When Silence Hurts (Wifey Version)

I cannot fathom the depth of hatred I take from the supposedly most important person in my life.  I need to understand how rotten I am that I get pushed away to oblivion so hard and so far here in my own home.

That's never enough for you that you have to build an invisible wall.  It's hard to believe that an invisible wall can get so noisy that its screams keep me up all night and my ears cry blood.  It doesn't matter how tender my wounds are.

You just want to bleed me dry?
How harsh can you get?

I'd rather be a fugitive because a fugitive is 'wanted'.  I am an outcast in my own home.  What did I ever do to make you hate me so much?  You despise me and you castigate me with sins I'm not even aware of.  And I am the only person guilty?  Really?  How can this be?

When will this silent war ever end?

You look down on me with hateful and judging eyes, unforgiving of all things about me.  It's all shame and contempt for me that there's no way out.

Sometimes I wish I am guilty of murder.  Maybe it will ease the pains that I take daily.  Maybe it will justify the fact that I get so much hate and that I deserve it.  All the hatred towards me will finally make sense because I am the real and certified villain of the story.

I wish I am guilty, indeed!
Maybe silence won't hurt after all.

Singlehood Is My BLESSING

I realize I am so lucky to be single. 
Men are weak that's why they become stupid.
I'm not a hater but guys are consistent about making the same mistakes over and over again.
They love sex with multiple partners because sex feels good while love fades away easy.
I really wanted to get married and have kids.  I've been wanting this since time immemorial.
But I guess wisdom which you earn thru experience will change everything.

I've experienced being pursued by men who pretended to be single multiple times.
Believe it or not, there were men who went beyond their limits just to be able to prove to me and to my family that they really were serious about me only for me to find out that it was just temporary.
It was a fleeting moment based on lust, boredom and fantasy.  Imagine how crazy that is?  Can you imagine how it moved me?

It just made me crave for fleeting moments of lust and fantasy.  I've been single for a very long time and I wanted to believe that I'm getting really bored and lonely sometimes.  But in reality, the committed ones, men who are in a relationship are the bored and tired ones.  Married men or men with family without marriage seem to be more bored than I am.  They have become spiritless with their kids and their partners that they hunt for meat to make them feel alive.  They go thru crazy lengths just to be able to bang me which includes hiding things from me to make me believe that they're the guy I'm looking for.  They start to lie and cheat with their partners and make believe that they're not lying to me.  They're just being quiet about things.

By now I can tell it's not something new or unusual.
This experience just pivoted to my ardent desire to stay single. 
I will stay happier and free being single. 
The pleasure I get of being endlessly wooed is just priceless!  So I'll just try to keep that momentum for as long as I can.  I'm good with that.

It feels so good to be alive!
Thank God for my freedom!

When Silence Hurts

I cannot fathom the depth of hatred I take from the supposedly most important people in my life.  I need to understand how rotten I am that I get pushed away to oblivion so hard and so far here in my own home.

That's never enough for you that you have to build an invisible wall.

It's hard to believe that an invisible wall can get so noisy that its screams keep me up all night and my ears cry blood.  It doesn't matter how tender my wounds are.

You want to just bleed me dry?
How harsh can you get? 

I'd rather be a fugitive because a fugitive is 'wanted'.
I am an outcast in my own home.
What did I ever do to make my family hate me so much?
I get despised and I get castigated with sins I'm not even aware of.
And I am the only person guilty?
Really?
How can this be?

When will this silent war ever end?

My own family look down on me with hateful and judging eyes, unforgiving of all things about me.  It's all shame and contempt for me that there's no way out.  This is my reality.  This is what I have to deal with while I have to fight a mental illness.  Family choose to nullify the illness and resign to the premise that evil within me is damaging everyone around me.

To the most important people in my life-my family, there is no such thing as 'mental illness'.  It's just an excuse I make up to get away with murder.

Sometimes I wish I am guilty of murder.  Maybe it will ease the pains that I take daily.  Maybe it will justify the fact that I get so much hate and that I deserve it.  All the hatred towards me will finally make sense because I am the real and certified villain of our story. 

I wish I am guilty, indeed! 
Maybe, silence won't hurt after all.

D.A.B.D.A.

April 8, 2020 Wednesday Night (time unk)

The first tearful night when self-actualization occurs to my mental and physical entity that the one and only prospective and suspected boyfriend, partner, fiance, groom and/or husband-to-be at this time and space dumped me more than 3 weeks ago (23 nights ago to be exact) for the mere reason that if the 2 of us will just be fighting in this relationship that we both decided to be in because of some strong spiritual, emotional and physical connection, it's better to just break up.  Whoops!  These are words coming from the "man" in this supposed relationship.  At the very least he didn't leave me hanging.  It was rather abruptly quick and I guess "certain" is the word I'm looking for!

Self-Actualization is defined as the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.  

It's very exhausting to realize that I am back in the dating game.  If it still ain't obvious, I really am not good in looking and picking and waiting and anticipating and expecting anything.. or anyone for that matter.  I hate this part!  But these parts are always the ones available to me to take part of.  I'm sick of it!  If only there's a way that I could just settle and expect no lies nor anything complicated that will happen next.  Life is really simple.  I want life to be simple.  It's either you want it or you don't.  But why start something if you ain't even going to finish it?  Yup!  I think I'm still hanging on to the DENIAL stage here.  Why do I have to see the beauty of something so ridiculously beautiful only to be taken away from me.  When will this hunt ever end? 

April 10, 2020 Friday 6:13pm

Allow me to educate you about what DABDA is.

D stands for DENIAL

A for ANGER

B is BARGAIN

I cannot seem to move on to A nor B even..

I cannot seem to move on to the next phase.  Not because it's hard or because I refuse to accept the reality of my life.  It's simply because I don't feel any anger in me at all nor I feel any inch nor split second of an existential need to bargain for anything.  In addition to, why would I need to do that?  Why?  What for?  And for what?  Why do I need to be angry?

I'm getting confused.  Like do I have to fake it?  Am I supposed to feel those sort of emotions?  Why is it not the case?

So am I doing something wrong? Why don't I have a clue?  I'm lost.  Totally!

Apr14, Tuesday 11:16pm

After reading my entry above this right now, I think there's something.  I find myself asking the same questions about my siblings.  It's like I'm asking why are they so mad at me.  What did I ever do for them to hate me so much?  And it's the same thing.  I don't have a clue.  Like how I don't always have a clue about a lot of stuff.  I'm not even sure if I'm making sense right now.  Have I made it my habit to always be clueless about everything?  It would make everything so much easier!  Being on autopilot all day with no feeling nor emotion and is just robotic of things would actually make the job faster and easier.  Unfortunately, I can't be on autopilot all day.

Apr16,Thursday 3:09am

I'm usually awake around this hour.  I have no idea why but I will usually wake up almost 3am or after 3am.  I can maybe count the days that it didn't happen but it happens almost every day even if I'm in a different time zone.  This merits the finality of my DABDA, which is the 5 stages that one has to go through in coping with death or "loss" in my case particularly.  A certain undeniable wisdom got reeled into my being last night.  It was specific and intricately clear and confident but would still require my faith in time and in God. 

To finalize and to finally publish this entry,

D is for DEPRESSION and lastly,

A is for ACCEPTANCE.

Yup!  If acceptance is a special guest, then it just arrived last night.  I suddenly felt light and assured of something that I have no idea about.  Once again, I was clueless but confident in the same way that my faith in Christ is set on stone.  When I was smoking weed last night, it was as if I was back to my old, solo, happy and free self who is oblivious to any negativity and pains in the world.  I am back to my old restless and lonely or bored self who is excited and anxious of my settled state with my lifetime partner which is far from any existential reality in my life.  Yup!  You got me.  I live mostly in my dreams and fantasies.  It keeps me floating.  More often than not, whenever I'm smoking weed, I want to sulk into oblivion to escape the pains which may come in waves especially in tender moments of my solitude, but not last night.  And I have a feeling it's going to be permanent that's why I decided to keep you posted.

It's not that I want to skip the 'Depression' stage though it's the hardest and my least favorite part but it just didn't happen.  Maybe it came on the same day I did burst into tears which ignited this entry and those days I was moping or brooding about the what-if's or what-could've-been's. 

Allow me to share with you the wisdom I encountered.  For someone who just came out from a long term relationship and that someone wants to be cautious moving forward because the pains of a failed relationship isn't simple and easy.  With children involved, investment of time, efforts and emotions may seem indispensable.  However, if one is willing to make it right, sacrifice and timing will be part of the equation.  "June" was mentioned as a go signal and by then, it will mark that your unrecognized status has almost been a year.  So it will be safe to come out and finally be in a new phase of life with a new someone whom you really want to make it right with.  I'm not sure if you get what I'm saying but this is my way of sharing my thoughtful wisdom without revealing classified information.  I'm not trying to be cryptic but if it will make things anonymous then might as well be.

I think that amount of time is enough for one to reflect in retrospect, deal with inner conflicts, get a job and keep it, settle whatever there is to settle,  make necessary arrangements and contemplate on life's new adventures in order to finally move on and start with a clean slate with your newfound life partner whom you believe is your soulmate.

Ended4:48am

June 30 = spiritual deadline 
2020 = physical deadline

Yvelle's Prayer

Lord, teach me to remember good memories.
Teach me to respect my parents.
Teach me to eliminate hate and forget my misery.
Teach me to celebrate LOVE.
Emanate PEACE.
Savor JOY.
Omit hate.
Remove anger.
Stay positive.
Teach me to remember.
Show me HOW to focus.
Guide me Lord.
I want you to be in the center of my life.
Teach me to remember and put You in the center.
Guide me Lord.  Guide me everyday.
Teach me to forget hate and anger.
Teach me to follow You, Lord.
Come upon me and send Your Holy Spirit within me.
Teach me to be like You.
Teach me to forgive.
Teach me to be a good person.
Purify my heart, O Lord.
Guide me each and every day.
Teach me to remember critical things.
Teach me to love my job.
Grant me your grace and bless me with a pure heart.
Teach me to welcome you everyday.
Grant me Your grace to lead my family into your light.
Grant me the grace to emanate purity of heart and peace within.
Heal me Lord.
Heal my heart.
Heal my mind.
I believe in Your plans.
I have Faith in You Lord.
Stay with me Lord for it is necessary to have you present so I do not forget you.
You know how easily I abandon you.
Stay with me Lord, because I am weak and I need your strength that I may not fall so often.
Stay with me Lord to show me Your will
Stay with me Lord so that I hear your voice and follow You.
Stay with me Lord for I desire to love You very much and always be in Your company.
Stay with me Lord, as poor as my soul is, I want it to be a place of consolation for You,
A nest of Love.  Stay with me tonight, Jesus, in life with all its dangers, I need you.

Jan 1, 2016

THINGS THAT I SHOULD REMIND MYSELF EVERYDAY

(Handwritten on the back of a page of my resume dated January 1, 2016)

1)  Respect and honor my father and mother.

2)  Kiss my mom and dad hello and good bye every time I leave the house or arrive  home.

3)  Speak softly and always be nice

4)  Since my father and mother is a big challenge, I shall seek the Lord's guidance to be able to manage how I deal with them.

5)  Always do the right thing at work.

6)  Learn to love my job.

7)  Smile.  Always smile.  Always remember.  And remember to smile.

8)  Always be positive and only fight the "good" fight.

9)  Always do the right thing by remembering you committed yourself to our Lord God.

10)  I should always be careful about what I say by thinking about it first before saying anything.

11)  I should always be careful about what I say by thinking about it first before saying anything.

12)  I do not need anyone else nor anything to keep me sane.  That is a state of mind.  God is with me and He wants me to focus.  If I need to be alone then so be it.  I will no longer be dependent on friends calling me and asking me to hang out.  I will focus on my own so I will be a better person.

Jan 1, 2016

My DubeeBoo

Finally, I've had a boyfriend.  It was beautiful!  He was amazing!  It's like the universe made it's way for the both of us.  He tried to find me and feel me.. or should I say, he felt me and he tried to find me.  It happened so fast like it was magic and it was meant to happen.  The feeling is mostly spiritual.  We never really talked about our stand in life in this physical world but it felt like we were tied together from way back.  It felt so right that we connected so much and he knew where we are going.  Yes.  He knew something was going on while I don't have a clue.

He came to meet me again after midnight of the 29th of January of this year.  I totally don't remember him at all.  He claims we knew each other since 2016 but I don't recall him.  I do remember the things he's saying we used to do back then but I don't remember him in the picture.  We smoked weed in my car that night and he tried to make something out of it sexually.  I wasn't down with it so nothing happened except for sweet kisses and holding my hands.  My dad had been calling me non stop to go home.  Maybe his father's instincts are telling him I'm with someone not trustworthy.  It was almost 4am and this mysterious guy still won't let me go despite the fact that my dad had been bugging me to go home.  So to make this mysterious meet up worth my time and space since I don't see the point of staying outside with him because I'm tired and I want to go to bed too, I asked this soon to be DubeeBoo to take a video of me trying to use the urinal I bought in Amazon out in the street so I would have an idea on how to use it moving forward without making myself wet with pee.  So yes there was pee all over my pants that night before we went inside my house, in the living room to see my dad waiting for me to go back home.  I let him in the gate of 1018, with 2 big Belgian Malinois, Ashley and Windy greeting him as he walked in and he wasn't scared.  That turned me on.  Then I let him in the gate of 1020 with 4 barking Shih Tzus and an angry Pomeranian trying to bite him.  He kept walking like the dogs don't exist.  That made him look really hot to me considering the fact that I threatened him about my dad.  I told him we call my dad Hitler for a reason and asked him several times if he's sure about facing my dad to give him a chance to back out.  The fact that he faced my dad to... umm.. I don't even know why he has to do that.  Oh right.. coz I've been wanting to go home while he just won't leave me alone and my dad had been calling me to go home.  But still, what's the point?  When he can just let me go.  So that made our love story.  We kissed on the lips before he left then I thanked him.  From that very moment, he already got me.  He already swept me off my feet.

All beautiful things do have endings coz he already ended our blissful love affair last Monday night, Day 2 of the Covid 19 lock down.  I remember he used to always say, it's better to break up if we're just going to be fighting.  Too bad for me, I have the capacity to understand his maturity level is not the same as mine.  I just learned this afternoon that he blocked me on Facebook.  The social media site he used to try to reach me and connect with me.

There's a dark side behind his magic.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that we never talked about the reality of where we stand in our lives before we got into a romantic relationship.  On second thought, it actually made our connection more exhilarating.  Basking in the ambience of euphoric romance and bliss was just amazing!  It's paradise on earth.  Just like chewing Candyland kush to get high while keeping the love alive.  It was priceless!

But my DubeeBoo, can't seem to handle the downside of love.  As I see it, my DubeeBoo is scared and is convinced that he doesn't deserve me.  Maybe it's because of the skeletons he tried to keep hidden inside his closet.  Maybe not.  One thing for sure is, his own ghost is probably haunting him.  Either way, you reneged an irresistible profer and it stings a little less than a heartbreak.  You're all good.  My DubeeBoo.. you're still my 2020.  You stole it from Yo and then you walk away?  How dare you my DubeeBoo!  I'll be waiting for your comeback.  It's only a matter of time and space.  Get your shit together will ya!