You Will Never Be My Friend

Not anymore.

        

            I need you now. I badly need a friend right now. Someone who knows what's going on in my life whom I can talk to. Someone whom I can breathe out my pains and my hurts and validate it. I expected you to be here with me like how I was there with you as your friend when you were drowning. But I can't even reach out to you because things are now different with you. Things are always becoming complicated with you even if it's not. You have a penchant for making a mess about things which are not even supposed to be messy but with you, straightaway, it's a big issue. I was there for you when you were at your weakest so you told me I can count on you too but we both know that's just lip service.

            I can no longer rely on you to be just my friend. I can't count on you anymore. This is one clear proof that it's no longer possible. I know I can just call you to talk and you will make yourself available for me no matter what. But I know something isn't going to be right again. I can imagine, in the course of time, how you will undoubtably take all the possible chances to rub it in my face that I reached out to you this one time and blame me for things that are not even an issue but it suddenly is because that's just you. You refuted yourself when you said that you will never bother me again, that you've already sent your last message and that you'll never call me again to converse. You still do regularly message me and call me and in each instance you never failed to show me your awkward energy. I never taunted you about it because you were already awkward the whole time we were in contact so it will be redundant for me to still verbalize the obvious. I never rubbed it in your face but I know that you won't think twice to rub it in my face if in case I do reach out to you this one time because that's just who you are. Considering I don't even need to avoid you because I appreciate the fact that you're around. You're not a threat to me because I see you as my friend just like the old times. You're the one who needs regulation.

                You see, you left me this kind of memoir of you-the mean, rude, toxic and hostile one. It would've been better if you left me the suppressed, unparagoned and once in a lifetime facet of you that was full of love and admiration. I have never felt so alone in my entire life and remembering that person who was compassionate, empathetic and full of love, passion and desires over me would make my life bearable. No matter what you say, it's still who you are. You know it and I know it. But being the lean, mean, deep, malignant narcissist that you are, your imagined fears and insecurities got the best of you. It may be possible that one facet of your character, the righteous one, is remorseful of the fact that the ideal lover facet that you were romanticizing in front of me is just an illusion that your narcissistic habits were so used to pulling so I'd fall for you and you can escape the part where you have to be alone. You were seducing me by fabricating a fantasy, everything that I could ever want while I was drowning. Now, the real question is, what kind of a despicable person would do that?

              

                       We can never save our friendship because you're already at the point of no return. You know it and I know it. We can be married but we can never be just friends. I'm saying it casually because you are female like I am and you're my friend. It's the hetero in me and that's the truth. If I'm being delusional, then why can't you be a real good friend and hook me up with your cousin? We're both at right age to settle down, we want the same things in life, like to start a family and have kids, he's a man and I'm a woman. You know that our personalities will compliment each other, so why not? I thought you're my friend? We were never in a relationship in the first place. I was only being a friend to you that's why I offered to help. We're supposed to be friends, remember? Have you forgotten? I remember how you kept telling yourself we're friends but it doesn't really feel like it if this is the case.

                Now, I understand why you always become too emotional, too dramatic and hostile in all random scenarios. You already know it in your heart and it kills you to realize your truth but you just can't do anything about it because you're already there and it is what it is! While I, on the other hand was oblivious all along. I just get stressed out with you because to me, you are overacting, exaggerated or you're just being the same old toxic you. Now, I understand why. Pardon me for just realizing this now. By now, I know it's not going to be right for me to see right thru you and then tell you all about it because this is exactly what captivated you.  God knows I'm not doing it to ensnare you because I'm not like you. It's something that I happen to do naturally and it mystifies me as to how. Plus, I'm not desperate to be with someone to love me, to feel loved or to be in love. That's you! I'm pretty much comfortable being solo. I'm happy being single and I value my freedom like it's a blessing. I'm in control with my life but I'm not a control freak like you.

               You know I love you and I've already accepted who you are. You're already past condemnation with me. In fact, I'm open to be your shotgun rider til the day I die. Once I decide to be with you, it's going to be final and we're not going to be just friends anymore. There's no turning back. It's a choice of a lifetime. But right now, I'm not making that choice yet. I'm giving myself a chance to have the life that I've been dreaming of so when 'us' happens, I won't have any regrets and I will never look back.

Why am I saying this? Why am I romanticizing the illusion that you planted in my head?

                Because no matter what you say, I already lost you as my friend and this is the only way to have you back. Whether you like it or not, this is our reality now.  You can pretend to be my friend but you're so bad at it you can't even keep up. I guess we'll always find ways to keep our distance or should I say, I will always find ways to keep my distance because you can't seem to handle it if you don't hear anything from me for a long time. You think I don't know that? Based on your track record, your maximum is 12 days. Don't you think we're too old for this kind of bullshit? I don't know about you but it's sophomoric to me.

                This is one of those times when I feel so alone and hurt that I consider romancing the possibilities of a lifetime with you just to escape my pains. I'm sure you can relate because you used to have no idea how to handle being alone. I'm glad you're learning and getting better at it now. It's going to be frustrating but not surprising to find out you're using somebody again. With what I'm going thru, I could just latch on to you so my pains won't be amplified but I'm definitely not like you. Ruminating on it would convince me that there's something pathologically wrong with you.

                

                    The life you showed me that we can have was and still is very alluring and tempting. It's wickedly appalling to realize how you used every chance you got to seduce me from start to end. Your habitual manipulative character glaringly manifested and you showed me things I haven't seen in you before. I can tell you also realize that you haven't done that before with anyone else.          

                     Once again, you will never be my friend. Not anymore. I guess I just have to get used to being trivial and superficial with you moving forward. Unless you stop pretending and start to become real with me. It's all up to you. You're the one creating your life and the people around you. One thing for sure is that I can't stand you anymore. I can't stand you being mean to me. I can't stand your rudeness. I can't stand your hostility. We both know the reason why you behave that way with me and you will never become my friend again. 

                 I can imagine how you would want to argue about this again and insist that you really see me as your friend and there's nothing more. You weren't yourself but now you're starting to get back to yourself and things will be different. If that's your case and point, then you have just officially confirmed how despicable of a person you can become. You went to great lengths to make me fall for you. You were actually forcing a romantic relationship between us and that statement is not an exaggeration. This is the truth that I saw in you. I haven't even taken into account the truth behind the version that you were parading in front of me. What's your narrative about me with your family? With your friends? The great lengths that you have to go thru with yourself, with other people and with me to make me believe something which isn't supposed to be real is beyond acceptable. It's evil! That would just make you beyond a narcissist but a psychopath! Whether you are really, truly, deeply madly in love with me or not at all, either way makes you a contemptible person. If it's the former then you're a liar and a pretentious, hypocritical, fake friend. If it's the latter then you are psycho! So which route are you going for now?

                    I can no longer pretend that I don't see right thru you. The truth of the matter is, I naturally do. It's going to be really hard for me to not be real with you. I won't be able to stand your pretenses. Not anymore. So I guess this is really good bye my ex-friend. It's not the end but til I see you again.

While Your Energy Emanates Survival Mode, You'll Be ON MUTE

     

                   This is when I started to understand how you said that you can no longer see me as just your friend and that you can't go back to the way we were.

"It feels so right to say the word I love you with you because I know I've always been in love with you and I always will. Hindi na magbabago yun." 

            These are all your words. You were still married when you confessed all your bottled in feelings towards me. It felt accurate to say the least because you've manifested it and I've felt it from you ever since we first met 18 years ago. It felt accurate every time you give me an attitude because you're not getting what you expected of me. It felt accurate when I woke up one day and something had already happened between us without my conscious knowledge. It felt accurate every time we fight whenever I tell you about guys hitting on me or that one guy courting me because you find him ugly. It felt accurate when I blocked you because you were insisting I really wanted to have sex with you and that I liked it but in reality, you took advantage of me when I was fucked up drunk and stoned. It felt unquestionably accurate when I learned that you got married. It felt unequivocally accurate when you finally confessed all your suppressed feelings towards me that I didn't have to pretend that I'm surprised.

            I'll be completely honest and say that it feels so good to be loved the way you do. Imagine your world getting shattered just because I was no longer by your side. You empowered me. We reunited and I was able to pull you out from that hell you created when you lost me. You made me feel responsible. I wanted to appreciate you and the fact that we were able to salvage our friendship. You fell in too deep because you were at your weakest and you saw how I genuinely wanted to help you. In spite of my debilitating predicament, I would never want to take advantage of you. You saw how I trembled and I could barely breathe. I could've just latched on to you for my own survival but I  allowed you to find yourself because it's the right thing to do. I want to see you beyond all your turmoil and toxic nature. I need you to come back to the real you.

            Now that you're getting there, you have become really stressful to me. How I wish you were a completely different person who just appreciates the good things and would never find fault in others and blame others for things that are happening to your life. You tried to reverse how you really feel for me but your energy is screaming you're in survival mode. I can see right thru you and it feels like I can almost hear what you're saying in your head that I have to resist responding to it. It's hard to impede the clear vision you emit. Sometimes, I cringe when I see your face. I can't even tell if you're doing it on purpose to make it so evident to me or you're totally unaware. It's crystal clear like a text in bold and all caps.

           

            God knows how mystified I am that I can see right thru you. There isn't even a question in my mind about what I see. You're like a program that feeds data in my psyche thus the accuracy is unparalleled.  You're even waiting for confirmation if your processor would be acceptable to me or not because all you are waiting for is to get synched. Maybe that's why your energy is in survival mode every time we connect. The sight of me weakens you because all you want is to hold me back in your arms but you can't. You're not even allowed to admit anything anymore because your ego forced you to slat out hurtful words towards me so you can save your pride. Apparently, it means that much to you. Now you can't just take it back in an instant or you'll run the risk of being hilariously, pathetically and ridiculously pitiful!

        

            You have to live in pretense around me. You can't be real but every moment weakens you. Thus, you energy is emanating in survival mode.

              

              This has a negative impact on me though, that's why I'm writing this entry and making this my official action plan. I have to set my boundaries. I think I've done more than enough for you for me to deserve any more negativity from you. Enough is enough. I already blurred the lines once so I can help you breathe freely but not for you to blame me for the negative things that are happening to you. You keep telling me you're grateful and you're thankful for what I did but your actions speak louder than words. For the record, I never really felt that you were sincerely thankful and grateful to me. In fact, there's a certain cryptic energy you project that is screaming I owe you one. There is hostility in you towards me that I can't seem to figure out where it's coming from. Why are you so mad? What did I ever do to tick you off? What am I triggering you for? I can't seem to point my fingers at it but you have this certain vibe saying I owe you one.  Your energy is screaming something else. You're not being real. No matter how hard you try to quell your emotions, I can feel your hostility in every single encounter we have after you decided to keep your distance so you won't be able to toxify me with all your drama. No matter how hard you try to hide and suppress it, you still eject it. I don't understand how and why you can still do that when I thought I only did what's best for you. So does that equate to you being thankful and grateful? Why are you all over the place whenever we reconnect? You send me messages then you delete them even though I've read all of them. You tell me you won't bother me anymore but you still call me again and again for no reason. You will call me and have friendly conversations with me and then will ask me if there's anything else that we need to talk about before we hang up. Then you have to make up silly justifications on why you have to call me because you feel the need to do so. How awkward is that? I don't even feel like I'm still talking to my friend. It's like your guards are up and you're always defensive for some cryptic reason. I bet you have no clue but these are your projections whenever we have moments together. Imagine, it's not even in person.

                

                I can no longer take any more bullets for you. I've done it once and I thought it should be enough. What more do you want from me? This is when I draw the line. I can no longer continue having any conversation with you because every single one leads to negativity. Of all the people I still have a relationship with, you're the one and only person who still does that. I've already cut off all the negative people in my life. You're the only one remaining in it who is consistently negative. You try to be positive but it never lasts. So there's nothing left for me to do next but to cut you off as well. I know I already did that once and after 5 years, it only led to you, confessing your true love and desires towards me. That's the reason why I know I can't do it again. I regret the aftermath in your life after I completely removed you in mine. So I'm not going to do that this time around. 

        

                I'm going to keep you in my life but I'm going to mute you. It will deprive you of all the possible opportunities to still infect me of your toxic nature. There's nothing more we need to continue talking about, right? You're doing better. I'm living my life the same way. We're a thousand miles apart. So why do we still need to continue communication when I know you're only waiting for your moment to retaliate. I know in my heart I did nothing to hurt you. I only wanted to help you and get you back to your true self. I did exactly that even though while in the process, you didn't think twice to hurt me. In fact, it felt like you've been waiting for so long to hurt me because it hurt so bad. There's nothing more I can do for you. I can be a friend to you but you will never be a friend to me. You will always have a reason to argue with me. You will always have a reason to feel offended by me and to offend me. But I will never close my doors to you. I will just mute you. 

               When the time comes that you decide to admit defeat the second time around, when you finally decide to stop lying to yourself, stop living a lie and accept your truth, then I guess that's the time when we need to have that long awaited conversation. That's the time when the dancing stops while on mute because we need to turn on real music. Finally, we will reach the point where in we would need to make some real, drastic and final changes to our lives. I'll be expecting a grand proposal. Until then..

June: A Deadline To My Musings

                It's the last month of the first half of the year. I'm giving myself until this month to muse and mope about true love that I may have had savored at the start of the year. But then I had to walk away, move on and let go. May it be as brief as it was, I know it was real because I felt it within the depth of my core. It was pure seduction that it was so hard to let go. It's real and it will never be over but it's a choice I have to make. It felt so good that I would give anything to feel it again because of where I stand in my life right now. 

                I never felt so alone in my entire life. 

                Someone whom I knew from my youth confessed a true love that yearns for me, desires me and is always longing for my love. It's everything I could ask for from a lifetime partner. The bonus is that someone is from my youth that it feels so safe and familiar. We grew up together and shared the same experiences over the years. May it be awful or awesome experiences, we lived it and loved it because it made us who we are today. That's how I knew it was real. Someone who would go crazy over me and would do anything to be with me, to make me a wife, build a life with me and make me a lifetime partner is like the archetype of a soulmate. It's an illusion you used to endlessly seduce me and confuse me to achieve your gains. Personally, it's like I'm being offered a brand new home since subliminally, I already lost my home. It's everything that I have been waiting for in this phase of my life but there will be no fruition. I will have to keep that illusion afloat to maintain a life with you which will be ironic because I repel false realities. All my life I have kept it real even if I got a lot of hate from it. It's the last thing that I would need and at the end of the day, it's not a life that I want. It's not the life that I can imagine I will have. 

                   A number of times, I had the urge to reach out and just allow myself to gallop in the inertia of romantic bliss, bask in your intoxicating passion which numbs me and renders me paralyzed of euphoric energy. It would be galvanizing to imagine the paradise that we could realize blissfully all the way but the reality of the matter is that deep down in my core, I know what I really want and I know what I need in this lifetime. I need a man and not a woman. It's something that I don't have to think twice about. I can't force something that is not me. Only a man can stimulate me basically, physically, mentally, spiritually, figuratively, practically and literally. I gave this supposed love life a chance. From the bottom of my heart, I attempted to live it and love it but it was awfully hard for me. I was deceiving myself all the way that I did everything possible to stay high while at it. I know that I won't be able to sustain it at this time. Maybe I can but I would know that deep within my core, something is not right. It's unnatural which absolutely will never be me.

                It would be unfair to reach out to you and tell you how much I love you because I really do. I only want the best for you and I don't even need anything in return. I want you to be happy like you are a part of me that I've always had and will always want to have with me. It would be unfair to keep you with me because I know you're not the one who could really make me happy. Though I know that you want me to be your only happiness and I can just be, but it's not fair to me. You are one of my closest and oldest friend that you're like family. It felt so good to have you back as my companion. However, you opened the Pandora's box. We all know that once opened, we just have to keep the Pandora's box open because there's no turning back.

                        

                    I only have until this month to savor the memories and the musings because when the second half of the year begins, my true love will flourish. True romance will be abundant. I have to give way and enough space to the life I have always imagined.  The life that I have always wanted. The man for me and I am for him. Though you were able to blur that dream really well, I have faith and I'm still hoping to achieve this dream. There is a certain synchronicity that I find in our life experiences. My trauma have already blurred the life that I have been dreaming of then you came at a time where I need to realize my reality has already changed. You want to seal the deal but I'm still holding on to that dream.

                Maybe when the time comes that I will finally decide to let go of my dream and you are still there waiting for me, trying to maintain that illusion you injected in our lives, then I'll openly accept my fate with you because this only means one thing. You are my destiny and our lives are still being woven together today. Today is part of our journey to forever.

                    But now, I have to savor the present, live in the moment, embrace today because now is the only time that I can dawdle about looming possibilities of romantic bliss with you. Today is mine to live and I will live it in love with you even if it's just an illusion because tomorrow is going to be different.

Finality and Conclusion

            I regret that we have reached an impasse.

            I stand by my word because I am what I am.

            I can't force something that is not me.

            I love you but you're not the one I need and want. 

            I'd give anything to have you back but I know I'm just going to force myself in the long run. There is an illusion I unconsciously create out of emptiness. I'm shaking and I'm barely breathing behind my iron mask while you passionately wrap your arms around me with all your heart and with all of you. You poured everything out with all the grit in you and filled my cup with every bit of you. It feels so good that I don't want you to let go.

                But it's not going to be fair to me.

            Love is a decision. I can decide to love you with all my heart and soul and make no mistake, I will make you the happiest person alive. Just a glimpse of our paradise drove you wild. Damn right, I'll give you your paradise. I can give it all and be with you til the end but I'm only going to hurt myself. It's not me. I will suffer. It's not what makes me happy. I can deal with that but it's not fair to me.

            We did the dry run. I tried to deceive myself the whole time and I did everything I can to stay high because it was awfully hard for me. I was faking to be accepting of everything because I was tendering to your wounds. Maybe I allowed it to push me to the edge so I can relieve myself of my debilitating predicament too. It's my version of that thing you call 'diversion'. It distracted me from my amplified pains. I guess my life experience have made me become totally fucked up. For the life of me, I always imagined my future to be with my husband and kids. I never imagined I'd consider settling down but not with a man. I never asked for this paralysis but it's what I'm dealing with. As a matter of fact, we won't be able to have what we have now if I didn't get fucked up this way. I know how God works mysteriously. He was able to show me how he made miracles in my life in a multitude of ways and innumerable times. In fact, it feels like He intricately weaved strips of both our times, life events and life experiences so He can intertwine both our lives fluidly and permanently. Just a decade ago I was certain I want to walk down the aisle and make my dad cry but how come it feels different now? It feels like I can almost cringe at the idea. Somehow, it feels like we're both at a point of no return. Maybe our traumas are teaching us to settle with companionship, embrace peace and make love as our only truth. 

        From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely wanted to help you. That was my sole purpose and I did exactly that. I'm happy to pull you out of the hell that you created. I can't bear seeing what you have become especially when I know that I'm the only one who can bring you back. Seeing you again with your world shattered into pieces just because I'm no longer by your side swept me off my feet. I won't be able to forgive myself if I allowed someone who loves me the way you do to be doomed just because I abandoned you. I was abandoned too and I know how it feels. No one deserves that kind of pain. Even if you did a number on me, you did not deserve that pain. Nobody does! It's absolutely one of your self-inflicted miseries simply because of your toxic nature and the kind of person you are but without a blink of an eye, I will take the bullet for you. I'll do anything to bring you back and I did. I don't need anything from you. All I need is to see you whole again. You will never be able to help me. No one can! You just made me realize what I want and don't want in my life and the person that I have become today. This is me now. This is who I am. 

        

              I may be fucked up like this but love is still in my heart. I still have hopes that I'll find the man for me and that man will find me. Maybe not today but it will happen when I'm ready.

            

            God knows how much it hurts me to let you go. I want to sway with the music with you but maybe because I'm just broken and alone today. When time heals all my pains and when I gather the strength to move forward, I'd be standing up straight and walk my path the same way again. I don't want to leave you behind. I'd rather have you walking with me as my confidant, my partner, my companion and my best friend. We'll be dancing in the waves til our truths align. Til then..

FORTY DAYS 2024

DAY 1: April 18, Thursday 8:45am - 9:03am (worship 18 min) -11am (2hrs & 15 min)

DAY 2: April 19, Friday 10:29am - 11:16am (47 min)

DAY 3: April 20, Saturday 1:07pm-1:53pm (46 min)

DAY 4: April 21, Sunday 11:07am-11:30am (23 min prayers & idle) -11:49am (19 min) = 42min

DAY 5: April 22, Monday 12:37am-12:52a (15 min)

Lord God, I offer all my musings to You Father. Heal my confused mind. Heal my bleeding heart. I surrender all my chaos to You God Father. Stay with me Father. Your PEACE is all I ask. "My bleeding heart" no longer feels right. Your healing brought me peace. My will to be at your will healed me. I'm no longer bleeding. I'm just waiting for my eternal paradise to unfold.  1:53am (1 hr and 16min)\

DAY 6: April 24, Wednesday 5:56a-6:02a (6 min) -6:20am (18min) = 24min

DAY 7: 6:20AM-6:44a (24min)

"God will give you what you need if you will just make the choice to live for him."

Right now, God is inviting you to live for his glory by fulfilling the purposes he made you for. It's really the only way to live. Everything else is just existing. Real life begins by committing yourself completely to Jesus Christ.

DAY 8: April 25, Thursday 6:10am-6:22am (12min) - 6:37am (27 min)

DAY 9: April 27, Saturday 7:24am-8:34am (1hr)

LORD I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING! I NEED SOMEONE TO BE WITH. MY COMPANION. MY HUSBAND. MY LIFE PARTNER. MY OTHER HALF. LORD I HAVE FAITH IN YOUR PLANS. 

God's Direct ANSWERS:

"Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what is best for your life. You expect Him to keep His promises, help you with problems and do the impossible when necessary."

DAY10:  April 28, Sunday 8:42am-9:25am (33min)

The HEART of WORSHIP is SURRENDER

Victory comes through surrender. Surrender doesn't weaken you; it strengthens you. Surrendered to God, you don't have to fear or surrender to anything else.

Surrendering your life is not a foolish emotional impulse but a rational, intelligent act, the most responsible and sensible thing you can do with your life.                     

                                                                                                     (59 min)

DAY 11: April 28, Sunday 9:48pm-10:47pm (2hrs and 34min) -12:22am (1hr & 35min)

Teach me to abide in you. To hear your voice all around me.

DAY 12: April 29, Monday 5:44am-6:18am (34min) 7:15am (57min) = 1hr & 31min

Here's my life Lord. Speak what is true. Thank you for giving me this clarity. I'm alone again. Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to you. I will wait on you. You will fight my battles. All I need is to stay still.

Tell God exactly how you feel:

Lord God, I feel very frustrated, lonely & almost desperate. I've been waiting for a very long time and I've been asking for the same thing from you since time immemorial. I'm still alone watching everyone around me get into serious relationships, nurture it for years, settle down, get married, build a family, start new chapters of their lives. While I stay grounded, in a very slow pace, stuck just watching everyone. It's very frustrating Lord. 

49min 

IDLE (1 hr & 11min)

DAY 13: April 30, Tuesday 6:29am-7:19am (49min) -8:29am (2hrs)

DAY 14: May 1, Wed 6:12am - 7:09am (57min)

Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to You.

DAY 15: May 2, Thurs 6:13am - 6:50am (37min) - 7:35am (48min) = 1 hr & 22min

DAY 16: May 3, Fri 8:19am - ? - 9:44am-9:48am =1 hr & 25min

DAY 17: May 4, Sat 6:26pm-7:19pm (1hr & 25min) - 8:11pm (meditation)

3hr & 45min 10:11pm-11:14pm (20min) focused 52 min

DAY 18: May 5, Sun 5:40a-6:16a (36min) - 6:58am (42min) = 1 hr 18 min

DAY 19: May 6, Mon 5:55am-6:21am (26min) - 7:21am (1hr & 26min)

I will build my life upon your love. It is a firm foundation. I will put my trust in you alone & I will not be shaken.

DAY 20: May 7, Tues 6:07am-6:31am (24min) - 7:28am (57min)

Relationships are always worth restoring because life is all about learning how to love. God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt or a conflict. (1hr & 13 min)

DAY 21: May 8, Wed 6:17a-6:49a (32min) - 7:30am (1hr & 13min)

Personal Assessment 10 DAYS

Is something still standing your way? If so, what will you do differently to overcome it?

She's bothering me. What happened to us is always on my mind. I know it's killing her to her core. She reached out to me Monday morning. She can't help it. I know. Because it's bothering me as well. Moving forward I will remove any attachment I have with her. It's over! Until she admits defeat ->That she's still head over heels 'still' in love with me. Til then, I'd talk to her again. 

In retrospect, she doesn't really need to admit anything I guess. Her actions speak louder than I ever expected. All her gestures raise the white flag. She's already there, still there, and at a point of no return. She can't go back. We both can't go back. We can pretend to just be indifferent to keep things stable and status quo but her energy will speak for herself and I will still be able to hear it loud and clear.

And here goes my cognitive dissonance..

Dear God,

Please give me a vision of what my life will be like as I become what you have planned for me. 

WRITE IT DOWN BELOW AS SOON AS REVEALED.

DAY 22: May 9, Thur 6:09a - 6:46a (37min) -7:19a (36min) = 1hr & 13 min

I don't deserve your love Father but you love me all the way. Thank you for filling me with your love. I feel complete already. Lead me to your plans for me Lord. Prepare me to be ready for my other half's ever lasting love. My forever. Equip me to be ready for the next chapter of my life.

* I must make a counter culture decision to focus on becoming more like Jesus. Otherwise, other forces like peers, parents, coworkers & culture will try to mold you into their image.

DAY 23: May 10, Fri 6:32a-7am (28min) - 7:22am (50min)

Lord God Father, give me grace and the will and the strength to settle down with a man you picked for me. I pray that you give me the passion tantamount to his that we unite in Your name. It will be fluid that we get the message that it's Your will.

DAY 24: May 11, Sat 7:31am - 8am (29min) - 8:34am (34min) = 1hr & 3min

DAY 25: May 12, Sun 5:55am-6:28am (33min)

It is vital that you stay focused on God's plan, not your pain or problem.

"If we share his glory, we must also share his suffering. What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later."

Rejoice in the Lord always.

Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to You.

DAY 26: May 13, Mon 5:34am-6:20am (46min) -6:58 (38min) = 1hr & 24min

I'm feeling empty since earlier. Depression is creeping in I guess. There's just no one to talk to or connect with. It's like dopamine is no where to be found. I've no energy to make myself excited or crave for anything. Like what for? Food will make me fat & will ruin my flow. I'm not even hungry. What just happened? I thought I got everything handled the right way. It's been a while since I last felt this.

Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to You.

Holy Spirit please come to me! LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS & SELF-CONTROL

DAY 27: May 14, Tues 6:15a-7:18a (distractions) -7:31a (prayer)-8:03a (32min)

I know there is PEACE in Your presence (1hr & 3min) 45min

DAY 28: May 15, Wed 7:59a-8:05a (6min)-8:40a (35min) =41min

We arrive at real maturity - that measure of development which is meant by the 'fullness of Christ.' Christlikeness is your eventual destination, but your journey will last a lifetime.

This journey involves: believing (through worship), belonging (through fellowship) & becoming (through discipleship)

DAY 29: May 16, Thur 6:22am-7:10am (48min) -7:57a (47min) 1 hr & 35 min

You pulled me from darkness and clothed me in garments of praise.

DAY 30: May 17, Fri 6:26a-7:28a (1hr & 2min)

STAY WITH ME LORD BE MY LIGHT I BELONG TO YOU. LEAD ME TO YOUR PLANS I SURRENDER EVERYTHING TO YOU THY WILL BE DONE AS YOU PREPARE MY OTHER HALF FOR ME & ME FOR HIM. THANK YOU FATHER. ALL GLORY AND HONOR TO YOU LORD GOD MY SAVIOR.

DAY 31: May 18, Sat 6:04a-6:49a (45min)

THANK YOU LORD. I'M OVERWHELMED WITH YOUR GRACE. I DON'T DESERVE YOU BUT YOU NEVER ABANDONED ME. LEAD ME TO YOUR GRACE. I WILL ALWAYS FOLLOW YOU FATHER. NEVER LET ME GO FATHER. I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE. SAY WITH ME LORD. BE MY LIGHT. I BELONG TO YOU +

DAY 32: May 19, Sun 8:15a-8:45a (30min) - 9:25a (40 min) = 1hr & 10min

DAY 33: May 20, Mon 5:57a -6:53a (56min) -7:19a (26min = 1hr & 22min

DAY 34: May 21, Tues 6:20a - 6:47a (27min) - 7:36a (49min) = 1 hr & 16min

If you're going to be a servant, you must settle your identity in Christ. Only secure people can serve. Insecure people are always worrying about how they appear to others. They fear exposure of their weaknesses & hide beneath layers of protective pride & pretenses.

DAY 35: May 22, Wed 6:07a-6:23a (16min) 6:48a-7:21a (33min) =49min

God purposely chose... what the world considers weak in order to shame the powerful.

We are more likely to be compassionate & considerate of the weaknesses of others. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.

God gives grace to the humble but many misunderstand humility. Humility is not putting yourself down or denying your strengths, rather it is being honest about your weaknesses. Pretentiousness repels but authenticity attracts & vulnerability is the pathway to intimacy.

DAY 36: May 23, Thur 6:15a-6:55a (40min) - 7:39a (44min) = 1hr &24min

If you will commit to fulfilling your mission in life no matter what it costs, you will experience the blessing of God in ways that few people ever experience.

DAY 37: May 24, Fri 6:23a-6:42a (19min) break 12min 6:54a-7:42a = 1hr & 17min

The good news shows how God makes people right with himself - that it begins & ends with faith.

DAY 38: May 24, 8:54p-9:45p (1hr & 9min) - 10:37p (52min) = 2hrs & 1min

>To make the most of your time on earth, you must maintain an external perspective. This will keep you from majoring on minor issues and help you distinguish between what's urgent and what's ultimate. 

"We fix our eyes on what's seen, but on what is unseen is eternal."

"Overwhelm me with your glory, I surrender."

>Our greatest lessons come out of pain. God keeps a record or our tears.

Who am I to deny what the Lord can do? All it takes is nothing.

DAY 39: May 26, Sun 6:38a-6:44a (6min) 7:15a-8:22a =1hr & 13min

Don't let the errors of evil people lead you down the wrong path & make you lose your balance. 

Our minds are sharpened and our convictions are deepened through conversation.

The bible says: "Encourage each other and give each other strength."

"Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in faith. Don't drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular check ups... Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it."

For our spiritual health, you need to regularly check the five vital signs of worship, fellowship, growth in character, ministry and mission.

Jeremiah advised, "Let's take a good look at the way we're living and reorder our lives under God."

Paul urged, "Let your enthusiastic idea at the start be equaled by your realistic action now."

Bible: "It's crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we've heard so that we don't drift off." We remember what we record.

2Peter 3:17

DAY 40: May 27, Mon 6:06a-6:43a (37min) - 7:55a 1hr & 12 min, 1 hr & 49min

>When God's at the center, you worship. When he's not, you worry. The moment you put him back at the center, you will have peace again. The Bible says, "A sense of God's wholeness... will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

It's easy to drift away from what matters most and slowly get off course. To prevent this, you should develop a purpose statement for your life and then review it regularly.

>Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

LIFE PURPOSE STATEMENT - statement that points the direction of your life.

Writing down your purposes on paper will force you to think specifically about the path of your life.

-a statement that defines "success" for you

-a statement that clarifies your roles

-a statement that expresses your shape

    >reflects the unique ways God made you to serve him.

LIFE'S FIVE GREATEST QUESTIONS

1) What will be the center of my life? (worship)

2) What will be the character of my life? (discipleship) -PAGE 315 TOP PART

3) What will be the contributioin of my life? (service) -PAGE 315 MID PART

4) What will be the communication of my life? (mission)

5) What will be the community of my life? (fellowship)

5 PURPOSES HE CREATED US FOR or 5 PURPOSES FOR YOUR LIFE:

1) TO LOVE HIM (WORSHIP)

He made you to be a member of his family.

2) TO BE PART OF HIS FAMILY (DISCIPLESHIP)

A model of his character.

3) TO BECOME LIKE HIM (SERVICE)

A magnifier of his glory.

4) TO SERVE HIM (MISSION)

A minister of his grace.

5) TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT HIM (FELLOWSHIP)

A messenger of his Good News to others.

*BE ready at all times to answer anyone who asks you to explain the hope you have in you, but do it with gentleness and respect. The best way to "be ready" is to write out your testimony and then memorize the main points. Divide it into four parts:

1. What my life was like before I met Jesus.

2. How I realized I needed Jesus.

3. How I committed my life to Jesus.

4. The difference Jesus made in my life.

Of course you have many other testimonies besides your salvation story. You have a story for every experience in which God has helped you. You should make a list of all the problems circumstances and crisis that God has brought you through. Then be sensitive and use the story that your unbelieving friend will relate to best. Different situations call for different testimonies.

Your life message includes your life lessons. The second part of your life message is the truths that God has taught you from experiences with him. These are lessons and insights you have learned about God, relationships, problems, temptations, and other aspects of life.

A few questions to jog your memory and get you started.

>What has God taught me from failure?

>What has God taught me from lack of money?

>What has God taught me from pain or sorrow or depression?

>What has God taught me through waiting?

>What has God taught me through illness?

>What has God taught me from disappointment?

>What have I learned from my family, my church, my relationships, my small group, and my critics?

 

Cognitive Dissonance

            

            Your intoxicating passion over me makes me weak to my bones. Your fervent desires are too infectious that it stupefies me. You can't help it and you hate it! You can't hold yourself back so you just indulge yourself of your dose of me. I can hear your energy and it's calling me. You told me you'll never message me nor call me again and you already sent your last message but you still do message me regularly. You even make calls like you're not ashamed to take your word back. I can feel your heat every single time. You're too weak! How can I make you weak? When did you become weak like that?! The irony here is that your weakness over me drives me crazy. Our synchronicity is on point. It's nerve racking that I imagine my life with you because you gave me the vision of us and it's all bliss. You know it's a life we both want! We can almost give anything to have it again. It was like orchestrated over time somewhere divine and we're meant to be together in the end. We both still yearn for it because we sickeningly want the same thing! I know it and you know it.

                

                I may still be within the realm of my self-contradicting paradigm but the paradoxical euphoria is addictive. You tell yourself you don't want me and I'm not the one you want but you're encapsulated by me that you take everything I say seriously. I'm astonished that you listen to everything I tell you. It doesn't even feel right to say that I'm surprised because it feels like I already know that you're going to listen to every single thing that I tell you and do exactly as I say. We don't even talk but you remember every little thing that I said like it's your lifeline. You know what you want and you're in it too deep but you try to teach yourself otherwise because you mind my principles even if it's not yours. What truly makes me happy matters to you even if it's killing you that it will never be you. Have you ever loved anyone like this? Your love galvanize my whole being you need not utter a word. Would you blame me if I'd crave for you? The only people in my life who taught me what love is abandoned me and made me live a life of recluse. I would give anything to get some real love! But I will never do anything to hurt you. The futility of your withdrawal afloat because all your gestures raise the white flag.  This is our love language. It wracks my brain that we don't even utter any words but we just get each other thru the core. I don't think it's going to end. This is definitely never going to end!

                

                 A few weeks ago you were all over me.  I'm happy that you fixed yourself up a little bit but you still got me under your skin. You're stuck and I'm stuck but we're both living our lives like what we had was all forgotten and obsolete just because we have to. It's funny how we both pretend to be moving on and that we can't go back. I may still be within the realms of my reality but it feels good to imagine the possibilities of paradise and bliss with you. Probably because I've been yearning for it for too long and you're the perfect one but not. And that actually makes you perfect! Come to think of it. It's better to imagine that you're everything that I prayed for.  Someone who loves me more than anything else that your world shatters if I'm not by your side. My posse. My comfort zone and a pain in the ass. I wasn't even aware that you're everything that I asked for. It's like the infinite intelligence has been concocting you to become the person that I have been exactly yearning for. So this is the reason why it took an awful long time. We're both doing the work so we don't ever have to work for it for the rest of our lives. You're my safe space and my safe place - my soulmate. My other half. I'd rather embrace this truth than to wait in abyss and dwell in nothingness. We create our life, remember?

                As long as we're both in denial, then it's never going to end.  We'll be dancing in the waves until our truths align and we both accept the same truth. When that happens, then I guess I'll be your shotgun rider til the day I die. You'll be holding my hand once again and I promise, I'll never pull away from you again. It's you and me til the end.

My Holy Week Reflection: Dad's Healing

I'm calling out to you Father. May you send your Holy Spirit so he would feel your love and your healing hands thru my letter. May you reveal to him his awakening that he will not look back but look forward to your peace and stay in your paradise.

Palm Sunday

March 24, 2024

Daddy,

            I don't know how to say this. I never do say it pero sa totoo lang mahal na mahal kita. Dad, you're already 70 years old. I'm turning 41 in 2 weeks. I really wanted to settle down with the man for me and have kids. That's how I thought out my life will be considering that among your 3 daughters, I'm the only one who is domesticated and can put up with household chores naturally.

            For the life of me, I never imagined that at this day and age, I'd still be single and childless at 41. I refuse to get in any relationship. I guess what happened to our family changed me. Because now, I see marriage and commitment as pain, suffering and misery. Who will be that man who will kill me inside out that I have to keep it in and implode?

            I'd rather bear the pains of staying at home with my parents and be the shock absorber of all sorts. At the very least, they are my parents. You raised me and my siblings single-handedly dad. I was witness to your chaotic marriage and toxic relationship for 40 years and counting. I guess I've had enough of it that I'd rather stay single. But I know how you love children. All four of us are closer to you than mom because you took the role of our father and mother all these years. I witnessed how frustrated you have become with mom all through out the years but you stayed because you committed to your responsibility as our father. You were our hero dad. We've always looked up to you and respected you as our father. A lot of things has changed now. You have become a totally different person today. I've always thought, if only I have kids then there will be the source of your joy and happiness then things could have worked out differently. Maybe you won't get too fixated with your frustrations, disappointments and misery. But your heart will be open to more positivity, love, compassion and divine intervention. I don't know how else to reach out to you dad that your heart will listen and your soul will calm down. I don't know how you can cling on to hate and anger so much that you push away everyone around you. 

            In this day and age, I've learned that in life, there are only 2 things: God or Satan, heaven or hell, love or hate. THERE IS NO IN BETWEEN DAD. We all have our own battles in life DAD. Mine is a warfare but I've learned to be strong and cling on to God in spite of all the misery I've had to just swallow in WHOLE. Thank you I guess. I was raised by TWO OF THE MOST TOXIC PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. I think you and mom raised me well. It just breaks my heart that you choose to ignore the blessings and the fruits you bore after all the years of your hardship. You should just be relaxing and taking your time to enjoy your retirement. Who knows how many years you have left? Should you be fostering PEACE and LOVE until it lasts? It's your legacy anyways.

Always here,

Yvelle

Gladys in a Nutshell

            I blocked you years ago because of what you did and how you denied your hidden desires towards me. May it be intentional or not, it still happened.  Alam mo that there was evil in you.  Inamin mo lahat sakin 5 years after it happened when we talked again.  Hindi ka lang umamin, minahal mo na talaga ako ng totoo Gladys.

            Pinlano mo ba lahat yan? Hindi naman diba?! Pero nangyari. Maganda yung nangyari. 

            I appreciated it coz you redeemed yourself to me and you came clean. I may have allowed you to use me so you can move on with your divorce pero malalim kase foundation natin. In fact, we've been doing the same thing ever since we became friends so it felt natural to me. Kahit isipin kong hindi totoo lahat yun sayo and you were never really in love with me, we both know the truth. You transformed into a completely different person that's why I was drawn to you.  We both cannot 'unsee' things between us Gladys. This is "us" now. To be honest, it felt like it's all you ever wanted and you've been waiting to hold me the way you did ever since we first met 18 years ago. It feels so good to be showered with your love because I was abandoned by the people I love the most. It feels like I'm already dead! But since I've known you for so long, I know there's a catch. I don't fall for that kind of trap. It just doesn't work with me. Sorry but not sorry, I guess.

            The scary thing here Gladys is that I know you wouldn't have gotten married if I didn't remove you in my life 6 years ago. I wouldn't have removed you in my life if only you would've been honest with me then. Things would've turned out differently. Everything happened for a reason. This was your life's breakthrough! We both have already established the facts, right?

          What made you did what you did? Why is it easier for you to conceal the truth than to just be completely honest and be real? Your greatest narcissistic qualities Tibs: ego, pride and insecurities. I gave you that book for a reason. This is not to persecute and condemn you. It's for you to better understand who you are and how you create your life and people around you. You just went through your nasty divorce and you're acting like you're in a frying pan just because you're single again. You would prefer to go through a roller coaster of emotions instead of just staying still, keeping your life simple, just be happy and appreciate life after you conquered the experience. Well, that's who you really are. You love drama and you can't seem to live your life without your dose of it. On a lighter side, I'm glad you're back. I can't bear the fact that someone who doesn't really mean anything to you made you forget who you really are. I knew that if I make you remember me, you'd come back to yourself in an instant. Plus you were really good at making me feel it was my fault. You love blaming me for things that you do to your life.

            But why do I feel you're doing exactly the same thing you did 6 years ago after I blocked you? You want to bury the truth and live another life of pretense! This time, you're trying to undo whatever is already done. You want to teach yourself to unlove me and do a rewind wishing all your feelings will disappear because I don't feel the same way.  Are your narcissistic qualities getting the best of you again? I would allow the silence to answer that for you. You're starting to come back to the real you so your silly insecurities are starting to take a hit on you and your self imposed possibilities are driving you crazy.

            Now, think! Calm the fuck down and think!

            It's only a matter of time Tibs. I dread the day that you'll regret your decisions today. I'm looking at a clear picture of you admitting defeat the second time around. It's been over the day you realized I'm the love of your life and I always will be. Your words not mine.

            What made you change your mind?

            Our agreement that I'll be your wife for 10 days just so you can wake up from your delusional misery is your only basis. It's completely flawed. You want us to be in love? Then that's another conversation. You have to make me fall in love with you Gladys. Not force me into a relationship with you when we're friends! I can't take anything seriously from you while I'm being a friend to you pulling you back up because you were drowning. I ought to help you breathe freely first. I did exactly that. You have to come back to the real YOU! 

            CTFD will ya!

            Can't you do it one step at a time? What's the rush? What are you scared of? I'm already here with you as you wish (or not, haha). We're back in business (or not, haha). I have my own battles too but your woes and wishes are the only things that matter.

            Now that you are getting there or already there, you just dropped me like a hot potato. 

           Happy now? Good for you but you can't even be my buddy anymore. You were the one who said I made you strong when you were at your weakest. I was there for you every step of the way to give you everything you needed to survive but you can't do the same for me. Not that I'm expecting you to. For the record, even as friend, you failed to be there for me and you keep telling yourself we're friends! Cut the bullshit will ya!

            Here's the truth Gladys. Better listen well and listen good. I can always be a friend to you. I was, I am and I will always be. You can never be a friend to me because you will always want something more. You can pretend to be my friend but your narcissistic traits will want to hurt me because it's hurting you that I'm not yours to keep. That's the truth. That's the reason why for the longest time we've been together, the only time it felt really good to be with you was when you confessed that you were in love with me. You were being real and fluid. I loved that side of you and I think you did too. You will only be able to accept me fully if I'm your other half. You were the one who said it. We can't go back. This is our paradox of love and companionship. You can pretend to be my friend but your narcissistic qualities will always get the best of you. You will always want more of me. It will kill you that you can't so you'll just throw shit at my face to get even. That's your toxic nature. I will always be your friend but you will never be my friend. Not because you can't. It's simply because you don't want to.

Some Hetero Shit

Business: A quote from the Netflix series, The Gentlemen sounds like this. I just edited out a bit.

"I'm willing to put some skin in the game because shared responsibilities have their merits. And the benefits of continuity will be limitless"

VOW
We'll celebrate the idea of romance forever
Just by keeping it ideal.

I will romance my freedom til I get tired and end up in your arms.

With all love & respect,
We journey together to all the comfort & luxuries of life.

To success & happiness.
Peace & love.
And most importantly, to friendship.

We will become the paradox of love & companionship.

Prophetic Bliss

Love, Romance, Marriage, Family, Companionship and settling down.

There are snippets of the future that discerned me. You will begin to ask why a prophecy keeps bugging me. It's like imprinted in my subconscious that the universe is certain to unfold at a time and place of it's own whim.

There were 5 bleak prophecies in the past and three of them already came to life.

First..

Second..

Third..

Fourth..

and the 

Fifth.

I know there's one more before the final one. I have no idea where and how I got all these predictions. You may call it ideas, illusions, delusions, predictions, prophecies or imaginations. They exist and it's like written somewhere divine and absolute.