I'm Not Ready Because I Am Sick. Period.

To be honest, I am delighted with the idea of a possible relationship.  At last, there is someone that I can be with again, finally!  It's been a lonely road and I'm the type of person who's not really used to being alone.  I always appreciate company of friends or anyone I'm comfortable with.  I need someone to be with all the time.  I'm not confident to be alone anymore.  I know that I am clingy to my friends and to people around me just because.. I love to be around people.  It makes my life more interesting and happy.  I remember having a boyfriend for a very long time and I remember not being clingy with him because I remember he complained a lot about it.  I remember my friends told me that whenever I plan something, it's always with friends and not with my boyfriend.  It's possible that I never really liked him that much because I was more clingy to my friends than with him.  Why am I saying this?

Because for the first time in my life, it feels so right.  It's true!  God works in mysterious ways.  I can prove it to anyone time and again.  Amidst the mayhem in my life, I feel something ironically right.  I feel and I know His Hand is making it's way to work magic.

One incongruent night at work, I realized I can't be in a relationship.  That poor guy will become my shock absorber.  I'm not well.  I would cry all the time and I would always look for him.  I also see myself calling him in the middle of the night because I need a place to stay.  I left home again and I need a place to crash.  It happened several times but I call and bother my friends because I'm single.  It's less complicated because, if it's my boyfriend I would bother, living together would become an option.  Though I know it would be so much easier for me to leave home and be away from home.  My life would be more peaceful and free.  Things would be so much easier! I know!  But why is it not one of my options?

How can a relationship work if I'm broken?  

I need to heal.  I need to be okay being alone and then everything will follow.

But I'm tired.  I'm tired of being alone.  It just feels so good to be with someone that I can count on all the time just like with ------ or ----- or -------- or ------ and a whole lot more.  

My life was fun back then and I was never alone.  I can always depend on someone.  But somewhere, somehow, I knew that it wasn't right.  I don't know but something tells me, it wasn't right.  No matter how much happy I was or how much fun it was, I knew that it wasn't right.  I did fight for it.  I go crazy in love too.  I guess it wasn't just supposed to be.

This time around, I won't fight for it any longer but I want to make it right.  I'm not ready.  It's a "NO".  But somewhere, somehow, I know.  It will become.

God is good.  I'll make it right this time.