Wedding Industrial Complex

I'm high.

I realize that I am in the wedding industrial complex of things and I got hooked on the toxic social construct of toxic Filipinos that every Filipina has to prioritize getting married and building a family.  Every Filipina has to become a mother in order for her to feel the essence of being a woman and experience the unconditional love a mother gives to her child **dramatic song in the background** for her womanhood to be "complete".

I have to remember that I come from parents with a very toxic relationship.  I just have to take a look at what's happening to our lives here in our own home.  I need to check my relationship with each and everyone in the family for me to determine the level of toxicity this family has.

Think.  Breathe.  Contemplate

Now ask yourself.  

Am I sure I want to have kids?

My medical condition is having a problem maintaining new memories but I remember everything in my past prior to the brain impact. 

I have to remember how difficult my childhood and growing up was.  I remember wishing to just die every single day.  My childhood was chaotic.  I always thought of suicide but I can never really do it.  That's how I am certain that I am not suicidal at all!  I love life.  If things get bad and yes trust me I've had bad-bad!  I never thought of really ending my life.  I've thought of it several times whenever I'm in despair but I always ending up saving my life.  It feels so good to be alive!  I want to experience more in life despite all the downside.

I have to remember all the horrible things my mother did to me.  Fast forward 2 to 3 decades, we're suddenly the best of friends!  I think we're the only one who really connect in this family.  My dad has become the horrible one and all my siblings hate me!

Do the math. And you want to have kids???  Go figure.

Different Facets of Hipocrisy (Version M)

 "If you weren't my friend before, I would never be your friend now."

Versus

"I remember how I used to look up to you and respect you. That I always want to talk to you about things in my life that don't make sense because you make sense of it and we always share the same sentiments. I guess now my subconscious remembers every single detail of our connection then that, subconsciously, I still see you as the person that I should go to. Things changed over the decade that you actually have become harsh and contemptible that I find it acceptable to refer to you as a CUNT. I still hold on to you despite you being a cunt.   I thought maybe because I can't let go of the beauty of the connection we had in the past (those were the years between 2006-2012 or 2013).  I cherished it. It was important to me. I valued you.  You're like the best sister I never had.  You fill a certain emptiness because I never had this kind of relationship even with my own sister and you really act like one. A very concerned and loving elder sister.  What happened to you?  You became hateful.  There were a lot of times that you have offended me so much that I don't think you're even a friend anymore.  Come to think of it.  Why am I your only friend with Ex-cons? I mean yeah yer friends with them but they don't know you like I do.  Plus, you think you know them. Do you really do?

I can't forget the time you told me you won't waste your time with people who have no value to you.  The people you were referring to are the same people I hang out with everyday then.  The people closest to me in my first years in the BPO up until now.  You used to hang out with them too.  I guess you will still do once I set up something that will get everyone together.  I guess that's my fault right there.  I am the only one close to each and every one of you that I should be the one knowledgeable on how to manage you being with the whole gang.  Yup!  I have to manage the relationships I have with my friends because some people just don't go well together.  I had the impression you go well with them but that became obsolete through time I guess.  I stuck with you regardless of how annoying it is to maintain my relationship with you.  You stress me out a lot and I haven't even realized that I can just let go of you.  It was never an option.  You have to stay because I value you.  You know me so well and I identify myself with you a lot.  Something in you changed.  For a time, I chose to understand and accept you no matter how difficult you have been.  I remember the person in you that I loved and respected.  What happened to that person?  It was very hard for me to finally finish this write up.  Believe it or not, I started drafting this since June.  Maybe in my subconscious mind, this is acceptance that you're no longer the same person that I valued the most.  Some things are better just left behind.  You were actually the one who told me that: "You don't keep shit in your life."  You felt you've outgrown everyone.  My acceptance of who you are in my life weighed more than the number of reasons why I should cut you off my life.  Maybe some people choose to keep people because of love.  Love has always been the reason.  

We've reached the end.  I denied it for a long time but right now, I'm at the point where in I can't find any more reasons why I should keep you.  Thank you for the memories because I wish to keep them for as long as I can.  I still imagine you and your husband will be present in my wedding when I have one.  I always picture the same people in my past who will be present in the event.  Some people are already eliminated because of various reasons like death and/or death of relationship.  I remember one of them that I eliminated, you were the one person who encouraged it.  Let's see how it goes when my wedding comes.  See you when I see you V.. or not.. but again, thanks for the memories!  It's only a matter of time and I still get to keep them.  

How Come I'm Still Here?

At this day and age, with a decade and a half experience in the BPO industry, I am, once again, in a classroom training for an E-commerce account.  The company provided equipment to WFH.  It was impressive.  The company seem to be equipped and has advanced IT services for technical difficulties were being addressed quickly real time.  It's an in house company which has amazing benefits and their culture has a certain centricity to employees' growth and development whether within the company or to their humanity or well being.  I was just appalled by the trainer speaking in the vernacular and gay lingo which was of course accepted by everyone in the class because trainees and new hires are more comfortable to speak in the vernacular.  Of course, everyone is more comfortable with our native language.  I just find it unprofessional.  But who am I to judge the trainer especially when I'm the only one who got axed out of the batch.  I think only 3 people met the passing score for OJT and all 3 of them are tenured employees who transferred to this campaign.  I'm the only one who was not endorsed to Academy Bay because of a ZTP violation.  I failed to authenticate via email which, ironically, I have been used to doing since I've been in this BPO industry for 15 years.

Oh well, we all just have to keep moving on so I went back to my previous company and once again, I'm a trainee.  The trainer is already 36 years old but he's not acting his age at all.  On the first day of our training, he said: "I'm not good in English so let's make a deal to be transparent. If you find me not talking correct, tell me. Can we agree on that?"  He talks in the vernacular all the time like he can't speak English.  It bothers me a lot and I find it outrageous because he is the trainer of the campaign.  The trainer and my batch mates are talking about video games in the vernacular majority of the time.  They talk about it more than the product.  

Whatever happened to dignitary trainers?  

When I was starting in this industry, I look up to my mentors.  They were actually the reason why I decided to hone my communication skills.  I got intimidated and I didn't like the feeling.  So I challenged myself to be better.  I hated the feeling of running out of words, stuttering and feeling insulted because the person I'm talking to would think I don't speak nor understand English very well.  I can't imagine how newbies would be encouraged to improve their communication skills if their trainer doesn't even pay attention to his own communication skills that he just speaks in the vernacular because it's easier.

Why am I still here?  

I repel the fact that I have to swallow a bowl of shit everyday from someone who doesn't feel the need to be professional at work while he's facilitating a class.  The newbies appreciate it I guess because they're newbies.  They have no idea what they got themselves into.  There's no structure nor direction because the trainer seem to not have any idea that he has to manage the whole class and that he has to consider how these newbies will grow in this industry with his help.  Our training was very unproductive.  There were several down times daily like he would leave the class to do his phone time or the trainer would just talk to the male trainees about video games, cars and hobbies in the vernacular, while I imagine all the possible fun activities that these new trainees can experience inside the training class that could help them learn, improve themselves and be excited about the work at hand.  But the trainer is a very compassionate man.  You can see that he cares about the welfare of the class and he is always very willing to help just like a an empathetic customer service representative.  On a professional perspective, that just doesn't make the cut.  This is work.  You are being paid to do a job and not just to be yourself wherever you are.  It's unnerving to realize what I got myself into.  The experience is demoralizing.  Everyone says I have very good communication skills.  I'd be willing to teach my trainer how to speak good English but I don't think he's even interested to improve his communication skills and quite frankly, that is just messed up!  It's a technical account and he got promoted to a trainer position in spite of speaking improper English so I guess he doesn't feel the need to improve oneself.  But it's my thing.  Everyone in the class would ask me for advise on what's going to happen or what's the right thing to do.  The trainer would always set me as an example on how to respond appropriately but he can't be a good example for the class.  He was and is confidently awkward but he has very good technical skills.  

I still remember how I've decided to improve my communication skills more than a decade ago when I realized that this is going to be my bread and butter in this industry.  It's the language that we are required to use and I wasn't really good with it so I knew that I needed to work on it.  I was challenged and I challenged myself by thinking in English.  It works!  You listen to yourself make the most horrible grammatical errors possible and find ways to correct it.  I used the dictionary a lot.  I looked up words I didn't recognize and learned what it means, how it's used and practiced it.  I tried to find all the opportunities to be able to speak English without looking like a blow hard by talking to people who are comfortable with the language and that they speak the language naturally.  It's the only effective way to be good with something.  I speak in English as a customer so I can practice and be more comfortable with the language.  I read books and researched the meaning of words that I don't understand.  I watch movies and series and paid good attention on how Americans pronounce their words.  I compared it to Filipino accents.  I learned the right ways to pronounce words.  I did all these things and I actually found it fun and entertaining.  I get to discover talented music artists. I looked up the meaning of lyrics and tried to relate with different genres.  Can you imagine how entertaining learning English is?  A few years later, I haven't even realized that most people think I'm American.  A lot of people have asked me if I know how to speak in Tagalog which surprised me.  I was born and raised in Manila, Philippines and most people find that hard to believe.  

But why am I still here?

I still remember the very first day I stepped in the BPO industry and I already knew that I wanted to be a trainer.  Fast forward 15 years later and I'm still at the very same spot.  

So why am I still here?

How come I'm a trainee again?  I was actually a rehire.  I resigned because my TL then explicitly told me that he may promote my other teammates but not me.  He was very unprofessional.  I couldn't take it anymore so I took a job with a very rewarding compensation package.  He was a horrible asshole until the last minute.  I don't know where all his hate is coming from considering he's gay because I get along with gay people all the time.  Seriously, he actually refers to himself as a mermaid.  But again, going back to my question.  

How come I'm still here?  

What's wrong with me?  I have already accepted that I have a mild cognitive impairment.  I was made felt of my limitations frequently.  This experience is actually devastating and confusing.  I was also in denial.  It took 7 years after the accident before I decided to get myself checked.  It's devastating for two reasons:  

1) It's embarrassing and frustrating to be half functioning 100% of the time.  

2) I get all the hate from everyone including myself.  I personally would think people around me started to despise me because I'm no longer fully functioning the same way I was.

None of my siblings talk to me when I'm having a very hard time pulling myself together.  But then, again, everyone would probably have their own personal reasons to hate me.  Plus I get all the drama of our mother and father every day and every night at home.  I take it because they are our parents.  Why the fuck would everyone hate me so much?  It doesn't make any sense at all!  Has my memory gone so bad that I can't recall the horrible things I did?  But I guess the real question is, do we really have to reminisce the bad things?  Is it really easier to remember all the horrible things than to just give compassion and love even just for a little bit?

Again, going back to my question.  How come I'm still here?

Still waiting for my start date (again) with Chase where I believe I will finally meet my partner in this lifetime and I'm praying that it will become the company that I'll be working for until I retire.  I'm really looking forward to it.  There's hope in me.  It's all I have so I got to, at the very least, have hope.

Demarcation

Who pronounces it? 

I knew I have to draw the line when we have a pandemic going on and our world became limited to family members we live with at home.  We were on a total lock down for the first time in this lifetime.  It was horrible!  The world we knew had to change.  For the first time in our lives, we had to cross out social interactions in our vocabulary.  We have to get locked up because there is a deadly virus on a killing spree.  After 2 months of a total lock down, finally, traveling to the next town was allowed.  I live with my family.  That's my mom, my dad, my brother and my youngest sister.  You can imagine how we get excited to travel in the next big town after a total lock down.  I get a call from my cousin and he's questioning me why I didn't come with them.  My younger brother and my youngest sister, whom I live with here at home drove to Tagaytay and left me behind.  They picked up my cousin in Cavite, brought some booze with them and had some crazy fun.  Then, my cousin complained at me that I didn't come because he also wanted to spend time with me.  Imagine my heartbreak.  There's a pandemic and we're in a lock down.  There was no work allowed and no establishments were allowed to operate.  Where in the world would I be in a total lock down?  My brother and sister, who lives in the same house as me, decided to go on a road trip without me.  

 

How horrible can that be?  

 

Who would do such a horrible thing?

 

How horrible am I that I deserved to be a pariah? 

When the only thing that connects us both is cannabis and you would tell me you already quit.  But then our source would ask me if I would want to grab some too so he could bring it to us both at one time coz you just hollered at him to get your stash.

 

When you are consistent in shooting nasty messages damaging enough to make me want to kill myself.  The messages that come from your pristine mouth are the worst messages I can ever receive in my lifetime.  I can't imagine someone with your fragile face and personality have the capacity to ruin another to the point that I want to just combust and disappear to nothingness.  I follow you on Instagram.  I see your fresh face all made up looking nice and sweet with all the beauty of life that the world can bring you showcased like candy.  Sometimes I imagine posting all the messages you sent me as a comment.

You are the very reason why one would go to an asylum.  You make my worst nightmares into a reality.  I don't even know how you can do that and how come you don't realize how damaging you are to another.  We were taught to foster hope in times of despair but you just verbalize all the worst possibilities with so much hate in you that it's murderous!  I've told you this before and I'll tell you again.  Be careful of the things that you say because more often than not, you're drinking someone else's blood.  Yes, there were so many times that I wished I never had been born because I felt so miserable being your younger sister.  But Thank God I don't have any suicidal tendencies.  Through the years, I guess I outgrew feeling miserable as your younger sister.

I'm your sister-your family.  We're supposed to be the same blood.  How can you be such a monster that you don't even realize the gravity of damage you have done to my totality that it changed me and made me who I am today.  I guess part of me is thankful because I wouldn't have this kind of resilience to harshness if it weren't for you.  I bore the fruit of your training since our childhood days.  Thank you.  You and mum are the reason why and how I identify myself so much with black people.  Black people are identified as the bad people when they're not even doing anything evil.  I have identified myself with them thru their music growing up.  I feel them.  I am them. 

 

Thank God I don't have any suicidal tendencies.  I thank God because I am a strong person that I am able to pull myself together in this atrocity.  The pain already numbed me but what's worse is, I feel empty with what this family is doing to me.  I feel like a house without a foundation or like a stump without the backbones.  There is a void and I'm in abyss.  I thank God that I don't have any suicidal tendencies because anyone who would be in my shoe would wish to just die than to go thru this whole bullshit.  

 

I don't even get it.  What's your point? 

What are you expecting to happen after all these?

For the life of me, I don't remember ever portraying myself as the good girl.  I was never the good girl and I never really pretended to be one.  Not even once.  So I don't get what all the finger-pointing drama is for.  Kinda redundant isn't it?  I was never in denial.

Oh you still want me to change into something I'm not after all these years?  After you've branded me as the villain of the millennium, you expect me to transform and submit?  Growing up, I've always identified myself as the existential black sheep and the root of all evil.  I don't even take offense.

Tell you what.  What if we make a deal and I'd commit to change only if you do too?

That was a rhetorical question.  Pardon my rhetorics for some truths do create a deafening sound like a reverberating silence.  I'd rather stir up a blur to the scarring lines to make it bearable to see.  I'd choose to stay in obscurity than bear the pains of the harsh truth.  Come to think of it.  At the very least, I'm not pointing fingers.

My instincts are telling me that there will be no turning back on your end.  You are so determined to put me to the edge of life, make me stand up on my toes until I jump to oblivion.  You have so much hate towards me when I don't even have the energy to fight back.  I can't even keep a job because of this stupid mild cognitive impairment I have.  You expect me to still pay attention to all the hate you all throw at me?  I'd rather make money and pay all the debts I have and all the debts I will have to make in order for me to enjoy life and survive this wicked world I live in.  

 

Have you forgotten how we were raised?  Growing up I had been strong because I get my energy from family.  We had such great bonding and memories over the years.  Our parents raised us that way.  How can you not consider how it kills me now that you have ostracized me to the point of no return.  Like I'm someone invisible that you don't see, someone who is deaf who doesn't hear you and someone who is blind who doesn't see you.  How can you not see how it's killing me?

It's killing me that you don't see when everybody else around us does.  I don't even need to explain myself to friends and to relatives.  They just see it and they get it.

 

I don't get where all the hate is coming from.  It's exhausting.  

Every waking moment I ask God for mercy that He may remove me from this hell on earth I am living.  

When will this be over?

 

Now I get it why some people commit suicide.  The hopeless feeling that one can get is horrible.  People who go thru some real depressing predicaments that merit loneliness and despair like this one that I'm going thru are really being tested.  It's nerve-racking and disturbing enough that anyone would do anything to get out of the horrible feeling.  But I'm in the right state of mind and I'm strong enough to fight it.  There are people who don't even go thru depressing predicaments but are feeling horrible for no reason.  Yes, it happens.  I know it because I've been thru it.  I was on medications for more than 3 years and it was horrible.  I'd rather think that I am the problem than to face the fact that I'm not.  I was in denial but only the truth can set us free.  

 

Demarcation is my survival.  When I had acne vulgaris due to stress in 2015 and 2020, it was horrible. 

 

Demarcation is my survival.  I pronounce it now that I have stress-free, clear skin.  Because of self-awareness, I managed to rise from the culprit and accept the bitter reality of my life, change only what I can and gain the wisdom to know the difference.

 

You pronounced demarcation but now I say demarcation is my survival.

Avoidance is not all the time a sign of weakness.  It's a sign of wisdom.

I hope someday, somehow, these things I write will help someone and would give them the courage to fight.  Life is hard and I want the horror to end.  But the horror is persistent and I have to live it.  I can't do anything else but to live life even though every waking moment of my life burns.

I count my blessings but the pains, they don't go away.  They linger and I linger but I choose to keep the faith.  

 

Demarcation is my survival.  

 

For now.

Different Facets of Hipocrisy (Version C)

Do you think you have one?

You try to be articulate in glorifying God but how come you are incapable of being selfless?

You know how blessed you are beyond measure but you refuse to give back.  It's like something that burns you that you just cannot extend your gratitude to God by giving love to your neighbor.. to your sister.. to your brother.. to your cousin.. friend.. parents.. colleagues.. to anyone aside from yourself.

Your gestures are so appalling that sometimes I think when you praise God, you please yourself and not Him per se.  When you talk about God, it's pleasing to YOU in the sense that it gives you a sense of empowerment.  It gives you a sense of entitlement and it pleases YOU.  It doesn't please God anymore because your gestures of worship are so full of YOU.  You speak in tongues which is a language of God and not of man but you speak it even if your fellowmen don't understand.  It doesn't matter to you because it pleases YOU.  And that's the only thing important to YOU.

I remember you always tell me: "Live in the grace of God."  And I believe you.

You know how I enjoy bonding with you because we talk about God.  Our moments are full of love and joy because we glorify God.  We bask in His presence and love and it's pleasing.  It pleases us both to share family love and family bonding.  We enjoy every moment.  But it racks my brain that it's just a fleeting moment.   Your time is conditional.  You refuse to connect if you have to exert an effort.  You will only connect at a place and time amendable to you.

You don't give back.  You only know how to take and receive and you are incapable to proactively "give".  It doesn't matter to you if it's my birthday or it's a deal that would give us time to bond and connect again.  You just don't "give back". 

This attitude of yours has repelled me for a very long time but because we are taught to live in love then what the heck.  I'd rather dwell in the good things.  I even remember talking to you about this straight up.  We were at your roof top and I wanted to confront you about your capacity to "give".  I remember asking you indirectly why is it that you don't have any.  We were high as always but I clearly remember your answer.  You said your love is for God and not for man.  I got it crystal clear.  I've accepted it because you are family and I love you.  I enjoy being with you and I love our bonding moments.

Until you crossed the line..

You probably don't remember because you really don't want to remember what you did.  You made me go to your place in the middle of the night.  I was going out of my mind that night so I did.  When I was already at the area, you seen zoned me and then ghosted.

Yup.  True story.  I won't make this up.  There's no reason to.

How hard could it be?  It's been 2 years and you still haven't connected with me in my own time and place.  Your time and effort is conditional indeed.  You will only connect if it's to your own convenience.  If that's not the case then you'd just say: "Live in the grace of the Lord."  Because you just can't "give" no matter what it takes.

Go figure Jem.

A Plethora of Thoughts in a Myriad of Emotions..

 has left me stuck..

I am just stuck in a whirlwind of stance.

I could say I have figured things out but a part of me wants to stay blind.

A big part of me wants to stay oblivious to the neurotic reality of my life right now. 

I would rather remain in the inertia of galloping abyss and be cluelessly blissful and free..

..so my life would be bearable.

I would stay afloat and numb to every waking moment which burns.

Aron

I guess the cosmos is calling me to finally formulate my thoughts on you.  You had been dwelling in my psyche for a while now and this past few days you have been incessantly boggling my mind, you won't stop.  I usually wake up around 3 to 4 am every single day.  The only difference today is you are hyperactive in my mind.  Again.  It's not even overwhelming because logic dictates it's just fair.

Why?  There are 2 reasons.  

The first one may be classified as "instinctive" which, you, actually already validated as material after a few months since the first day I met you.  There is something with you that told me, "Just watch out and wait."  After I woke up earlier which is like an involuntary habit that happens to me after 3am daily, I felt like putting my thoughts in here.  I read my entry prior to this one and there you were.  The second one is something that is aligned to "Newton's Law of Action & Reaction".  I guess by now it's safe for me to say that you have already triggered so many signals that it has become tangible.  In other words you have provoked it to be the truth.  While it remains a mystery to me how you can fuck my mind real good because I found out that you have the audacity to tell everyone else but me.  You actually say it to people around us that you're trying to hit on me but you never really hit on me.  You never said anything to me directly though your eyes kind of undress me in a way.  I find it sexy how your lips make me feel beautiful when you don't even say anything at all.  It's amazing how you did that not only once.  I felt empowered with you.  It's flattering how your facial expression directly told me: "You're captivating!"  And you never even uttered a single word.  It's hot!

I won't even begin to question why.  You are already committed to a relationship just like how all of you good guys are and you have an 11-year old daughter.  Enough said.  You are a good man.  Though your demons are pushing you, you stand down and play it safe.

I guess this is one disadvantage if you're highly intuitive.  I understand a lot of things that are not put into words but I know how real it is.  Sometimes I call it 'instinct' but most of the time it's something else.  I understand human emotion like it's a language that speaks to me without words nor sounds.  Sometimes, I discern human emotion through vision.  The emotion becomes visual to me with the face and body language.  I can utter adjectives just by seeing a face.  It doesn't happen all the time but when it happens, it's confirmatory.  Proving it is beyond human comprehension but it's cosmic and it's real.