You Will Never Be My Friend

Not anymore.

        

            I need you now. I badly need a friend right now. Someone who knows what's going on in my life whom I can talk to. Someone whom I can breathe out my pains and my hurts and validate it. I expected you to be here with me like how I was there with you as your friend when you were drowning. But I can't even reach out to you because things are now different with you. Things are always becoming complicated with you even if it's not. You have a penchant for making a mess about things which are not even supposed to be messy but with you, straightaway, it's a big issue. I was there for you when you were at your weakest so you told me I can count on you too but we both know that's just lip service.

            I can no longer rely on you to be just my friend. I can't count on you anymore. This is one clear proof that it's no longer possible. I know I can just call you to talk and you will make yourself available for me no matter what. But I know something isn't going to be right again. I can imagine, in the course of time, how you will undoubtably take all the possible chances to rub it in my face that I reached out to you this one time and blame me for things that are not even an issue but it suddenly is because that's just you. You refuted yourself when you said that you will never bother me again, that you've already sent your last message and that you'll never call me again to converse. You still do regularly message me and call me and in each instance you never failed to show me your awkward energy. I never taunted you about it because you were already awkward the whole time we were in contact so it will be redundant for me to still verbalize the obvious. I never rubbed it in your face but I know that you won't think twice to rub it in my face if in case I do reach out to you this one time because that's just who you are. Considering I don't even need to avoid you because I appreciate the fact that you're around. You're not a threat to me because I see you as my friend just like the old times. You're the one who needs regulation.

                You see, you left me this kind of memoir of you-the mean, rude, toxic and hostile one. It would've been better if you left me the suppressed, unparagoned and once in a lifetime facet of you that was full of love and admiration. I have never felt so alone in my entire life and remembering that person who was compassionate, empathetic and full of love, passion and desires over me would make my life bearable. No matter what you say, it's still who you are. You know it and I know it. But being the lean, mean, deep, malignant narcissist that you are, your imagined fears and insecurities got the best of you. It may be possible that one facet of your character, the righteous one, is remorseful of the fact that the ideal lover facet that you were romanticizing in front of me is just an illusion that your narcissistic habits were so used to pulling so I'd fall for you and you can escape the part where you have to be alone. You were seducing me by fabricating a fantasy, everything that I could ever want while I was drowning. Now, the real question is, what kind of a despicable person would do that?

              

                       We can never save our friendship because you're already at the point of no return. You know it and I know it. We can be married but we can never be just friends. I'm saying it casually because you are female like I am and you're my friend. It's the hetero in me and that's the truth. If I'm being delusional, then why can't you be a real good friend and hook me up with your cousin? We're both at right age to settle down, we want the same things in life, like to start a family and have kids, he's a man and I'm a woman. You know that our personalities will compliment each other, so why not? I thought you're my friend? We were never in a relationship in the first place. I was only being a friend to you that's why I offered to help. We're supposed to be friends, remember? Have you forgotten? I remember how you kept telling yourself we're friends but it doesn't really feel like it if this is the case.

                Now, I understand why you always become too emotional, too dramatic and hostile in all random scenarios. You already know it in your heart and it kills you to realize your truth but you just can't do anything about it because you're already there and it is what it is! While I, on the other hand was oblivious all along. I just get stressed out with you because to me, you are overacting, exaggerated or you're just being the same old toxic you. Now, I understand why. Pardon me for just realizing this now. By now, I know it's not going to be right for me to see right thru you and then tell you all about it because this is exactly what captivated you.  God knows I'm not doing it to ensnare you because I'm not like you. It's something that I happen to do naturally and it mystifies me as to how. Plus, I'm not desperate to be with someone to love me, to feel loved or to be in love. That's you! I'm pretty much comfortable being solo. I'm happy being single and I value my freedom like it's a blessing. I'm in control with my life but I'm not a control freak like you.

               You know I love you and I've already accepted who you are. You're already past condemnation with me. In fact, I'm open to be your shotgun rider til the day I die. Once I decide to be with you, it's going to be final and we're not going to be just friends anymore. There's no turning back. It's a choice of a lifetime. But right now, I'm not making that choice yet. I'm giving myself a chance to have the life that I've been dreaming of so when 'us' happens, I won't have any regrets and I will never look back.

Why am I saying this? Why am I romanticizing the illusion that you planted in my head?

                Because no matter what you say, I already lost you as my friend and this is the only way to have you back. Whether you like it or not, this is our reality now.  You can pretend to be my friend but you're so bad at it you can't even keep up. I guess we'll always find ways to keep our distance or should I say, I will always find ways to keep my distance because you can't seem to handle it if you don't hear anything from me for a long time. You think I don't know that? Based on your track record, your maximum is 12 days. Don't you think we're too old for this kind of bullshit? I don't know about you but it's sophomoric to me.

                This is one of those times when I feel so alone and hurt that I consider romancing the possibilities of a lifetime with you just to escape my pains. I'm sure you can relate because you used to have no idea how to handle being alone. I'm glad you're learning and getting better at it now. It's going to be frustrating but not surprising to find out you're using somebody again. With what I'm going thru, I could just latch on to you so my pains won't be amplified but I'm definitely not like you. Ruminating on it would convince me that there's something pathologically wrong with you.

                

                    The life you showed me that we can have was and still is very alluring and tempting. It's wickedly appalling to realize how you used every chance you got to seduce me from start to end. Your habitual manipulative character glaringly manifested and you showed me things I haven't seen in you before. I can tell you also realize that you haven't done that before with anyone else.          

                     Once again, you will never be my friend. Not anymore. I guess I just have to get used to being trivial and superficial with you moving forward. Unless you stop pretending and start to become real with me. It's all up to you. You're the one creating your life and the people around you. One thing for sure is that I can't stand you anymore. I can't stand you being mean to me. I can't stand your rudeness. I can't stand your hostility. We both know the reason why you behave that way with me and you will never become my friend again. 

                 I can imagine how you would want to argue about this again and insist that you really see me as your friend and there's nothing more. You weren't yourself but now you're starting to get back to yourself and things will be different. If that's your case and point, then you have just officially confirmed how despicable of a person you can become. You went to great lengths to make me fall for you. You were actually forcing a romantic relationship between us and that statement is not an exaggeration. This is the truth that I saw in you. I haven't even taken into account the truth behind the version that you were parading in front of me. What's your narrative about me with your family? With your friends? The great lengths that you have to go thru with yourself, with other people and with me to make me believe something which isn't supposed to be real is beyond acceptable. It's evil! That would just make you beyond a narcissist but a psychopath! Whether you are really, truly, deeply madly in love with me or not at all, either way makes you a contemptible person. If it's the former then you're a liar and a pretentious, hypocritical, fake friend. If it's the latter then you are psycho! So which route are you going for now?

                    I can no longer pretend that I don't see right thru you. The truth of the matter is, I naturally do. It's going to be really hard for me to not be real with you. I won't be able to stand your pretenses. Not anymore. So I guess this is really good bye my ex-friend. It's not the end but til I see you again.

While Your Energy Emanates Survival Mode, You'll Be ON MUTE

     

                   This is when I started to understand how you said that you can no longer see me as just your friend and that you can't go back to the way we were.

"It feels so right to say the word I love you with you because I know I've always been in love with you and I always will. Hindi na magbabago yun." 

            These are all your words. You were still married when you confessed all your bottled in feelings towards me. It felt accurate to say the least because you've manifested it and I've felt it from you ever since we first met 18 years ago. It felt accurate every time you give me an attitude because you're not getting what you expected of me. It felt accurate when I woke up one day and something had already happened between us without my conscious knowledge. It felt accurate every time we fight whenever I tell you about guys hitting on me or that one guy courting me because you find him ugly. It felt accurate when I blocked you because you were insisting I really wanted to have sex with you and that I liked it but in reality, you took advantage of me when I was fucked up drunk and stoned. It felt unquestionably accurate when I learned that you got married. It felt unequivocally accurate when you finally confessed all your suppressed feelings towards me that I didn't have to pretend that I'm surprised.

            I'll be completely honest and say that it feels so good to be loved the way you do. Imagine your world getting shattered just because I was no longer by your side. You empowered me. We reunited and I was able to pull you out from that hell you created when you lost me. You made me feel responsible. I wanted to appreciate you and the fact that we were able to salvage our friendship. You fell in too deep because you were at your weakest and you saw how I genuinely wanted to help you. In spite of my debilitating predicament, I would never want to take advantage of you. You saw how I trembled and I could barely breathe. I could've just latched on to you for my own survival but I  allowed you to find yourself because it's the right thing to do. I want to see you beyond all your turmoil and toxic nature. I need you to come back to the real you.

            Now that you're getting there, you have become really stressful to me. How I wish you were a completely different person who just appreciates the good things and would never find fault in others and blame others for things that are happening to your life. You tried to reverse how you really feel for me but your energy is screaming you're in survival mode. I can see right thru you and it feels like I can almost hear what you're saying in your head that I have to resist responding to it. It's hard to impede the clear vision you emit. Sometimes, I cringe when I see your face. I can't even tell if you're doing it on purpose to make it so evident to me or you're totally unaware. It's crystal clear like a text in bold and all caps.

           

            God knows how mystified I am that I can see right thru you. There isn't even a question in my mind about what I see. You're like a program that feeds data in my psyche thus the accuracy is unparalleled.  You're even waiting for confirmation if your processor would be acceptable to me or not because all you are waiting for is to get synched. Maybe that's why your energy is in survival mode every time we connect. The sight of me weakens you because all you want is to hold me back in your arms but you can't. You're not even allowed to admit anything anymore because your ego forced you to slat out hurtful words towards me so you can save your pride. Apparently, it means that much to you. Now you can't just take it back in an instant or you'll run the risk of being hilariously, pathetically and ridiculously pitiful!

        

            You have to live in pretense around me. You can't be real but every moment weakens you. Thus, you energy is emanating in survival mode.

              

              This has a negative impact on me though, that's why I'm writing this entry and making this my official action plan. I have to set my boundaries. I think I've done more than enough for you for me to deserve any more negativity from you. Enough is enough. I already blurred the lines once so I can help you breathe freely but not for you to blame me for the negative things that are happening to you. You keep telling me you're grateful and you're thankful for what I did but your actions speak louder than words. For the record, I never really felt that you were sincerely thankful and grateful to me. In fact, there's a certain cryptic energy you project that is screaming I owe you one. There is hostility in you towards me that I can't seem to figure out where it's coming from. Why are you so mad? What did I ever do to tick you off? What am I triggering you for? I can't seem to point my fingers at it but you have this certain vibe saying I owe you one.  Your energy is screaming something else. You're not being real. No matter how hard you try to quell your emotions, I can feel your hostility in every single encounter we have after you decided to keep your distance so you won't be able to toxify me with all your drama. No matter how hard you try to hide and suppress it, you still eject it. I don't understand how and why you can still do that when I thought I only did what's best for you. So does that equate to you being thankful and grateful? Why are you all over the place whenever we reconnect? You send me messages then you delete them even though I've read all of them. You tell me you won't bother me anymore but you still call me again and again for no reason. You will call me and have friendly conversations with me and then will ask me if there's anything else that we need to talk about before we hang up. Then you have to make up silly justifications on why you have to call me because you feel the need to do so. How awkward is that? I don't even feel like I'm still talking to my friend. It's like your guards are up and you're always defensive for some cryptic reason. I bet you have no clue but these are your projections whenever we have moments together. Imagine, it's not even in person.

                

                I can no longer take any more bullets for you. I've done it once and I thought it should be enough. What more do you want from me? This is when I draw the line. I can no longer continue having any conversation with you because every single one leads to negativity. Of all the people I still have a relationship with, you're the one and only person who still does that. I've already cut off all the negative people in my life. You're the only one remaining in it who is consistently negative. You try to be positive but it never lasts. So there's nothing left for me to do next but to cut you off as well. I know I already did that once and after 5 years, it only led to you, confessing your true love and desires towards me. That's the reason why I know I can't do it again. I regret the aftermath in your life after I completely removed you in mine. So I'm not going to do that this time around. 

        

                I'm going to keep you in my life but I'm going to mute you. It will deprive you of all the possible opportunities to still infect me of your toxic nature. There's nothing more we need to continue talking about, right? You're doing better. I'm living my life the same way. We're a thousand miles apart. So why do we still need to continue communication when I know you're only waiting for your moment to retaliate. I know in my heart I did nothing to hurt you. I only wanted to help you and get you back to your true self. I did exactly that even though while in the process, you didn't think twice to hurt me. In fact, it felt like you've been waiting for so long to hurt me because it hurt so bad. There's nothing more I can do for you. I can be a friend to you but you will never be a friend to me. You will always have a reason to argue with me. You will always have a reason to feel offended by me and to offend me. But I will never close my doors to you. I will just mute you. 

               When the time comes that you decide to admit defeat the second time around, when you finally decide to stop lying to yourself, stop living a lie and accept your truth, then I guess that's the time when we need to have that long awaited conversation. That's the time when the dancing stops while on mute because we need to turn on real music. Finally, we will reach the point where in we would need to make some real, drastic and final changes to our lives. I'll be expecting a grand proposal. Until then..

June: A Deadline To My Musings

                It's the last month of the first half of the year. I'm giving myself until this month to muse and mope about true love that I may have had savored at the start of the year. But then I had to walk away, move on and let go. May it be as brief as it was, I know it was real because I felt it within the depth of my core. It was pure seduction that it was so hard to let go. It's real and it will never be over but it's a choice I have to make. It felt so good that I would give anything to feel it again because of where I stand in my life right now. 

                I never felt so alone in my entire life. 

                Someone whom I knew from my youth confessed a true love that yearns for me, desires me and is always longing for my love. It's everything I could ask for from a lifetime partner. The bonus is that someone is from my youth that it feels so safe and familiar. We grew up together and shared the same experiences over the years. May it be awful or awesome experiences, we lived it and loved it because it made us who we are today. That's how I knew it was real. Someone who would go crazy over me and would do anything to be with me, to make me a wife, build a life with me and make me a lifetime partner is like the archetype of a soulmate. It's an illusion you used to endlessly seduce me and confuse me to achieve your gains. Personally, it's like I'm being offered a brand new home since subliminally, I already lost my home. It's everything that I have been waiting for in this phase of my life but there will be no fruition. I will have to keep that illusion afloat to maintain a life with you which will be ironic because I repel false realities. All my life I have kept it real even if I got a lot of hate from it. It's the last thing that I would need and at the end of the day, it's not a life that I want. It's not the life that I can imagine I will have. 

                   A number of times, I had the urge to reach out and just allow myself to gallop in the inertia of romantic bliss, bask in your intoxicating passion which numbs me and renders me paralyzed of euphoric energy. It would be galvanizing to imagine the paradise that we could realize blissfully all the way but the reality of the matter is that deep down in my core, I know what I really want and I know what I need in this lifetime. I need a man and not a woman. It's something that I don't have to think twice about. I can't force something that is not me. Only a man can stimulate me basically, physically, mentally, spiritually, figuratively, practically and literally. I gave this supposed love life a chance. From the bottom of my heart, I attempted to live it and love it but it was awfully hard for me. I was deceiving myself all the way that I did everything possible to stay high while at it. I know that I won't be able to sustain it at this time. Maybe I can but I would know that deep within my core, something is not right. It's unnatural which absolutely will never be me.

                It would be unfair to reach out to you and tell you how much I love you because I really do. I only want the best for you and I don't even need anything in return. I want you to be happy like you are a part of me that I've always had and will always want to have with me. It would be unfair to keep you with me because I know you're not the one who could really make me happy. Though I know that you want me to be your only happiness and I can just be, but it's not fair to me. You are one of my closest and oldest friend that you're like family. It felt so good to have you back as my companion. However, you opened the Pandora's box. We all know that once opened, we just have to keep the Pandora's box open because there's no turning back.

                        

                    I only have until this month to savor the memories and the musings because when the second half of the year begins, my true love will flourish. True romance will be abundant. I have to give way and enough space to the life I have always imagined.  The life that I have always wanted. The man for me and I am for him. Though you were able to blur that dream really well, I have faith and I'm still hoping to achieve this dream. There is a certain synchronicity that I find in our life experiences. My trauma have already blurred the life that I have been dreaming of then you came at a time where I need to realize my reality has already changed. You want to seal the deal but I'm still holding on to that dream.

                Maybe when the time comes that I will finally decide to let go of my dream and you are still there waiting for me, trying to maintain that illusion you injected in our lives, then I'll openly accept my fate with you because this only means one thing. You are my destiny and our lives are still being woven together today. Today is part of our journey to forever.

                    But now, I have to savor the present, live in the moment, embrace today because now is the only time that I can dawdle about looming possibilities of romantic bliss with you. Today is mine to live and I will live it in love with you even if it's just an illusion because tomorrow is going to be different.