD FOR BEING HERE, RIGHT NOW, IN MY PRESENT.  I DON'T DESERVE YOU BUT YOU ARE THE MERCIFUL LORD, MY SAVIOUR.  HEAL ME LORD.  CALL ME OUT TO REMEMBER YOU EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE.  I BELIEVE IN YOUR MIRACLES.  YOUR LOVE WILL SAVE ME LORD.  BE MY LIGHT.  BE MY GUIDANCE.  STAY WITH ME LORD.

March 30, 2020, Monday 12:06am (42min)

TRANSCRIPTION TIME STAMP = 2.20.2022 Sunday 9:12pm

I BOOKMARK THIS MOMENT

2.18.22 Friday 

7:39pm 

I time stamp this moment that I seek the Lord's presence as I contemplate.. (yes, there were tears)

7:43pm

I experience anxiety and tremendous fears that I'm going to end up growing old single and alone.  I never imagined I will get to this point of my life that I'm already 38 years old, turning 39 in 6 weeks and 6 days which is April 6 and that's 666.  (Imagine how I've thought of that?!)  

I vividly remember when I was in my teens and early 20's, how I've always said to myself that I want to have my first baby at 23.  I, for one, have always wanted to have my own family.  I've always imagined myself being a wife, a mother and raising my own family.  How did I get to this life stage that I'm almost desperate?  Men in my age bracket are impossible.  They're either crazy broken and empty or amazing but fucked up with their own kid/kids and estranged wife or not.  What's worse is, men younger than me by a decade have the same kind of bullshit!  And that scares the shit out of me!  My youngest sister is getting married in 4 days and she's even the one who vowed to never have kids just because she doesn't like it.  And yes, that scares the shit out of me too!  All my official and legit ex's are now married and they have kids.  Yup, you got it-it also scares the shit out of me.  There were only 2 official men.  A, who I guess, I was never really in love with because it only took me 4 months to completely get over the break up but we were together for 5 years; and D, who I felt so loved head over heels that's why he's my 'the one who got away' guy but we were only together for 4 months.  Though we still had it 3 years after the relationship.

 

It feels like everything around me is moving to progression and I'm stuck at the same pace left behind with my toxic senior parents, absorbing their toxicity which aged to a deeper level.

7:56pm

I snap myself out of these insane thoughts and remind myself to embrace God's presence and to trust his plans.  He never failed me.  He never failed to make me understand that His plans are the only perfect plans.  Maybe not instantly but he always makes me feel His amazing grace after all.

Forgive me Lord for still experiencing these fears.

Now I want to bookmark this moment that I'm experiencing these godless thoughts and fears so I can have the opportunity to look back to ->THIS<- years later when I've already met my lifetime partner and is in union with him in Christ, living happily ever after.  This is a testimony of my faith in God and His saving grace.

God is good.  We are blessed.  We are loved.  We are saved.  All the glory to You, Father.  I surrender everything to you.  Thank you for giving me life and making me feel your presence.

8:08pm

Footnote:  I have been a crybaby since time immemorial.  I used to cry instantly when I was younger out of stupid shallow reasons.  Yes, I'm really, REALLY sensitive.  I just choose to wear "the crazy" and the "maldita" mask.  I remember the very first time my elder sister went to the states with my dad and they were gone for 2 weeks (1994).  When they came back home, my sister, was enthusiastically telling me about this popular band All-4-One and their hit single "I Swear", she learned from US.  She even sang it to me.  I felt like crying so I ran upstairs and listened to her story from the second floor so she won't be able to see me crying.  I was crying because I missed them so much.  True story.  I don't think she ever found out about it.

Twenty years later (2014), I cry at clubs while my favorite trance tracks are playing.  For me, trance music is a heartfelt symphony that gets me emotional every time.  Titanium, Heroes, Take Me Home, etc.  There are existing photos of me crying at clubs as proof.  One night in the club, while crying, I vowed to offer all my tears to the Lord God.  It's a God given talent and/or ability which is one thing that I'm very good at.  So I decided that my tears will be one of the ways that I connect with our Father since he gave me this inexplicable ability.  Since that moment on, I cry every time I experience God's presence and it feels so good.  It's the only time I ever felt peaceful.

Written in the evening of my Induction Day (Day 5) of the company I wish to be with until retirement.

#weekendvibes    #Fridaynightdrama    #allthanksandpraise