Schizophrenic

At the very least, the schizo is able to save me. The idea saved me.

Something I Had To Experience Alone

I decided to go on a retreat to give myself my own healing. I stayed in Assumption Sabbath Place Bagiuo City from March 20 to 22, 2012

I never travel alone. Whenever I travel, I'm always with friends, colleagues, family or acquaintance. It has to be always fun and adventurous but not this time. This is the very first time that I had to travel alone. It was very significant and memorable. I was alone and I took a bus. When we got to SCTEX, tears started rolling down my face non-stop! I have no idea why. Like what my neurologist said, the heart remembers what the mind forgets. My heart seems to remember every little detail of the accident that happened back in December of 2009. The whole event was completely wiped out of my memory. I acquired Retrograde Amnesia. I don't remember anything about this particular eventful life experience! But tears were non-stop! I suddenly felt very heavy for no reason at all. I don't know why I felt so heavy that I had to cry hard.



This is just some thoughts and prayers I put on paper. I just like writing them down and reading it afterwards.

Day 2 (March 21, 2012)


You are not a martyr to punish yourself. It's not even for the glory of God.

God is good for showing me things I need to see.

I need to love myself more. No more moping! No more wallowing in pain and misery!

I need to be open to people. I will be open to people.

Look forward. Move forward. If you look back, just smile.

After this retreat, I shall go back to Manila happier, lighter. I will accept this experience and learn from it.  Now I am wiser! I am stronger. I can be happier. I WILL MOVE ON!

I will be careful on how my thoughts shape my life. I am in control of my mind. I choose what I think. I choose to be free. I choose to leave everything behind. No more excess baggage. No more negative thoughts! It's not helping me. It's unhealthy. I will love myself more. I love myself and I need to show it. I will rise from all of this a better person. I accept everything. I see it. I learn from it. Thank you for this experience. Thank you life. Lord be with me. I AM MOVING ON!

I WILL KEEP ON MOVING ON!

God is good. Life is good.


Day 3 (March 22, 2012)


I will come out of this place a better person. I am stronger. I am wiser. I have a clean slate. My mind is blank. No more moping. No more thinking of irrational, unhealthy, worthless thoughts. God is giving me the power, the strenght, the grace to start anew. No prejudice. But a wiser woman. God is giving me the grace and the courage to move on happily. I am lighter. I feel lighter. I am free. I feel free.

Thank you Lord for guiding me all the way, for carrying me in times that I need you. I surrender to you my life. I surrender my moping and brooding and my wallowing in pain and misery. I thank you for granting me a happier and healthier spiritual life. I embrace this experience and hope that beautiful things will come my way at your will. Thank you Lord for the grace and beauty of life. Help me to see the beautiful things and accept this experience positively. Help me rise from this fall. Guide me all the way. Send me your Holy Spirit and bless my journey. I will keep on moving on! I have faith in you Lord. Your will be done.

Thank you.

This retreat totally set me free. It helped me accept the unacceptable and move on. God has his ways.

Bull's Eye!

Thanks to the lyrical poetry of Gotye

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over  
But had me believin' it was always something that I'd done  
But I don't wanna live that way  
Reading into every word you say  
You said that you could let it go  
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn't have to cut me off 
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger  
And that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low  
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number  
Guess that I don't need that though  
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

My Break Up Summary

A lot had happened over the past few months. I never knew that it had impacted me that much because now, people are saying I changed a lot. I loosened up. I opened up. Over the months I was in the dark. I was in the dark and I was kept there.

 "I'm not looking for anyone. I respect you. I respect our relationship. You're the one I want to be with."

This statement made me believe something at the very least. I was made to believe that we are doing something to make us better so we could be happier together. We needed some space. A breather. And after some time, it can work out better between us. I was in the dark for the past 5 months since one illuminating afternoon.

On February 21, 2012 around 4pm, the truth was unveiled. I unraveled something that gave a whole new meaning to the name "Ace Victoria". I was made to believe a big lie. The biggest frigging lie I can ever think of in my whole goddamn life. The truth didn't fill in holes at all. It totally changed everything in every twisted little detail. It's crazy! It was a lot to take in. Time is imperative for anyone to process and accept the whole fiasco!

I'm writing about it now because I want to put a validation to everything that transpired over the months. It's been 3 months and I want to keep you updated. Whenever I come back to this blog and read the entries before this, I read a state of mind that existed because it was made to believe something that isn't real. It may be real but it's plain sick and messed up now that I know the truth. There's a whole different story and it needs to be told.

I trusted someone that I was made to believe as the love of my life for the past 5 years. We had weddings plans and it was divulged to his family. I almost married the guy!

The love that brought me to where I am now and made me hope for something beautiful doesn't exist anymore. I wasn't even aware that I was made to hold on to the reality of the "past". A past that flowered genuine love that was unconditional. A past that can no longer be the present. Again, it was a goddamn lot to take in! Surprisingly, after a month, I swallowed everything whole and managed to move forward happy and free!

Somebody told me, I didn't do anything. He did that to himself. For someone who loved unconditionally and then ruin it unintentionally or deliberately after some time, is it a lot to take in? Ruining what once was a beautiful relationship is definitely something that one should learn to recover from. He would need someone to help him recover from this nasty reality he got himself into. Whoever that someone is, good riddance! And whatever happened to you Ace, I'm just glad it's no longer my burden to take.

You gave everything you got Ace. Passion, affection, love, devotion...

You changed yourself for me. You put me to the pedestal. You adored me from head to toe.

I guess, after some time that I haven't been doing the same thing, it began to matter. I still can't give in and...

it ruined you.

Maybe it's over but "over" is not a word that you know.

Hope you heal in time.

My Father's Instincts

One of the most intense moments in my life is seeing the only man who has loved me unconditionally confront the man whom I have loved the most and tell him it's just enough. It's enough!

That alone just ended everything.

Every time I think about that moment, tears just roll down my cheeks. He was full of emotions. I can see doubtless how he felt my pain no matter how hard I have tried to hide it. He just felt it all the way.

That moment is still so vivid and it's overwhelming. Being a man of principles, he considered something that is a question of morality because of me. All I think I did was to try to protect him from being devastated of the outcome of the choice he made.

I thought I was protecting something but in fact, it's provoking something.

That moment was a twist of fate. It was one of the ironies of life indeed.

I have kept the person whom I thought I'm going to be with for the rest of my life a secret. I kept it a secret for almost three years. Three years of subtlety and discreetness for a reason. To have to know that there is an awful side that I haven't seen is illuminating! God is good. Everything happens for a reason.

It was a twist of mind because it just set me free. It set me free from something I thought I don't want to lose. Some things are just not meant to be.

Now I'm free.

You Can't Move On If You're Still In The Dark

Every second I remind myself that I have to move on. I have to leave this place. This place that says 'you and I'. I have to accept the fact that it's over. There is no longer a 'you and me'. You are no longer happy with me. Everything has changed. It's no longer the two of us. You shall live your life. I shall live mine.

Every second I tell myself that. But no matter how hard I try to look away, I just know in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, it's not over. It's just not over. The love we had was real. It was so real! It just can't dissappear!

We seem so apart now but why do I still feel the fire burning. The heat of the memories are still burning.

That's just enough for me to believe that there is hope. There is hope for you and me after all. Everyday I tell myself to move on. It's just impossible if I know the future I will end up with is you.

So how do I move on if the future I know is you?

Pagudpud Trip

The 10-hour ride from the heart of Manila to the tip of Luzon left me pondering about the origin of its name and within that 10-hour period, I found myself equating the trip to: Pagud + Pudpud = Pagudpud? Needless to say, the long stretch of pristine crystal-like white sand and clear blue water which esteems the sun in the azures is enough temptation for anyone with the gusto. What they’re about to experience here in Pagudpud would really make them go gaga for more.


Our crew pitched a tent at Saud Beach and camped for the entire night. It’s a government-owned resort in the town of Saud which has just about enough charm to lure any jetsetter to take the place as their refuge. You will always find people in Saud Beach. Most are locals, and some are tourists who would normally teem around a tent, in a marshmallow bonfire, with a warm blanket or a cold beer in hand. If you’re looking for seclusion, you can always search for your own isolated haven. Bury yourself in solitude just by exploring the farthest depths of the place and unraveling the mystery of the uninhabited part of the Pagudpud beach.


Here are some famous tourist spots in Pagudpud that you shouldn’t miss to visit.


Patapat Viaduct

At the foot of the cliff of the North Cordillera Mountain Range is the 12-km winding bridge known as the Patapat Bridge, popularly known as the French Riviera of the North. This is said to be the third longest bridge in the Philippines. At the upper part of the cliff, one can still see the etched foot bridge that was the only link between Ilocos and Cagayan Valley in the 1960's.


Kabigan Falls

One of the favorite destinations in Pagudpud is Kabigan Falls. It’s a 120 feet high mountain with water flowing freely into Kabigan’s famous basin-like pool. There’s trekking for 20 minutes before you get to the spell binding view of the falls but it could take longer if you get distracted shooting photos of the awesome view on the way. It’s one of the most relaxing journey I’ve ever done where anyone would really commune with nature. Sources say that there are 9 more infamous falls above the tip of Kabigan Falls’ surface and it will take 2 days for one to reach the summit. Only a few of the locals were able to climb it.


Maira-Ira Beach

Also known as Blue Lagoon, Maira-ira is another one of Pagudpud’s special treat to sophisticated beach bums. They have one of the nicest beach in Pagudpud. It’s also a perfect training ground for amateur surfers with its occasional big waves but friendly ones. There are no available hotels in Blue Lagoon so tourists will have to find a place to stay at nearby beach resorts.


What I love about Pagudpud is that, it’s not too commercialized. No hassles of distracting vendors scattered around unlike those in other beaches. You can just stay off-guard all day, free from the maniacs and muggers. The only few things to worry about is how not to get sunburned or not to fall asleep when the sun sets. You just can’t miss to witness one of the most divine sceneries ever existed. I just loved the Pagudpud Sunset! The whole heavenly experience just makes that 10-hour drive all worth it!