In Retrospect, I Make Really Good Sense When I'm Stoned.

I don't fucking do Meth so never assume.  I love to sleep!  Dubee keeps me relaxed. Comfortable. Light. Confident. Beautiful. Pleasured. Peaceful. Deep. Sleep. I'm stoned. You know why I decided to start writing here while stoned? I read my previous entries. Angelo & Chito. And I can't believe I wrote it while stoned. That was amazing expression! I don't know what would they say once they read it which I think they never will.  I'm grown up a bit. I've learned to accept the reality of life is really not beautiful. But I love life as it is. It's a gift. I'm feelin' good. Strawberry Cough is the shit. Hahaha I have a new song. Ugly Kid.  A self-pity bullcrap! Hahahaha "I'm an ugly kid. I'm an ugly kid." Totally my song right?! Hahahaha

Alright. Steady baby. z*p

Chito

I feel sad to realize you're playing me so I appreciate that you're playing safe.  Thank you.  That makes me want to fall in love with you but unfortunately, I don't want to play anymore.  It's so sad.  My life has been so sad.  Is it wrong to finally admit that I'm looking for a boyfriend?  I am picky because he will be my lifetime partner so I won't really settle for less.  I want someone I'm comfortable with and in the same way, he is comfortable with me too.

Why settle for less when there is an option to be free?  Does that make sense?

Freedom and free will are our most precious gifts in life!

Anyways.  I'm done playing.  I guess I never even played so.. I'm done guessing.  If you're just going to be awkward then I really don't have to count on you.  Anything goes.  Whatever floats your boat.  But I won't sacrifice a budget unless you'll get back.

Take it or leave it unless you propose.

#kthanksbye

The Reality of My Life

Again.. another man who raised my hopes up but shattered my hopes into pieces. 

Once again, "A big round of applause everybody!!!

Hahahaha I remember telling someone that I need a drink coz I have a problem.. or not? I can't tell the difference.

Anyways, you felt so real but that was a facade because I slowly begin to uncover your true colors.  You're disgusting!  I remember telling you that I don't want you to go that's why I want us to be friends.  Look at you. You're avoiding me? Really?

Maybe it's wrong for me to not ask you "Why?" but there is really no desire in me to want to know.  It's like I've got you all figured out and it's boring me.  I guess I was never really sexually attracted to you but you made me believe something that I really want is real and so you played me all the way to how far you can but it took it's toll on you and you can't keep up with me anymore.  I remember telling you this all the time back then when you muthufuckin Skype me every fucking mintue.  

You see.. I get along with the universe that's why my instincts are always right.  I just wish I remember reading this everyday so I would remember because I forget all the time.  Say, if I 'd see him, I'd ask him how he is coz I've already forgotten everything and he will go awkward with me but I really don't have any idea what's going on.

I've had a drink with this other older guy but younger than Angelo and I think they both had similar intentions but this older guy.. (I call him older guy because I met him before I even met Angelo. Even before I flew in the States August last year.) he caught my attention the very first time I laid my eyes on him.  I didn't think he was physically attractive yet.  I had no idea! But I got really CURIOUS.  For the first time in my life, I followed him and logged in the notebook and checked out his name before I wrote mine.  I got really intrigued.  What if he's my wavemate?  A splash of excitement ran all over my body.  What is this?  I am really curious. 

This is when I realized in hindsight that you really did play me Angelo.  I never felt the same way with you but you made yourself into something you're really not so don't hate on me.  I had no clue.  Don't worry I'm all good.  I forget everything remember?  But I'll be careful with you moving forward so please don't do it again.  Now fly away! Enjoy life muthufucka! Hahahaha good energy message to you mwuah

Zoned Series: I'm The Bad Person.

I don't know what to say. The truth is like a dead body starting to float in the water.  I am rotten!  I have been a very bad girl.  I acted like a stupid little 3-year old trying to prove everyone how strong and fierce she is when in fact she's the worst thorn you will ever come across with. Pahirap! Abnormal! Ang sama ng ugali. Ang salbaje!

My friends and my family must have loved me so much.  I am thankful.  The truth has come out.  I am a rotten little girl trying to push everyone to the edge.  I don't know what has happened to me or why that happened.  I have no idea!  I don't recall exact little details.  I am so frustrated with myself.  I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to cause harm to anyone physically and mentally.  I am tired.  I am sorry.  I don't know how that happened.  I am not happy to inflict pain on anyone.  I just want to be at peace.  I seriously don't know what to do anymore.  Am I really insane? Is this normal? I'm writing this stoned because I become articulate when I'm fucked up stoned.  It would be nice to be able to read what's going on in my mind during the process.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I really had no sexual attraction to Angelo.  Am I a bad person?  I did not lead him into anything.  I was honest from the beginning.  If you ask me, I really think I didn't do anything wrong.  His decisions are his decisions and I don't have enough information to be able to advise him of the right thing to do. But there was something about us that seemed so right.  It went south after that.  He was a child! So immature for a 45-year old.  But I just realized I'm the bad person.  So maybe I was really mean to him.  So I messaged him and apologized and sent good energy message.

I feel so ashamed after learning about things I did to my siblings.  How did I become that evil?  What happened to me?  I don't blame Duduy for treating me this way now.  Everything is starting to make sense.  My siblings are right.  I should just pity myself because I am rotten.  I don't deserve to be respected.  I have to learn to respect others first.  I literally pushed everyone to the edge! Figuratively!!!  I was so mean. So loud. Unbelievable but real! I'm so awful. I feel so awful.  I don't know how or why? I can't really explain things that I don't even remember.  I'm writing because it's really tiring to think about this.  I'm in abyss.  All my life I have denied the fact that I am the evil one.  I mock them for thinking I'm the evil one but I really fucking am!!! I don't know what to do. Who do I turn to? Anyone I tell my stories to would of course think I'm not the evil one.  Because I'm the one talking.  So let's see if things change when I read them.

This is good shit.  Everything feels surreal.  This is a good experiment.  Writing while stoned on a public and private blog.  Feels awesome!  Makes me forget the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend.  In restrospect, I better stay single.  I am a bad person.  I am derranged.  I don't want any more guys to give into my evil eyes.  I will just make their lives miserable.  I'll stay single and just focus.  I won't feel bad anymore about how Duduy pushes me away.  I'd be less dramatic.  I'll try to stay composed all the time.  I have to just keep it to myself if I felt pain or if I get hurt by the words that come out of their mouth or the energy they shoot in me if they couldn't just blurt things out just because.. I have to stay composed because I deserve that kind of pain.  I was the evil one.  Real evil that I despise that person.  Who is that?! How did it become me? or how did I become that person? I'm not denying fault here.  I'm just amazed that there is such an evil person like me. I can't even believe I exist! I seriously don't know what to do.  I have to stay strong. I can't just say I'll just kill myself because that would make everyone feel I am blackmailing them with suicide stuff. I'm not even suicidal. But you know what I mean?  I'm just saying.  If all of us have demons, I got the worst demon.  I don't want to live anymore if I'll only be hurting people I love.  I am rotten and I hit everyone in their faces like I don't care.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be evil.  I believe in goodness but I am evil.  I'm clueless.  I'm in abyss.  God help me. 😭