This is when I started to understand how you said that you can no longer see me as just your friend and that you can't go back to the way we were.
"It feels so right to say the word I love you with you because I know I've always been in love with you and I always will. Hindi na magbabago yun."
These are all your words, not mine. You were still married when you confessed all your bottled in feelings towards me. It felt accurate to say the least because you've manifested it and I've felt it from you ever since we first met 18 years ago. It felt accurate every time you give me an attitude because you're not getting what you expected of me. It felt accurate when I woke up one day and something had already happened between us without my conscious knowledge. It felt accurate every time we fight whenever I tell you about guys hitting on me or that one guy courting me because you find him ugly. It felt accurate when I blocked you because you were insisting I really wanted to have sex with you and that I liked it but in reality, you took advantage of me when I was fucked up drunk and stoned. It felt unquestionably accurate when I learned that you got married. It felt unequivocally accurate when you finally confessed all your suppressed feelings towards me that I didn't have to pretend that I'm surprised.
I'll be completely honest and say that it feels so good to be loved the way you do. Imagine your world getting shattered just because I was no longer by your side. You empowered me. We reunited and I was able to pull you out from that hell you created when you lost me. You made me feel responsible. I wanted to appreciate you and the fact that we were able to salvage our friendship. You fell in too deep because you were at your weakest and you saw how I genuinely wanted to help you. In spite of my debilitating predicament, I would never want to take advantage of you. You saw how I trembled and I could barely breathe. I could've just latched on to you for my own survival but I allowed you to find yourself because it's the right thing to do. I want to see you beyond all your turmoil and toxic nature. I need you to come back to the real you.
Now that you're getting there, you have become really stressful to me. How I wish you were a completely different person who just appreciates the good things and would never find fault in others and blame others for things that are happening to your life. You tried to reverse how you really feel for me but your energy is screaming you're in survival mode. I can see right thru you and it feels like I can almost hear what you're saying in your head that I have to resist responding to it. It's hard to impede the clear vision you emit. Sometimes, I cringe when I see your face. I can't even tell if you're doing it on purpose to make it so evident to me or you're totally unaware. It's crystal clear like a text in bold and all caps.
God knows how mystified I am that I can see right thru you. There isn't even a question in my mind about what I see. You're like a program that feeds data in my psyche thus the accuracy is unparalleled. You're even waiting for confirmation if your processor would be acceptable to me or not because all you are waiting for is to get synched. Maybe that's why your energy is in survival mode every time we connect. The sight of me weakens you because all you want is to hold me back in your arms but you can't. You're not even allowed to admit anything anymore because your ego forced you to slat out hurtful words towards me so you can save your pride. Apparently, it means that much to you. Now you can't just take it back in an instant or you'll run the risk of being hilariously, pathetically and ridiculously pitiful!
You have to live in pretense around me. You can't be real but every moment weakens you. Thus, you energy is emanating in survival mode.
This has a negative impact on me though, that's why I'm writing this entry and making this my official action plan. I have to set my boundaries. I think I've done more than enough for you for me to deserve any more negativity from you. Enough is enough. I already blurred the lines once so I can help you breathe freely but not for you to blame me for the negative things that are happening to you. You keep telling me you're grateful and you're thankful for what I did but your actions speak louder than words. For the record, I never really felt that you were sincerely thankful and grateful to me. In fact, there's a certain cryptic energy you project that is screaming I owe you one. There is hostility in you towards me that I can't seem to figure out where it's coming from. Why are you so mad? What did I ever do to tick you off? What am I triggering you for? I can't seem to point my fingers at it but you have this certain vibe saying I owe you one. Your energy is screaming something else. You're not being real. No matter how hard you try to quell your emotions, I can feel your hostility in every single encounter we have after you decided to keep your distance so you won't be able to toxify me with all your drama. No matter how hard you try to hide and suppress it, you still eject it. I don't understand how and why you can still do that when I thought I only did what's best for you. So does that equate to you being thankful and grateful? Why are you all over the place whenever we reconnect? You send me messages then you delete them even though I've read all of them. You tell me you won't bother me anymore but you still call me again and again for no reason. You will call me and have friendly conversations with me and then will ask me if there's anything else that we need to talk about before we hang up. Then you have to make up silly justifications on why you have to call me because you feel the need to do so. How awkward is that? I don't even feel like I'm still talking to my friend. It's like your guards are up and you're always defensive for some cryptic reason. I bet you have no clue but these are your projections whenever we have moments together. Imagine, it's not even in person.
I can no longer take any more bullets for you. I've done it once and I thought it should be enough. What more do you want from me? This is when I draw the line. I can no longer continue having any conversation with you because every single one leads to negativity. Of all the people I still have a relationship with, you're the one and only person who still does that. I've already cut off all the negative people in my life. You're the only one remaining in it who is consistently negative. You try to be positive but it never lasts. So there's nothing left for me to do next but to cut you off as well. I know I already did that once and after 5 years, it only led to you, confessing your true love and desires towards me. That's the reason why I know I can't do it again. I regret the aftermath in your life after I completely removed you in mine. So I'm not going to do that this time around.
I'm going to keep you in my life but I'm going to mute you. It will deprive you of all the possible opportunities to still infect me of your toxic nature. There's nothing more we need to continue talking about, right? You're doing better. I'm living my life the same way. We're a thousand miles apart. So why do we still need to continue communication when I know you're only waiting for your moment to retaliate. I know in my heart I did nothing to hurt you. I only wanted to help you and get you back to your true self. I did exactly that even though while in the process, you didn't think twice to hurt me. In fact, it felt like you've been waiting for so long to hurt me because it hurt so bad. There's nothing more I can do for you. I can be a friend to you but you will never be a friend to me. You will always have a reason to argue with me. You will always have a reason to feel offended by me and to offend me. But I will never close my doors to you. I will just mute you.
When the time comes that you decide to admit defeat the second time around, when you finally decide to stop lying to yourself, stop living a lie and accept your truth, then I guess that's the time when we need to have that long awaited conversation. That's the time when the dancing stops while on mute because we need to turn on real music. Finally, we will reach the point where in we would need to make some real, drastic and final changes to our lives. I'll be expecting a grand proposal. Until then..
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