Finally, I've decided to write to you. So far, I've written 6 entries about you in my infamous blog. There are 3 entries in May and another 3 entries in June. I didn't plan any of those except maybe for May because it was your birthday month so I told myself I'm going to dedicate entries for you. Those entries were all spontaneous out of sheer whim. There were a lot of bursts of emotions triggered by your unstable behavior. There were countless feelings of longing for you or shall I say longing for the illusion you planted in my head. This is my coping mechanism. If you use people or a victim to divert your attention so you can feel better, I, on the other hand, just "write". It's safe. It's not messy. I'm not going to hurt any innocent person and disrupt their peace. It's not going to complicate my life nor any relationship I have with anyone but it still helps me stay sane and it keeps me balanced. Writing empowers me and it enables me to understand how I really feel and see things, people and the situation more clearly. It stabilizes me and it calms me down to a great degree. Now this will be my official message to you-our grand finale.
I know time will come when we'll get to this point where in we'll have to talk about us again. You will be able to read all the entries I've dedicated to you because I will print all of it and personally hand them to you. Time will come when you're going to spend some time here in my room again and make no mistake, I will play the recorded conversations we had back in 2015 so we can listen to it again together. I recorded two conversations after the tumultuous episode you created between us which is the catalyst of the transformation of our relationship over the years. The regretful night when you decided to have sex with me while I was blacked out and fucked up drunk and stoned then you made yourself and me believe I wanted it too when I don't even understand how two females can have sex. Now I know why we never listened to the audio I recorded 10 years ago (it's 9 years ago today but I'm thinking in the future coz I think we're going to listen to it next year when you're going to be reading this) when I was in New Jersey with you 4 months ago. Today, (when you're reading this which will be next year-2025) is the best time and place for us both to listen to those two audio recordings together. It's the perfect time, indeed, to look back and ruminate on what really happened to us from then to now. Can you imagine it's been a decade?
I'm not okay Gladys, or maybe I am because I did everything possible to be better and it took years! YEARS, Gladys, not days, not weeks, not months and not just a year nor two, nor three, nor four. It took a bad ass, long, painful, awfully dark, silent and hard time. Now, I think I'm happy and I'm better and stronger but I tremble. I will break if I will be forced to look at my family situation at face value. I won't be able to breathe. It feels like I'm already dead. I will never get over the fact that my very own father single handedly created hell in our very own home. He intricately propagated hatred, grudge and hostility between my siblings and me to a great degree over time. That's all of my three siblings against me. Do you know how twisted that is? I can't even talk about it with anyone because he is my goddamn father! He was my hero. I'm a daddy's girl and this is the price to pay to be the apple of his eye. It kills me to talk about it because they are my motherfucking family! It's the only way how I knew exactly what's going on with you and your ex wife when you reached out to me in October, last year. I'm a victim of a deep, malignant, classic, covert narcissist and both of them are my parents! You know how difficult it will be to make other people understand what I'm talking about. The only people who may be able to understand my situation are the ones with experience from narcissistic abuse and maybe close family and friends who know my family and I, from then to now.
What happened to me is hard to swallow. I was able to swallow it whole but it changed me. It changed my life. It changed who I am. I don't think I would ever consider getting a full arm tattoo if I didn't go thru all the bullshit. I'm now alone. I have no one with me. All my siblings abandoned me and just decided I don't exist anymore if I won't allow them to persecute me explicitly. Do you know how painful that is? I staggered to pull myself together over the years and the very people I expected to help me get back on my feet are the same people who want to desecrate me instead. It's the most painful of all the pains in this world that it left me stuck. I'm shaken and paralyzed out of disbelief. This is the reality of my life. At this point in time, I've realized that I've already accepted everything and that I've already moved on. I just don't have energy left anymore. What happened to me sucked the life out of me that I can't take anymore pains. I'm good. I no longer have energy for more pains. The love I knew growing up was a lie. My world has become very quiet and most of the time, lonely. But I'd rather have this life than another life where in I'd have to endure more pains from the unknown. At the very least the pains I endure today are from people I love so dearly and that doesn't take away the pain at all. It amplifies it. That's why I say all the time, it feels like I'm already dead. I have already outgrown being tired of taking all the pains that I just want to be quiet. Friends will always be there to make things better but things have changed with time and age. When your very own family abandons you, it will hurt every goddamn second! My only survival is staying high or taking advantage of my fucked up memory. I don't even think I forget anything anymore. It's just that I have to learn how to forget so I can survive and would still choose to go on with my life. This is how I understood why some people end their lives but I'm not suicidal. I'm in love with just life itself! The pleasure and pain is all worth living life to the fullest.
People tell me I should just leave home, find another place to stay and maybe live a better life. You know what Reena said? Migrating to U.S. to be with you is the easiest thing to do for me. It would look like I'm leaving the country to migrate to U.S. and not because of any family issues. But this is my home and they are my parents. I owe my life to them. I'm comfortable in my own home and I am grateful for the finer things I have. If my very own family, my own blood, my very own father would have the determination, intestinal fortitude and the backbone to drive all my siblings away from me to hate me and hurt me this way just for some silly neurotic, psychotic and narcissistic reasons, and my siblings didn't even dare to give a shit about me, not even one of them dared to ask what's the real deal with me and accepted just one truth that I should be rotting in hell right now, what more can a stranger do? And the most numbing and debilitating question I have which I no longer have energy to ask is, how horrible can I be that I deserve to be a pariah?
I'd rather have my family hurt me than any stranger or shall I say I'd rather have my family endure my horrifying existence than listen to another stranger tell me they can't handle me anymore. You, yourself told me that, remember? I heard you loud and clear three months ago, on April 17, 2024, one Wednesday after work. The fact is, my very own family walked away from me. There's no better validation of how horrible of a person I am. I don't need anyone else to realize my dirty secret for me and wait for them to walk away from me too just like how you did and all the other men who wanted me at first and then walked away from me too according to you. That's your belief of my experiences with my past suitors, right? It's your narrative, not mine. I told you I will remember every bit of emotion. Thank you for reminding me about how horrible I am like I'm not being reminded about it every day when my siblings are not talking to me while they come up with all their exclusive plans here and there, on a daily basis like I don't exist. Thank you for showing me your true colors amidst your 'ideal lover' role play.
I also vividly remember that I wasn't doing anything dubious to you then for me to deserve hearing those words from you. I was just trying to justify your rudeness to me then, for your sake, because you were stressing you love me but it's not what you want. You were overreacting and being hostile and too defensive like I'm the one forcing myself with you when you're the one calling and texting non stop. You can't even stand one day without reaching out to me like I'm your property. You were raising your voice and slatting out hurtful comments which pummelled me and I was just playing stupid to still find reasons to condone your behavior. Then you kept telling me how thankful and grateful you are to me? Your narcissism at it's finest.
Imagine how I have to manage taking all your bullshit while I'm shaking and trembling with my own personal, real life issues which are not delusional nor self-inflicted just like how yours are, by the way. Imagine how I've already accepted my family situation but I'm still enduring the whiplash. I'm practically paralyzed. You, on the other hand tried to romance, again, at the time of this writing, how many? I bet you're in love again or to everyone's terror, engaged! Jesus Christ, have mercy on your family who loves you deeply. They don't deserve what you're doing to them. On the other hand, it's not like I don't have options right? You were even one them. Pardon me. I was just thinking out loud. I don't mean to hit your ego nor to incite another argument with you. For the love of God, have mercy on me Gladys. I don't know how else shall I tell you for you to understand that I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE BULLSHIT. You can take all your defenses and arguments with you. I'm not interested. You're the perfect one and I'm the horrible one. The fact that I'm now all alone, enduring withdrawal of everyone closest to me is one strong testament that I'm a horrible person. No more arguments. I already lost. You already won. But please quit taking things personally because not everything is about you. For what it's worth, maybe you can consider how psychotic you can come across another person because you certainly did that gracefully with me repetitively. You kept telling yourself we're friends when, not even once, you remembered to ask me how I was doing taking blows from you day by day. It's always about you and your psychotic whims.
If I never went thru my shit, I can imagine I would've been married and I would've already started a family of my own years ago. That's the life that I've always imagined I would have. But that's not the case because our life doesn't always play out the way we want it to. This is one of the reasons why I appreciated it when you came back. I have a familiar buddy who knows who I am and wants to be with me. You came back a totally different person giving me all the love you have in you and even more. It's like you unmasked your deep desires over me and it freed you. For the first time in our relationship, I saw how real and happy you were considering you were going thru divorce and a nasty break up. It felt like you've already moved on and have forgotten that you're supposed to be grieving because the life that you have with me is what you've been waiting for your entire life. It made me feel alive again. It feels so good to feel loved because I was abandoned by people I love the most. I felt guilty for blocking you in my life because I'm still going thru the pains of abandonment aside from the fact that you made me feel responsible. Pulling you back up is just the right thing to do. It was more of a moral responsibility for me. Your love and companionship is just a plus and a breather. But it's definitely not for you to hurt me too. I don't even know why you want to hurt me. Are you enjoying it? I no longer have space for that. I always tell you but you don't listen. It's one of the reasons why I never get into a relationship. I can no longer handle getting hurt. My reception to hurtful life experiences have changed that's why I don't want to allow it in my life. I know that I won't be able to handle it anymore so I don't engage in anything that would stimulate any drama in my life. You love drama and hostility is just part of who you are. It's what makes you a female and a deep, malignant narcissist. That's why for me, females are for males and males are for females. It keeps the cosmos balanced. The cacophony you create for being a stone butch lesbian in your mid 40's but is symbolic of a needy, clingy virgin, damsel with long, curly hair and beautiful, mesmerizing eyes in her puberty stage who is crazy to fall madly and deeply in love would make anyone's ears bleed.
I felt so happy when you came back but you just made all my pains come back in waves with all the drama you bring with you. You can't even be my friend anymore. I never felt so alone in my entire life. It breaks me that I have to go thru new waves of pains with you when I've done nothing to keep my life peaceful no matter how lonely it has become. You keep telling me you're thankful and grateful to me for helping you rise and waking you up from your delusional misery but honestly, it doesn't feel that way at all! It even feels like there's some bottled up hatred in you towards me for showing me such hostility. Where is all that coming from? After all the emotional abuse I went thru with you, whenever you're trying to be nice, I know it's just a mask behind someone who's just waiting to unleash a rage that is quiet but is always ready to be triggered by your very own delusions of hostility. You should always be responsible for how you act but it's always somebody else's fault with you. Stop blaming me or other people for who you are.
If you still remember how I tendered to your wounds when you were broken and was a totally different person, I never gave you drama but pure kindness, love and compassion. It's something that I never got when I went thru the rabbit hole of unbearable aches and pains. Seeing you go thru it is heartbreaking so I wanted to resuscitate you. I believe that's exactly what I did. I don't know why you can't do the same for me. You even dared to paint me differently just to make sense of your toxic traits and malevolent mind. Why is it so hard for you to remove drama in your life? I have my own battles too but I never bothered you about it. All I'm asking from you is one thing. Peace and love. Those aren't two things because it goes together. You were able to give me that for a short while. It's the sweetest thing I got from you but why is it so hard for you to keep it? You were still married and your wife then hasn't signed your divorce papers yet when you kept telling me you want someone who loves you, you want to feel loved and you want to be in love. Wasn't that already your then, wife at that time? Haven't you had enough drama in your life? Do you know how sick you sound for having the nerve to tell me you want to be loved, feel loved and be in love that's why you think you're not the one for me when you're still in deep shit with your divorce and credit card debts with your current wife, then? You're the one forcing a relationship between us and not me. All I thought I was doing was being there for you as your friend because you needed help. You're the one who confessed your hidden desires and undying love for me but I never took advantage of you. Ruminating about all the instances when you creatively innovate an argument confirms 'gaslighting' is one of your innate qualities and natural habits. You think everything is about you and how you feel. It doesn't matter to you if your actions will destroy another as long as you're getting something from it. People around you react to how you behave towards them, then you make a fuss about their reaction and it's never your fault. You're like a sinless angel with a halo and an inflated sense of self. You're one classic, deep, malignant, covert narcissist just like my dad. That is just sad.
You can't tell me you got better. You can't tell me you are. You can't tell anyone that. Maybe you can but the fact that you have to be belligerent about it says how shaken you still are or maybe you're just being the old toxic you. So which is which? Either way needs repair right? I was hoping your experience taught you well but I guess old habits die hard. Healing and progress takes time. It took years with me. What makes you think it's any less with you? Quit with your delusions of grandiose! It just makes you worse than what you actually were. Be humble. Accept defeat. Lose your obsession of taking control. Study the art of stoicism and the dichotomy of control. Stop taking everything personally all the time that you have to take it against you then overreact when it's not necessary. You end up taking things out of context and the interaction with you becomes a series of evolving arguments. It's endless! Not everything is about you. Be truthful to yourself and to other people. You don't have to edit the truth all the time. Just keep it real! If you're not taking anything from anyone nor hurting anyone, I don' see any reason why you have to lie or even pretend or keep things. We're not young anymore. You have the freedom to enjoy life fluidly no matter what the cost. Accept all your flaws. We're all flawed. That's the essence of our humanity. You have the biggest ego and pride on earth and that quality of you just makes you weaker than you actually are. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but to yourself and you can't brag about yourself to anyone especially to me. Every time you brag about how magnificent you are to anyone, it just makes you a legitimate big black hole! It's the core of your narcissism. If anyone strokes your ego or patronizes you then it's either that person is stupid or that person thinks you're that stupid. Inner strength is cultivated and it takes a very long time. It doesn't happen right after divorce papers are signed.
I'm writing to you as a friend. I'm your friend who have known you for more than 18 years and would want to believe that you are a good person in spite of all the evil in you that you just love to coddle. I'm not your enemy. We're supposed to be on the same team. I've done nothing but to help you, make you feel loved, show you kindness and compassion in your dimmest days and be a friend to you despite the fact that you have a knack for poisoning our friendship and whatever relationship we can still have. I want to keep you in my life but you're driving me away with your habitual toxic traits so it would be impossible because you choose to be impossible. I won't be able to stand you anymore. You are a contemptible person for doing things that are, to me, unimaginable but then you still had the audacity to accuse me for wanting it because you don't want to be the only one who did. Once again it's not your fault and you think not owning up to what you did will free you of guilt. If that's not pure and deep evil then I don't know what is. Now look at where it got you.
To summarize our life, Gladys, it would only be realistically acceptable that you've done those nasty things because you really are in love with me. The peace and love you've given me while you were head over heels in love with me redeemed you. It actually felt real and is pretty much well aligned to how our relationship was ever since we first met. But then you decided it's just your usual love bombing because it's not what you want, right? Just like how you realized that you don't really want that dancer whom you came to Taiwan for. It's going to be a joke of our lifetime if everything you said and did to me was just temporary. And you still want us to be friends after all your infatuation, seduction, lust, love bombing, and manipulation? This is how impossible our relationship have become. It's like you've mastered the playbook on how to emotionally abuse a close friend or any random person you fancy. I can hear you want to argue about this again and would tell me, "You offered it. We both wanted it." You're right. It's supposed to be mission accomplished for the both of us, right? Maybe we both romanced an illusion you initiated but you being rude, mean and toxic about it was never part of the deal. You were a totally different person when I came up with the idea and my sole purpose was to revive you and for you to see yourself and your life outside the hell you created because you were too lost in it. But definitely not for you to just prey on me then emotionally abuse me after all. Give me a little bit of respect.
Remember when I told you, "Pag di mo na ko kailangan, itatapon mo nalang ako." This is exactly what I was talking about. You got better and you just decided you don't want to be in love with me like we're just role playing. Suddenly, I'm just your official shock absorber and you even had the audacity to tell me, "hindi na kita gagamitin." How fucked up is that? I can't tell if you're assuming it's okay with me for you to just use me or you're deliberately being rude to my face telling me you're just using me. Are you just triggering a reaction from me? How do you expect me to still treat you as my friend after doing that and saying that to my face? You said you can teach yourself anything you want as long as you want it right? You knew that it's all in your mind and yet, you navigated it the way you did. After everything I did for you, I'm not even asking you to return the favor but what's with your outright disrespect? What kind of relationship do you think we have? How you treated me which actually came out of your mouth is the direct metaphorical translation of throwing someone like garbage. It's practically and figuratively accurate. It feels accurate. My instincts are always right. I've predicted this will happen from the start and it happened exactly the way I predicted it. This could also be a projection of you trying to protect yourself. It's your defense mechanism for knowing in your heart I'm the one you want to be with after all. It was me. It is me and it will always be me. You think you're fucked because I don't feel the same way and you just want to fuck me over. #ego #pride #insecurity Up to the last minute, I'm still trying to justify your actions and finding reasons to condone your sick behavior.
Gladys, you single handedly invoked chaos between us the very moment you decided that your lust will slide gracefully with me and then make me believe I wanted the same thing. Now, I'm not even insisting that you have to be in love with me. But whether you like it or not, this is who we are now and I won't be able to accept you anymore if you'd still choose to pretend to be my friend. You already made the decision to throw our friendship away the very moment you crossed that boundary that made us friends. After 5 years, I chose forgiveness, love, peace and companionship with you but apparently, it will never be enough for you. It's like you felt entitled to own me that you were so comfortable hurting me and it hurt so damn bad. Remember when I told you I can't handle any more pains that's why I choose to be just quiet? The loneliness is killing me. But I'd rather be lonely than this. What did I ever do to you for you to treat me this way? Just stop the pretenses! You're clearly not a definition of a friend.
I'm not like you at all Gladys. I don't have the habit of teaching myself to love just anyone and then unlove the person anytime I feel like it. I don't get in a relationship or try to get in any relationship with several random people like how you do habitually. Your boss, a dancer, your straight old time friend, that aviation girl from California are just some. There's something pathologically wrong with you if you're still doing that in this day and age. I pick my battles and the people who I allow to stay in my life. That has been me from then but I've become even more limited and restricted now. I can no longer tolerate any sort of bullshit. I want to reserve my remaining energy for strictly peace and love. The fact that we went beyond friendship is no joke with me. It's something serious and I can't just erase that in an instant just like how you can. My only advantage here is that I'm heterosexual so I still feel safe with you even if I'm in love with you (or not). You will never be a threat to me just like how men are. The only risk I'm not willing to take with you is to become a victim of your deep, malignant, narcissistic, neurotic, psychotic and toxic character. I've been directly exposed to an environment whom deep, malignant, narcissistic, psychotic and toxic characters thrive my entire life so I just don't see any point, any reason, any rationale, nor any valid justification on why I would still have to go thru any more toxic episodes with anyone else when I'm still enduring the heavy blow whom two major, classic, malignant, overt and covert narcissists parented in my life. The only thing I want to have in my life in this day and age is PEACE and LOVE. Is that too much to ask? Why can't you just do the same? Why is it so hard to do for you? You just can't let go of your old habits, can you? Now, if you decide that everything was just lust and the usual drama you require to be part of your life on your end because that's just who you are, then tell me, how will I still be able to accept you in my life?
Well, there's good news for you. You have the freedom to do whatever you want and whatever makes you happy. If I would go scriptural, there are only 5 purposes for living our life:
1) Worship - to love Him
2) Discipleship - to be part of His family
3) Service - to become like Him
4) Mission - to serve Him
5) Fellowship - to tell others about Him
You should know this if you're really paying attention to the books you're reading or forcing yourself to read. It's from the book, Purpose Driven Life. However, we're not the religious ones right? In our language or in our earthly words, I can interpret it this way. We live to enjoy life and not to endure it. So learn to live happy and learn to come into terms with yourself so you won't have to find happiness somewhere else or from other people. Truthfully foster gratitude, not the superficial one like how you always tell me repetitively. The fact that you emotionally abused me and brought me mental turmoil in return is a red flag. It doesn't feel like you were thankful at all. In fact, there was a lot of grudge and resentment from you. Find happiness in yourself and your life will feel like a free flowing beer even if you're not smoking weed. Get my drift?
Signing off your drama,
Xyra
P.S.
Your drama is officially over for me. So please do me a favor and just keep your drama to yourself and to people who are okay with it because I will never be. I'm done with it. Enough is enough! You can interpret my letter any way you want. Staying out of my life or in it is a choice so better make one but always remember that your narcissism will never work with me because I learned from the original hardcore masters. I still fucking live with them! You will pale compared to them considering you're already the deep and worse kind. I don't allow toxic people in my life anymore because I have a lot of them already. Your drama is off limits.
I know you have a penchant for repeating things over and over again. So whenever you feel like it, feel free to read this as many times as you like in a day. I know it's a very long letter but hey, it's my version of bottled up emotions towards you transcribed into paper peacefully. It's only a short 25 minute read considering it encapsulated just a few of the erratic episodes you can be capable of from a looking glass of my life's battlefield. Mind you, it's already Part 2. Part 1 ended 6 years ago. Say hello (or good bye) to our second chance! Here's to hoping there's no Part 3. Enjoy your life. That's what I've been trying to do and I would greatly appreciate it if you let me enjoy mine too, peaceful and without your drama. Thanks for the love and have fun!
Lose the bullshit. I know how much you love it. Grow up!
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