The Sum of All Fears

SIX MINUTES & THIRTY SEVEN SECONDS

Where: Reena's Pad at Pililia St.

Date: September, 2015 

X: Okay ba? Okay, recording. Umm.. ocge what happened is not supposed to happen.

T: Okay.

X: Okay? Mali. I don't like it. But it did. So diba nawitness mo naman kung ganung kahirap sakin matanggap yun. Umm.. to set the records straight, I don't want it to happen again. 

X: uh, I've decided.. that we're not going to talk it.. talk about it ever again.

T: Mkay.

X: I will pretend that it never happened.

T: Okay.

X: Okay? 

X: So since magaling naman ako jan diba? And hazy naman sakin yung i.., deed although I know that it happened eh. Hazy sakin pero an.. alamu yun, andun yung.. hinde, it happened. And it's fucked up. Gladys fucked up. Ganun yung naaalala ko. Although yun lang yung picture na naaalala ko. Yon. Uhmm.. so hindi ko sha pwedeng makalimutan but I've decided that we're going to pretend that it never happened.

T: Okay.

X: With terms and conditions shempre.. hahaha

X: It will never happen again. You have to promise me. You have to give me your word. kase I can't promise you.. kase you know me. I like ff.. fucking around. I like getting stoned. I like getting wasted. There are times that I like that because every time we're together.. alamu yun, may mga times eh.. na okay to. Perfect to. And I can't, we can't, all of us can't really predict what's gonna happen on that night. Diba?

And you can't just tell me na, 'o di iiwas ako pag may ganun, iiwasan kita. That's stupid eh. Kase we're friends, we're barkada eh. 

T: cough

X: So it will.. diba one way or another you have to be there. Kahit marami tayo, meron, may times na darating na it will just be the two of us. Ako, a- kaya ko. Diba, kase wala sha sa utak ko e. Para sakin nga ang state of mind ko it never should have happened eh. 

Eto Gladys, kung nasa ras, rasyonalidad ako, rational thinking.. I will never do it. It will never cross my mind and it's not, I can't do it. It's not a, ganna happen. So yung sinasabi kong the weight is on you, gets mo ba? Kase ikaw eh. Ikaw yuuung gumawa non. Kahit sabihin mong hindi mo naman gagawin yun kapagka hindi ko gusto eh that's stupid. That's fucked up. Kase kung rationale, nasa rationality ako, ayoko non!

T: Eh ako rin naman eh

X: I know! So we're both. Sabihin nating wala ka sa katinuan kaya nagawa mo yun but you did. Tapos na. Nagawa na eh. So.. ito nga yung terms and conditions ko. Cge, we're.. I'm going to pretend that it never happened. We're never gonna to talk about it again.

T: mkay.

X: This is going to be the last time that we're going to talk about it.

T: Okay.

X: Okay? Because it never happened eh. Yun terms and conditions ko, given that yun nga, you're gan give me your word that it's never ganna happen again.

T: Yes.

X: No matter what happens. Kahit sabihin ko sayong gusto ko. Naintindihan mo?

T: mkay. 

X: Kase in the right state of mind. Xyra's right state of mind, she will never do that. Ever. It will never cross her mind. It's not even an option. Ibaa.. indi ako, iba ko eh. 

T: Oh

X: Diba. Kilala mo ko. Diba? Ang gusto ko ngang i-sex yung pang asawa ko na e. So imposible talagang it will cross my mind. Naintindihan mo? It never will. And right now, again, I'm going to pretend, it never did. It will ne-eh, basta it will never happen again.

T: okay.

X: Kahit anung mangyari. Kahit maghubad ako sa harap mo Gladys!

T: okay.

X: Walang malisya sakin yun

T: okay.

X: okay? Alam ko sinasabi ko sayo to kase alam kong mahirap sayo yun. Diba?

T: giggles

X: hahaha hindi easy sayo yun

T: okay.

X: kase.. parang.. the fact that you did that.. sakin..

X: diba? Alamu na napag-usapan na natin to kagabi.

T: mkay. 

X: So yung sinasabi ko sayo.. ang.. naalala ko pinag-usapan natin kagabi.. hindi mo gagawin yun pero pag sinabi kong gusto ko gagawin natin diba? Hahaha usapan natin. Ngayon, I'm setting the records straight. Kase there's no fucking way that I would want that.

T: okay.

T: edi okay.

X: Hindi gagawin, hindi mangyayari yun at hindi sha mangyayari kahit magkasama tayo sa kwarto, sabog ako, wasak ako, maghubad ako, walang mangyayari Gladys.

T: okay. 

X: You have to give me your word.

T: owkay. 

X: O yun yung terms and conditions ko. Diba yun lang? Simple lang diba? And we're never ganna talk about it ever again. 

T: okay.

X: it never happened.

T: okay.

X: Ganun. Ganun yung mangyayare ah. Walang nangyare. Pero meron tayong inside joke all the time. Hahaha alamu na.. kung alamu pag binabanggit ko yun may inside joke na tayong dalawa. Iniisip ko nga kung..

T: Wag ka ng mag inside joke! 

X: Hinde!

T: Bakit pa?!

X: Kase nakakatawa e! Hahaha nakakatawa diba? Nakakatawa naman talga eh. Pero ch.. naisip ko.. ocge we're never ganna to talk about it again. I'm going to pretend it never did. It never did. I can joke about it because it never happened. Ya understand?

T: ocge

X: The inside joke? It never happened e.

T: pero hindi ka naman nagjjoke ng ganun before e o bakit ngayon magjjoke ka na?

X: eh ito na yung repercussions ng nangyari

T: ocge.

X: nangyari e but it never happened diba? So we can joke about it because w.. wala namang nangyari e.

T: okay.

X: wasak ako e. Diba?

T: okay.

X: Pero, iniisip ko rin.. naisip ko kase gusto ko sabihin kina Johann hahahaha 

T: putra.. siraulo? (inaudible)

X: bullshit laughs

X: kase nakakatawa diba? Pagka boys magegets nila yun e diba they do that e hahaha gets mo? Diba magkakawave length kayo alam nila yan pag aasarin ka nalang non pero yun nga basta so far ito yung deal ko. Never happened at walang mangyayari ulit. Okay?

T: okay.

X: Agree!

T: Agree!

X: End of recording.

ELEVEN MINUTES & THIRTY ONE SECONDS

Where: Inside Bumble Boo while on hazard in front of my place

When: September 2015

X: Start of recording.

X: Anung tinarantadu kita tas ginago kita?

T: eh.. 

X: I never said that.

T: oo pero ganun yung.. ganun yung..

X: Wait lang. Again, we're recording for the second time kase merong mga realizations na nangyari after we've discussed about what happened the night of September 23 or 22 basta at Prime Residences. Kase narealize ko rin yun after a few days when we recorded something. Something that we've agreed na we're never ganna talk about it? Because it never happened. Now, we're talking about it. Kase, I noticed on that recording, hindi ka nagsalita. Tapos ngayon may sinasabi ka. So, you were saying..

T: Nagsorry, nagsosorry ako sayo diba

X: Dun sa, what happened

T: Sa, yes. Kase kaibigan kita and you're saying sakin na, "Gladys, in my state of mind, so you were saying that it's just me that did it. So, ako, parang inaano mo sakin na..

X: No, no, no, no. You misinterpret me. Dun sa sinabi ko sayo na: "In my state of mind, I will never do that." Hindi ko ibig sabihin na, ikaw, gusto mo! You understand? Kase nangyari na yun. I understand na pareho tayong wasak kase sa totoo lang

T: O kaya nga I feel sorry

X: Oonga. Hindi ko kase talaga

T: Kase kaibigan din kita

X: Yes.

T: Diba magkaibigan tayo. Ayoko rin naman na mawala ka sakin. Kaya nga sabi ko sayo non, ikaw pinagdedecide ko anu bang gusto mo? Gusto mo ba wala nalang maglayo nalang tayo hindi nalang tayo magkikita. Ikaw ang pinagdecide ko kase I can't decide at that moment. Right now nagsosorry ako because of what happened. Pero I feel sorry for what happened. 

It's not.. kase.. it.. when you say you feel sorry o, you feel sorry. You feel sad of what happened. Get mo? Pero I'm not saying na I'm admitting it. It's my fault. 

X: Oo. I understand. Pero yun nga kase yung sinasabi mo, yung words mo kanina sinasabi ko na ginago kita, hindi ko ginusto yun, na sinasabi ko pala na sinabi, na sinasabi ko sayo na, 'ginago mo ko Gladys, hindi ko gusto yun, ikaw lang may gusto non. Hindi yun yung, I don't mean that.

T: oo, na namisinterpret ko yung recording mo

X: oo, ang sinasabi ko.. what I meant.. kase diba uhm.. ikaw, tomboy ka Gladys, ako straight. 

T: oo

X: Yung nangyayari pag lasing ka is in your subconscious mind.

T: okay

X: yung sinasabi ko sa recording, it will never cross my mind. It's not even in my subconscious mind. Kung mawawasak ako, hindi.. ako nga yung type na hindi ko nga naiisip makipagsex eh! Pag wasak ako, pag lasing ako. Diba nag-aagree ka nga dun sa recording. Kilala mo ko eh. Diba? Nai, naiisip mo ba na ganun akong tao. Kilala mo naman ako e.

T: Hindi ko alam kase that night ano pa ba yung mga pinag-uusapan natin

X: No, no, no, no, general to. General. Not on that night. Xyra. As herself. Pag lasing nalilibog? Pagkakakilala mo sakin. 

T: Hindi ka naman nalalasing e. Kelan ka ba naglalalasing. 

X: General to. Kunyari.. general, gets mo ba? 

T: Onga kelan ka pag time na magkaka, nalasing ka

X: oo, ako ba yung ganung type. Kunyari yung wala ko sa sarili, ang gugustuhin ko bang, makipagsex. Gets mo ba?

T: I wouldn't know that because I've never seen you drunk.

X: Anu ka ba lagi akong lasing diba

T: Kelan? 

X: Sumusuka nga ako jan sa fortuner. Ang dameng nangyayaring hindi ko naaalala, sa Opus.

T: Once lang yun diba sa Fortuner na kasama nyo ko na lasing na lasing ka

X: Yes

T: Every time nag-iinuman tayo sino bang lasing? Kame naman laging lasing ah.

X: Ocge, pag nalalasing ako, nakikita mo ba ko na ako yung maghahanap ng sex pag lasing?

T: Hinde kase ang nakikita ko lang naman sayo nagsususuka ka, basag ka

X: Yun nga. So parang ang point ko lang kase non. Um.. ka-sakin, general to e. I'm not pinpointing on you. I'm not pin pointing pero, generally, ang, ang tao pag nalalasing sila, dalawa yan, naghahanap sila ng violence or sex. Earthly desires or sex. Ganun din yung TREND NG LAHAT diba pag lasing. OKAY. Nag.. diba. Someone will sleep around. Someone will sleep with someone. Ganun yung trend! Pero ako hindi kase ako yung kagaya nila. Diba you do that. Si Angela. Ikaw. Everyone! Johann! Pam! Diba? That's the, that's the norm! Sa mundo natin? Ako ba yung one of them? Na pag lasing naghahanap ako ng 

T: ocge bakit

X: Naiintindihan mo ba yung point ko?

T: oo naiintindihan ko.

X: I'm not saying na, "ikaw, ganun ka eh!" Pero ako. Eto ko Gladys. Hindi ko naiisip yun.

T: okay. 

X: alamu yon. 

T: Oo.

X: Kaya ko, pag pinapakinggan ko yung recording, naa-nag-aagree ka sakin sinabi ko yung part na yun. Kilala mo ko diba? Oo, you agreed. So, alamu. You know me. But I'm not saying na ikaw lang may gusto non kase hindi ako yun eh naintindihan mo? Wala kong sinabing ganon. Ang sinabi ko lang 'but it already happened e'.

T: oo.

X: Hindi mo rin alam. Sinabi mo rin kase 'Hindi ko rin, ako rin naman e!' Oonga andun na tayo. Pero it already happened. Gets mo?

T: oo.

X: So pero hindi kita sinisisi. Gets mo. Yun lang. Yung ako kilala mo ko. When I said it's not in my subconscious mind. Wala talga sha. Kung magkakaron man ako ng inclination, ngayon nga lang nangyari sakin yan diba. Inaadmit ko naman yan e out loud. Ngayon, I'm longing for sex. I miss having sex. Kase before, after my expe, after my relationship with Ace, I don't experience that. Yung namimiss ko yung sex. Now, I do. 

T: oonga sinabi mo kagabi. 

X: When after I experienced having sex with Marlon, with Daniel. Namimiss ko. I miss it. I can have sex with any, with boys, marami, pwede, pero yung vow ko eh. You know it. I want to do it.. my next sexual activity will be within marriage. So you think, pag nalasing ako, papasok sa utak ko yun? 'Ay makikipagsex ako!' Diba? Yun lang. Again, I'm not blaming you. I decided to record again kase nga dun sa first recording natin hindi ka nagsalita. And again, we ah.. both agreed that we're not ganna talk about it anymore but we are talking about it now. 

T: okay.

X: So, kaya nirecord ko.

T: okay. 

X: So anu yung..

T: last na to. Na pag-uusapan natin.

X: Anu yung sasabihin mo? Meron ka pang sasabihin?

T: Wala na. Ja, yun lang. Yung sinabi ko kanina na

X: So at least,

T: Nagsorry ako. Kase parang ano eh. Hindi ko alam kung ano pero ako, kaya ko na rin shang ano e. Get mo? Wala na.

X: oo

T: Pwede eh. Nakita mo naman tayo parang balik nalang tayo sa normal diba.

X: oo

T: Pero parang I felt na hindi ako nagsalita non parang 

X: oo

T: I think I owe you that na kailangan

X: oo

T: magsalita naman ako diba

X: at least you feel the same way

T: kase wala e. Nakita mo naman non

X: naramdaman ko rin yun

T: hindi ko alam e. Hindi ko alam kung anung gagawin, anung iisipin ko. Hindi ko alam kung anung sasabihin ko.

X: oo

T: hindi ko alam.

X: Oo. Nakita ko rin naman na you got really rattled.

T: Yung sa recording ikaw lang nagsalita. Oo lang ako ng oo.

X: oo

T: Pero ngayon gusto kase magkaibigan tayo e diba parang.. and I, I feel sorry kung anu yung nangyari non eh, get mo?

X: mm

T: Dapat hindi naman nangyari yun kase friends tayo e

X: Totoo. And again sabi ko sayo masakit sakin yung nangyari

T: I know alam ko sinasabi mo na ikaw ganyan masakit ah ikaw yung, ikaw yung mahihirapan. Ganyan ganyan. Ganyan ganyan.

X: oo, oo

T: Ako, sabi ko diba ako yung mahihirapan. Ganyan ganyan. Naiintindihan ko pero shempre sa part mo alam ko yun. Alam ko na mahirap yun. Kaya nga hindi ko nga alam kung papanu kita iko- hindi ko alam kung papanu ko sasabihin sayo 

X: Hindi. Masakit sakin yung nangyari, may nangyari satin na we did that although madali ko shang i-brush off coz I already gave my word na we're going to pretend that it never happened.

T: Ya! Ako rin naman e. Kaya ko na rin sha kalimutan e.

X: Kase, totoo e. Easy sha sakin. Hindi. Unang, in the first place, hindi ko sha mashado naaalala, ang naaalala ko lang yung picture na yon. That fucking image that you were doing something sakin. Yun lang! The rest, WALA! Hindi ko nga naaalalang nagkiss tayo, how we went there? Wala. Yun lang! I just know that something happened. MALI! At again, kung iisipin ko, kung tatanggapin kong may nangyari, hindi na kita magiging kaibigan kase hindi okay sakin yon. Alam mo yung vow ko. But something happened. So, to save you. Our friendship. Kase mahal kita Gladys e. I've decided na. Hindi. To pretend that nothing happened. And again. Another one. Another point. Pag inisip kong andaling gawin! If I did it with someone, ang, it's so easy for me to do it again. It will be so much easy for me to do it with you again. You know why? Kase hindi ka lalaki. Wala kong nararamdamang mabigat na feeling parang wala, BABAE! Okay lang yan! Nalilibog ako, gusto ko Gladys. Let's do it! But I'm not that type. I.. Xyra is not that person. Diba? I can be but Xyra is not that type of person e. But again, sinasabi ko posible diba? Babae ako and naiintindihan ko na ang libog, naintindihan mo ba?

T: Mm-mm

X: But again, hindi ko sha gustong gawin sa babae. We're so close sobrang parang komportable na tayo sa isa't isa. Alam ko na nga kung anung nararamdaman mo e nakikita palang kita. Kanina nga alam ko na agad e kung anung nararamdaman mo may pinagdadaanan ka na. Diba? Nakita lang kita non na ganun ka. Diba so parang ayoko mawala ka Gladys. I have to do this. I have to pretend that nothing happened.

T: okay

X: okay I just wanna let that out. 

T: yun lang.

X: pero happy ako na nagsalita ka. Kase nasa isip ko yun eh pag pinapakinggan ko tong recording. Hindi sha nagsalita. Umoo lang sha ng umoo parang napilitan or siguro kase nahiya dahil may nangyari umoo nalang ng umoo. So okay nako na you gave your words. Yun lang.

T: okay. 

X: Do you have any last message?

T: wala na. 

X: K, end of recording.

Here's My Message To You After All

             

            Finally, I've decided to write to you. So far, I've written 6 entries about you in my infamous blog. There are 3 entries in May and another 3 entries in June. I didn't plan any of those except maybe for May because it was your birthday month so I told myself I'm going to dedicate entries for you. Those entries were all spontaneous out of sheer whim. There were a lot of bursts of emotions triggered by your unstable behavior. There were countless feelings of longing for you or shall I say longing for the illusion you planted in my head. This is my coping mechanism. If you use people or a victim to divert your attention so you can feel better, I, on the other hand, just "write". It's safe. It's not messy. I'm not going to hurt any innocent person and disrupt their peace. It's not going to complicate my life nor any relationship I have with anyone but it still helps me stay sane and it keeps me balanced. Writing empowers me and it enables me to understand how I really feel and see things, people and the situation more clearly. It stabilizes me and it calms me down to a great degree. Now this will be my official message to you-our grand finale.

             I know time will come when we'll get to this point where in we'll have to talk about us again. You will be able to read all the entries I've dedicated to you because I will print all of it and personally hand them to you. Time will come when you're going to spend some time here in my room again and make no mistake, I will play the recorded conversations we had back in 2015 so we can listen to it again together. I recorded two conversations after the tumultuous episode you created between us which is the catalyst of the transformation of our relationship over the years. The regretful night when you decided to have sex with me while I was blacked out and fucked up drunk and stoned then you made yourself and me believe I wanted it too when I don't even understand how two females can have sex. Now I know why we never listened to the audio I recorded 10 years ago (it's 9 years ago today but I'm thinking in the future coz I think we're going to listen to it next year when you're going to be reading this) when I was in New Jersey with you 4 months ago. Today, (when you're reading this which will be next year-2025) is the best time and place for us both to listen to those two audio recordings together. It's the perfect time, indeed, to look back and ruminate on what really happened to us from then to now. Can you imagine it's been a decade?

            I'm not okay Gladys, or maybe I am because I did everything possible to be better and it took years! YEARS, Gladys, not days, not weeks, not months and not just a year nor two, nor three, nor four. It took a bad ass, long, painful, awfully dark, silent and hard time. Now, I think I'm happy and I'm better and stronger but I tremble. I will break if I will be forced to look at my family situation at face value. I won't be able to breathe. It feels like I'm already dead. I will never get over the fact that my very own father single handedly created hell in our very own home. He intricately propagated hatred, grudge and hostility between my siblings and me to a great degree over time. That's all of my three siblings against me. Do you know how twisted that is? I can't even talk about it with anyone because he is my goddamn father! He was my hero. I'm a daddy's girl and this is the price to pay to be the apple of his eye. It kills me to talk about it because they are my motherfucking family! It's the only way how I knew exactly what's going on with you and your ex wife when you reached out to me in October, last year. I'm a victim of a deep, malignant, classic, covert narcissist and both of them are my parents! You know how difficult it will be to make other people understand what I'm talking about. The only people who may be able to understand my situation are the ones with experience from narcissistic abuse and maybe close family and friends who know my family and I, from then to now.

            What happened to me is hard to swallow. I was able to swallow it whole but it changed me. It changed my life. It changed who I am. I don't think I would ever consider getting a full arm tattoo if I didn't go thru all the bullshit. I'm now alone. I have no one with me. All my siblings abandoned me and just decided I don't exist anymore if I won't allow them to persecute me explicitly. Do you know how painful that is? I staggered to pull myself together over the years and the very people I expected to help me get back on my feet are the same people who want to desecrate me instead. It's the most painful of all the pains in this world that it left me stuck. I'm shaken and paralyzed out of disbelief. This is the reality of my life. At this point in time, I've realized that I've already accepted everything and that I've already moved on. I just don't have energy left anymore. What happened to me sucked the life out of me that I can't take anymore pains. I'm good. I no longer have energy for more pains. The love I knew growing up was a lie. My world has become very quiet and most of the time, lonely. But I'd rather have this life than another life where in I'd have to endure more pains from the unknown. At the very least the pains I endure today are from people I love so dearly and that doesn't take away the pain at all. It amplifies it. That's why I say all the time, it feels like I'm already dead. I have already outgrown being tired of taking all the pains that I just want to be quiet. Friends will always be there to make things better but things have changed with time and age. When your very own family abandons you, it will hurt every goddamn second! My only survival is staying high or taking advantage of my fucked up memory. I don't even think I forget anything anymore. It's just that I have to learn how to forget so I can survive and would still choose to go on with my life. This is how I understood why some people end their lives but I'm not suicidal. I'm in love with just life itself! The pleasure and pain is all worth living life to the fullest.

            People tell me I should just leave home, find another place to stay and maybe live a better life. You know what Reena said? Migrating to U.S. to be with you is the easiest thing to do for me. It would look like I'm leaving the country to migrate to U.S. and not because of any family issues. But this is my home and they are my parents. I owe my life to them. I'm comfortable in my own home and I am grateful for the finer things I have. If my very own family, my own blood, my very own father would have the determination, intestinal fortitude and the backbone to drive all my siblings away from me to hate me and hurt me this way just for some silly neurotic, psychotic and narcissistic reasons, and my siblings didn't even dare to give a shit about me, not even one of them dared to ask what's the real deal with me and accepted just one truth that I should be rotting in hell right now, what more can a stranger do? And the most numbing and debilitating question I have which I no longer have energy to ask is, how horrible can I be that I deserve to be a pariah? 

            

                I'd rather have my family hurt me than any stranger or shall I say I'd rather have my family endure my horrifying existence than listen to another stranger tell me they can't handle me anymore. You, yourself told me that, remember? I heard you loud and clear three months ago, on April 17, 2024, one Wednesday after work. The fact is, my very own family walked away from me. There's no better validation of how horrible of a person I am. I don't need anyone else to realize my dirty secret for me and wait for them to walk away from me too just like how you did and all the other men who wanted me at first and then walked away from me too according to you. That's your belief of my experiences with my past suitors, right? It's your narrative, not mine. I told you I will remember every bit of emotion. Thank you for reminding me about how horrible I am like I'm not being reminded about it every day when my siblings are not talking to me while they come up with all their exclusive plans here and there, on a daily basis like I don't exist. Thank you for showing me your true colors amidst your 'ideal lover' role play.

             

                    I also vividly remember that I wasn't doing anything dubious to you then for me to deserve hearing those words from you. I was just trying to justify your rudeness to me then, for your sake, because you were stressing you love me but it's not what you want. You were overreacting and being hostile and too defensive like I'm the one forcing myself with you when you're the one calling and texting non stop. You can't even stand one day without reaching out to me like I'm your property. You were raising your voice and slatting out hurtful comments which pummelled me and I was just playing stupid to still find reasons to condone your behavior. Then you kept telling me how thankful and grateful you are to me? Your narcissism at it's finest.  

             Imagine how I have to manage taking all your bullshit while I'm shaking and trembling with my own personal, real life issues which are not delusional nor self-inflicted just like how yours are, by the way. Imagine how I've already accepted my family situation but I'm still enduring the whiplash. I'm practically paralyzed. You, on the other hand tried to romance, again, at the time of this writing, how many? I bet you're in love again or to everyone's terror, engaged! Jesus Christ, have mercy on your family who loves you deeply. They don't deserve what you're doing to them. On the other hand, it's not like I don't have options right? You were even one them. Pardon me. I was just thinking out loud. I don't mean to hit your ego nor to incite another argument with you. For the love of God, have mercy on me Gladys. I don't know how else shall I tell you for you to understand that I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE BULLSHIT. You can take all your defenses and arguments with you. I'm not interested. You're the perfect one and I'm the horrible one. The fact that I'm now all alone, enduring withdrawal of everyone closest to me is one strong testament that I'm a horrible person. No more arguments. I already lost. You already won. But please quit taking things personally because not everything is about you. For what it's worth, maybe you can consider how psychotic you can come across another person because you certainly did that gracefully with me repetitively. You kept telling yourself we're friends when, not even once, you remembered to ask me how I was doing taking blows from you day by day. It's always about you and your psychotic whims.

                If I never went thru my shit, I can imagine I would've been married and I would've already started a family of my own years ago. That's the life that I've always imagined I would have. But that's not the case because our life doesn't always play out the way we want it to. This is one of the reasons why I appreciated it when you came back. I have a familiar buddy who knows who I am and wants to be with me. You came back a totally different person giving me all the love you have in you and even more. It's like you unmasked your deep desires over me and it freed you. For the first time in our relationship, I saw how real and happy you were considering you were going thru divorce and a nasty break up. It felt like you've already moved on and have forgotten that you're supposed to be grieving because the life that you have with me is what you've been waiting for your entire life. It made me feel alive again. It feels so good to feel loved because I was abandoned by people I love the most. I felt guilty for blocking you in my life because I'm still going thru the pains of abandonment aside from the fact that you made me feel responsible. Pulling you back up is just the right thing to do. It was more of a moral responsibility for me.  Your love and companionship is just a plus and a breather. But it's definitely not for you to hurt me too. I don't even know why you want to hurt me. Are you enjoying it? I no longer have space for that. I always tell you but you don't listen. It's one of the reasons why I never get into a relationship. I can no longer handle getting hurt. My reception to hurtful life experiences have changed that's why I don't want to allow it in my life. I know that I won't be able to handle it anymore so I don't engage in anything that would stimulate any drama in my life. You love drama and hostility is just part of who you are. It's what makes you a female and a deep, malignant narcissist. That's why for me, females are for males and males are for females. It keeps the cosmos balanced. The cacophony you create for being a stone butch lesbian in your mid 40's but is symbolic of a needy, clingy virgin, damsel with long, curly hair and beautiful, mesmerizing eyes in her puberty stage who is crazy to fall madly and deeply in love would make anyone's ears bleed. 

                I felt so happy when you came back but you just made all my pains come back in waves with all the drama you bring with you. You can't even be my friend anymore. I never felt so alone in my entire life. It breaks me that I have to go thru new waves of pains with you when I've done nothing to keep my life peaceful no matter how lonely it has become. You keep telling me you're thankful and grateful to me for helping you rise and waking you up from your delusional misery but honestly, it doesn't feel that way at all! It even feels like there's some bottled up hatred in you towards me for showing me such hostility. Where is all that coming from? After all the emotional abuse I went thru with you, whenever you're trying to be nice, I know it's just a mask behind someone who's just waiting to unleash a rage that is quiet but is always ready to be triggered by your very own delusions of hostility. You should always be responsible for how you act but it's always somebody else's fault with you. Stop blaming me or other people for who you are.

                If you still remember how I tendered to your wounds when you were broken and was a totally different person, I never gave you drama but pure kindness, love and compassion. It's something that I never got when I went thru the rabbit hole of unbearable aches and pains. Seeing you go thru it is heartbreaking so I wanted to resuscitate you. I believe that's exactly what I did. I don't know why you can't do the same for me. You even dared to paint me differently just to make sense of your toxic traits and malevolent mind. Why is it so hard for you to remove drama in your life? I have my own battles too but I never bothered you about it. All I'm asking from you is one thing. Peace and love. Those aren't two things because it goes together. You were able to give me that for a short while. It's the sweetest thing I got from you but why is it so hard for you to keep it? You were still married and your wife then hasn't signed your divorce papers yet when you kept telling me you want someone who loves you, you want to feel loved and you want to be in love. Wasn't that already your then, wife at that time? Haven't you had enough drama in your life? Do you know how sick you sound for having the nerve to tell me you want to be loved, feel loved and be in love that's why you think you're not the one for me when you're still in deep shit with your divorce and credit card debts with your current wife, then? You're the one forcing a relationship between us and not me. All I thought I was doing was being there for you as your friend because you needed help. You're the one who confessed your hidden desires and undying love for me but I never took advantage of you. Ruminating about all the instances when you creatively innovate an argument confirms 'gaslighting' is one of your innate qualities and natural habits. You think everything is about you and how you feel. It doesn't matter to you if your actions will destroy another as long as you're getting something from it. People around you react to how you behave towards them, then you make a fuss about their reaction and it's never your fault. You're like a sinless angel with a halo and an inflated sense of self. You're one classic, deep, malignant, covert narcissist just like my dad. That is just sad.

                You can't tell me you got better. You can't tell me you are. You can't tell anyone that. Maybe you can but the fact that you have to be belligerent about it says how shaken you still are or maybe you're just being the old toxic you. So which is which? Either way needs repair right? I was hoping your experience taught you well but I guess old habits die hard. Healing and progress takes time. It took years with me. What makes you think it's any less with you? Quit with your delusions of grandiose! It just makes you worse than what you actually were. Be humble. Accept defeat. Lose your obsession of taking control. Study the art of stoicism and the dichotomy of control. Stop taking everything personally all the time that you have to take it against you then overreact when it's not necessary. You end up taking things out of context and the interaction with you becomes a series of evolving arguments. It's endless! Not everything is about you. Be truthful to yourself and to other people. You don't have to edit the truth all the time. Just keep it real! If you're not taking anything from anyone nor hurting anyone, I don' see any reason why you have to lie or even pretend or keep things. We're not young anymore. You have the freedom to enjoy life fluidly no matter what the cost. Accept all your flaws. We're all flawed. That's the essence of our humanity. You have the biggest ego and pride on earth and that quality of you just makes you weaker than you actually are. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone but to yourself and you can't brag about yourself to anyone especially to me. Every time you brag about how magnificent you are to anyone, it just makes you a legitimate big black hole! It's the core of your narcissism. If anyone strokes your ego or patronizes you then it's either that person is stupid or that person thinks you're that stupid. Inner strength is cultivated and it takes a very long time. It doesn't happen right after divorce papers are signed.

                I'm writing to you as a friend. I'm your friend who have known you for more than 18 years and would want to believe that you are a good person in spite of all the evil in you that you just love to coddle. I'm not your enemy. We're supposed to be on the same team. I've done nothing but to help you, make you feel loved, show you kindness and compassion in your dimmest days and be a friend to you despite the fact that you have a knack for poisoning our friendship and whatever relationship we can still have. I want to keep you in my life but you're driving me away with your habitual toxic traits so it would be impossible because you choose to be impossible. I won't be able to stand you anymore. You are a contemptible person for doing things that are, to me, unimaginable but then you still had the audacity to accuse me for wanting it because you don't want to be the only one who did. Once again it's not your fault and you think not owning up to what you did will free you of guilt. If that's not pure and deep evil then I don't know what is. Now look at where it got you. 

                To summarize our life, Gladys, it would only be realistically acceptable that you've done those nasty things because you really are in love with me. The peace and love you've given me while you were head over heels in love with me redeemed you. It actually felt real and is pretty much well aligned to how our relationship was ever since we first met. But then you decided it's just your usual love bombing because it's not what you want, right? Just like how you realized that you don't really want that dancer whom you came to Taiwan for. It's going to be a joke of our lifetime if everything you said and did to me was just temporary. And you still want us to be friends after all your infatuation, seduction, lust, love bombing, and manipulation? This is how impossible our relationship have become. It's like you've mastered the playbook on how to emotionally abuse a close friend or any random person you fancy.  I can hear you want to argue about this again and would tell me, "You offered it. We both wanted it." You're right. It's supposed to be mission accomplished for the both of us, right? Maybe we both romanced an illusion you initiated but you being rude, mean and toxic about it was never part of the deal. You were a totally different person when I came up with the idea and my sole purpose was to revive you and for you to see yourself and your life outside the hell you created because you were too lost in it. But definitely not for you to just prey on me then emotionally abuse me after all. Give me a little bit of respect.

                      Remember when I told you, "Pag di mo na ko kailangan, itatapon mo nalang ako." This is exactly what I was talking about. You got better and you just decided you don't want to be in love with me like we're just role playing. Suddenly, I'm just your official shock absorber and you even had the audacity to tell me, "hindi na kita gagamitin." How fucked up is that? I can't tell if you're assuming it's okay with me for you to just use me or you're deliberately being rude to my face telling me you're just using me. Are you just triggering a reaction from me? How do you expect me to still treat you as my friend after doing that and saying that to my face? You said you can teach yourself anything you want as long as you want it right? You knew that it's all in your mind and yet, you navigated it the way you did. After everything I did for you, I'm not even asking you to return the favor but what's with your outright disrespect? What kind of relationship do you think we have? How you treated me which actually came out of your mouth is the direct metaphorical translation of throwing someone like garbage. It's practically and figuratively accurate. It feels accurate. My instincts are always right. I've predicted this will happen from the start and it happened exactly the way I predicted it. This could also be a projection of you trying to protect yourself. It's your defense mechanism for knowing in your heart I'm the one you want to be with after all. It was me. It is me and it will always be me. You think you're fucked because I don't feel the same way and you just want to fuck me over. #ego #pride #insecurity Up to the last minute, I'm still trying to justify your actions and finding reasons to condone your sick behavior.

                Gladys, you single handedly invoked chaos between us the very moment you decided that your lust will slide gracefully with me and then make me believe I wanted the same thing. Now, I'm not even insisting that you have to be in love with me. But whether you like it or not, this is who we are now and I won't be able to accept you anymore if you'd still choose to pretend to be my friend. You already made the decision to throw our friendship away the very moment you crossed that boundary that made us friends. After 5 years, I chose forgiveness, love, peace and companionship with you but apparently, it will never be enough for you. It's like you felt entitled to own me that you were so comfortable hurting me and it hurt so damn bad. Remember when I told you I can't handle any more pains that's why I choose to be just quiet? The loneliness is killing me. But I'd rather be lonely than this. What did I ever do to you for you to treat me this way? Just stop the pretenses! You're clearly not a definition of a friend.

                I'm not like you at all Gladys. I don't have the habit of teaching myself to love just anyone and then unlove the person anytime I feel like it. I don't get in a relationship or try to get in any relationship with several random people like how you do habitually. Your boss, a dancer, your straight old time friend, that aviation girl from California are just some. There's something pathologically wrong with you if you're still doing that in this day and age. I pick my battles and the people who I allow to stay in my life. That has been me from then but I've become even more limited and restricted now. I can no longer tolerate any sort of bullshit. I want to reserve my remaining energy for strictly peace and love. The fact that we went beyond friendship is no joke with me. It's something serious and I can't just erase that in an instant just like how you can. My only advantage here is that I'm heterosexual so I still feel safe with you even if I'm in love with you (or not). You will never be a threat to me just like how men are. The only risk I'm not willing to take with you is to become a victim of your deep, malignant, narcissistic, neurotic, psychotic and toxic character. I've been directly exposed to an environment whom deep, malignant, narcissistic, psychotic and toxic characters thrive my entire life so I just don't see any point, any reason, any rationale, nor any valid justification on why I would still have to go thru any more toxic episodes with anyone else when I'm still enduring the heavy blow whom two major, classic, malignant, overt and covert narcissists parented in my life. The only thing I want to have in my life in this day and age is PEACE and LOVE. Is that too much to ask? Why can't you just do the same? Why is it so hard to do for you? You just can't let go of your old habits, can you? Now, if you decide that everything was just lust and the usual drama you require to be part of your life on your end because that's just who you are, then tell me, how will I still be able to accept you in my life? 

                Well, there's good news for you. You have the freedom to do whatever you want and whatever makes you happy. If I would go scriptural, there are only 5 purposes for living our life:

               1) Worship - to love Him

               2) Discipleship - to be part of His family

               3) Service - to become like Him

               4) Mission - to serve Him

               5) Fellowship - to tell others about Him

                    You should know this if you're really paying attention to the books you're reading or forcing yourself to read. It's from the book, Purpose Driven Life. However, we're not the religious ones right? In our language or in our earthly words, I can interpret it this way. We live to enjoy life and not to endure it. So learn to live happy and learn to come into terms with yourself so you won't have to find happiness somewhere else or from other people. Truthfully foster gratitude, not the superficial one like how you always tell me repetitively. The fact that you emotionally abused me and brought me mental turmoil in return is a red flag. It doesn't feel like you were thankful at all. In fact, there was a lot of grudge and resentment from you. Find happiness in yourself and your life will feel like a free flowing beer even if you're not smoking weed. Get my drift?

Signing off your drama,

Xyra

P.S.

Your drama is officially over for me. So please do me a favor and just keep your drama to yourself and to people who are okay with it because I will never be. I'm done with it. Enough is enough! You can interpret my letter any way you want. Staying out of my life or in it is a choice so better make one but always remember that your narcissism will never work with me because I learned from the original hardcore masters. I still fucking live with them! You will pale compared to them considering you're already the deep and worse kind. I don't allow toxic people in my life anymore because I have a lot of them already. Your drama is off limits.

I know you have a penchant for repeating things over and over again. So whenever you feel like it, feel free to read this as many times as you like in a day. I know it's a very long letter but hey, it's my version of bottled up emotions towards you transcribed into paper peacefully. It's only a short 25 minute read considering it encapsulated just a few of the erratic episodes you can be capable of from a looking glass of my life's battlefield. Mind you, it's already Part 2. Part 1 ended 6 years ago. Say hello (or good bye) to our second chance! Here's to hoping there's no Part 3. Enjoy your life. That's what I've been trying to do and I would greatly appreciate it if you let me enjoy mine too, peaceful and without your drama. Thanks for the love and have fun!

Lose the bullshit. I know how much you love it. Grow up!

You Will Never Be My Friend

Not anymore.

        

            I need you now. I badly need a friend right now. Someone who knows what's going on in my life whom I can talk to. Someone whom I can breathe out my pains and my hurts and validate it. I expected you to be here with me like how I was there with you as your friend when you were drowning. But I can't even reach out to you because things are now different with you. Things are always becoming complicated with you even if it's not. You have a penchant for making a mess about things which are not even supposed to be messy but with you, straightaway, it's a big issue. I was there for you when you were at your weakest so you told me I can count on you too but we both know that's just lip service.

            I can no longer rely on you to be just my friend. I can't count on you anymore. This is one clear proof that it's no longer possible. I know I can just call you to talk and you will make yourself available for me no matter what. But I know something isn't going to be right again. I can imagine, in the course of time, how you will undoubtably take all the possible chances to rub it in my face that I reached out to you this one time and blame me for things that are not even an issue but it suddenly is because that's just you. You refuted yourself when you said that you will never bother me again, that you've already sent your last message and that you'll never call me again to converse. You still do regularly message me and call me and in each instance you never failed to show me your awkward energy. I never taunted you about it because you were already awkward the whole time we were in contact so it will be redundant for me to still verbalize the obvious. I never rubbed it in your face but I know that you won't think twice to rub it in my face if in case I do reach out to you this one time because that's just who you are. Considering I don't even need to avoid you because I appreciate the fact that you're around. You're not a threat to me because I see you as my friend just like the old times. You're the one who needs regulation.

                You see, you left me this kind of memoir of you-the mean, rude, toxic and hostile one. It would've been better if you left me the suppressed, unparagoned and once in a lifetime facet of you that was full of love and admiration. I have never felt so alone in my entire life and remembering that person who was compassionate, empathetic and full of love, passion and desires over me would make my life bearable. No matter what you say, it's still who you are. You know it and I know it. But being the lean, mean, deep, malignant narcissist that you are, your imagined fears and insecurities got the best of you. It may be possible that one facet of your character, the righteous one, is remorseful of the fact that the ideal lover facet that you were romanticizing in front of me is just an illusion that your narcissistic habits were so used to pulling so I'd fall for you and you can escape the part where you have to be alone. You were seducing me by fabricating a fantasy, everything that I could ever want while I was drowning. Now, the real question is, what kind of a despicable person would do that?

              

                       We can never save our friendship because you're already at the point of no return. You know it and I know it. We can be married but we can never be just friends. I'm saying it casually because you are female like I am and you're my friend. It's the hetero in me and that's the truth. If I'm being delusional, then why can't you be a real good friend and hook me up with your cousin? Him and I are both at the right age to settle down, we want the same things in life, like to start a family and have kids, he's a man and I'm a woman. You know that our personalities will compliment each other, so why not? I thought you're my friend? You and I, were never in a relationship in the first place. I was only being a friend to you that's why I offered to help. We're supposed to be friends, remember? Have you forgotten? I remember how you kept telling yourself we're friends but it doesn't really feel like it if this is the case.

                Now, I understand why you always become too emotional, too dramatic and hostile in all random scenarios. You already know it in your heart and it kills you to realize your truth but you just can't do anything about it because you're already there and it is what it is! While I, on the other hand was oblivious all along. I just get stressed out with you because to me, you are overacting, exaggerated or you're just being the same old toxic you. Now, I understand why. Pardon me for just realizing this now. By now, I know it's not going to be right for me to see right thru you and then tell you all about it because this is exactly what captivated you.  God knows I'm not doing it to ensnare you because I'm not like you. It's something that I happen to do naturally and it mystifies me as to how. Plus, I'm not desperate to be with someone to love me, to feel loved or to be in love. That's you! I'm pretty much comfortable being solo. I'm happy being single and I value my freedom like it's a blessing. I'm in control of my life but I'm not a control freak like you.

               You know I love you and I've already accepted who you are. You're already past condemnation with me. In fact, I'm open to be your shotgun rider til the day I die. Once I decide to be with you, it's going to be final and we're not going to be just friends anymore. There's no turning back. It's a choice of a lifetime. But right now, I'm not making that choice yet. I'm giving myself a chance to have the life that I've been dreaming of so when 'us' happens, I won't have any regrets and I will never look back.

Why am I saying this? Why am I romanticizing the illusion that you planted in my head?

                Because no matter what you say, I already lost you as my friend and this is the only way to have you back. Whether you like it or not, this is our reality now.  You can pretend to be my friend but you're so bad at it you can't even keep up. I guess we'll always find ways to keep our distance or should I say, I will always find ways to keep my distance because you can't seem to handle it if you don't hear anything from me for a long time. You think I don't know that? Based on your track record, your maximum is 12 days. Don't you think we're too old for this kind of bullshit? I don't know about you but it's sophomoric to me.

                This is one of those times when I feel so alone and hurt that I consider romancing the possibilities of a lifetime with you just to escape my pains. I'm sure you can relate because you used to have no idea how to handle being alone. I'm glad you're learning and getting better at it now. It's going to be frustrating but not surprising to find out you're using somebody again. With what I'm going thru, I could just latch on to you so my pains won't be amplified but I'm definitely not like you. Ruminating on it would convince me that there's something pathologically wrong with you.

                

                    The life you showed me that we can have was and still is very alluring and tempting. It's wickedly appalling to realize how you used every chance you got to seduce me from start to end. Your habitual manipulative character glaringly manifested and you showed me things I haven't seen in you before. I can tell you also realize that you haven't done that before with anyone else.          

                     Once again, you will never be my friend. Not anymore. I guess I just have to get used to being trivial and superficial with you moving forward. Unless you stop pretending and start to become real with me. It's all up to you. You're the one creating your life and the people around you. One thing for sure is that I can't stand you anymore. I can't stand you being mean to me. I can't stand your rudeness. I can't stand your hostility. We both know the reason why you behave that way with me and you will never become my friend again. 

                 I can imagine how you would want to argue about this again and insist that you really see me as your friend and there's nothing more. You weren't yourself but now you're starting to get back to yourself and things will be different. If that's your case and point, then you have just officially confirmed how despicable of a person you can become. You went to great lengths to make me fall for you. You were actually forcing a romantic relationship between us and that statement is not an exaggeration. This is the truth that I saw in you. I haven't even taken into account the truth behind the version that you were parading in front of me. What's your narrative about me with your family? With your friends? The great lengths that you have to go thru with yourself, with other people and with me to make me believe something which isn't supposed to be real is beyond acceptable. It's evil! That would just make you beyond a narcissist but a psychopath! Whether you are really, truly, deeply madly in love with me or not at all, either way makes you a contemptible person. If it's the former then you're a liar and a pretentious, hypocritical, fake friend. If it's the latter then you are psycho! So which route are you going for now?

                    I can no longer pretend that I don't see right thru you. The truth of the matter is, I naturally do. It's going to be really hard for me to not be real with you. I won't be able to stand your pretenses. Not anymore. So I guess this is really good bye my ex-friend. It's not the end but til I see you again.

While Your Energy Emanates Survival Mode, You'll Be ON MUTE

     

                   This is when I started to understand how you said that you can no longer see me as just your friend and that you can't go back to the way we were.

"It feels so right to say the word I love you with you because I know I've always been in love with you and I always will. Hindi na magbabago yun." 

            These are all your words. You were still married when you confessed all your bottled in feelings towards me. It felt accurate to say the least because you've manifested it and I've felt it from you ever since we first met 18 years ago. It felt accurate every time you give me an attitude because you're not getting what you expected of me. It felt accurate when I woke up one day and something had already happened between us without my conscious knowledge. It felt accurate every time we fight whenever I tell you about guys hitting on me or that one guy courting me because you find him ugly. It felt accurate when I blocked you because you were insisting I really wanted to have sex with you and that I liked it but in reality, you took advantage of me when I was fucked up drunk and stoned. It felt unquestionably accurate when I learned that you got married. It felt unequivocally accurate when you finally confessed all your suppressed feelings towards me that I didn't have to pretend that I'm surprised.

            I'll be completely honest and say that it feels so good to be loved the way you do. Imagine your world getting shattered just because I was no longer by your side. You empowered me. We reunited and I was able to pull you out from that hell you created when you lost me. You made me feel responsible. I wanted to appreciate you and the fact that we were able to salvage our friendship. You fell in too deep because you were at your weakest and you saw how I genuinely wanted to help you. In spite of my debilitating predicament, I would never want to take advantage of you. You saw how I trembled and I could barely breathe. I could've just latched on to you for my own survival but I  allowed you to find yourself because it's the right thing to do. I want to see you beyond all your turmoil and toxic nature. I need you to come back to the real you.

            Now that you're getting there, you have become really stressful to me. How I wish you were a completely different person who just appreciates the good things and would never find fault in others and blame others for things that are happening to your life. You tried to reverse how you really feel for me but your energy is screaming you're in survival mode. I can see right thru you and it feels like I can almost hear what you're saying in your head that I have to resist responding to it. It's hard to impede the clear vision you emit. Sometimes, I cringe when I see your face. I can't even tell if you're doing it on purpose to make it so evident to me or you're totally unaware. It's crystal clear like a text in bold and all caps.

           

            God knows how mystified I am that I can see right thru you. There isn't even a question in my mind about what I see. You're like a program that feeds data in my psyche thus the accuracy is unparalleled.  You're even waiting for confirmation if your processor would be acceptable to me or not because all you are waiting for is to get synched. Maybe that's why your energy is in survival mode every time we connect. The sight of me weakens you because all you want is to hold me back in your arms but you can't. You're not even allowed to admit anything anymore because your ego forced you to slat out hurtful words towards me so you can save your pride. Apparently, it means that much to you. Now you can't just take it back in an instant or you'll run the risk of being hilariously, pathetically and ridiculously pitiful!

        

            You have to live in pretense around me. You can't be real but every moment weakens you. Thus, you energy is emanating in survival mode.

              

              This has a negative impact on me though, that's why I'm writing this entry and making this my official action plan. I have to set my boundaries. I think I've done more than enough for you for me to deserve any more negativity from you. Enough is enough. I already blurred the lines once so I can help you breathe freely but not for you to blame me for the negative things that are happening to you. You keep telling me you're grateful and you're thankful for what I did but your actions speak louder than words. For the record, I never really felt that you were sincerely thankful and grateful to me. In fact, there's a certain cryptic energy you project that is screaming I owe you one. There is hostility in you towards me that I can't seem to figure out where it's coming from. Why are you so mad? What did I ever do to tick you off? What am I triggering you for? I can't seem to point my fingers at it but you have this certain vibe saying I owe you one.  Your energy is screaming something else. You're not being real. No matter how hard you try to quell your emotions, I can feel your hostility in every single encounter we have after you decided to keep your distance so you won't be able to toxify me with all your drama. No matter how hard you try to hide and suppress it, you still eject it. I don't understand how and why you can still do that when I thought I only did what's best for you. So does that equate to you being thankful and grateful? Why are you all over the place whenever we reconnect? You send me messages then you delete them even though I've read all of them. You tell me you won't bother me anymore but you still call me again and again for no reason. You will call me and have friendly conversations with me and then will ask me if there's anything else that we need to talk about before we hang up. Then you have to make up silly justifications on why you have to call me because you feel the need to do so. How awkward is that? I don't even feel like I'm still talking to my friend. It's like your guards are up and you're always defensive for some cryptic reason. I bet you have no clue but these are your projections whenever we have moments together. Imagine, it's not even in person.

                

                I can no longer take any more bullets for you. I've done it once and I thought it should be enough. What more do you want from me? This is when I draw the line. I can no longer continue having any conversation with you because every single one leads to negativity. Of all the people I still have a relationship with, you're the one and only person who still does that. I've already cut off all the negative people in my life. You're the only one remaining in it who is consistently negative. You try to be positive but it never lasts. So there's nothing left for me to do next but to cut you off as well. I know I already did that once and after 5 years, it only led to you, confessing your true love and desires towards me. That's the reason why I know I can't do it again. I regret the aftermath in your life after I completely removed you in mine. So I'm not going to do that this time around. 

        

                I'm going to keep you in my life but I'm going to mute you. It will deprive you of all the possible opportunities to still infect me of your toxic nature. There's nothing more we need to continue talking about, right? You're doing better. I'm living my life the same way. We're a thousand miles apart. So why do we still need to continue communication when I know you're only waiting for your moment to retaliate. I know in my heart I did nothing to hurt you. I only wanted to help you and get you back to your true self. I did exactly that even though while in the process, you didn't think twice to hurt me. In fact, it felt like you've been waiting for so long to hurt me because it hurt so bad. There's nothing more I can do for you. I can be a friend to you but you will never be a friend to me. You will always have a reason to argue with me. You will always have a reason to feel offended by me and to offend me. But I will never close my doors to you. I will just mute you. 

               When the time comes that you decide to admit defeat the second time around, when you finally decide to stop lying to yourself, stop living a lie and accept your truth, then I guess that's the time when we need to have that long awaited conversation. That's the time when the dancing stops while on mute because we need to turn on real music. Finally, we will reach the point where in we would need to make some real, drastic and final changes to our lives. I'll be expecting a grand proposal. Until then..

June: A Deadline To My Musings

                It's the last month of the first half of the year. I'm giving myself until this month to muse and mope about true love that I may have had savored at the start of the year. But then I had to walk away, move on and let go. May it be as brief as it was, I know it was real because I felt it within the depth of my core. It was pure seduction that it was so hard to let go. It's real and it will never be over but it's a choice I have to make. It felt so good that I would give anything to feel it again because of where I stand in my life right now. 

                I never felt so alone in my entire life. 

                Someone whom I knew from my youth confessed a true love that yearns for me, desires me and is always longing for my love. It's everything I could ask for from a lifetime partner. The bonus is that someone is from my youth that it feels so safe and familiar. We grew up together and shared the same experiences over the years. May it be awful or awesome experiences, we lived it and loved it because it made us who we are today. That's how I knew it was real. Someone who would go crazy over me and would do anything to be with me, to make me a wife, build a life with me and make me a lifetime partner is like the archetype of a soulmate. It's an illusion you used to endlessly seduce me and confuse me to achieve your gains. Personally, it's like I'm being offered a brand new home since subliminally, I already lost my home. It's everything that I have been waiting for in this phase of my life but there will be no fruition. I will have to keep that illusion afloat to maintain a life with you which will be ironic because I repel false realities. All my life I have kept it real even if I got a lot of hate from it. It's the last thing that I would need and at the end of the day, it's not a life that I want. It's not the life that I can imagine I will have. 

                   A number of times, I had the urge to reach out and just allow myself to gallop in the inertia of romantic bliss, bask in your intoxicating passion which numbs me and renders me paralyzed of euphoric energy. It would be galvanizing to imagine the paradise that we could realize blissfully all the way but the reality of the matter is that deep down in my core, I know what I really want and I know what I need in this lifetime. I need a man and not a woman. It's something that I don't have to think twice about. I can't force something that is not me. Only a man can stimulate me basically, physically, mentally, spiritually, figuratively, practically and literally. I gave this supposed love life a chance. From the bottom of my heart, I attempted to live it and love it but it was awfully hard for me. I was deceiving myself all the way that I did everything possible to stay high while at it. I know that I won't be able to sustain it at this time. Maybe I can but I would know that deep within my core, something is not right. It's unnatural which absolutely will never be me.

                It would be unfair to reach out to you and tell you how much I love you because I really do. I only want the best for you and I don't even need anything in return. I want you to be happy like you are a part of me that I've always had and will always want to have with me. It would be unfair to keep you with me because I know you're not the one who could really make me happy. Though I know that you want me to be your only happiness and I can just be, but it's not fair to me. You are one of my closest and oldest friend that you're like family. It felt so good to have you back as my companion. However, you opened the Pandora's box. We all know that once opened, we just have to keep the Pandora's box open because there's no turning back.

                        

                    I only have until this month to savor the memories and the musings because when the second half of the year begins, my true love will flourish. True romance will be abundant. I have to give way and enough space to the life I have always imagined.  The life that I have always wanted. The man for me and I am for him. Though you were able to blur that dream really well, I have faith and I'm still hoping to achieve this dream. There is a certain synchronicity that I find in our life experiences. My trauma have already blurred the life that I have been dreaming of then you came at a time where I need to realize my reality has already changed. You want to seal the deal but I'm still holding on to that dream.

                Maybe when the time comes that I will finally decide to let go of my dream and you are still there waiting for me, trying to maintain that illusion you injected in our lives, then I'll openly accept my fate with you because this only means one thing. You are my destiny and our lives are still being woven together today. Today is part of our journey to forever.

                    But now, I have to savor the present, live in the moment, embrace today because now is the only time that I can dawdle about looming possibilities of romantic bliss with you. Today is mine to live and I will live it in love with you even if it's just an illusion because tomorrow is going to be different.

My Final Decision Concludes

            I regret that we have reached an impasse.

            I stand by my word because I am what I am.

            I can't force something that is not me.

            I love you but you're not the one I need and want. 

            I'd give anything to have you back but I know I'm just going to force myself in the long run. There is an illusion I unconsciously create out of emptiness. I'm shaking and I'm barely breathing behind my iron mask while you passionately wrap your arms around me with all your heart and with all of you. You poured everything out with all the grit in you and filled my cup with every bit of you. It feels so good that I don't want you to let go.

                But it's not going to be fair to me.

            Love is a decision. I can decide to love you with all my heart and soul and make no mistake, I will make you the happiest person alive. Just a glimpse of our paradise drove you wild. Damn right, I'll give you your paradise. I can give it all and be with you til the end but I'm only going to hurt myself. It's not me. I will suffer. It's not what makes me happy. I can deal with that but it's not fair to me.

            We did the dry run. I tried to deceive myself the whole time and I did everything I can to stay high because it was awfully hard for me. I was faking to be accepting of everything because I was tendering to your wounds. Maybe I allowed it to push me to the edge so I can relieve myself of my debilitating predicament too. It's my version of that thing you call 'diversion'. It distracted me from my amplified pains. I guess my life experience have made me become totally fucked up. For the life of me, I always imagined my future to be with my husband and kids. I never imagined I'd consider settling down but not with a man. I never asked for this paralysis but it's what I'm dealing with. As a matter of fact, we won't be able to have what we have now if I didn't get fucked up this way. I know how God works mysteriously. He was able to show me how he made miracles in my life in a multitude of ways and innumerable times. In fact, it feels like He intricately weaved strips of both our times, life events and life experiences so He can intertwine both our lives fluidly and permanently. Just a decade ago I was certain I want to walk down the aisle and make my dad cry but how come it feels different now? It feels like I can almost cringe at the idea. Somehow, it feels like we're both at a point of no return. Maybe our traumas are teaching us to settle with companionship, embrace peace and make love as our only truth. 

        From the bottom of my heart, I genuinely wanted to help you. That was my sole purpose and I did exactly that. I'm happy to pull you out of the hell that you created. I can't bear seeing what you have become especially when I know that I'm the only one who can bring you back. Seeing you again with your world shattered into pieces just because I'm no longer by your side swept me off my feet. I won't be able to forgive myself if I allowed someone who loves me the way you do to be doomed just because I abandoned you. I was abandoned too and I know how it feels. No one deserves that kind of pain. Even if you did a number on me, you did not deserve that pain. Nobody does! It's absolutely one of your self-inflicted miseries simply because of your toxic nature and the kind of person you are but without a blink of an eye, I will take the bullet for you. I'll do anything to bring you back and I did. I don't need anything from you. All I need is to see you whole again. You will never be able to help me. No one can! You just made me realize what I want and don't want in my life and the person that I have become today. This is me now. This is who I am. 

        

              I may be fucked up like this but love is still in my heart. I still have hopes that I'll find the man for me and that man will find me. Maybe not today but it will happen when I'm ready.

            

            God knows how much it hurts me to let you go. I want to sway with the music with you but maybe because I'm just broken and alone today. When time heals all my pains and when I gather the strength to move forward, I'd be standing up straight and walk my path the same way again. I don't want to leave you behind. I'd rather have you walking with me as my confidant, my partner, my companion and my best friend. We'll be dancing in the waves til our truths align. Til then..

FORTY DAYS 2024

DAY 1: April 18, Thursday 8:45am - 9:03am (worship 18 min) -11am (2hrs & 15 min)

DAY 2: April 19, Friday 10:29am - 11:16am (47 min)

DAY 3: April 20, Saturday 1:07pm-1:53pm (46 min)

DAY 4: April 21, Sunday 11:07am-11:30am (23 min prayers & idle) -11:49am (19 min) = 42min

DAY 5: April 22, Monday 12:37am-12:52a (15 min)

Lord God, I offer all my musings to You Father. Heal my confused mind. Heal my bleeding heart. I surrender all my chaos to You God Father. Stay with me Father. Your PEACE is all I ask. "My bleeding heart" no longer feels right. Your healing brought me peace. My will to be at your will healed me. I'm no longer bleeding. I'm just waiting for my eternal paradise to unfold.  1:53am (1 hr and 16min)\

DAY 6: April 24, Wednesday 5:56a-6:02a (6 min) -6:20am (18min) = 24min

DAY 7: 6:20AM-6:44a (24min)

"God will give you what you need if you will just make the choice to live for him."

Right now, God is inviting you to live for his glory by fulfilling the purposes he made you for. It's really the only way to live. Everything else is just existing. Real life begins by committing yourself completely to Jesus Christ.

DAY 8: April 25, Thursday 6:10am-6:22am (12min) - 6:37am (27 min)

DAY 9: April 27, Saturday 7:24am-8:34am (1hr)

LORD I CAN'T SHAKE THE FEELING! I NEED SOMEONE TO BE WITH. MY COMPANION. MY HUSBAND. MY LIFE PARTNER. MY OTHER HALF. LORD I HAVE FAITH IN YOUR PLANS. 

God's Direct ANSWERS:

"Trusting God completely means having faith that he knows what is best for your life. You expect Him to keep His promises, help you with problems and do the impossible when necessary."

DAY10:  April 28, Sunday 8:42am-9:25am (33min)

The HEART of WORSHIP is SURRENDER

Victory comes through surrender. Surrender doesn't weaken you; it strengthens you. Surrendered to God, you don't have to fear or surrender to anything else.

Surrendering your life is not a foolish emotional impulse but a rational, intelligent act, the most responsible and sensible thing you can do with your life.                     

                                                                                                     (59 min)

DAY 11: April 28, Sunday 9:48pm-10:47pm (2hrs and 34min) -12:22am (1hr & 35min)

Teach me to abide in you. To hear your voice all around me.

DAY 12: April 29, Monday 5:44am-6:18am (34min) 7:15am (57min) = 1hr & 31min

Here's my life Lord. Speak what is true. Thank you for giving me this clarity. I'm alone again. Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to you. I will wait on you. You will fight my battles. All I need is to stay still.

Tell God exactly how you feel:

Lord God, I feel very frustrated, lonely & almost desperate. I've been waiting for a very long time and I've been asking for the same thing from you since time immemorial. I'm still alone watching everyone around me get into serious relationships, nurture it for years, settle down, get married, build a family, start new chapters of their lives. While I stay grounded, in a very slow pace, stuck just watching everyone. It's very frustrating Lord. 

49min 

IDLE (1 hr & 11min)

DAY 13: April 30, Tuesday 6:29am-7:19am (49min) -8:29am (2hrs)

DAY 14: May 1, Wed 6:12am - 7:09am (57min)

Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to You.

DAY 15: May 2, Thurs 6:13am - 6:50am (37min) - 7:35am (48min) = 1 hr & 22min

DAY 16: May 3, Fri 8:19am - ? - 9:44am-9:48am =1 hr & 25min

DAY 17: May 4, Sat 6:26pm-7:19pm (1hr & 25min) - 8:11pm (meditation)

3hr & 45min 10:11pm-11:14pm (20min) focused 52 min

DAY 18: May 5, Sun 5:40a-6:16a (36min) - 6:58am (42min) = 1 hr 18 min

DAY 19: May 6, Mon 5:55am-6:21am (26min) - 7:21am (1hr & 26min)

I will build my life upon your love. It is a firm foundation. I will put my trust in you alone & I will not be shaken.

DAY 20: May 7, Tues 6:07am-6:31am (24min) - 7:28am (57min)

Relationships are always worth restoring because life is all about learning how to love. God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt or a conflict. (1hr & 13 min)

DAY 21: May 8, Wed 6:17a-6:49a (32min) - 7:30am (1hr & 13min)

Personal Assessment 10 DAYS

Is something still standing your way? If so, what will you do differently to overcome it?

She's bothering me. What happened to us is always on my mind. I know it's killing her to her core. She reached out to me Monday morning. She can't help it. I know. Because it's bothering me as well. Moving forward I will remove any attachment I have with her. It's over! Until she admits defeat ->That she's still head over heels 'still' in love with me. Til then, I'd talk to her again. 

In retrospect, she doesn't really need to admit anything I guess. Her actions speak louder than I ever expected. All her gestures raise the white flag. She's already there, still there, and at a point of no return. She can't go back. We both can't go back. We can pretend to just be indifferent to keep things stable and status quo but her energy will speak for herself and I will still be able to hear it loud and clear.

And here goes my cognitive dissonance..

Dear God,

Please give me a vision of what my life will be like as I become what you have planned for me. 

WRITE IT DOWN BELOW AS SOON AS REVEALED.

DAY 22: May 9, Thur 6:09a - 6:46a (37min) -7:19a (36min) = 1hr & 13 min

I don't deserve your love Father but you love me all the way. Thank you for filling me with your love. I feel complete already. Lead me to your plans for me Lord. Prepare me to be ready for my other half's ever lasting love. My forever. Equip me to be ready for the next chapter of my life.

* I must make a counter culture decision to focus on becoming more like Jesus. Otherwise, other forces like peers, parents, coworkers & culture will try to mold you into their image.

DAY 23: May 10, Fri 6:32a-7am (28min) - 7:22am (50min)

Lord God Father, give me grace and the will and the strength to settle down with a man you picked for me. I pray that you give me the passion tantamount to his that we unite in Your name. It will be fluid that we get the message that it's Your will.

DAY 24: May 11, Sat 7:31am - 8am (29min) - 8:34am (34min) = 1hr & 3min

DAY 25: May 12, Sun 5:55am-6:28am (33min)

It is vital that you stay focused on God's plan, not your pain or problem.

"If we share his glory, we must also share his suffering. What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will give us later."

Rejoice in the Lord always.

Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to You.

DAY 26: May 13, Mon 5:34am-6:20am (46min) -6:58 (38min) = 1hr & 24min

I'm feeling empty since earlier. Depression is creeping in I guess. There's just no one to talk to or connect with. It's like dopamine is no where to be found. I've no energy to make myself excited or crave for anything. Like what for? Food will make me fat & will ruin my flow. I'm not even hungry. What just happened? I thought I got everything handled the right way. It's been a while since I last felt this.

Stay with me Lord. Be my light. I belong to You.

Holy Spirit please come to me! LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS & SELF-CONTROL

DAY 27: May 14, Tues 6:15a-7:18a (distractions) -7:31a (prayer)-8:03a (32min)

I know there is PEACE in Your presence (1hr & 3min) 45min

DAY 28: May 15, Wed 7:59a-8:05a (6min)-8:40a (35min) =41min

We arrive at real maturity - that measure of development which is meant by the 'fullness of Christ.' Christlikeness is your eventual destination, but your journey will last a lifetime.

This journey involves: believing (through worship), belonging (through fellowship) & becoming (through discipleship)

DAY 29: May 16, Thur 6:22am-7:10am (48min) -7:57a (47min) 1 hr & 35 min

You pulled me from darkness and clothed me in garments of praise.

DAY 30: May 17, Fri 6:26a-7:28a (1hr & 2min)

STAY WITH ME LORD BE MY LIGHT I BELONG TO YOU. LEAD ME TO YOUR PLANS I SURRENDER EVERYTHING TO YOU THY WILL BE DONE AS YOU PREPARE MY OTHER HALF FOR ME & ME FOR HIM. THANK YOU FATHER. ALL GLORY AND HONOR TO YOU LORD GOD MY SAVIOR.

DAY 31: May 18, Sat 6:04a-6:49a (45min)

THANK YOU LORD. I'M OVERWHELMED WITH YOUR GRACE. I DON'T DESERVE YOU BUT YOU NEVER ABANDONED ME. LEAD ME TO YOUR GRACE. I WILL ALWAYS FOLLOW YOU FATHER. NEVER LET ME GO FATHER. I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE. SAY WITH ME LORD. BE MY LIGHT. I BELONG TO YOU +

DAY 32: May 19, Sun 8:15a-8:45a (30min) - 9:25a (40 min) = 1hr & 10min

DAY 33: May 20, Mon 5:57a -6:53a (56min) -7:19a (26min = 1hr & 22min

DAY 34: May 21, Tues 6:20a - 6:47a (27min) - 7:36a (49min) = 1 hr & 16min

If you're going to be a servant, you must settle your identity in Christ. Only secure people can serve. Insecure people are always worrying about how they appear to others. They fear exposure of their weaknesses & hide beneath layers of protective pride & pretenses.

DAY 35: May 22, Wed 6:07a-6:23a (16min) 6:48a-7:21a (33min) =49min

God purposely chose... what the world considers weak in order to shame the powerful.

We are more likely to be compassionate & considerate of the weaknesses of others. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.

God gives grace to the humble but many misunderstand humility. Humility is not putting yourself down or denying your strengths, rather it is being honest about your weaknesses. Pretentiousness repels but authenticity attracts & vulnerability is the pathway to intimacy.

DAY 36: May 23, Thur 6:15a-6:55a (40min) - 7:39a (44min) = 1hr &24min

If you will commit to fulfilling your mission in life no matter what it costs, you will experience the blessing of God in ways that few people ever experience.

DAY 37: May 24, Fri 6:23a-6:42a (19min) break 12min 6:54a-7:42a = 1hr & 17min

The good news shows how God makes people right with himself - that it begins & ends with faith.

DAY 38: May 24, 8:54p-9:45p (1hr & 9min) - 10:37p (52min) = 2hrs & 1min

>To make the most of your time on earth, you must maintain an external perspective. This will keep you from majoring on minor issues and help you distinguish between what's urgent and what's ultimate. 

"We fix our eyes on what's seen, but on what is unseen is eternal."

"Overwhelm me with your glory, I surrender."

>Our greatest lessons come out of pain. God keeps a record or our tears.

Who am I to deny what the Lord can do? All it takes is nothing.

DAY 39: May 26, Sun 6:38a-6:44a (6min) 7:15a-8:22a =1hr & 13min

Don't let the errors of evil people lead you down the wrong path & make you lose your balance. 

Our minds are sharpened and our convictions are deepened through conversation.

The bible says: "Encourage each other and give each other strength."

"Test yourselves to make sure you are solid in faith. Don't drift along taking everything for granted. Give yourselves regular check ups... Test it out. If you fail the test, do something about it."

For our spiritual health, you need to regularly check the five vital signs of worship, fellowship, growth in character, ministry and mission.

Jeremiah advised, "Let's take a good look at the way we're living and reorder our lives under God."

Paul urged, "Let your enthusiastic idea at the start be equaled by your realistic action now."

Bible: "It's crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we've heard so that we don't drift off." We remember what we record.

2Peter 3:17

DAY 40: May 27, Mon 6:06a-6:43a (37min) - 7:55a 1hr & 12 min, 1 hr & 49min

>When God's at the center, you worship. When he's not, you worry. The moment you put him back at the center, you will have peace again. The Bible says, "A sense of God's wholeness... will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

It's easy to drift away from what matters most and slowly get off course. To prevent this, you should develop a purpose statement for your life and then review it regularly.

>Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

LIFE PURPOSE STATEMENT - statement that points the direction of your life.

Writing down your purposes on paper will force you to think specifically about the path of your life.

-a statement that defines "success" for you

-a statement that clarifies your roles

-a statement that expresses your shape

    >reflects the unique ways God made you to serve him.

LIFE'S FIVE GREATEST QUESTIONS

1) What will be the center of my life? (worship)

2) What will be the character of my life? (discipleship) -PAGE 315 TOP PART

3) What will be the contributioin of my life? (service) -PAGE 315 MID PART

4) What will be the communication of my life? (mission)

5) What will be the community of my life? (fellowship)

5 PURPOSES HE CREATED US FOR or 5 PURPOSES FOR YOUR LIFE:

1) TO LOVE HIM (WORSHIP)

He made you to be a member of his family.

2) TO BE PART OF HIS FAMILY (DISCIPLESHIP)

A model of his character.

3) TO BECOME LIKE HIM (SERVICE)

A magnifier of his glory.

4) TO SERVE HIM (MISSION)

A minister of his grace.

5) TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT HIM (FELLOWSHIP)

A messenger of his Good News to others.

*BE ready at all times to answer anyone who asks you to explain the hope you have in you, but do it with gentleness and respect. The best way to "be ready" is to write out your testimony and then memorize the main points. Divide it into four parts:

1. What my life was like before I met Jesus.

2. How I realized I needed Jesus.

3. How I committed my life to Jesus.

4. The difference Jesus made in my life.

Of course you have many other testimonies besides your salvation story. You have a story for every experience in which God has helped you. You should make a list of all the problems circumstances and crisis that God has brought you through. Then be sensitive and use the story that your unbelieving friend will relate to best. Different situations call for different testimonies.

Your life message includes your life lessons. The second part of your life message is the truths that God has taught you from experiences with him. These are lessons and insights you have learned about God, relationships, problems, temptations, and other aspects of life.

A few questions to jog your memory and get you started.

>What has God taught me from failure?

>What has God taught me from lack of money?

>What has God taught me from pain or sorrow or depression?

>What has God taught me through waiting?

>What has God taught me through illness?

>What has God taught me from disappointment?

>What have I learned from my family, my church, my relationships, my small group, and my critics?