2:14-2:20am (Trance at living room of 1018)
Sunday is Sabbath day and since I live in Manila but in the eastern time zone, my Sunday is trending to be Monday early morning. It always feels good to breath out my tears to Father God, my strength, my savior, my refuge. 3:21a
I stay at your feet Lord because I love you. You are my Lord and saviour. You're my only refuge and strength. How thankful I am for allowing me to cry my tears, breathe out my woes and ask for your merciful embrace. Please don't let me go Father. I miss them so much. You know how painful this is for me. I wouldn't be able to endure this without you Lord God.
Thank you Lord for giving me life and the will to fight with you on my side. Give me the strength and the peace I need to move forward. I won't be able to do anything without you.
A straight up answer.
This cognitive impairment I have right now is the GOLD of my VERY toxic environment at home being the one and only shock absorber of the TWO OF THE MOST TOXIC PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE I HAVE EVER KNOWN IN MY WHOLE EXISTENCE-My mom and dad.
I stay here because I have nowhere to go. This is my home and I will die here too.
I have like "term" memory. It's not short-term, not long-term. I'd call it, "one" term. I won't remember it at all. I might but hardly. Now that's the only logical reason why I am able to endure it. It still impacts me psychologically, I promise you that. But it works! This was how my catch phrase originated:
"You forget because you want to forget."
Footnote:
I remember you Dabu. You are like a spiritual entity I totally understand that's why I love you. I see love in you no matter how prick you sometimes can be. On my end, it's purely platonic but I don't know. There's a connection I have with you that is deeper than that. I find your talent sexy. I find intelligent people very sexy. I simply just don't feel anything sexual that's why I say it's platonic.
"You don't forget anything Xyra. You just don't want to remember." -Dabu
I have difficulty maintaining memories in the present. The only thing that keeps me stable is muscle memory.
7.14.22.Thursday
I can give you a product based from pure passion, positive energy and a built-in muscle memory which instantly removes all negativity in all aspects of your life starting from your very mind. On the intense side, baking has been my first love. I still remember the very first time I tried to experiment on flour. My very first baked product is pizza. I made the dough myself. I was in fourth grade. I was so hooked up with cooking shows. I want to have my own when I grow up I used to say. Still is true to this day. I always imagine my kitchen. Oh god! I always imagine the way I put everything up in my kitchen. The design, the furniture, the kitchen equipment, my fridge, mixer and my oven. I'm in heaven.
7.18.22.Monday5am
(7.14.22.Thursday [time not noted] is the very first time I realized my condition.) Imagine the very first time I experienced my condition was 12 years ago. I was in complete denial then. I can't imagine I can no longer function as efficiently as I was and that broke the shit out of me. I was really angry but I had no idea and it manifested in so many crazy ways. People I love the most, my family, they are most certain I am just making a pity out of myself. While there was a battle inside me trying to figure out how to manage my new self because I know from the bottom of my heart and in the depth of my physical core that I have become impaired indeed. The difficulty in all aspects are heightened because it is an impairment which is not physical. Not because I pity myself. It's because I know myself. I still got my grit but it's like I have a cane and it's only me who can see and accept the blow I take every second. Anyone who would see me stagger would throw slats of me being a brat. Not even an inch of compassion may be found. This is what LIFE is! This was illustrated explicitly in the holy bible. The betrayal of Judas. Judas is one of the 12 apostles. Judas is family. Only family can betray you. Your enemies will never betray you. You know they are enemies. The denial of Peter 3x. People chose Jesus to die rather then Barabas. These are things that are happening to me right now. He is leading the way. Thank you Lord. (Bear with my spiritual flow. It's worship Sunday. He's the reason I am able to endure love.)
7.24.22 Sunday9:25am
I've been crying for minutes now.
Yes Father I heard you loud and clear again.
"Our father in heaven your will be done" was explicitly heard in the background music.
Memoirs of Joseph conquering my family including my uncle and cousins.
M conquering my family and our colleagues.
That wasn't a joke. That was serious stuff right there.
You did all of that for me?
That's the most romantic thing a guy ever did to me. That turned me on. You hottie all of a sudden..
So, tell me again why were you acting like you really wanted to be my husband when you're not even free yet?
If in case you will be, it would feel like I'm married to Eminem because you're an Eminem.
Oh yes, we can take on the world together if you just make the right fucking choices and become my one and only Eminem.
Because you are my fucking Eminem!
A blissful experience of overwhelming peace and love which is beyond human understanding. All I know is that it's an extreme spiritual moment which makes me weep and hyperventilate with tears of joy running down my cheeks. It is beyond human understanding but I want to keep on coming back to the experience like it's where I belong.
To be honest, no words can articulate the existential phenomenon but my attempt of a comprehensive definition could be close.
It is when you finally understand the words: "I AM" and experience God's love that you just get all emotional about it and you experience joy and happiness like you never did before. Then all of a sudden, all your worries disappear. You receive wisdom that you are saved because God planned everything from beginning to end. It's like the only peace you ever needed because it's God's given peace.
"Just like religious beliefs in the crusades, your political beliefs are not facts. They are political beliefs. It can be political views, political ideologies but they are not facts. There can be facts about your political candidate but it’s not a fact that your political candidate is better than mine or that mine better than yours. Only Science and Math can make use of the term “fact”. Politics is not a science. It is highly subjective and subject to interpretation.”
-transcribed from a kakampink vlog-Charlote F.
The Philippine mainstream media has flamboyantly exposed the limits of their credibility by choosing a linear approach to broadcasting. A demolition machinery which sealed all the progressive movement of PRRD for the nation. The Philippine MSM showed its true colors by continuously highlighting all baseless assumptions and opinions of the opposition with foreign intervention which catapulted to the rise of credible resources from social media for the Filipino people and by the Filipino people.
Not everyone can see right thru the mainstream media bullshit when they have persistently chosen to become an echo chamber of the opposition which polarized the country to an extent which seem to be a goal that was set for a gain which was never for the country. The infamous 1986 Edsa revolution would never have had happened if we were not made fools by the mainstream media. Three and a half decades of darkness for the Philippines and the mainstream media is still focused to empower their demolition job because the administration is not their favored party. It's been more than 3 decades when Marcos was overthrown and exiled to oblivion and the Filipino people was made accustomed to eat "pagpag" as their daily staple while they lost respect for the government because we were made the uncivilized and uneducated minority who can render cheap to free services to foreigners in our country and foreign countries as well. Terrorists and rebel fronts are all inside the Philippine government. Three and a half decades until Duterte became president. I say it's not for the mainstream media to silence our praise and admiration for the real positive changes that PRRD administration gave the country. It's not the media who will decide. It's the Filipino people.
It's been more than three decades and we still don't know who really killed Ninoy Aquino when the media was present at the crime scene. There were videos and recorded interviews of Ninoy Aquino's final moments while he was still inside the plane until he walked outside and got shot. No media airtime whatsoever. Just a leverage to hate Marcos and a declaration of Ninoy Aquino being a hero.
As a regular Filipino citizen, I'm saying all this from a neutral standpoint. It's been more than 3 decades and the Yellow slogan of "Marcos Magnanakaw" and "Martial Law victims" are exactly the same. Nothing changed. It validates my instincts that this fight against the Marcos is not the fight of the Filipino people. It's someone else's personal grudge which resonated the whole country because their weaponry is the mainstream media and the Catholic church leaders. Three and a half decades later, Imelda Marcos is now the most beautiful 93 year old who witnessed his son redeeming his father. Now don't give me that "She's too old to serve prison." bullshit. If the mainstream media claims she was charged guilty of 100 counts of corruption, then why would it take more than 3 decades if the evidences are valid? Why didn't the mainstream media broadcast those almost 1000 cases that were filed against the Marcos in US which were all either dismissed and acquitted because none of the evidences presented were valid? That was a rhetorical question. The trial was made in the U.S.A. because Saint Cory Aquino ignored FEM's plea to allow him to return to his country of citizenship to undergo trial and/or for proper burial so you can't insult the US justice system by saying money can buy anything because that cliche is only applicable to the Philippines. Thanks to Saint Cory Aquino.
Oh now, you want to highlight all the thousands of deaths and tortured victims during the martial law? We were all fed the same bullshit because they were all written in academic books. I'm not even trying to change history. It's just that after three and a half decades, I'm not expecting the exact same news about them. No case was even filed against Marcos regarding the matter which is exactly the same tune of the mainstream media about all the thousands of extrajudicial killings of PRRD. There's even a big ICC scare which is legitimately lost in translation now that we have a new president elect. I stayed in school and graduated college so I am fully aware of the same redundant music played by yellows who seem to wrote the books about Marcos being the evil one. I say we must all have the right mind set and only consider the things that will be a catalyst of positive change, just how PRRD became a catalyst to bring Marcos back in Malacanang.
Anyone who has a heart for the nation will be able to spell it out. It doesn't only take high I.Q. to be able to decipher Philippine politics. It takes high emotional and social intelligence too so go figure.
