I BOOKMARK THIS MOMENT

2.18.22 Friday 

7:39pm 

I time stamp this moment that I seek the Lord's presence as I contemplate.. (yes, there were tears)

7:43pm

I experience anxiety and tremendous fears that I'm going to end up growing old single and alone.  I never imagined I will get to this point of my life that I'm already 38 years old, turning 39 in 6 weeks and 6 days which is April 6 and that's 666.  (Imagine how I've thought of that?!)  

I vividly remember when I was in my teens and early 20's, how I've always said to myself that I want to have my first baby at 23.  I, for one, have always wanted to have my own family.  I've always imagined myself being a wife, a mother and raising my own family.  How did I get to this life stage that I'm almost desperate?  Men in my age bracket are impossible.  They're either crazy broken and empty or amazing but fucked up with their own kid/kids and estranged wife or not.  What's worse is, men younger than me by a decade have the same kind of bullshit!  And that scares the shit out of me!  My youngest sister is getting married in 4 days and she's even the one who vowed to never have kids just because she doesn't like it.  And yes, that scares the shit out of me too!  All my official and legit ex's are now married and they have kids.  Yup, you got it-it also scares the shit out of me.  There were only 2 official men.  A, who I guess, I was never really in love with because it only took me 4 months to completely get over the break up but we were together for 5 years; and D, who I felt so loved head over heels that's why he's my 'the one who got away' guy but we were only together for 4 months.  Though we still had it 3 years after the relationship.

 

It feels like everything around me is moving to progression and I'm stuck at the same pace left behind with my toxic senior parents, absorbing their toxicity which aged to a deeper level.

7:56pm

I snap myself out of these insane thoughts and remind myself to embrace God's presence and to trust his plans.  He never failed me.  He never failed to make me understand that His plans are the only perfect plans.  Maybe not instantly but he always makes me feel His amazing grace after all.

Forgive me Lord for still experiencing these fears.

Now I want to bookmark this moment that I'm experiencing these godless thoughts and fears so I can have the opportunity to look back to ->THIS<- years later when I've already met my lifetime partner and is in union with him in Christ, living happily ever after.  This is a testimony of my faith in God and His saving grace.

God is good.  We are blessed.  We are loved.  We are saved.  All the glory to You, Father.  I surrender everything to you.  Thank you for giving me life and making me feel your presence.

8:08pm

Footnote:  I have been a crybaby since time immemorial.  I used to cry instantly when I was younger out of stupid shallow reasons.  Yes, I'm really, REALLY sensitive.  I just choose to wear "the crazy" and the "maldita" mask.  I remember the very first time my elder sister went to the states with my dad and they were gone for 2 weeks (1994).  When they came back home, my sister, was enthusiastically telling me about this popular band All-4-One and their hit single "I Swear", she learned from US.  She even sang it to me.  I felt like crying so I ran upstairs and listened to her story from the second floor so she won't be able to see me crying.  I was crying because I missed them so much.  True story.  I don't think she ever found out about it.

Twenty years later (2014), I cry at clubs while my favorite trance tracks are playing.  For me, trance music is a heartfelt symphony that gets me emotional every time.  Titanium, Heroes, Take Me Home, etc.  There are existing photos of me crying at clubs as proof.  One night in the club, while crying, I vowed to offer all my tears to the Lord God.  It's a God given talent and/or ability which is one thing that I'm very good at.  So I decided that my tears will be one of the ways that I connect with our Father since he gave me this inexplicable ability.  Since that moment on, I cry every time I experience God's presence and it feels so good.  It's the only time I ever felt peaceful.

Written in the evening of my Induction Day (Day 5) of the company I wish to be with until retirement.

#weekendvibes    #Fridaynightdrama    #allthanksandpraise