Zoned Series: Writers write when stoned

I have difficulty maintaining memories in the present. The only thing that keeps me stable is muscle memory.

7.14.22.Thursday

I can give you a product based from pure passion, positive energy and a built-in muscle memory which instantly removes all negativity in all aspects of your life starting from your very mind.  On the intense side, baking has been my first love. I still remember the very first time I tried to experiment on flour.  My very first baked product is pizza.  I made the dough myself.  I was in fourth grade.  I was so hooked up with cooking shows.  I want to have my own when I grow up I used to say.  Still is true to this day.  I always imagine my kitchen.  Oh god!  I always imagine the way I put everything up in my kitchen. The design, the furniture, the kitchen equipment, my fridge, mixer and my oven. I'm in heaven.  

7.18.22.Monday5am

(7.14.22.Thursday [time not noted] is the very first time I realized my condition.)  Imagine the very first time I experienced my condition was 12 years ago.  I was in complete denial then.  I can't imagine I can no longer function as efficiently as I was and that broke the shit out of me.  I was really angry but I had no idea and it manifested in so many crazy ways.  People I love the most, my family, they are most certain I am just making a pity out of myself.  While there was a battle inside me trying to figure out how to manage my new self because I know from the bottom of my heart and in the depth of my physical core that I have become impaired indeed.  The difficulty in all aspects are heightened because it is an impairment which is not physical.  Not because I pity myself.  It's because I know myself.  I still got my grit but it's like I have a cane and it's only me who can see and accept the blow I take every second.  Anyone who would see me stagger would throw slats of me being a brat.  Not even an inch of compassion may be found.  This is what LIFE is!  This was illustrated explicitly in the holy bible.  The betrayal of Judas.  Judas is one of the 12 apostles.  Judas is family.  Only family can betray you.  Your enemies will never betray you.  You know they are enemies.  The denial of Peter 3x.  People chose Jesus to die rather then Barabas.  These are things that are happening to me right now.  He is leading the way.  Thank you Lord. (Bear with my spiritual flow.  It's worship Sunday.  He's the reason I am able to endure love.)

 

7.24.22 Sunday9:25am