Zoned Series: I'm The Bad Person.

I don't know what to say. The truth is like a dead body starting to float in the water.  I am rotten!  I have been a very bad girl.  I acted like a stupid little 3-year old trying to prove everyone how strong and fierce she is when in fact she's the worst thorn you will ever come across with. Pahirap! Abnormal! Ang sama ng ugali. Ang salbaje!

My friends and my family must have loved me so much.  I am thankful.  The truth has come out.  I am a rotten little girl trying to push everyone to the edge.  I don't know what has happened to me or why that happened.  I have no idea!  I don't recall exact little details.  I am so frustrated with myself.  I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to cause harm to anyone physically and mentally.  I am tired.  I am sorry.  I don't know how that happened.  I am not happy to inflict pain on anyone.  I just want to be at peace.  I seriously don't know what to do anymore.  Am I really insane? Is this normal? I'm writing this stoned because I become articulate when I'm fucked up stoned.  It would be nice to be able to read what's going on in my mind during the process.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I really had no sexual attraction to Angelo.  Am I a bad person?  I did not lead him into anything.  I was honest from the beginning.  If you ask me, I really think I didn't do anything wrong.  His decisions are his decisions and I don't have enough information to be able to advise him of the right thing to do. But there was something about us that seemed so right.  It went south after that.  He was a child! So immature for a 45-year old.  But I just realized I'm the bad person.  So maybe I was really mean to him.  So I messaged him and apologized and sent good energy message.

I feel so ashamed after learning about things I did to my siblings.  How did I become that evil?  What happened to me?  I don't blame Duduy for treating me this way now.  Everything is starting to make sense.  My siblings are right.  I should just pity myself because I am rotten.  I don't deserve to be respected.  I have to learn to respect others first.  I literally pushed everyone to the edge! Figuratively!!!  I was so mean. So loud. Unbelievable but real! I'm so awful. I feel so awful.  I don't know how or why? I can't really explain things that I don't even remember.  I'm writing because it's really tiring to think about this.  I'm in abyss.  All my life I have denied the fact that I am the evil one.  I mock them for thinking I'm the evil one but I really fucking am!!! I don't know what to do. Who do I turn to? Anyone I tell my stories to would of course think I'm not the evil one.  Because I'm the one talking.  So let's see if things change when I read them.

This is good shit.  Everything feels surreal.  This is a good experiment.  Writing while stoned on a public and private blog.  Feels awesome!  Makes me forget the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend.  In restrospect, I better stay single.  I am a bad person.  I am derranged.  I don't want any more guys to give into my evil eyes.  I will just make their lives miserable.  I'll stay single and just focus.  I won't feel bad anymore about how Duduy pushes me away.  I'd be less dramatic.  I'll try to stay composed all the time.  I have to just keep it to myself if I felt pain or if I get hurt by the words that come out of their mouth or the energy they shoot in me if they couldn't just blurt things out just because.. I have to stay composed because I deserve that kind of pain.  I was the evil one.  Real evil that I despise that person.  Who is that?! How did it become me? or how did I become that person? I'm not denying fault here.  I'm just amazed that there is such an evil person like me. I can't even believe I exist! I seriously don't know what to do.  I have to stay strong. I can't just say I'll just kill myself because that would make everyone feel I am blackmailing them with suicide stuff. I'm not even suicidal. But you know what I mean?  I'm just saying.  If all of us have demons, I got the worst demon.  I don't want to live anymore if I'll only be hurting people I love.  I am rotten and I hit everyone in their faces like I don't care.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be evil.  I believe in goodness but I am evil.  I'm clueless.  I'm in abyss.  God help me. 😭