Aron

I guess the cosmos is calling me to finally formulate my thoughts on you.  You had been dwelling in my psyche for a while now and this past few days you have been incessantly boggling my mind, you won't stop.  I usually wake up around 3 to 4 am every single day.  The only difference today is you are hyperactive in my mind.  Again.  It's not even overwhelming because logic dictates it's just fair.

Why?  There are 2 reasons.  

The first one may be classified as "instinctive" which, you, actually already validated as material after a few months since the first day I met you.  There is something with you that told me, "Just watch out and wait."  After I woke up earlier which is like an involuntary habit that happens to me after 3am daily, I felt like putting my thoughts in here.  I read my entry prior to this one and there you were.  The second one is something that is aligned to "Newton's Law of Action & Reaction".  I guess by now it's safe for me to say that you have already triggered so many signals that it has become tangible.  In other words you have provoked it to be the truth.  While it remains a mystery to me how you can fuck my mind real good because I found out that you have the audacity to tell everyone else but me.  You actually say it to people around us that you're trying to hit on me but you never really hit on me.  You never said anything to me directly though your eyes kind of undress me in a way.  I find it sexy how your lips make me feel beautiful when you don't even say anything at all.  It's amazing how you did that not only once.  I felt empowered with you.  It's flattering how your facial expression directly told me: "You're captivating!"  And you never even uttered a single word.  It's hot!

I won't even begin to question why.  You are already committed to a relationship just like how all of you good guys are and you have an 11-year old daughter.  Enough said.  You are a good man.  Though your demons are pushing you, you stand down and play it safe.

I guess this is one disadvantage if you're highly intuitive.  I understand a lot of things that are not put into words but I know how real it is.  Sometimes I call it 'instinct' but most of the time it's something else.  I understand human emotion like it's a language that speaks to me without words nor sounds.  Sometimes, I discern human emotion through vision.  The emotion becomes visual to me with the face and body language.  I can utter adjectives just by seeing a face.  It doesn't happen all the time but when it happens, it's confirmatory.  Proving it is beyond human comprehension but it's cosmic and it's real.

A Cry for Connection

            What happens to a person if one doesn't connect with anyone at all?

            What happened to all my connections?  

 

            Suddenly silence is reverberating and it's deafening!

 

            I was so good in connecting with people.  That's connecting with people and connecting people together.  That is the only best thing I'm good at.  I literally gather everyone together and I always make it happen because everyone shows up.  It is so easy for me to do it because I'm in good and close relationship with each and everyone.  That's every single one of them.  Even if they're not in good and close relationship with each other, they connect one way or another because I gather them together.

            This pandemic is taking its toll on me because there is no one I connect with.  I am an outcast in my very own home.  I am being ostracized and it has become a struggle to keep my sanity in place.  I crave for connection with anyone!

            Back then, my siblings were enough for me.  My family has always been my priority but there is just something special about connection with my siblings.  It may include those without parental intervention.  It's so hard to believe that they have ostracized me and have taken for granted however I may feel about the situation.  They are my brother and my sisters!  We grew up together.  Our parents raised us together and we share the same aches, pains, beauty and intellect.  Connection just with my siblings alone, would make everything tolerable.  But they've already abandoned me.  I'm way past feeling emotional about it.  I've already accepted everything.  They're adults.  They know what they're doing.  It's no longer up to me to force them to include me in their plans and happy moments.  They should if they really want me to be part of their happy moments.  If they don't, then, I guess I don't have a choice but to respect that.  My dad and my sister said it.  Respect is "earned." 

            

                No matter how good I am with wordplay, no amount of words can express how painful this is and I have already accepted it.  The pain is unbearable and it lingers in every piece of me.  If I'm with them the pain is amplified every single second.  I implode but I have to stand still.  Maybe this is what love does.

                  Every time I'm with them how I wish that I was deaf, so I don't have to pretend that I don't hear all their exclusive plans.  

 

                  Every time I'm with them how I wish that I was blind, so I don't have to pretend that I don't see how much love and affection they have for each other and how much fun they have exclusively.

                Every time I'm with them how I wish that I was dumb, so I don't have to pretend that I don't understand what they're doing and what is happening to us.  That I won't have the nerve to ask: "How come I'm not part of them when I'm just right here in front of them?"  

            The truth is harsh and it's real!  I guess this is just the way it is for me.  That I was born to accept pain and just stagger.  My pains will never be valid but it will continue to push me to my limit.  This is the reality of my life and I just have to suck it up.  It has pushed me to the edge.  I can't think of anything else to do or to say in order to cope.  I was on anti-depressant for 3 years and I'm not even clinically diagnosed as someone with severe or manic depression.  I endured all the withdrawal symptoms just to be able to cease medications.

  

            I get along with different kinds of people.  I can use illegal drugs as an outlet.  I can get in any kind of relationship just to be able to divert my attention and endure the pain I bear every second.  But because of my love for my family, I choose to hold on to God.  Whatever I do and whatever I say, my siblings would still hate me if they really hate me.  I have surrendered everything to God.  He is my strength and my energy.  There is nothing more that I can do on my end but to pray for continuous healing.  I can't say I got addicted to cannabis.  I do smoke weed a lot because it eases my pains and I get to relax and keep calm.  My neurologist approved of it and it has helped a great deal to keep me stable.  But I can live without it.  In fact, I have been sober for more than a month now.  Weed is like a massage or a good cup of coffee with good friends.  I cleanse and fast every once in a while.  I am so done with the tears and the depression stage.  It's been more than 6 years!  I was able to rise from depression and found healing with God's love and guidance.  It did not happen overnight but I conquered it.  I could never fathom the depth of their hatred for me.  But can you imagine the magnitude of pain that I have to endure simply by being part of this family who choose to disconnect with me and castigate me in different ways instead.  I guess no amount of tears will be able to change my siblings nor the situation.  They are who they are and I respect that even if they don't respect me.  As implied by my very own family, I don't deserve respect anyways!

 

            At the end of the day, I'm home with our parents.  I'm the one our parents rely on.  After almost four decades, I have come to realize that my parents are smart people.  They are wise enough to understand their children.  Now I realize why I'm the one at home with them.  I can imagine my sister would be quick to claim the fact that among all my siblings, I'm the only one dependent to my parents and I wouldn't be able to live without them because I rely on them so much, not only financially but on a holistic level.  I bet in my parent's hearts, they would claim otherwise.  I can't even imagine how my parents decided to rely on me on a whole lot of different aspects of our lives.  If I'm really a bad and unreliable daughter, why would my dad call me even if I'm in a different time zone just to ask for the contact number of Skycable?  It is in fact posted on his wall because I already anticipated the need for such information.  Consider that I have 3 more siblings in the same time zone where he was but he chose to call me at 2 in the morning when I have to get up at 6am for work, again, in a different time zone.  I'm the only one who accompanied my dad when he was in ICU and that's from day one to discharge date.  I've even forgotten all about it.  It was our mother who reminded my sister so my sister would calm down and back off from trying to murder me with her piercing words, again!

            I appreciate that people who are not my family understand me better.  They don’t castigate me nor crucify me like I never feel any pain.  I guess He will always give you a sign that you have to trust Him and His plans.  There are things about my parents that only I can comprehend because it's going to be beyond my siblings' understanding of their lives, of our lives.

 

            While my inputs are always insignificant to my very own family, I'm still glad it matters to people who truly care about me and my feelings, even if they're not my real or immediate family and wherever home they may be.  I still feel God's love over me.

 

            Life is good.  God is good.   So for the sake of love, I will stand down and allow God's will be done.  

Methamphetamine

I wake up one day and I'm being pursued by more than one man

The next day I was swept off my feet by one blissful and romantic display of passion and pursuit

Euphoria is in the air and it felt so surreal

It wasn't love but it was provocative

It caught me off guard and left me blank but still charged

At the peak of my love drug, I can't just get rid of the high in a snap

When there is more than one brave man with such blazing desire

I can take my pick at any time

So the high goes on and on until the fire burns out

Then suddenly escapades become accessible

Like one good ass mafia experience that I can't forget

Life is so good

I won't waste life

It's too precious

God is good

Don't do drugs

Tarantado Ka Carl!

You piqued my interest the very first time you talked to me in mid January of this year.  You were straightforward and it turned me on.  You told me downright straight up that you want me to be yours on the very first day that you talked to me.  I was aroused.  It was fluid and consistent every time we connect.  I got curious about you.  I want more!

You make yourself seem available and it's all a lie.  A lie I'm willing to swallow just to be with you in the future.  I have been lied to right after you came into my life.  I was made to believe a fantasy that can never be a reality.  I believed it from January 28 to March 16, 2020 because the whole picture was hidden.  I was only shown the beautiful part but the reality was kept aside in a dark room.  I guess the 2020 lockdown gave it away.  Too bad for him.  While you gave me the reality of your life and project hope of you and me in the future, I dwell in a paradigm of bliss without the pains of deceit and disappointment.  You came first, before I was lied to, now I want you to be my last.

You bully me into your world and it draws me closer to you like you're a magnet.  I wasn't really compelled to write about you in the beginning.  It took months for me to finally able to put something here about you.  Writing is my outlet.  Things I put in here are things that are going on in my head and can never be out there in the open.  Stuff I put in here are things that no one will ever hear from me because these are things that are in the deepest corners of my mind-everything in my mind that can never be a reality.  I started this months ago but I couldn't seem to finish it.  Usually, whenever I write, the content just comes out naturally and spontaneously.  I remember writing something long and detailed but I still ended up deleting everything.  Nothing about you seem to fit in here.

Now I start to realize why.  You are the real part of my life.  You are so real that things I write about you here suddenly becomes null and void.  Things in here are all in the abstract spectrum and you don't fit in here.  You are gone but you are real.

Contradictory to being real, you talk me into something that doesn't make sense and I still believe you.  I have a very strong personality but I realize passion sways me easily.  Passion in any form weakens me and I feel your passion over me.  I have no fucking idea why I believe you but I just do.  I trust you.  It's crazy!  You're a motherfucking asshole!

When Silence Hurts (Wifey Version)

I cannot fathom the depth of hatred I take from the supposedly most important person in my life.  I need to understand how rotten I am that I get pushed away to oblivion so hard and so far here in my own home.

That's never enough for you that you have to build an invisible wall.  It's hard to believe that an invisible wall can get so noisy that its screams keep me up all night and my ears cry blood.  It doesn't matter how tender my wounds are.

You just want to bleed me dry?
How harsh can you get?

I'd rather be a fugitive because a fugitive is 'wanted'.  I am an outcast in my own home.  What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?  You despise me and you castigate me with sins I'm not even aware of.  And I am the only person guilty?  Really?  How can this be?

When will this silent war ever end?

You look down on me with hateful and judging eyes, unforgiving of all things about me.  It's all shame and contempt for me that there's no way out.

Sometimes I wish I am guilty of murder.  Maybe it will ease the pains that I take daily.  Maybe it will justify the fact that I get so much hate and that I deserve it.  All the hatred towards me will finally make sense because I am the real and certified villain of the story.

I wish I am guilty, indeed!
Maybe silence won't hurt after all.

Singlehood Is My BLESSING

I realize I am so lucky to be single. 
Men are weak that's why they become stupid.
I'm not a hater but guys are consistent about making the same mistakes over and over again.
They love sex with multiple partners because sex feels good while love fades away easy.
I really wanted to get married and have kids.  I've been wanting this since time immemorial.
But I guess wisdom which you earn thru experience will change everything.

I've experienced being pursued by men who pretended to be single multiple times.
Believe it or not, there were men who went beyond their limits just to be able to prove to me and to my family that they really were serious about me only for me to find out that it was just temporary.
It was a fleeting moment based on lust, boredom and fantasy.  Imagine how crazy that is?  Can you imagine how it moved me?

It just made me crave for fleeting moments of lust and fantasy.  I've been single for a very long time and I wanted to believe that I'm getting really bored and lonely sometimes.  But in reality, the committed ones, men who are in a relationship are the bored and tired ones.  Married men or men with family without marriage seem to be more bored than I am.  They have become spiritless with their kids and their partners that they hunt for meat to make them feel alive.  They go thru crazy lengths just to be able to bang me which includes hiding things from me to make me believe that they're the guy I'm looking for.  They start to lie and cheat with their partners and make believe that they're not lying to me.  They're just being quiet about things.

By now I can tell it's not something new or unusual.
This experience just pivoted to my ardent desire to stay single. 
I will stay happier and free being single. 
The pleasure I get of being endlessly wooed is just priceless!  So I'll just try to keep that momentum for as long as I can.  I'm good with that.

It feels so good to be alive!
Thank God for my freedom!

When Silence Hurts

I cannot fathom the depth of hatred I take from the supposedly most important people in my life.  I need to understand how rotten I am that I get pushed away to oblivion so hard and so far here in my own home.

That's never enough for you that you have to build an invisible wall.

It's hard to believe that an invisible wall can get so noisy that its screams keep me up all night and my ears cry blood.  It doesn't matter how tender my wounds are.

You want to just bleed me dry?
How harsh can you get? 

I'd rather be a fugitive because a fugitive is 'wanted'.
I am an outcast in my own home.
What did I ever do to make my family hate me so much?
I get despised and I get castigated with sins I'm not even aware of.
And I am the only person guilty?
Really?
How can this be?

When will this silent war ever end?

My own family look down on me with hateful and judging eyes, unforgiving of all things about me.  It's all shame and contempt for me that there's no way out.  This is my reality.  This is what I have to deal with while I have to fight a mental illness.  Family choose to nullify the illness and resign to the premise that evil within me is damaging everyone around me.

To the most important people in my life-my family, there is no such thing as 'mental illness'.  It's just an excuse I make up to get away with murder.

Sometimes I wish I am guilty of murder.  Maybe it will ease the pains that I take daily.  Maybe it will justify the fact that I get so much hate and that I deserve it.  All the hatred towards me will finally make sense because I am the real and certified villain of our story. 

I wish I am guilty, indeed! 
Maybe, silence won't hurt after all.