Cognitive Dissonance

            

            Your intoxicating passion over me makes me weak to my bones. Your fervent desires are too infectious that it stupefies me. You can't help it and you hate it! You can't hold yourself back so you just indulge yourself of your dose of me. I can hear your energy and it's calling me. You told me you'll never message me nor call me again and you already sent your last message but you still do message me regularly. You even make calls like you're not ashamed to take your word back. I can feel your heat every single time. You're too weak! How can I make you weak? When did you become weak like that?! The irony here is that your weakness over me drives me crazy. Our synchronicity is on point. It's nerve racking that I imagine my life with you because you gave me the vision of us and it's all bliss. You know it's a life we both want! We can almost give anything to have it again. It was like orchestrated over time somewhere divine and we're meant to be together in the end. We both still yearn for it because we sickeningly want the same thing! I know it and you know it.

                

                I may still be within the realm of my self-contradicting paradigm but the paradoxical euphoria is addictive. You tell yourself you don't want me and I'm not the one you want but you're encapsulated by me that you take everything I say seriously. I'm astonished that you listen to everything I tell you. It doesn't even feel right to say that I'm surprised because it feels like I already know that you're going to listen to every single thing that I tell you and do exactly as I say. We don't even talk but you remember every little thing that I said like it's your lifeline. You know what you want and you're in it too deep but you try to teach yourself otherwise because you mind my principles even if it's not yours. What truly makes me happy matters to you even if it's killing you that it will never be you. Have you ever loved anyone like this? Your love galvanize my whole being you need not utter a word. Would you blame me if I'd crave for you? The only people in my life who taught me what love is abandoned me and made me live a life of recluse. I would give anything to get some real love! But I will never do anything to hurt you. The futility of your withdrawal afloat because all your gestures raise the white flag.  This is our love language. It wracks my brain that we don't even utter any words but we just get each other thru the core. I don't think it's going to end. This is definitely never going to end!

                

                 A few weeks ago you were all over me.  I'm happy that you fixed yourself up a little bit but you still got me under your skin. You're stuck and I'm stuck but we're both living our lives like what we had was all forgotten and obsolete just because we have to. It's funny how we both pretend to be moving on and that we can't go back. I may still be within the realms of my reality but it feels good to imagine the possibilities of paradise and bliss with you. Probably because I've been yearning for it for too long and you're the perfect one but not. And that actually makes you perfect! Come to think of it. It's better to imagine that you're everything that I prayed for.  Someone who loves me more than anything else that your world shatters if I'm not by your side. My posse. My comfort zone and a pain in the ass. I wasn't even aware that you're everything that I asked for. It's like the infinite intelligence has been concocting you to become the person that I have been exactly yearning for. So this is the reason why it took an awful long time. We're both doing the work so we don't ever have to work for it for the rest of our lives. You're my safe space and my safe place - my soulmate. My other half. I'd rather embrace this truth than to wait in abyss and dwell in nothingness. We create our life, remember?

                As long as we're both in denial, then it's never going to end.  We'll be dancing in the waves until our truths align and we both accept the same truth. When that happens, then I guess I'll be your shotgun rider til the day I die. You'll be holding my hand once again and I promise, I'll never pull away from you again. It's you and me til the end.

My Holy Week Reflection: Dad's Healing

I'm calling out to you Father. May you send your Holy Spirit so he would feel your love and your healing hands thru my letter. May you reveal to him his awakening that he will not look back but look forward to your peace and stay in your paradise.

Palm Sunday

March 24, 2024

Daddy,

            I don't know how to say this. I never do say it pero sa totoo lang mahal na mahal kita. Dad, you're already 70 years old. I'm turning 41 in 2 weeks. I really wanted to settle down with the man for me and have kids. That's how I thought out my life will be considering that among your 3 daughters, I'm the only one who is domesticated and can put up with household chores naturally.

            For the life of me, I never imagined that at this day and age, I'd still be single and childless at 41. I refuse to get in any relationship. I guess what happened to our family changed me. Because now, I see marriage and commitment as pain, suffering and misery. Who will be that man who will kill me inside out that I have to keep it in and implode?

            I'd rather bear the pains of staying at home with my parents and be the shock absorber of all sorts. At the very least, they are my parents. You raised me and my siblings single-handedly dad. I was witness to your chaotic marriage and toxic relationship for 40 years and counting. I guess I've had enough of it that I'd rather stay single. But I know how you love children. All four of us are closer to you than mom because you took the role of our father and mother all these years. I witnessed how frustrated you have become with mom all through out the years but you stayed because you committed to your responsibility as our father. You were our hero dad. We've always looked up to you and respected you as our father. A lot of things has changed now. You have become a totally different person today. I've always thought, if only I have kids then there will be the source of your joy and happiness then things could have worked out differently. Maybe you won't get too fixated with your frustrations, disappointments and misery. But your heart will be open to more positivity, love, compassion and divine intervention. I don't know how else to reach out to you dad that your heart will listen and your soul will calm down. I don't know how you can cling on to hate and anger so much that you push away everyone around you. 

            In this day and age, I've learned that in life, there are only 2 things: God or Satan, heaven or hell, love or hate. THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN DAD. We all have our own battles in life DAD. Mine is a warfare but I've learned to be strong and cling on to God in spite of all the misery I've had to just swallow in WHOLE. Thank you I guess. I was raised by TWO OF THE MOST TOXIC PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. I think you and mom raised me well. It just breaks my heart that you choose to ignore the blessings and the fruits you bore after all the years of your hardship. You should just be relaxing and taking your time to enjoy your retirement. Who knows how many years you have left? Should you be fostering PEACE and LOVE until it lasts? It's your legacy anyways.

Always here,

Yvelle

Gladys in a Nutshell

            I blocked you years ago because of what you did and how you denied your hidden desires towards me. May it be intentional or not, it still happened.  Alam mo that there was evil in you.  Inamin mo lahat sakin 5 years after it happened when we talked again.  Hindi ka lang umamin, minahal mo na talaga ako ng totoo Gladys.

            Pinlano mo ba lahat yan? Hindi naman diba?! Pero nangyari. Maganda yung nangyari. 

            I appreciated it coz you redeemed yourself to me and you came clean. I may have allowed you to use me so you can move on with your divorce pero malalim kase foundation natin. In fact, we've been doing the same thing ever since we became friends so it felt natural to me. Kahit isipin kong hindi totoo lahat yun sayo and you were never really in love with me, we both know the truth. You transformed into a completely different person that's why I was drawn to you.  We both cannot 'unsee' things between us Gladys. This is "us" now. To be honest, it felt like it's all you ever wanted and you've been waiting to hold me the way you did ever since we first met 18 years ago. It feels so good to be showered with your love because I was abandoned by the people I love the most. It feels like I'm already dead! But since I've known you for so long, I know there's a catch. I don't fall for that kind of trap. It just doesn't work with me. Sorry but not sorry, I guess.

            The scary thing here Gladys is that I know you wouldn't have gotten married if I didn't remove you in my life 6 years ago. I wouldn't have removed you in my life if only you would've been honest with me then. Things would've turned out differently. Everything happened for a reason. This was your life's breakthrough! We both have already established the facts, right?

          What made you did what you did? Why is it easier for you to conceal the truth than to just be completely honest and be real? Your greatest narcissistic qualities Tibs: ego, pride and insecurities. I gave you that book for a reason. This is not to persecute and condemn you. It's for you to better understand who you are and how you create your life and people around you. You just went through your nasty divorce and you're acting like you're in a frying pan just because you're single again. You would prefer to go through a roller coaster of emotions instead of just staying still, keeping your life simple, just be happy and appreciate life after you conquered the experience. Well, that's who you really are. You love drama and you can't seem to live your life without your dose of it. On a lighter side, I'm glad you're back. I can't bear the fact that someone who doesn't really mean anything to you made you forget who you really are. I knew that if I make you remember me, you'd come back to yourself in an instant. Plus you were really good at making me feel it was my fault. You love blaming me for things that you do to your life.

            But why do I feel you're doing exactly the same thing you did 6 years ago after I blocked you? You want to bury the truth and live another life of pretense! This time, you're trying to undo whatever is already done. You want to teach yourself to unlove me and do a rewind wishing all your feelings will disappear because I don't feel the same way.  Are your narcissistic qualities getting the best of you again? I would allow the silence to answer that for you. You're starting to come back to the real you so your silly insecurities are starting to take a hit on you and your self imposed possibilities are driving you crazy.

            Now, think! Calm the fuck down and think!

            It's only a matter of time Tibs. I dread the day that you'll regret your decisions today. I'm looking at a clear picture of you admitting defeat the second time around. It's been over the day you realized I'm the love of your life and I always will be. Your words not mine.

            What made you change your mind?

            Our agreement that I'll be your wife for 10 days just so you can wake up from your delusional misery is your only basis. It's completely flawed. You want us to be in love? Then that's another conversation. You have to make me fall in love with you Gladys. Not force me into a relationship with you when we're friends! I can't take anything seriously from you while I'm being a friend to you pulling you back up because you were drowning. I ought to help you breathe freely first. I did exactly that. You have to come back to the real YOU! 

            CTFD will ya!

            Can't you do it one step at a time? What's the rush? What are you scared of? I'm already here with you as you wish (or not, haha). We're back in business (or not, haha). I have my own battles too but your woes and wishes are the only things that matter.

            Now that you are getting there or already there, you just dropped me like a hot potato. 

           Happy now? Good for you but you can't even be my buddy anymore. You were the one who said I made you strong when you were at your weakest. I was there for you every step of the way to give you everything you needed to survive but you can't do the same for me. Not that I'm expecting you to. For the record, even as a friend, you failed to be there for me and you keep telling yourself we're friends! Cut the bullshit will ya!

            Here's the truth Gladys. Better listen well and listen good. I can always be a friend to you. I was, I am and I will always be. You can never be a friend to me because you will always want something more. You can pretend to be my friend but your narcissistic traits will want to hurt me because it's hurting you that I'm not yours to keep. That's the truth. That's the reason why for the longest time we've been together, the only time it felt really good to be with you was when you confessed that you were in love with me. You were being real and fluid. I loved that side of you and I think you did too. You will only be able to accept me fully if I'm your other half. You were the one who said it. We can't go back. This is our paradox of love and companionship. You can pretend to be my friend but your narcissistic qualities will always get the best of you. You will always want more of me. It will kill you that you can't so you'll just throw shit at my face to get even. That's your toxic nature. I will always be your friend but you will never be my friend. Not because you can't. It's simply because you don't want to.

Some Hetero Shit

Business: A quote from the Netflix series, The Gentlemen sounds like this. I just edited out a bit.

"I'm willing to put some skin in the game because shared responsibilities have their merits. And the benefits of continuity will be limitless"

VOW
We'll celebrate the idea of romance forever
Just by keeping it ideal.

I will romance my freedom til I get tired and end up in your arms.

With all love & respect,
We journey together to all the comfort & luxuries of life.

To success & happiness.
Peace & love.
And most importantly, to friendship.

We will become the paradox of love & companionship.

Prophetic Bliss

In life, in the aspect of love, romance, marriage, family, companionship and settling down, there are snippets of the future that discerned me. It's perplexingly strange that a prophecy has been persistent that it demands attention and scrutiny. It's like imprinted in my subconscious that the universe is certain to unfold at a time and place of it's own whim.

There were 5 bleak prophecies in the past and three of them already came to life.

First

Snippet #1:  "I'm employed in JPMC and I am looking at the monitor at my bay which seems like the NetQuad."

I saw this while I was with ANZ (November 2017 to May 2018). 

Reality: I was rehired in JPMC on February 14, 2022 and still currently and proudly employed with the company. I haven't experienced that particular image that I saw back then but what more would I ask for when I'm already back in the company. 

I feel the chills realizing this.

Second..

Snippet #2:  "I was fetching ice and designing the dessert table at Godo's Bakery in Houston."

I had a vision of this and it gave me chills. It felt like it was just a dream because it was 13 years ago from the time that this vision appeared to me (2018) when I last worked in Godo's. I'm no longer in the H.R.M business and I chose to stay in the BPO world. But lo and behold! 

Reality: In August 2018 to February 2019, I was back in Houston, Texas, USA and I worked in Godo's for 4 months.

I saw this while I was with ANZ (November 2017 to May 2018).  

I felt the chills when this came to life.

 Third.. 

Snippet #3: "Tito Willy is in the laundry area at the coffee bar while I was at the bathroom sink washing my face."

I saw this while he was in jail but it felt so real and significant that I remembered it vividly. We haven't seen nor heard anything from Tito Willy for years because he got incarcerated in 2008. Duduy is out of the scene but is relevant in what I saw. It's like I never really saw him anywhere that time but his presence is resonant. 

Reality: In January of 2022, Tito Willy knocked on our gate surprising us and telling us he's a free man. He's now in charge of Duduy's laundry business and Duduy has now migrated to the U.S working there as a nurse. 

Imagine feeling the chills and at the same time trying to wrap your head around how accurate everything is? 

I maybe enumerated in random order.

Fourth.. 

I just know there's one more before the final one but this one hasn't appeared to me yet. I have no idea how I know this is the way it is.

For the life of my whole existence, I totally have no idea where and how I got all these experiences and/or predictions? Conviction or assurance? Premonitions? Visions? Confirmation? You may call it ideas, illusions, delusions, prophecies, imaginations or whatever. I'll be calling it Prophetic Bliss moving forward. They exist and it's like written somewhere divine and absolute.

And finally..

Snippet #5:  There was a mention of marriage with an old male friend like we were in a relationship. The vision and the union felt rooted and deep seated. I get crazy ass terrified every single time I realize that a prophetic bliss comes to life. In the first instance I asked, why is this a scary feeling? I get waves of chills. Each chill more electrifying than the last like it's a manifestation of what is bound to happen. It racks my brain how I am able to narrate this experience spontaneously like I'm reading it off from a divine written record. I have no idea where I got all of this. But it didn't even take me any bit of time nor effort to come up with it. It just came up. It is what it is.

I'm bookmarking this. I want to be able to read this again and tell myself..

"Love is real and it's been with me all along waiting to unfold on its own accord."

(Published on February 22, 2024 Thursday 12:38pm)

..until the fourth came to life.

Two years ago, when we were in the morning shift, Viv & Miea were my teammates. 

Snippet #4: I had a vision of us correcting names in airline tickets or hotel reservation. We have a trip. I honestly am not sure if it was a dream or what. 

Reality: Last week, August 4, 2026, on a Tuesday, Miea realized Viv's name is incorrectly spelt on the hotel email reservation and airline booking ticket I booked for the three of us. We have a trip. We're going on a 3 days, 2 nights Boracay trip next month.  I sent a voice message on our group chat as soon as I realized, to ask them if they remember what I told them 2 yrs ago. I dreamt that we were doing this. This is it. I no longer felt the chills. What I got is an assurance that things are bound to happen as planned. 

Why?

Because I made a reservation at Fogo de Chao on August 1 for Venus, Benjo, Margue, Justin, David and I. I only asked Venus to bring me if in case she and Benjo decides to dine there because I've been wanting to try the place so bad. Venus naturally just invited Justin and Margue. David missed it because he's tending to his dad at the heart center. If you ask me to choose one word to describe that luncheon, I would say "straightforward." That's a full stop.

Now, we wait to see how reality unfolds.

Updated on August 10, 2026

Monday 6:56am

I have to honestly put it out there. I am putting this whole experience in writing as a testament of truth and to record how my reality unfolds. The snippets I enumerated here are mere visions I had of the future that discerned me and it's not in any way, shape or form wishes or aspirations I could have. True enough, some or all of us may have premonitions but the ones I wrote here are too unwaveringly strong, detailed and thorough that it demands respect and it deserves a space for this rightful entry.

Now call me crazy.

It's Christmas! So What?

December 25, Monday 11:54am

I got sick that's why I'm here in my room spending Christmas at home. I started to feel sick mid day Friday. I don't feel well.  I think I got the flu.  My head feels heavy and painful. I'm having sore throat and my nose is like an open faucet. It's La Union but I don't feel good. I'm having a hard time breathing even. Plus the fact that First Class bus leaves at 11pm. I should've bought it last time. I totally have no clue how things are going to play out then. I thought 11pm is too late! Check in is at 4pm.  Too many wasted time instead of bumming at the beach. Too bad I got sick. If I wasn't too sick after Friday shift, I would've packed and took the first bus to La Union. But I'm not in the perfect mood to keep my guards up because I'm going to take a regular bus. I'm not in a good condition to man up to public transportation.

On the other hand, they're having a staycation in a hotel in Alabang. No one talked to me about their plans. There is a family GC and I'm supposed to know all the plans? Well, I don't feel I am wanted to be around to begin with. In fact it's the exact opposite. I know because they are my family. So I just give them what they want for everyone's happiness.

How did I know their plan? Mum told me. It's crazy how life plays you. I still remember the times when I was really young and how I hated mum. She was a really bad mother. She hated me. I felt so awful because of how she treats everybody. She's the nastiest person I know. She was mean as hell! She's despicable and crazy! She hurts us and abuses us physically and verbally. I heard the nastiest things from my very own mother. That's one reason why and how I'm this way. I was trained and raised hard like in the movie Kill Bill. Well, at least I'd like to think of it that way.

But look at us now.  We are the only two people in this family who knows exactly what's going on. We talk like we're best friends. I don't know how to describe it but we're having so much understanding of the situation because of how close we are to dad. I'm a daddy's girl and she's his wife. Guess what we talk about all the time. I may have forgotten some of the horrific words she threw at me growing up in spite the fact that she made sure that we know it's her favorite hobby, but the impact of a mother's tongue is embedded into my core for as long as I live. That's how powerful a mother is to her child. I guess this made me really strong because for the life of me, I can not begin to imagine what will hurt more than that. Nothing! Nothing else seem to hurt me in my life anymore. All challenges that come to me, I'd just say, "I've had worst problems than this. This is too easy." 

I guess by now, she has seen how valuable I am to this family because I'm the only one who dared to take care and stay. I could say how valuable I am to her rather because she wouldn't even be able to make her other kids do things that I can do with just a flip of a finger.

Hey, I'm not here to brag. My only point is.. why all the hatin'?

Where is all that coming from?

How horrible can I be? 

I guess deep inside me, despite of my very high self-esteem, I would never really feel good about myself. I always feel horrible inside because my very own family hates me. Imagine how I have to come up with ways or reasons to leave and be away from home in a trip during holidays where in we usually spend time with family like Christmas, New Year, Holy Week, All Saint's Day, etci. just so I won't have to be with them for their sake. 

It's really hard but I learned to leave the table when respect is not served.

I don't hate them. I only have compassion for them. We were raised by two malignant narcissists. One sadistic and antagonistic which infected the other. We, the children of our parents are now full grown adults. But how the hell will the children be aware of their parents' narcissistic personality disorders if they don't live with them anymore? My brother still lives here but he has a separate door so he's not the one exposed. I am! 

This is how I understood how God is LOVE.

I Remove People In My Toxic Free Life

That's right!

Looks like we've reached the end folks.  You got the last of our last.  It's over and I'm good.

I also just learned that I have CPTSD.  I thought I just had PTSD and it's over.  It was a screaming CPTSD from the onset rather! And it's still happening..

Having terrible focus, attention and memory issues is just the tip of the iceberg.  I can't believe my neurologists didn't figure that out.  How the hell can I just learn that from fuckin' YouTube?

Anyways, going back to you folks. When I say it's over, it is over indeed!

You will always hear me say: "Sorry, I can't. Malabo na."

It's ganna be status quo for you but for me it's over. Suck it up folks!