My DubeeBoo

Finally, I've had a boyfriend.  It was beautiful!  He was amazing!  It's like the universe made it's way for the both of us.  He tried to find me and feel me.. or should I say, he felt me and he tried to find me.  It happened so fast like it was magic and it was meant to happen.  The feeling is mostly spiritual.  We never really talked about our stand in life in this physical world but it felt like we were tied together from way back.  It felt so right that we connected so much and he knew where we are going.  Yes.  He knew something was going on while I don't have a clue.

He came to meet me again after midnight of the 29th of January of this year.  I totally don't remember him at all.  He claims we knew each other since 2016 but I don't recall him.  I do remember the things he's saying we used to do back then but I don't remember him in the picture.  We smoked weed in my car that night and he tried to make something out of it sexually.  I wasn't down with it so nothing happened except for sweet kisses and holding my hands.  My dad had been calling me non stop to go home.  Maybe his father's instincts are telling him I'm with someone not trustworthy.  It was almost 4am and this mysterious guy still won't let me go despite the fact that my dad had been bugging me to go home.  So to make this mysterious meet up worth my time and space since I don't see the point of staying outside with him because I'm tired and I want to go to bed too, I asked this soon to be DubeeBoo to take a video of me trying to use the urinal I bought in Amazon out in the street so I would have an idea on how to use it moving forward without making myself wet with pee.  So yes there was pee all over my pants that night before we went inside my house, in the living room to see my dad waiting for me to go back home.  I let him in the gate of 1018, with 2 big Belgian Malinois, Ashley and Windy greeting him as he walked in and he wasn't scared.  That turned me on.  Then I let him in the gate of 1020 with 4 barking Shih Tzus and an angry Pomeranian trying to bite him.  He kept walking like the dogs don't exist.  That made him look really hot to me considering the fact that I threatened him about my dad.  I told him we call my dad Hitler for a reason and asked him several times if he's sure about facing my dad to give him a chance to back out.  The fact that he faced my dad to... umm.. I don't even know why he has to do that.  Oh right.. coz I've been wanting to go home while he just won't leave me alone and my dad had been calling me to go home.  But still, what's the point?  When he can just let me go.  So that made our love story.  We kissed on the lips before he left then I thanked him.  From that very moment, he already got me.  He already swept me off my feet.

All beautiful things do have endings coz he already ended our blissful love affair last Monday night, Day 2 of the Covid 19 lock down.  I remember he used to always say, it's better to break up if we're just going to be fighting.  Too bad for me, I have the capacity to understand his maturity level is not the same as mine.  I just learned this afternoon that he blocked me on Facebook.  The social media site he used to try to reach me and connect with me.

There's a dark side behind his magic.  I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that we never talked about the reality of where we stand in our lives before we got into a romantic relationship.  On second thought, it actually made our connection more exhilarating.  Basking in the ambience of euphoric romance and bliss was just amazing!  It's paradise on earth.  Just like chewing Candyland kush to get high while keeping the love alive.  It was priceless!

But my DubeeBoo, can't seem to handle the downside of love.  As I see it, my DubeeBoo is scared and is convinced that he doesn't deserve me.  Maybe it's because of the skeletons he tried to keep hidden inside his closet.  Maybe not.  One thing for sure is, his own ghost is probably haunting him.  Either way, you reneged an irresistible profer and it stings a little less than a heartbreak.  You're all good.  My DubeeBoo.. you're still my 2020.  You stole it from Yo and then you walk away?  How dare you my DubeeBoo!  I'll be waiting for your comeback.  It's only a matter of time and space.  Get your shit together will ya!

Joseph

Randomly, out of nowhere, you decided to come into my life and make things happen.
You talk to me like I am someone you have known for a very long time. 
I do everything that you tell me like you are right and you make sense even if you don't
But says who? So why not?
Or was I just high?

You touch me like I am someone you have had for a very long time.
You hold me closer to you and I let you because I am yours and you are mine. 
But wait..
Ain't it the first time we met?
But not..
It just feels right.
You feel so right.
You make things bright.
Are you drawn into me?
You can't take your hands off me.
I want you to tell me but you won't.
I need you to be straight up with me
Because you choose all the "don'ts"
And straight to the bone
You won't leave me alone
Into my core
You remove all the bore
Maybe your instincts guide you to lead me
Your confidence is sexy
Maybe my instincts guide me to believe you
Because you speak no words but your hands play music

But what is your plan? 
Do you really have a plan?
What if you don't have a plan?
Why do you talk to me about marriage and family?
You try to paint a picture like you are so sure about me.
How dare you!

I already died once. 
More than once.
I die again and again.
I don't want to die anymore.
I'd rather float.
It feels like I'm floating when I'm with you that I don't want time to end.
It feels like forever counting the days to be with you again.

You came at a time when I never thought I would appreciate being single.
It's illuminating and fun!
Amidst my chaotic mind, men's fiasco reminds me that life is a pun.
I see guys fail again and again and yet,
I am entertained and not emotionally drained
Unlike if that guy is mine
Now I still feel fine
I get a lot of ego boost
Nobody can moot
By several guys I'm being wooed
With sincere and playful compliments
Ain't even obligated to respond nor give back
No judgement, just facts

I'm a 'one-of-the-boys' type of kid
I drink with them
Fuck with illegal drugs with them
Do crazy things with them
Get drunk and pass out with them
I would never pass out
There's no doubt
I guess it has been always my make
That I have my heart for one man
My heart and mind is wired to my man
The only person who can order me around
The one and only man who can touch me
Do anything to me
I am his and he is mine.
We are one.
My brain is just formatted that way
So if you still want to play
Then you're messing the operating system
Just like my fast metabolism
Nothing can beat 'em
So why don't you pick your balls up
And make a decision

I don't know what your plan is.
But I need you to tell me straight up.
It's important to me to be able to hear it from your lips and see it from your eyes.
If you really want me that much then I want you to own me.

Oh but you don't?
Oh so you ain't sure now?
You are so unfair!
You want to take it slow now?
But how come you went for it so fast, you didn't even wait days!
You gave me the truth serum
Manipulated my mind to be closer to you so I can lay it all out on the table
While you won't lay anything down. 
You are just there watching me and silently unravelling me.
Waiting for things to happen like you know for sure that things are going to happen between us.

It's a mystery.
I'd rather keep it a mystery than be disappointed with the harsh reality that these are just all my imagination
Is it?
Am I just imagining that you are leading me into something?
You unfold me and leave me open
I allowed you because I am yours and you're supposed to be mine
But wait. We're not?
That is why I need you to tell me things straight up.
I don't mind waiting.
I need like 3 years before I can be ready so please don't think I'm in a hurry.
It's just blurry.
Talk to me.
Set it straight.
Communicate.

Will you stay with me forever?
Or is this just a matter of time?
The risk of pain is not yet amplified
Sheer bliss of love and herb is high
Just like chewing Candyland kush with a little more push
We'll get lost and explore the unknown together love

Thank you for coming into my life.
I just wish you are here to stay.
Forever beside me you will lay.
Because you have something that is mine and that is a portal into my soul.
I don't think you will be able to let me go.

In Retrospect, I Make Really Good Sense When I'm Stoned.

I don't fucking do Meth so never assume.  I love to sleep!  Dubee keeps me relaxed. Comfortable. Light. Confident. Beautiful. Pleasured. Peaceful. Deep. Sleep. I'm stoned. You know why I decided to start writing here while stoned? I read my previous entries. Angelo & Chito. And I can't believe I wrote it while stoned. That was amazing expression! I don't know what would they say once they read it which I think they never will.  I'm grown up a bit. I've learned to accept the reality of life is really not beautiful. But I love life as it is. It's a gift. I'm feelin' good. Strawberry Cough is the shit. Hahaha I have a new song. Ugly Kid.  A self-pity bullcrap! Hahahaha "I'm an ugly kid. I'm an ugly kid." Totally my song right?! Hahahaha

Alright. Steady baby. z*p

Chito

I feel sad to realize you're playing me so I appreciate that you're playing safe.  Thank you.  That makes me want to fall in love with you but unfortunately, I don't want to play anymore.  It's so sad.  My life has been so sad.  Is it wrong to finally admit that I'm looking for a boyfriend?  I am picky because he will be my lifetime partner so I won't really settle for less.  I want someone I'm comfortable with and in the same way, he is comfortable with me too.

Why settle for less when there is an option to be free?  Does that make sense?

Freedom and free will are our most precious gifts in life!

Anyways.  I'm done playing.  I guess I never even played so.. I'm done guessing.  If you're just going to be awkward then I really don't have to count on you.  Anything goes.  Whatever floats your boat.  But I won't sacrifice a budget unless you'll get back.

Take it or leave it unless you propose.

#kthanksbye

The Reality of My Life

Again.. another man who raised my hopes up but shattered my hopes into pieces. 

Once again, "A big round of applause everybody!!!

Hahahaha I remember telling someone that I need a drink coz I have a problem.. or not? I can't tell the difference.

Anyways, you felt so real but that was a facade because I slowly begin to uncover your true colors.  You're disgusting!  I remember telling you that I don't want you to go that's why I want us to be friends.  Look at you. You're avoiding me? Really?

Maybe it's wrong for me to not ask you "Why?" but there is really no desire in me to want to know.  It's like I've got you all figured out and it's boring me.  I guess I was never really sexually attracted to you but you made me believe something that I really want is real and so you played me all the way to how far you can but it took it's toll on you and you can't keep up with me anymore.  I remember telling you this all the time back then when you muthufuckin Skype me every fucking mintue.  

You see.. I get along with the universe that's why my instincts are always right.  I just wish I remember reading this everyday so I would remember because I forget all the time.  Say, if I 'd see him, I'd ask him how he is coz I've already forgotten everything and he will go awkward with me but I really don't have any idea what's going on.

I've had a drink with this other older guy but younger than Angelo and I think they both had similar intentions but this older guy.. (I call him older guy because I met him before I even met Angelo. Even before I flew in the States August last year.) he caught my attention the very first time I laid my eyes on him.  I didn't think he was physically attractive yet.  I had no idea! But I got really CURIOUS.  For the first time in my life, I followed him and logged in the notebook and checked out his name before I wrote mine.  I got really intrigued.  What if he's my wavemate?  A splash of excitement ran all over my body.  What is this?  I am really curious. 

This is when I realized in hindsight that you really did play me Angelo.  I never felt the same way with you but you made yourself into something you're really not so don't hate on me.  I had no clue.  Don't worry I'm all good.  I forget everything remember?  But I'll be careful with you moving forward so please don't do it again.  Now fly away! Enjoy life muthufucka! Hahahaha good energy message to you mwuah

Zoned Series: I'm The Bad Person.

I don't know what to say. The truth is like a dead body starting to float in the water.  I am rotten!  I have been a very bad girl.  I acted like a stupid little 3-year old trying to prove everyone how strong and fierce she is when in fact she's the worst thorn you will ever come across with. Pahirap! Abnormal! Ang sama ng ugali. Ang salbaje!

My friends and my family must have loved me so much.  I am thankful.  The truth has come out.  I am a rotten little girl trying to push everyone to the edge.  I don't know what has happened to me or why that happened.  I have no idea!  I don't recall exact little details.  I am so frustrated with myself.  I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to cause harm to anyone physically and mentally.  I am tired.  I am sorry.  I don't know how that happened.  I am not happy to inflict pain on anyone.  I just want to be at peace.  I seriously don't know what to do anymore.  Am I really insane? Is this normal? I'm writing this stoned because I become articulate when I'm fucked up stoned.  It would be nice to be able to read what's going on in my mind during the process.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I really had no sexual attraction to Angelo.  Am I a bad person?  I did not lead him into anything.  I was honest from the beginning.  If you ask me, I really think I didn't do anything wrong.  His decisions are his decisions and I don't have enough information to be able to advise him of the right thing to do. But there was something about us that seemed so right.  It went south after that.  He was a child! So immature for a 45-year old.  But I just realized I'm the bad person.  So maybe I was really mean to him.  So I messaged him and apologized and sent good energy message.

I feel so ashamed after learning about things I did to my siblings.  How did I become that evil?  What happened to me?  I don't blame Duduy for treating me this way now.  Everything is starting to make sense.  My siblings are right.  I should just pity myself because I am rotten.  I don't deserve to be respected.  I have to learn to respect others first.  I literally pushed everyone to the edge! Figuratively!!!  I was so mean. So loud. Unbelievable but real! I'm so awful. I feel so awful.  I don't know how or why? I can't really explain things that I don't even remember.  I'm writing because it's really tiring to think about this.  I'm in abyss.  All my life I have denied the fact that I am the evil one.  I mock them for thinking I'm the evil one but I really fucking am!!! I don't know what to do. Who do I turn to? Anyone I tell my stories to would of course think I'm not the evil one.  Because I'm the one talking.  So let's see if things change when I read them.

This is good shit.  Everything feels surreal.  This is a good experiment.  Writing while stoned on a public and private blog.  Feels awesome!  Makes me forget the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend.  In restrospect, I better stay single.  I am a bad person.  I am derranged.  I don't want any more guys to give into my evil eyes.  I will just make their lives miserable.  I'll stay single and just focus.  I won't feel bad anymore about how Duduy pushes me away.  I'd be less dramatic.  I'll try to stay composed all the time.  I have to just keep it to myself if I felt pain or if I get hurt by the words that come out of their mouth or the energy they shoot in me if they couldn't just blurt things out just because.. I have to stay composed because I deserve that kind of pain.  I was the evil one.  Real evil that I despise that person.  Who is that?! How did it become me? or how did I become that person? I'm not denying fault here.  I'm just amazed that there is such an evil person like me. I can't even believe I exist! I seriously don't know what to do.  I have to stay strong. I can't just say I'll just kill myself because that would make everyone feel I am blackmailing them with suicide stuff. I'm not even suicidal. But you know what I mean?  I'm just saying.  If all of us have demons, I got the worst demon.  I don't want to live anymore if I'll only be hurting people I love.  I am rotten and I hit everyone in their faces like I don't care.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be evil.  I believe in goodness but I am evil.  I'm clueless.  I'm in abyss.  God help me. 😭

Yvelle's Syndrome

I didn't realize it's been 4 months since I last updated this little blog I've been pouring my heart out to whenever I feel like it.  There are a lot of times I'd like to keep you updated but there are certain scenarios in my life I'd like to keep to myself because of embarrassment maybe?  Like getting fired.

Again.

It's something that happens to me all the time.  I have the habit of losing my job.  There were instances I did something that led me to lose my job.  There were times that the job just wasn't for me.  However, I was never terminated nor dismissed if you look into the books except for this time.  This is the very first time my employment got ceased by the company.  It's not because of fraud or something malicious.  But I'm beginning to think I'm no longer fit to work because of some neurological reasons.  Yes, I see a neurologist regularly.  He concluded that my brain is scarred from the accident I had 10 years ago so he can't exactly rule out my head trauma.  I do have an unknown medical condition and I'm on medications.  My neurologist advised he 'could' refer me to a psychiatrist because he couldn't figure out what's wrong with me.  It's very frustrating.  It costs a lot.  P3,500 per session to be exact.  One session is one hour.  Nobody knows what my condition is.  I have the feeling that this type of condition does not exist yet in our time or should I say is not recognized yet.  But I would like to name it Yvelle's Syndrome.  It's very difficult for me to keep up.  There is something about the way I see things and the way it is retained in my memory.  Things become very inaccurate and it is horrifying once I realize the reality of the matter.  It would drag me down and keep me in the zone of trying to remember what happened, why it happened and how it happened.  Is it even possible for that kind of scenario to happen or was it all in my mind?  Am I just imagining things?  Why was it extremely vivid and instantaneous up to the very last detail?  It's very exhausting just to try to figure it out when I can just move on and go with the swing of things just like everyone else.  But I couldn't.  I won't be able to keep up.  My neurologist say my brain is like a computer.  If several apps are up, it slows down.  But several times I catch myself blank.  I zone out a lot.  And when I do that, I'm afloat.  I'm physically present but I'm drifting and peaceful.

There are so many things to do.  There are so many things to explore.  I have so many things to say.  But there is so little time.