Finality and Conclusion

            I regret that we have reached an impasse.

            I stand by my word because I am what I am.

            I can't force something that is not me.

            I love you but you're not the one I need and want. 

            I'd give anything to have you back but I know I'm just going to force myself in the long run. There is an illusion I unconsciously create out of emptiness. I'm shaking and I'm barely breathing behind my iron mask while you passionately wrap your arms around me with all your heart and with all of you. You poured everything out with all the grit in you and filled my cup with every bit of you. It feels so good that I don't want you to let go.

                But it's not going to be fair to me.

            Love is a decision. I can decide to love you with all my heart and soul and make no mistake, I will make you the happiest person alive. Just a glimpse of our paradise drove you wild. Damn right, I'll give you your paradise. I can give it all and be with you til the end but I'm only going to hurt myself. It's not me. I will suffer. It's not what makes me happy. I can deal with that but it's not fair to me.

            We did the dry run. I tried to deceive myself the whole time and I did everything I can to stay high because it was awfully hard for me. I was faking to be accepting of everything because I was tendering to your wounds. Maybe I allowed it to push me to the edge so I can relieve myself of my debilitating predicament too. It's my version of that thing you call 'diversion'. It distracted me from my amplified pains. I guess my life experience have made me become totally fucked up. For the life of me, I always imagined my future to be with my husband and kids. I never imagined I'd consider settling down but not with a man. I never asked for this paralysis but it's what I'm dealing with. As a matter of fact, we won't be able to have what we have now if I didn't get fucked up this way. I know how God works mysteriously. He was able to show me how he made miracles in my life in a multitude of ways and innumerable times. In fact, it feels like He intricately weaved strips of both our times, life events and life experiences so He can intertwine both our lives fluidly and permanently. Just a decade ago I was certain I want to walk down the aisle and make my dad cry but how come it feels different now? It feels like I can almost cringe at the idea. Somehow, it feels like we're both at a point of no return. Maybe our traumas are teaching us to settle with companionship, embrace peace and make love as our only truth. 

        From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely wanted to help you. That was my sole purpose and I did exactly that. I'm happy to pull you out of the hell that you created. I can't bear seeing what you have become especially when I know that I'm the only one who can bring you back. Seeing you again with your world shattered into pieces just because I'm no longer by your side swept me off my feet. I won't be able to forgive myself if I allowed someone who loves me the way you do to be doomed just because I abandoned you. I was abandoned too and I know how it feels. No one deserves that kind of pain. Even if you did a number on me, you did not deserve that pain. Nobody does! It's absolutely one of your self-inflicted miseries simply because of your toxic nature and the kind of person you are but without a blink of an eye, I will take the bullet for you. I'll do anything to bring you back and I did. I don't need anything from you. All I need is to see you whole again. You will never be able to help me. No one can! You just made me realize what I want and don't want in my life and the person that I have become today. This is me now. This is who I am. 

        

              I may be fucked up like this but love is still in my heart. I still have hopes that I'll find the man for me and that man will find me. Maybe not today but it will happen when I'm ready.

            

            God knows how much it hurts me to let you go. I want to sway with the music with you but maybe because I'm just broken and alone today. When time heals all my pains and when I gather the strength to move forward, I'd be standing up straight and walk my path the same way again. I don't want to leave you behind. I'd rather have you walking with me as my confidant, my partner, my companion and my best friend. We'll be dancing in the waves til our truths align. Til then..