In Retrospect, I Make Really Good Sense When I'm Stoned.

I don't fucking do Meth so never assume.  I love to sleep!  Dubee keeps me relaxed. Comfortable. Light. Confident. Beautiful. Pleasured. Peaceful. Deep. Sleep. I'm stoned. You know why I decided to start writing here while stoned? I read my previous entries. Angelo & Chito. And I can't believe I wrote it while stoned. That was amazing expression! I don't know what would they say once they read it which I think they never will.  I'm grown up a bit. I've learned to accept the reality of life is really not beautiful. But I love life as it is. It's a gift. I'm feelin' good. Strawberry Cough is the shit. Hahaha I have a new song. Ugly Kid.  A self-pity bullcrap! Hahahaha "I'm an ugly kid. I'm an ugly kid." Totally my song right?! Hahahaha

Alright. Steady baby. z*p

Chito

I feel sad to realize you're playing me so I appreciate that you're playing safe.  Thank you.  That makes me want to fall in love with you but unfortunately, I don't want to play anymore.  It's so sad.  My life has been so sad.  Is it wrong to finally admit that I'm looking for a boyfriend?  I am picky because he will be my lifetime partner so I won't really settle for less.  I want someone I'm comfortable with and in the same way, he is comfortable with me too.

Why settle for less when there is an option to be free?  Does that make sense?

Freedom and free will are our most precious gifts in life!

Anyways.  I'm done playing.  I guess I never even played so.. I'm done guessing.  If you're just going to be awkward then I really don't have to count on you.  Anything goes.  Whatever floats your boat.  But I won't sacrifice a budget unless you'll get back.

Take it or leave it unless you propose.

#kthanksbye

The Reality of My Life

Again.. another man who raised my hopes up but shattered my hopes into pieces. 

Once again, "A big round of applause everybody!!!

Hahahaha I remember telling someone that I need a drink coz I have a problem.. or not? I can't tell the difference.

Anyways, you felt so real but that was a facade because I slowly begin to uncover your true colors.  You're disgusting!  I remember telling you that I don't want you to go that's why I want us to be friends.  Look at you. You're avoiding me? Really?

Maybe it's wrong for me to not ask you "Why?" but there is really no desire in me to want to know.  It's like I've got you all figured out and it's boring me.  I guess I was never really sexually attracted to you but you made me believe something that I really want is real and so you played me all the way to how far you can but it took it's toll on you and you can't keep up with me anymore.  I remember telling you this all the time back then when you muthufuckin Skype me every fucking mintue.  

You see.. I get along with the universe that's why my instincts are always right.  I just wish I remember reading this everyday so I would remember because I forget all the time.  Say, if I 'd see him, I'd ask him how he is coz I've already forgotten everything and he will go awkward with me but I really don't have any idea what's going on.

I've had a drink with this other older guy but younger than Angelo and I think they both had similar intentions but this older guy.. (I call him older guy because I met him before I even met Angelo. Even before I flew in the States August last year.) he caught my attention the very first time I laid my eyes on him.  I didn't think he was physically attractive yet.  I had no idea! But I got really CURIOUS.  For the first time in my life, I followed him and logged in the notebook and checked out his name before I wrote mine.  I got really intrigued.  What if he's my wavemate?  A splash of excitement ran all over my body.  What is this?  I am really curious. 

This is when I realized in hindsight that you really did play me Angelo.  I never felt the same way with you but you made yourself into something you're really not so don't hate on me.  I had no clue.  Don't worry I'm all good.  I forget everything remember?  But I'll be careful with you moving forward so please don't do it again.  Now fly away! Enjoy life muthufucka! Hahahaha good energy message to you mwuah

Zoned Series: I'm The Bad Person.

I don't know what to say. The truth is like a dead body starting to float in the water.  I am rotten!  I have been a very bad girl.  I acted like a stupid little 3-year old trying to prove everyone how strong and fierce she is when in fact she's the worst thorn you will ever come across with. Pahirap! Abnormal! Ang sama ng ugali. Ang salbaje!

My friends and my family must have loved me so much.  I am thankful.  The truth has come out.  I am a rotten little girl trying to push everyone to the edge.  I don't know what has happened to me or why that happened.  I have no idea!  I don't recall exact little details.  I am so frustrated with myself.  I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to cause harm to anyone physically and mentally.  I am tired.  I am sorry.  I don't know how that happened.  I am not happy to inflict pain on anyone.  I just want to be at peace.  I seriously don't know what to do anymore.  Am I really insane? Is this normal? I'm writing this stoned because I become articulate when I'm fucked up stoned.  It would be nice to be able to read what's going on in my mind during the process.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I really had no sexual attraction to Angelo.  Am I a bad person?  I did not lead him into anything.  I was honest from the beginning.  If you ask me, I really think I didn't do anything wrong.  His decisions are his decisions and I don't have enough information to be able to advise him of the right thing to do. But there was something about us that seemed so right.  It went south after that.  He was a child! So immature for a 45-year old.  But I just realized I'm the bad person.  So maybe I was really mean to him.  So I messaged him and apologized and sent good energy message.

I feel so ashamed after learning about things I did to my siblings.  How did I become that evil?  What happened to me?  I don't blame Duduy for treating me this way now.  Everything is starting to make sense.  My siblings are right.  I should just pity myself because I am rotten.  I don't deserve to be respected.  I have to learn to respect others first.  I literally pushed everyone to the edge! Figuratively!!!  I was so mean. So loud. Unbelievable but real! I'm so awful. I feel so awful.  I don't know how or why? I can't really explain things that I don't even remember.  I'm writing because it's really tiring to think about this.  I'm in abyss.  All my life I have denied the fact that I am the evil one.  I mock them for thinking I'm the evil one but I really fucking am!!! I don't know what to do. Who do I turn to? Anyone I tell my stories to would of course think I'm not the evil one.  Because I'm the one talking.  So let's see if things change when I read them.

This is good shit.  Everything feels surreal.  This is a good experiment.  Writing while stoned on a public and private blog.  Feels awesome!  Makes me forget the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend.  In restrospect, I better stay single.  I am a bad person.  I am derranged.  I don't want any more guys to give into my evil eyes.  I will just make their lives miserable.  I'll stay single and just focus.  I won't feel bad anymore about how Duduy pushes me away.  I'd be less dramatic.  I'll try to stay composed all the time.  I have to just keep it to myself if I felt pain or if I get hurt by the words that come out of their mouth or the energy they shoot in me if they couldn't just blurt things out just because.. I have to stay composed because I deserve that kind of pain.  I was the evil one.  Real evil that I despise that person.  Who is that?! How did it become me? or how did I become that person? I'm not denying fault here.  I'm just amazed that there is such an evil person like me. I can't even believe I exist! I seriously don't know what to do.  I have to stay strong. I can't just say I'll just kill myself because that would make everyone feel I am blackmailing them with suicide stuff. I'm not even suicidal. But you know what I mean?  I'm just saying.  If all of us have demons, I got the worst demon.  I don't want to live anymore if I'll only be hurting people I love.  I am rotten and I hit everyone in their faces like I don't care.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be evil.  I believe in goodness but I am evil.  I'm clueless.  I'm in abyss.  God help me. 😭

Yvelle's Syndrome

I didn't realize it's been 4 months since I last updated this little blog I've been pouring my heart out to whenever I feel like it.  There are a lot of times I'd like to keep you updated but there are certain scenarios in my life I'd like to keep to myself because of embarrassment maybe?  Like getting fired.

Again.

It's something that happens to me all the time.  I have the habit of losing my job.  There were instances I did something that led me to lose my job.  There were times that the job just wasn't for me.  However, I was never terminated nor dismissed if you look into the books except for this time.  This is the very first time my employment got ceased by the company.  It's not because of fraud or something malicious.  But I'm beginning to think I'm no longer fit to work because of some neurological reasons.  Yes, I see a neurologist regularly.  He concluded that my brain is scarred from the accident I had 10 years ago so he can't exactly rule out my head trauma.  I do have an unknown medical condition and I'm on medications.  My neurologist advised he 'could' refer me to a psychiatrist because he couldn't figure out what's wrong with me.  It's very frustrating.  It costs a lot.  P3,500 per session to be exact.  One session is one hour.  Nobody knows what my condition is.  I have the feeling that this type of condition does not exist yet in our time or should I say is not recognized yet.  But I would like to name it Yvelle's Syndrome.  It's very difficult for me to keep up.  There is something about the way I see things and the way it is retained in my memory.  Things become very inaccurate and it is horrifying once I realize the reality of the matter.  It would drag me down and keep me in the zone of trying to remember what happened, why it happened and how it happened.  Is it even possible for that kind of scenario to happen or was it all in my mind?  Am I just imagining things?  Why was it extremely vivid and instantaneous up to the very last detail?  It's very exhausting just to try to figure it out when I can just move on and go with the swing of things just like everyone else.  But I couldn't.  I won't be able to keep up.  My neurologist say my brain is like a computer.  If several apps are up, it slows down.  But several times I catch myself blank.  I zone out a lot.  And when I do that, I'm afloat.  I'm physically present but I'm drifting and peaceful.

There are so many things to do.  There are so many things to explore.  I have so many things to say.  But there is so little time.

I'm Not Ready Because I Am Sick. Period.

To be honest, I am delighted with the idea of a possible relationship.  At last, there is someone that I can be with again, finally!  It's been a lonely road and I'm the type of person who's not really used to being alone.  I always appreciate company of friends or anyone I'm comfortable with.  I need someone to be with all the time.  I'm not confident to be alone anymore.  I know that I am clingy to my friends and to people around me just because.. I love to be around people.  It makes my life more interesting and happy.  I remember having a boyfriend for a very long time and I remember not being clingy with him because I remember he complained a lot about it.  I remember my friends told me that whenever I plan something, it's always with friends and not with my boyfriend.  It's possible that I never really liked him that much because I was more clingy to my friends than with him.  Why am I saying this?

Because for the first time in my life, it feels so right.  It's true!  God works in mysterious ways.  I can prove it to anyone time and again.  Amidst the mayhem in my life, I feel something ironically right.  I feel and I know His Hand is making it's way to work magic.

One incongruent night at work, I realized I can't be in a relationship.  That poor guy will become my shock absorber.  I'm not well.  I would cry all the time and I would always look for him.  I also see myself calling him in the middle of the night because I need a place to stay.  I left home again and I need a place to crash.  It happened several times but I call and bother my friends because I'm single.  It's less complicated because, if it's my boyfriend I would bother, living together would become an option.  Though I know it would be so much easier for me to leave home and be away from home.  My life would be more peaceful and free.  Things would be so much easier! I know!  But why is it not one of my options?

How can a relationship work if I'm broken?  

I need to heal.  I need to be okay being alone and then everything will follow.

But I'm tired.  I'm tired of being alone.  It just feels so good to be with someone that I can count on all the time just like with ------ or ----- or -------- or ------ and a whole lot more.  

My life was fun back then and I was never alone.  I can always depend on someone.  But somewhere, somehow, I knew that it wasn't right.  I don't know but something tells me, it wasn't right.  No matter how much happy I was or how much fun it was, I knew that it wasn't right.  I did fight for it.  I go crazy in love too.  I guess it wasn't just supposed to be.

This time around, I won't fight for it any longer but I want to make it right.  I'm not ready.  It's a "NO".  But somewhere, somehow, I know.  It will become.

God is good.  I'll make it right this time.

My Very First Official Chill Pill

The first feeling I recognize is becoming sleepy.  I felt like I want to sleep.  In a way I felt like I was high because I felt relaxed and just right.  It's almost the same feeling as whenever I'm stoned disregarding euphoria and hallucination.  I got the feeling of wanting to drink some beer with it just the same cravings I get every time I smoke weed.

I was at work and took the chill pill a few minutes after I cried at my desk.  After 9pm, I went home and went straight to my bed.  I don't remember if I still had dinner.  I think I went straight to bed.  I could be wrong.  Who knows?

The following morning, I went down past 11am and Hitler asked if I'm not going to work yet.  He was calm because he thought I had work.  When I told him it's my rest day, he went ballistic and acted like I just told him "I got fired again."  He was expecting me to be joining them on Sundays if I'm not working.  We usually catch the 11am mass.  But I'm on the chill pill so I was able to completely ignore what he did.  I just asked Kakay to ring my phone because I couldn't find it.

I remember, Hitler never even have gone ballistic whenever I tell him I don't have a job anymore.  I'm just trying to paint a picture.  I can't think of anything that I can say that Hitler won't get mad at because to be honest, everything you tell him nowadays makes him go mad.  I really think he's gone mad and would need to seek professional help.  Right now, there is an ongoing commotion downstairs.  He screamed and has gone crazy again.  I went down to check it out and the arguments are still on going right now as we speak.

They went back and picked me up after their church earlier and we had lunch outside as usual.  These little scenarios in my life which are like part of my mundane rut made me realize things which I'd probably share in my next entry.