One Last Trip To Let You Go

I was fully aware that I won't get my money back on this trip.  This June 3 trip where we went to far Bulacan and talked to Mama and Tito Father. These people don't have money.

I know that they can't really give me anything monetary given that it was my primary purpose. I just want to do everything that can be done so that when I reach the end, there's no looking back. I won't say: "I should have done this.." "I should have done that.." I could have done this and that.."

Now that my employment is in a very critical situation, I have become desperate to get my money back. It's only a matter of time before I lose my job and if that happens where will I get the money to pay that friggin' loan which has a monthly amortization of P10,023.23??? That is aside from my other bills and other monthly amortizations. There is my condo and my car. What about credit card bills, gas money, food and recreation?

But this trip gave me the will to let go

I am blessed with a good family, an amazing dad and supportive people around me. I'm letting go of that financial bind. I can do this. It will be hard and it will cause nuisance to people that loves me since I'm going constantly ask or borrow money from them. hahaha

I will get by.

At the very least, it was illuminating to talk to Mama and to Tito Father. I was illuminated that Ace really has become a psychotic liar. I feel sorry for you Ace.

You have done it and you just can't face it so you hide like a lunatic. You want to live a life of pretence, that's fine. It's your life. It's you! I have nothing to prove. You have got a lot of things to prove not to me but to yourself. You are not fooling me nor anyone else but yourself and your family who believed in you. Pathetic!

Now, nobody knows you. Do you still even know yourself? Why are you holding back? What are you scared of? Why can't you just be a man and face the reality of life. Live your life! And live it real!

My Semantics in "Moving On"

When Agnes asked me, "Why are you feeling that way?"

I realized just now, that I just want to be acknowledged. As you said, what happened to me was very traumatic. It's not easy to get over it. But I swallowed everything whole. I'm being strong on my own. I didn't ask help from anyone. I was shot down over and over again. I just get up without any help from anyone. Other people on the other hand, just can't stop talking about me. She can't stop posting trash about me. She can't stop bashing me all the way. I never, not once, mentioned anything about this fiasco to make myself look prettier. Not that I need to because... c'mon... facts are facts! haha

I can easily say, "No matter how hard you try, you can never replace what was even if you curl your hair!"

hahahaha

But no, I never utter a single word. I just don't feel like I need to. It's just not my cake. I send the message straight up.

I should be acting like the bitter one right?! But who's really bitter now? I just don't understand why YOU ARE?!

I was granted this experience. I accept it. I cope. I don't brood. I don't mope. I don't dwell. I guess I just want people to recognize that. What I had to experience is not simple. It's not easy at all. Maybe it's okay to feel some "Ace Air." Sometimes, it's an "Ace Cloud." And when God is sending me a message, He's giving me the "Ace Storm." But I feel good after I get His message.

Look at me now. I'm still moving forward and I'm standing strong. Sometimes, I need people to recognize that.

Oh by the way, to illuminate you on the semantics, there are things I call the Ace Air, the Ace Cloud, and the Ace Storm. The Ace Air is a fleeting moment of Ace memoirs. Simple things like quotes, words, songs, expressions or just about anything that reminds me of the past with Ace, it gives me the "Ace Air". It's fast and it's fleeting. If that weird, funny and awkward feeling is sustained, I call it the "Ace Cloud." There are times when an "Ace Cloud" arrives then I feel very heavy on my chest with no reason at all. My mind is blank but then it feels like there's a big rock jammed in my heart that I feel I needed to cry it out. It's weird and so much uncalled for but it happens. I call it the "Ace Storm." On a positive note, I only had the "Ace Storm" once and it illuminated me to something really surprising and sick. One big lie that opened a can of worms.

The "Ace Storm" was meant to happen. It happened for a reason and I'm glad it did. The "Ace Cloud" is seasonal. I only experienced it on the third month. I don't experience the "Ace Cloud" anymore though I still experience a lot of "Ace Air."

Schizophrenic

At the very least, the schizo is able to save me. The idea saved me.

Something I Had To Experience Alone

I decided to go on a retreat to give myself my own healing. I stayed in Assumption Sabbath Place Bagiuo City from March 20 to 22, 2012

I never travel alone. Whenever I travel, I'm always with friends, colleagues, family or acquaintance. It has to be always fun and adventurous but not this time. This is the very first time that I had to travel alone. It was very significant and memorable. I was alone and I took a bus. When we got to SCTEX, tears started rolling down my face non-stop! I have no idea why. Like what my neurologist said, the heart remembers what the mind forgets. My heart seems to remember every little detail of the accident that happened back in December of 2009. The whole event was completely wiped out of my memory. I acquired Retrograde Amnesia. I don't remember anything about this particular eventful life experience! But tears were non-stop! I suddenly felt very heavy for no reason at all. I don't know why I felt so heavy that I had to cry hard.



This is just some thoughts and prayers I put on paper. I just like writing them down and reading it afterwards.

Day 2 (March 21, 2012)


You are not a martyr to punish yourself. It's not even for the glory of God.

God is good for showing me things I need to see.

I need to love myself more. No more moping! No more wallowing in pain and misery!

I need to be open to people. I will be open to people.

Look forward. Move forward. If you look back, just smile.

After this retreat, I shall go back to Manila happier, lighter. I will accept this experience and learn from it.  Now I am wiser! I am stronger. I can be happier. I WILL MOVE ON!

I will be careful on how my thoughts shape my life. I am in control of my mind. I choose what I think. I choose to be free. I choose to leave everything behind. No more excess baggage. No more negative thoughts! It's not helping me. It's unhealthy. I will love myself more. I love myself and I need to show it. I will rise from all of this a better person. I accept everything. I see it. I learn from it. Thank you for this experience. Thank you life. Lord be with me. I AM MOVING ON!

I WILL KEEP ON MOVING ON!

God is good. Life is good.


Day 3 (March 22, 2012)


I will come out of this place a better person. I am stronger. I am wiser. I have a clean slate. My mind is blank. No more moping. No more thinking of irrational, unhealthy, worthless thoughts. God is giving me the power, the strenght, the grace to start anew. No prejudice. But a wiser woman. God is giving me the grace and the courage to move on happily. I am lighter. I feel lighter. I am free. I feel free.

Thank you Lord for guiding me all the way, for carrying me in times that I need you. I surrender to you my life. I surrender my moping and brooding and my wallowing in pain and misery. I thank you for granting me a happier and healthier spiritual life. I embrace this experience and hope that beautiful things will come my way at your will. Thank you Lord for the grace and beauty of life. Help me to see the beautiful things and accept this experience positively. Help me rise from this fall. Guide me all the way. Send me your Holy Spirit and bless my journey. I will keep on moving on! I have faith in you Lord. Your will be done.

Thank you.

This retreat totally set me free. It helped me accept the unacceptable and move on. God has his ways.

Bull's Eye!

Thanks to the lyrical poetry of Gotye

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over  
But had me believin' it was always something that I'd done  
But I don't wanna live that way  
Reading into every word you say  
You said that you could let it go  
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn't have to cut me off 
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger  
And that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low  
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number  
Guess that I don't need that though  
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

My Break Up Summary

A lot had happened over the past few months. I never knew that it had impacted me that much because now, people are saying I changed a lot. I loosened up. I opened up. Over the months I was in the dark. I was in the dark and I was kept there.

 "I'm not looking for anyone. I respect you. I respect our relationship. You're the one I want to be with."

This statement made me believe something at the very least. I was made to believe that we are doing something to make us better so we could be happier together. We needed some space. A breather. And after some time, it can work out better between us. I was in the dark for the past 5 months since one illuminating afternoon.

On February 21, 2012 around 4pm, the truth was unveiled. I unraveled something that gave a whole new meaning to the name "Ace Victoria". I was made to believe a big lie. The biggest frigging lie I can ever think of in my whole goddamn life. The truth didn't fill in holes at all. It totally changed everything in every twisted little detail. It's crazy! It was a lot to take in. Time is imperative for anyone to process and accept the whole fiasco!

I'm writing about it now because I want to put a validation to everything that transpired over the months. It's been 3 months and I want to keep you updated. Whenever I come back to this blog and read the entries before this, I read a state of mind that existed because it was made to believe something that isn't real. It may be real but it's plain sick and messed up now that I know the truth. There's a whole different story and it needs to be told.

I trusted someone that I was made to believe as the love of my life for the past 5 years. We had weddings plans and it was divulged to his family. I almost married the guy!

The love that brought me to where I am now and made me hope for something beautiful doesn't exist anymore. I wasn't even aware that I was made to hold on to the reality of the "past". A past that flowered genuine love that was unconditional. A past that can no longer be the present. Again, it was a goddamn lot to take in! Surprisingly, after a month, I swallowed everything whole and managed to move forward happy and free!

Somebody told me, I didn't do anything. He did that to himself. For someone who loved unconditionally and then ruin it unintentionally or deliberately after some time, is it a lot to take in? Ruining what once was a beautiful relationship is definitely something that one should learn to recover from. He would need someone to help him recover from this nasty reality he got himself into. Whoever that someone is, good riddance! And whatever happened to you Ace, I'm just glad it's no longer my burden to take.

You gave everything you got Ace. Passion, affection, love, devotion...

You changed yourself for me. You put me to the pedestal. You adored me from head to toe.

I guess, after some time that I haven't been doing the same thing, it began to matter. I still can't give in and...

it ruined you.

Maybe it's over but "over" is not a word that you know.

Hope you heal in time.

My Father's Instincts

One of the most intense moments in my life is seeing the only man who has loved me unconditionally confront the man whom I have loved the most and tell him it's just enough. It's enough!

That alone just ended everything.

Every time I think about that moment, tears just roll down my cheeks. He was full of emotions. I can see doubtless how he felt my pain no matter how hard I have tried to hide it. He just felt it all the way.

That moment is still so vivid and it's overwhelming. Being a man of principles, he considered something that is a question of morality because of me. All I think I did was to try to protect him from being devastated of the outcome of the choice he made.

I thought I was protecting something but in fact, it's provoking something.

That moment was a twist of fate. It was one of the ironies of life indeed.

I have kept the person whom I thought I'm going to be with for the rest of my life a secret. I kept it a secret for almost three years. Three years of subtlety and discreetness for a reason. To have to know that there is an awful side that I haven't seen is illuminating! God is good. Everything happens for a reason.

It was a twist of mind because it just set me free. It set me free from something I thought I don't want to lose. Some things are just not meant to be.

Now I'm free.