Quiet Time: July 18, Monday 5:17am

I stay at your feet Lord because I love you.  You are my Lord and saviour.  You're my only refuge and strength.  How thankful I am for allowing me to cry my tears, breathe out my woes and ask for your merciful embrace.  Please don't let me go Father.  I miss them so much.  You know how painful this is for me.  I wouldn't be able to endure this without you Lord God.  

Thank you Lord for giving me life and the will to fight with you on my side.  Give me the strength and the peace I need to move forward.  I won't be able to do anything without you.  

 

How Can A Question Answered On Point Be Even Possible?

 A straight up answer.

This cognitive impairment I have right now is the GOLD of my VERY toxic environment at home being the one and only shock absorber of the TWO OF THE MOST TOXIC PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE I HAVE EVER KNOWN IN MY WHOLE EXISTENCE-My mom and dad.

I stay here because I have nowhere to go.  This is my home and I will die here too.

I have like "term" memory. It's not short-term, not long-term.  I'd call it, "one" term.  I won't remember it at all.  I might but hardly.  Now that's the only logical reason why I am able to endure it.  It still impacts me psychologically, I promise you that.  But it works!  This was how my catch phrase originated: 

 

"You forget because you want to forget."

 

Footnote:

I remember you Dabu.  You are like a spiritual entity I totally understand that's why I love you.  I see love in you no matter how prick you sometimes can be.  On my end, it's purely platonic but I don't know.  There's a connection I have with you that is deeper than that.  I find your talent sexy.  I find intelligent people very sexy.  I simply just don't feel anything sexual that's why I say it's platonic.

 

"You don't forget anything Xyra.  You just don't want to remember." -Dabu

Zoned Series: Writers write when stoned

I have difficulty maintaining memories in the present. The only thing that keeps me stable is muscle memory.

7.14.22.Thursday

I can give you a product based from pure passion, positive energy and a built-in muscle memory which instantly removes all negativity in all aspects of your life starting from your very mind.  On the intense side, baking has been my first love. I still remember the very first time I tried to experiment on flour.  My very first baked product is pizza.  I made the dough myself.  I was in fourth grade.  I was so hooked up with cooking shows.  I want to have my own when I grow up I used to say.  Still is true to this day.  I always imagine my kitchen.  Oh god!  I always imagine the way I put everything up in my kitchen. The design, the furniture, the kitchen equipment, my fridge, mixer and my oven. I'm in heaven.  

7.18.22.Monday5am

(7.14.22.Thursday [time not noted] is the very first time I realized my condition.)  Imagine the very first time I experienced my condition was 12 years ago.  I was in complete denial then.  I can't imagine I can no longer function as efficiently as I was and that broke the shit out of me.  I was really angry but I had no idea and it manifested in so many crazy ways.  People I love the most, my family, they are most certain I am just making a pity out of myself.  While there was a battle inside me trying to figure out how to manage my new self because I know from the bottom of my heart and in the depth of my physical core that I have become impaired indeed.  The difficulty in all aspects are heightened because it is an impairment which is not physical.  Not because I pity myself.  It's because I know myself.  I still got my grit but it's like I have a cane and it's only me who can see and accept the blow I take every second.  Anyone who would see me stagger would throw slats of me being a brat.  Not even an inch of compassion may be found.  This is what LIFE is!  This was illustrated explicitly in the holy bible.  The betrayal of Judas.  Judas is one of the 12 apostles.  Judas is family.  Only family can betray you.  Your enemies will never betray you.  You know they are enemies.  The denial of Peter 3x.  People chose Jesus to die rather then Barabas.  These are things that are happening to me right now.  He is leading the way.  Thank you Lord. (Bear with my spiritual flow.  It's worship Sunday.  He's the reason I am able to endure love.)

 

7.24.22 Sunday9:25am