MY VOW!

'nough said!

New Slate, New Beginnings, New Book, New Life!

The Daniel Phase (February 23 to June 23, 2014)

I know you won't be able to read this anymore but just for the sake I'm posting it.

Why?

1) I need to put validation to occurrences in my life.  Time will come that I won't remember this anymore.  Posting it makes it real and valid so when I look back, I may remember.  My memory is just built like that. I'm not even sure now if it's awesome that way or it sucks that way!

2) For me, this is just my own private thing.  I know this is visible to public but the tricky part there is that, not even one of my acquaintances, friends, family, colleagues is aware about this website I'm feeding entries to about my life every once in a while. They may or may be aware about this but they simply don't give a fuck to even check this out.  It's an advantage for me and I like it that way.

So this is like for public but nobody really cares so it's my own little private thing..

Ironic.. weird.. awesome.. crazy!

That's just me..

So You, Just you, For you

You have an EQ of a 4-year old
You look at me as if I'm candy
That you just can't wait to lick
Then you lick
And you lick like there's no tomorrow
You want something so much
You leave everything behind just because..

You have a mind of a 16-year old
Some angst-encumbered teenager
Who just wants to to disconnect from the world  
Become an escapist
Space out..
Autopilot..
Cease!

You open a can of worms
And you just run away
Far, far away that the worms can't run after you
And nothing can get you to look back

Case and point, any 7-year old kid can handle
Your shit better than you do
Sad but true!

Into the gutter suits you
Screw you!!!

Daniel's Fall

Everything seems so surreal
From the moment you fell in love with me
You want me all yours, you can't get enough of me
Your eyes are always smiling, your ears are hearing music even if there's nothing playing
You were crazy about me!

Then you tried to make me fall for you
I saw forever in your eyes
You were all over me
Fear was all over me
You are but a child in a playing field
I am a damsel with no luxury of time
And you never knew the panic I knew
You never knew the fever I knew
I once lost forever
It's awful! It's suicide!

But I fell for you anyway
I gave you infinity but infinity is never enough for you
You dismiss everything else in an instant just to have more of me
It ruined you!
We crumbled down and we've fallen into pieces
Like a shiv in my heart
We've fallen apart
There's a big hole in my chest
And it's only you who can fill in the hole and take away the pain
But you've already fallen

How could love so true, luscious and sweet
Crush me just like an animal?
Merciless!

Everyday is unbearable pain
It's hard to breathe, it's suffocating!
Or maybe I just don't want to breathe anymore
My reflexes desperate to numb the pain
I blindly reach out to you gasping for air
Your heart went ice cold, in a blink of an eye you shut me down
As if you weren't the one who dragged me into your game

I refused to play your game
But you played with me ruthlessly anyway
I waved my white flag to you 
But you just brought your game on
You played with me head on
It was my heart on the line 
Even with agonizing pain, I was with you all the way
In the quiet of the night, the pain comes in waves
I soldier on!

Crystal clear went cryptic
The once sweet turned bitter abyss
Infinite paradise turned into sublime misery
I pleaded to you
But you just shut me out over and over again
YOUR CHOICE was to bleed me dry

The pain is amplified every second
Self-aware that there will be no longer you and me
Then maybe I don't want to live after all
I just lost the appetite for life
Whatever happened to forever??
I need to wake up from this madness

The silence is reverberating
Your fall is resonating
I send my lofticries to the heavens
It's deafening!

-xyra-

I'M NOT A PLAYER SO DAMN YOU HATERS!!!

Mar 6, 2007 7:52 PM

Xyra's Contacts

I'M NOT A PLAYER SO DAMN YOU HATERS!!!

                                       

              People question my stand on relationships with “significant persons” in my life. Is it that hard to believe that a person with such personality and appeal (ehem!) could stay single for a very long period of time?

      

               I’m not a player. I don’t usually get in the game while I know how to play. I just can’t get away with it because the game always finds me. As I read in a blog somewhere, it says:

(uknown/missing/forgotten)

               This line totally hit me. I couldn’t find words any better to express myself with it. I have not been ready to commit myself to only one person for three and a half years. As one of my friends stated, it may be prejudicial to the previous relationship. Maybe not. I don’t really know and I don’t give a fuck. I have been in love a couple of times before. Figuratively, it is just not what I need this time. I’m happy. I’m not searching for anything or anyone right now. I’m in control and I go with the flow of after effects. What could I say?! My life is a blast!!!

              It’s a matter of choice. In my point of view, commitment is an obligation. It is the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled to another. A thing which I could totally not be ready for especially in times like these when I am (or should I say was?!) out in the dating scene, wild and free. For me, emotional attachment is like a confinement, a restraint to my personal indulgences or a restriction to see other people. It may sound single-minded that is why I find it really hard to give up my freedom. I feel like it’s a deprivation of something that I really want and enjoy. Now, I wouldn’t want that, would I?

   

              What I need right now is to get through my personal disputes and learn to deal with my complicated life. Solitude is very important to me and amidst my emotional instability, it helps put my life in perspective.

GAMES are OVER for XYRA!


(continuation)

Mar 24, '07 11:31PM
for Xyra's contacts

... and then

     A guy came along like it was supposed to happen a long time ago. Someone who wanted me so much, more than I could ever give. He wanted me exclusively which is really not easy for me. So for the nth time, I turned him down.

     So what he did, he selflessly devoted himself to me without expecting anything in return. Well, maybe a little amount of attention but I guess that won’t hurt anybody (or would it?).

      He changed everything to put me to the pedestal which scared the shit out of my little muffin because that is something that could possibly move me. 

      Eventually, it did because my thoughts were like becoming "What's holding me back?" instead of "I really don't need this right now." And so I started pondering about something called "What would have been?" 

     Come to think of it, there is someone in this gay fucked world who is willing to take on the whole fucked up universe just to put up with a bitch like me. Now, who would pass up an offer like that?

              
     But of course, there's always an apathetic loser whose torpidity weighs more than the affective aspect of her consciousness. Who else, but me! Then one time in band camp, I just realized.. I'm thinking too much. Too much that I'm turning down hot guys for dates. Now why would I do that? As all of my friends say, that is so not me!

             

     So much for putting it into words, he came into my life with just enough passion in his heart to wake me up and to make me long for someone like him..

I'm afraid.. I was swept off my feet!

What the heck? Fuck the game! Forget all the rules!

And for that someone... "Thanks for coming into my life!"

"Thanks for treating me the way you always do. I hope you'll never change and I will always be your princess" (harharhar) ö

Game Over!