When Silence Hurts

I cannot fathom the depth of hatred I take from the supposedly most important people in my life.  I need to understand how rotten I am that I get pushed away to oblivion so hard and so far here in my own home.

That's never enough for you that you have to build an invisible wall.

It's hard to believe that an invisible wall can get so noisy that its screams keep me up all night and my ears cry blood.  It doesn't matter how tender my wounds are.

You want to just bleed me dry?
How harsh can you get? 

I'd rather be a fugitive because a fugitive is 'wanted'.
I am an outcast in my own home.
What did I ever do to make my family hate me so much?
I get despised and I get castigated with sins I'm not even aware of.
And I am the only person guilty?
Really?
How can this be?

When will this silent war ever end?

My own family look down on me with hateful and judging eyes, unforgiving of all things about me.  It's all shame and contempt for me that there's no way out.  This is my reality.  This is what I have to deal with while I have to fight a mental illness.  Family choose to nullify the illness and resign to the premise that evil within me is damaging everyone around me.

To the most important people in my life-my family, there is no such thing as 'mental illness'.  It's just an excuse I make up to get away with murder.

Sometimes I wish I am guilty of murder.  Maybe it will ease the pains that I take daily.  Maybe it will justify the fact that I get so much hate and that I deserve it.  All the hatred towards me will finally make sense because I am the real and certified villain of our story. 

I wish I am guilty, indeed! 
Maybe, silence won't hurt after all.

D.A.B.D.A.

April 8, 2020 Wednesday Night (time unk)

The first tearful night when self-actualization occurs to my mental and physical entity that the one and only prospective and suspected boyfriend, partner, fiance, groom and/or husband-to-be at this time and space dumped me more than 3 weeks ago (23 nights ago to be exact) for the mere reason that if the 2 of us will just be fighting in this relationship that we both decided to be in because of some strong spiritual, emotional and physical connection, it's better to just break up.  Whoops!  These are words coming from the "man" in this supposed relationship.  At the very least he didn't leave me hanging.  It was rather abruptly quick and I guess "certain" is the word I'm looking for!

Self-Actualization is defined as the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.  

It's very exhausting to realize that I am back in the dating game.  If it still ain't obvious, I really am not good in looking and picking and waiting and anticipating and expecting anything.. or anyone for that matter.  I hate this part!  But these parts are always the ones available to me to take part of.  I'm sick of it!  If only there's a way that I could just settle and expect no lies nor anything complicated that will happen next.  Life is really simple.  I want life to be simple.  It's either you want it or you don't.  But why start something if you ain't even going to finish it?  Yup!  I think I'm still hanging on to the DENIAL stage here.  Why do I have to see the beauty of something so ridiculously beautiful only to be taken away from me.  When will this hunt ever end? 

April 10, 2020 Friday 6:13pm

Allow me to educate you about what DABDA is.

D stands for DENIAL

A for ANGER

B is BARGAIN

I cannot seem to move on to A nor B even..

I cannot seem to move on to the next phase.  Not because it's hard or because I refuse to accept the reality of my life.  It's simply because I don't feel any anger in me at all nor I feel any inch nor split second of an existential need to bargain for anything.  In addition to, why would I need to do that?  Why?  What for?  And for what?  Why do I need to be angry?

I'm getting confused.  Like do I have to fake it?  Am I supposed to feel those sort of emotions?  Why is it not the case?

So am I doing something wrong? Why don't I have a clue?  I'm lost.  Totally!

Apr14, Tuesday 11:16pm

After reading my entry above this right now, I think there's something.  I find myself asking the same questions about my siblings.  It's like I'm asking why are they so mad at me.  What did I ever do for them to hate me so much?  And it's the same thing.  I don't have a clue.  Like how I don't always have a clue about a lot of stuff.  I'm not even sure if I'm making sense right now.  Have I made it my habit to always be clueless about everything?  It would make everything so much easier!  Being on autopilot all day with no feeling nor emotion and is just robotic of things would actually make the job faster and easier.  Unfortunately, I can't be on autopilot all day.

Apr16,Thursday 3:09am

I'm usually awake around this hour.  I have no idea why but I will usually wake up almost 3am or after 3am.  I can maybe count the days that it didn't happen but it happens almost every day even if I'm in a different time zone.  This merits the finality of my DABDA, which is the 5 stages that one has to go through in coping with death or "loss" in my case particularly.  A certain undeniable wisdom got reeled into my being last night.  It was specific and intricately clear and confident but would still require my faith in time and in God. 

To finalize and to finally publish this entry,

D is for DEPRESSION and lastly,

A is for ACCEPTANCE.

Yup!  If acceptance is a special guest, then it just arrived last night.  I suddenly felt light and assured of something that I have no idea about.  Once again, I was clueless but confident in the same way that my faith in Christ is set on stone.  When I was smoking weed last night, it was as if I was back to my old, solo, happy and free self who is oblivious to any negativity and pains in the world.  I am back to my old restless and lonely or bored self who is excited and anxious of my settled state with my lifetime partner which is far from any existential reality in my life.  Yup!  You got me.  I live mostly in my dreams and fantasies.  It keeps me floating.  More often than not, whenever I'm smoking weed, I want to sulk into oblivion to escape the pains which may come in waves especially in tender moments of my solitude, but not last night.  And I have a feeling it's going to be permanent that's why I decided to keep you posted.

It's not that I want to skip the 'Depression' stage though it's the hardest and my least favorite part but it just didn't happen.  Maybe it came on the same day I did burst into tears which ignited this entry and those days I was moping or brooding about the what-if's or what-could've-been's. 

Allow me to share with you the wisdom I encountered.  For someone who just came out from a long term relationship and that someone wants to be cautious moving forward because the pains of a failed relationship isn't simple and easy.  With children involved, investment of time, efforts and emotions may seem indispensable.  However, if one is willing to make it right, sacrifice and timing will be part of the equation.  "June" was mentioned as a go signal and by then, it will mark that your unrecognized status has almost been a year.  So it will be safe to come out and finally be in a new phase of life with a new someone whom you really want to make it right with.  I'm not sure if you get what I'm saying but this is my way of sharing my thoughtful wisdom without revealing classified information.  I'm not trying to be cryptic but if it will make things anonymous then might as well be.

I think that amount of time is enough for one to reflect in retrospect, deal with inner conflicts, get a job and keep it, settle whatever there is to settle,  make necessary arrangements and contemplate on life's new adventures in order to finally move on and start with a clean slate with your newfound life partner whom you believe is your soulmate.

Ended4:48am

June 30 = spiritual deadline 
2020 = physical deadline

Yvelle's Prayer

Lord, teach me to remember good memories.
Teach me to respect my parents.
Teach me to eliminate hate and forget my misery.
Teach me to celebrate LOVE.
Emanate PEACE.
Savor JOY.
Omit hate.
Remove anger.
Stay positive.
Teach me to remember.
Show me HOW to focus.
Guide me Lord.
I want you to be in the center of my life.
Teach me to remember and put You in the center.
Guide me Lord.  Guide me everyday.
Teach me to forget hate and anger.
Teach me to follow You, Lord.
Come upon me and send Your Holy Spirit within me.
Teach me to be like You.
Teach me to forgive.
Teach me to be a good person.
Purify my heart, O Lord.
Guide me each and every day.
Teach me to remember critical things.
Teach me to love my job.
Grant me your grace and bless me with a pure heart.
Teach me to welcome you everyday.
Grant me Your grace to lead my family into your light.
Grant me the grace to emanate purity of heart and peace within.
Heal me Lord.
Heal my heart.
Heal my mind.
I believe in Your plans.
I have Faith in You Lord.
Stay with me Lord for it is necessary to have you present so I do not forget you.
You know how easily I abandon you.
Stay with me Lord, because I am weak and I need your strength that I may not fall so often.
Stay with me Lord to show me Your will
Stay with me Lord so that I hear your voice and follow You.
Stay with me Lord for I desire to love You very much and always be in Your company.
Stay with me Lord, as poor as my soul is, I want it to be a place of consolation for You,
A nest of Love.  Stay with me tonight, Jesus, in life with all its dangers, I need you.

Jan 1, 2016

THINGS THAT I SHOULD REMIND MYSELF EVERYDAY

(Handwritten on the back of a page of my resume dated January 1, 2016)

1)  Respect and honor my father and mother.

2)  Kiss my mom and dad hello and good bye every time I leave the house or arrive  home.

3)  Speak softly and always be nice

4)  Since my father and mother is a big challenge, I shall seek the Lord's guidance to be able to manage how I deal with them.

5)  Always do the right thing at work.

6)  Learn to love my job.

7)  Smile.  Always smile.  Always remember.  And remember to smile.

8)  Always be positive and only fight the "good" fight.

9)  Always do the right thing by remembering you committed yourself to our Lord God.

10)  I should always be careful about what I say by thinking about it first before saying anything.

11)  I should always be careful about what I say by thinking about it first before saying anything.

12)  I do not need anyone else nor anything to keep me sane.  That is a state of mind.  God is with me and He wants me to focus.  If I need to be alone then so be it.  I will no longer be dependent on friends calling me and asking me to hang out.  I will focus on my own so I will be a better person.

Jan 1, 2016

My DubeeBoo

Finally, I've had a boyfriend.  It was beautiful!  He was amazing!  It's like the universe made it's way for the both of us.  He tried to find me and feel me.. or should I say, he felt me and he tried to find me.  It happened so fast like it was magic and it was meant to happen.  The feeling is mostly spiritual.  We never really talked about our stand in life in this physical world but it felt like we were tied together from way back.  It felt so right that we connected so much and he knew where we are going.  Yes.  He knew something was going on while I don't have a clue.

He came to meet me again after midnight of the 29th of January of this year.  I totally don't remember him at all.  He claims we knew each other since 2016 but I don't recall him.  I do remember the things he's saying we used to do back then but I don't remember him in the picture.  We smoked weed in my car that night and he tried to make something out of it sexually.  I wasn't down with it so nothing happened except for sweet kisses and holding my hands.  My dad had been calling me non stop to go home.  Maybe his father's instincts are telling him I'm with someone not trustworthy.  It was almost 4am and this mysterious guy still won't let me go despite the fact that my dad had been bugging me to go home.  So to make this mysterious meet up worth my time and space since I don't see the point of staying outside with him because I'm tired and I want to go to bed too, I asked this soon to be DubeeBoo to take a video of me trying to use the urinal I bought in Amazon out in the street so I would have an idea on how to use it moving forward without making myself wet with pee.  So yes there was pee all over my pants that night before we went inside my house, in the living room to see my dad waiting for me to go back home.  I let him in the gate of 1018, with 2 big Belgian Malinois, Ashley and Windy greeting him as he walked in and he wasn't scared.  That turned me on.  Then I let him in the gate of 1020 with 4 barking Shih Tzus and an angry Pomeranian trying to bite him.  He kept walking like the dogs don't exist.  That made him look really hot to me considering the fact that I threatened him about my dad.  I told him we call my dad Hitler for a reason and asked him several times if he's sure about facing my dad to give him a chance to back out.  The fact that he faced my dad to... umm.. I don't even know why he has to do that.  Oh right.. coz I've been wanting to go home while he just won't leave me alone and my dad had been calling me to go home.  But still, what's the point?  When he can just let me go.  So that made our love story.  We kissed on the lips before he left then I thanked him.  From that very moment, he already got me.  He already swept me off my feet.

All beautiful things do have endings coz he already ended our blissful love affair last Monday night, Day 2 of the Covid 19 lock down.  I remember he used to always say, it's better to break up if we're just going to be fighting.  Too bad for me, I have the capacity to understand his maturity level is not the same as mine.  I just learned this afternoon that he blocked me on Facebook.  The social media site he used to try to reach me and connect with me.

There's a dark side behind his magic.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that we never talked about the reality of where we stand in our lives before we got into a romantic relationship.  On second thought, it actually made our connection more exhilarating.  Basking in the ambience of euphoric romance and bliss was just amazing!  It's paradise on earth.  Just like chewing Candyland kush to get high while keeping the love alive.  It was priceless!

But my DubeeBoo, can't seem to handle the downside of love.  As I see it, my DubeeBoo is scared and is convinced that he doesn't deserve me.  Maybe it's because of the skeletons he tried to keep hidden inside his closet.  Maybe not.  One thing for sure is, his own ghost is probably haunting him.  Either way, you reneged an irresistible profer and it stings a little less than a heartbreak.  You're all good.  My DubeeBoo.. you're still my 2020.  You stole it from Yo and then you walk away?  How dare you my DubeeBoo!  I'll be waiting for your comeback.  It's only a matter of time and space.  Get your shit together will ya!

Joseph

Randomly, out of nowhere, you decided to come into my life and make things happen.
You talk to me like I am someone you have known for a very long time. 
I do everything that you tell me like you are right and you make sense even if you don't
But says who? So why not?
Or was I just high?

You touch me like I am someone you have had for a very long time.
You hold me closer to you and I let you because I am yours and you are mine. 
But wait..
Ain't it the first time we met?
But not..
It just feels right.
You feel so right.
You make things bright.
Are you drawn into me?
You can't take your hands off me.
I want you to tell me but you won't.
I need you to be straight up with me
Because you choose all the "don'ts"
And straight to the bone
You won't leave me alone
Into my core
You remove all the bore
Maybe your instincts guide you to lead me
Your confidence is sexy
Maybe my instincts guide me to believe you
Because you speak no words but your hands play music

But what is your plan? 
Do you really have a plan?
What if you don't have a plan?
Why do you talk to me about marriage and family?
You try to paint a picture like you are so sure about me.
How dare you!

I already died once. 
More than once.
I die again and again.
I don't want to die anymore.
I'd rather float.
It feels like I'm floating when I'm with you that I don't want time to end.
It feels like forever counting the days to be with you again.

You came at a time when I never thought I would appreciate being single.
It's illuminating and fun!
Amidst my chaotic mind, men's fiasco reminds me that life is a pun.
I see guys fail again and again and yet,
I am entertained and not emotionally drained
Unlike if that guy is mine
Now I still feel fine
I get a lot of ego boost
Nobody can moot
By several guys I'm being wooed
With sincere and playful compliments
Ain't even obligated to respond nor give back
No judgement, just facts

I'm a 'one-of-the-boys' type of kid
I drink with them
Fuck with illegal drugs with them
Do crazy things with them
Get drunk and pass out with them
I would never pass out
There's no doubt
I guess it has been always my make
That I have my heart for one man
My heart and mind is wired to my man
The only person who can order me around
The one and only man who can touch me
Do anything to me
I am his and he is mine.
We are one.
My brain is just formatted that way
So if you still want to play
Then you're messing the operating system
Just like my fast metabolism
Nothing can beat 'em
So why don't you pick your balls up
And make a decision

I don't know what your plan is.
But I need you to tell me straight up.
It's important to me to be able to hear it from your lips and see it from your eyes.
If you really want me that much then I want you to own me.

Oh but you don't?
Oh so you ain't sure now?
You are so unfair!
You want to take it slow now?
But how come you went for it so fast, you didn't even wait days!
You gave me the truth serum
Manipulated my mind to be closer to you so I can lay it all out on the table
While you won't lay anything down. 
You are just there watching me and silently unravelling me.
Waiting for things to happen like you know for sure that things are going to happen between us.

It's a mystery.
I'd rather keep it a mystery than be disappointed with the harsh reality that these are just all my imagination
Is it?
Am I just imagining that you are leading me into something?
You unfold me and leave me open
I allowed you because I am yours and you're supposed to be mine
But wait. We're not?
That is why I need you to tell me things straight up.
I don't mind waiting.
I need like 3 years before I can be ready so please don't think I'm in a hurry.
It's just blurry.
Talk to me.
Set it straight.
Communicate.

Will you stay with me forever?
Or is this just a matter of time?
The risk of pain is not yet amplified
Sheer bliss of love and herb is high
Just like chewing Candyland kush with a little more push
We'll get lost and explore the unknown together love

Thank you for coming into my life.
I just wish you are here to stay.
Forever beside me you will lay.
Because you have something that is mine and that is a portal into my soul.
I don't think you will be able to let me go.

In Retrospect, I Make Really Good Sense When I'm Stoned.

I don't fucking do Meth so never assume.  I love to sleep!  Dubee keeps me relaxed. Comfortable. Light. Confident. Beautiful. Pleasured. Peaceful. Deep. Sleep. I'm stoned. You know why I decided to start writing here while stoned? I read my previous entries. Angelo & Chito. And I can't believe I wrote it while stoned. That was amazing expression! I don't know what would they say once they read it which I think they never will.  I'm grown up a bit. I've learned to accept the reality of life is really not beautiful. But I love life as it is. It's a gift. I'm feelin' good. Strawberry Cough is the shit. Hahaha I have a new song. Ugly Kid.  A self-pity bullcrap! Hahahaha "I'm an ugly kid. I'm an ugly kid." Totally my song right?! Hahahaha

Alright. Steady baby. z*p