Believe it or not, I was never exposed to the so-called gay life. Yes, I've had gay friends but i never did hung out with them everyday. Yes, I've had intimate conversations with gay guys before but those are just conversations and there never was an established relationship. Yes, I enjoy being around them but I grew up in a world of straight girls and guys. My straight friends are dominant (or should i say were!).
Yes, I was brought up in an exclusive school for girls. There were lesbos everywhere. I was even posing as a lesbo but I never got in a relationship with any girl. Ok fine, that is not entirely true but it was an isolated case. And I'm being downright straight up with you when I say, I was a straight girl. And I still am..
Believe me when I tell you, I prefer guys with dicks!
Major exposure happened here in this gay fucked environment! Where I hang out with them day in and day out... or should i say night in and night out?? I eat with them, I drink with them, I sleep with them. (Yeah I know that's nasty but it's not what you think!). All different types of gay entities ever existed, name 'em, I got 'em! I really never expected life to be this way but what can I do, I entertained a fascination where
I would be completely transformed into one messed up individual! It totally altered my preference. It made my sexuality fluid. I discovered my fear for getting involved with straight guys. It made me numb of prospective relationships. I would choose to get involved with gay guys for the reason that they will not want to hook up with me. I denied myself to anyone who would want to love me. Why blame the gay guys? I don't know. I brought this upon myself right?! I don't even know where I'm driving at. I guess I just want everybody to know that I'm straight. I still believe that this is a phase. A chapter that I will go through and then forget about the whole thing the next day.
Nothing stays the same. People change. They come, they go. They discover things. They go insane. I think what I really wanna say is...
Well.. this is gon be cheesy but who cares?! no one will probably even read this right?
I wanna be loved the same way that I will love another. There is so much to give and I'm just not ready to give it yet. Being single is my personal choice and it's not because I'm a lesbo, you dummies! There are a lot of reasons that made me come up with this decision. It can be because I don't want to invest feelings with the wrong person or because there are significant people in my life who made me want to be single and led me to stay away from any commitment, aside from the fact that I myself is not ready to commit. These are some reasons.
I believe that there is someone out there that would be with me when everybody has turned away from me. I wouldn't give a fuck about sexuality as long as that someone believes I'm not what other people think I am. If that someone believes there is fragility behind this iron mask I wear and that I am still a good person when everybody thinks I'm not. If that person will put up with this bitch and will take on the whole fucked up world just to be with me.
Well, if there's somebody like that, I'd put up with any pain to be with that person. Why not?
September 12, 2006 3:30am
For everyone
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