What happens to a person if one doesn't connect with anyone at all?
What happened to all my connections?
Suddenly silence is reverberating and it's deafening!
I was so good in connecting with people. That's connecting with people and connecting people together. That is the only best thing I'm good at. I literally gather everyone together and I always make it happen because everyone shows up. It is so easy for me to do it because I'm in good and close relationship with each and everyone. That's every single one of them. Even if they're not in good and close relationship with each other, they connect one way or another because I gather them together.
This pandemic is taking its toll on me because there is no one I connect with. I am an outcast in my very own home. I am being ostracized and it has become a struggle to keep my sanity in place. I crave for connection with anyone!
Back then, my siblings were enough for me. My family has always been my priority but there is just something special about connection with my siblings. It may include those without parental intervention. It's so hard to believe that they have ostracized me and have taken for granted however I may feel about the situation. They are my brother and my sisters! We grew up together. Our parents raised us together and we share the same aches, pains, beauty and intellect. Connection just with my siblings alone, would make everything tolerable. But they've already abandoned me. I'm way past feeling emotional about it. I've already accepted everything. They're adults. They know what they're doing. It's no longer up to me to force them to include me in their plans and happy moments. They should if they really want me to be part of their happy moments. If they don't, then, I guess I don't have a choice but to respect that. My dad and my sister said it. Respect is "earned."
No matter how good I am with wordplay, no amount of words can express how painful this is and I have already accepted it. The pain is unbearable and it lingers in every piece of me. If I'm with them the pain is amplified every single second. I implode but I have to stand still. Maybe this is what love does.
Every time I'm with them how I wish that I was deaf, so I don't have to pretend that I don't hear all their exclusive plans.
Every time I'm with them how I wish that I was blind, so I don't have to pretend that I don't see how much love and affection they have for each other and how much fun they have exclusively.
Every time I'm with them how I wish that I was dumb, so I don't have to pretend that I don't understand what they're doing and what is happening to us. That I won't have the nerve to ask: "How come I'm not part of them when I'm just right here in front of them?"
The truth is harsh and it's real! I guess this is just the way it is for me. That I was born to accept pain and just stagger. My pains will never be valid but it will continue to push me to my limit. This is the reality of my life and I just have to suck it up. It has pushed me to the edge. I can't think of anything else to do or to say in order to cope. I was on anti-depressant for 3 years and I'm not even clinically diagnosed as someone with severe or manic depression. I endured all the withdrawal symptoms just to be able to cease medications.
I get along with different kinds of people. I can use illegal drugs as an outlet. I can get in any kind of relationship just to be able to divert my attention and endure the pain I bear every second. But because of my love for my family, I choose to hold on to God. Whatever I do and whatever I say, my siblings would still hate me if they really hate me. I have surrendered everything to God. He is my strength and my energy. There is nothing more that I can do on my end but to pray for continuous healing. I can't say I got addicted to cannabis. I do smoke weed a lot because it eases my pains and I get to relax and keep calm. My neurologist approved of it and it has helped a great deal to keep me stable. But I can live without it. In fact, I have been sober for more than a month now. Weed is like a massage or a good cup of coffee with good friends. I cleanse and fast every once in a while. I am so done with the tears and the depression stage. It's been more than 6 years! I was able to rise from depression and found healing with God's love and guidance. It did not happen overnight but I conquered it. I could never fathom the depth of their hatred for me. But can you imagine the magnitude of pain that I have to endure simply by being part of this family who choose to disconnect with me and castigate me in different ways instead. I guess no amount of tears will be able to change my siblings nor the situation. They are who they are and I respect that even if they don't respect me. As implied by my very own family, I don't deserve respect anyways!
At the end of the day, I'm home with our parents. I'm the one our parents rely on. After almost four decades, I have come to realize that my parents are smart people. They are wise enough to understand their children. Now I realize why I'm the one at home with them. I can imagine my sister would be quick to claim the fact that among all my siblings, I'm the only one dependent to my parents and I wouldn't be able to live without them because I rely on them so much, not only financially but on a holistic level. I bet in my parent's hearts, they would claim otherwise. I can't even imagine how my parents decided to rely on me on a whole lot of different aspects of our lives. If I'm really a bad and unreliable daughter, why would my dad call me even if I'm in a different time zone just to ask for the contact number of Skycable? It is in fact posted on his wall because I already anticipated the need for such information. Consider that I have 3 more siblings in the same time zone where he was but he chose to call me at 2 in the morning when I have to get up at 6am for work, again, in a different time zone. I'm the only one who accompanied my dad when he was in ICU and that's from day one to discharge date. I've even forgotten all about it. It was our mother who reminded my sister so my sister would calm down and back off from trying to murder me with her piercing words, again!
I appreciate that people who are not my family understand me better. They don’t castigate me nor crucify me like I never feel any pain. I guess He will always give you a sign that you have to trust Him and His plans. There are things about my parents that only I can comprehend because it's going to be beyond my siblings' understanding of their lives, of our lives.
While my inputs are always insignificant to my very own family, I'm still glad it matters to people who truly care about me and my feelings, even if they're not my real or immediate family and wherever home they may be. I still feel God's love over me.
Life is good. God is good. So for the sake of love, I will stand down and allow God's will be done.
