It's the last month of the first half of the year. I'm giving myself until this month to muse and mope about true love that I may have had savored at the start of the year. But then I had to walk away, move on and let go. May it be as brief as it was, I know it was real because I felt it within the depth of my core. It was pure seduction that it was so hard to let go. It's real and it will never be over but it's a choice I have to make. It felt so good that I would give anything to feel it again because of where I stand in my life right now.
I never felt so alone in my entire life.
Someone whom I knew from my youth confessed a true love that yearns for me, desires me and is always longing for my love. It's everything I could ask for from a lifetime partner. The bonus is that someone is from my youth that it feels so safe and familiar. We grew up together and shared the same experiences over the years. May it be awful or awesome experiences, we lived it and loved it because it made us who we are today. That's how I knew it was real. Someone who would go crazy over me and would do anything to be with me, to make me a wife, build a life with me and make me a lifetime partner is like the archetype of a soulmate. It's an illusion you used to endlessly seduce me and confuse me to achieve your gains. Personally, it's like I'm being offered a brand new home since subliminally, I already lost my home. It's everything that I have been waiting for in this phase of my life but there will be no fruition. I will have to keep that illusion afloat to maintain a life with you which will be ironic because I repel false realities. All my life I have kept it real even if I got a lot of hate from it. It's the last thing that I would need and at the end of the day, it's not a life that I want. It's not the life that I can imagine I will have.
A number of times, I had the urge to reach out and just allow myself to gallop in the inertia of romantic bliss, bask in your intoxicating passion which numbs me and renders me paralyzed of euphoric energy. It would be galvanizing to imagine the paradise that we could realize blissfully all the way but the reality of the matter is that deep down in my core, I know what I really want and I know what I need in this lifetime. I need a man and not a woman. It's something that I don't have to think twice about. I can't force something that is not me. Only a man can stimulate me basically, physically, mentally, spiritually, figuratively, practically and literally. I gave this supposed love life a chance. From the bottom of my heart, I attempted to live it and love it but it was awfully hard for me. I was deceiving myself all the way that I did everything possible to stay high while at it. I know that I won't be able to sustain it at this time. Maybe I can but I would know that deep within my core, something is not right. It's unnatural which absolutely will never be me.
It would be unfair to reach out to you and tell you how much I love you because I really do. I only want the best for you and I don't even need anything in return. I want you to be happy like you are a part of me that I've always had and will always want to have with me. It would be unfair to keep you with me because I know you're not the one who could really make me happy. Though I know that you want me to be your only happiness and I can just be, but it's not fair to me. You are one of my closest and oldest friend that you're like family. It felt so good to have you back as my companion. However, you opened the Pandora's box. We all know that once opened, we just have to keep the Pandora's box open because there's no turning back.
I only have until this month to savor the memories and the musings because when the second half of the year begins, my true love will flourish. True romance will be abundant. I have to give way and enough space to the life I have always imagined. The life that I have always wanted. The man for me and I am for him. Though you were able to blur that dream really well, I have faith and I'm still hoping to achieve this dream. There is a certain synchronicity that I find in our life experiences. My trauma have already blurred the life that I have been dreaming of then you came at a time where I need to realize my reality has already changed. You want to seal the deal but I'm still holding on to that dream.
Maybe when the time comes that I will finally decide to let go of my dream and you are still there waiting for me, trying to maintain that illusion you injected in our lives, then I'll openly accept my fate with you because this only means one thing. You are my destiny and our lives are still being woven together today. Today is part of our journey to forever.
But now, I have to savor the present, live in the moment, embrace today because now is the only time that I can dawdle about looming possibilities of romantic bliss with you. Today is mine to live and I will live it in love with you even if it's just an illusion because tomorrow is going to be different.
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