D.A.B.D.A.

April 8, 2020 Wednesday Night (time unk)

The first tearful night when self-actualization occurs to my mental and physical entity that the one and only prospective and suspected boyfriend, partner, fiance, groom and/or husband-to-be at this time and space dumped me more than 3 weeks ago (23 nights ago to be exact) for the mere reason that if the 2 of us will just be fighting in this relationship that we both decided to be in because of some strong spiritual, emotional and physical connection, it's better to just break up.  Whoops!  These are words coming from the "man" in this supposed relationship.  At the very least he didn't leave me hanging.  It was rather abruptly quick and I guess "certain" is the word I'm looking for!

Self-Actualization is defined as the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.  

It's very exhausting to realize that I am back in the dating game.  If it still ain't obvious, I really am not good in looking and picking and waiting and anticipating and expecting anything.. or anyone for that matter.  I hate this part!  But these parts are always the ones available to me to take part of.  I'm sick of it!  If only there's a way that I could just settle and expect no lies nor anything complicated that will happen next.  Life is really simple.  I want life to be simple.  It's either you want it or you don't.  But why start something if you ain't even going to finish it?  Yup!  I think I'm still hanging on to the DENIAL stage here.  Why do I have to see the beauty of something so ridiculously beautiful only to be taken away from me.  When will this hunt ever end? 

April 10, 2020 Friday 6:13pm

Allow me to educate you about what DABDA is.

D stands for DENIAL

A for ANGER

B is BARGAIN

I cannot seem to move on to A nor B even..

I cannot seem to move on to the next phase.  Not because it's hard or because I refuse to accept the reality of my life.  It's simply because I don't feel any anger in me at all nor I feel any inch nor split second of an existential need to bargain for anything.  In addition to, why would I need to do that?  Why?  What for?  And for what?  Why do I need to be angry?

I'm getting confused.  Like do I have to fake it?  Am I supposed to feel those sort of emotions?  Why is it not the case?

So am I doing something wrong? Why don't I have a clue?  I'm lost.  Totally!

Apr14, Tuesday 11:16pm

After reading my entry above this right now, I think there's something.  I find myself asking the same questions about my siblings.  It's like I'm asking why are they so mad at me.  What did I ever do for them to hate me so much?  And it's the same thing.  I don't have a clue.  Like how I don't always have a clue about a lot of stuff.  I'm not even sure if I'm making sense right now.  Have I made it my habit to always be clueless about everything?  It would make everything so much easier!  Being on autopilot all day with no feeling nor emotion and is just robotic of things would actually make the job faster and easier.  Unfortunately, I can't be on autopilot all day.

Apr16,Thursday 3:09am

I'm usually awake around this hour.  I have no idea why but I will usually wake up almost 3am or after 3am.  I can maybe count the days that it didn't happen but it happens almost every day even if I'm in a different time zone.  This merits the finality of my DABDA, which is the 5 stages that one has to go through in coping with death or "loss" in my case particularly.  A certain undeniable wisdom got reeled into my being last night.  It was specific and intricately clear and confident but would still require my faith in time and in God. 

To finalize and to finally publish this entry,

D is for DEPRESSION and lastly,

A is for ACCEPTANCE.

Yup!  If acceptance is a special guest, then it just arrived last night.  I suddenly felt light and assured of something that I have no idea about.  Once again, I was clueless but confident in the same way that my faith in Christ is set on stone.  When I was smoking weed last night, it was as if I was back to my old, solo, happy and free self who is oblivious to any negativity and pains in the world.  I am back to my old restless and lonely or bored self who is excited and anxious of my settled state with my lifetime partner which is far from any existential reality in my life.  Yup!  You got me.  I live mostly in my dreams and fantasies.  It keeps me floating.  More often than not, whenever I'm smoking weed, I want to sulk into oblivion to escape the pains which may come in waves especially in tender moments of my solitude, but not last night.  And I have a feeling it's going to be permanent that's why I decided to keep you posted.

It's not that I want to skip the 'Depression' stage though it's the hardest and my least favorite part but it just didn't happen.  Maybe it came on the same day I did burst into tears which ignited this entry and those days I was moping or brooding about the what-if's or what-could've-been's. 

Allow me to share with you the wisdom I encountered.  For someone who just came out from a long term relationship and that someone wants to be cautious moving forward because the pains of a failed relationship isn't simple and easy.  With children involved, investment of time, efforts and emotions may seem indispensable.  However, if one is willing to make it right, sacrifice and timing will be part of the equation.  "June" was mentioned as a go signal and by then, it will mark that your unrecognized status has almost been a year.  So it will be safe to come out and finally be in a new phase of life with a new someone whom you really want to make it right with.  I'm not sure if you get what I'm saying but this is my way of sharing my thoughtful wisdom without revealing classified information.  I'm not trying to be cryptic but if it will make things anonymous then might as well be.

I think that amount of time is enough for one to reflect in retrospect, deal with inner conflicts, get a job and keep it, settle whatever there is to settle,  make necessary arrangements and contemplate on life's new adventures in order to finally move on and start with a clean slate with your newfound life partner whom you believe is your soulmate.

Ended4:48am

June 30 = spiritual deadline 
2020 = physical deadline