In Retrospect, I Make Really Good Sense When I'm Stoned.

I don't fucking do Meth so never assume.  I love to sleep!  Dubee keeps me relaxed. Comfortable. Light. Confident. Beautiful. Pleasured. Peaceful. Deep. Sleep. I'm stoned. You know why I decided to start writing here while stoned? I read my previous entries. Angelo & Chito. And I can't believe I wrote it while stoned. That was amazing expression! I don't know what would they say once they read it which I think they never will.  I'm grown up a bit. I've learned to accept the reality of life is really not beautiful. But I love life as it is. It's a gift. I'm feelin' good. Strawberry Cough is the shit. Hahaha I have a new song. Ugly Kid.  A self-pity bullcrap! Hahahaha "I'm an ugly kid. I'm an ugly kid." Totally my song right?! Hahahaha

Alright. Steady baby. z*p

Chito

I feel sad to realize you're playing me so I appreciate that you're playing safe.  Thank you.  That makes me want to fall in love with you but unfortunately, I don't want to play anymore.  It's so sad.  My life has been so sad.  Is it wrong to finally admit that I'm looking for a boyfriend?  I am picky because he will be my lifetime partner so I won't really settle for less.  I want someone I'm comfortable with and in the same way, he is comfortable with me too.

Why settle for less when there is an option to be free?  Does that make sense?

Freedom and free will are our most precious gifts in life!

Anyways.  I'm done playing.  I guess I never even played so.. I'm done guessing.  If you're just going to be awkward then I really don't have to count on you.  Anything goes.  Whatever floats your boat.  But I won't sacrifice a budget unless you'll get back.

Take it or leave it unless you propose.

#kthanksbye

The Reality of My Life

Again.. another man who raised my hopes up but shattered my hopes into pieces. 

Once again, "A big round of applause everybody!!!

Hahahaha I remember telling someone that I need a drink coz I have a problem.. or not? I can't tell the difference.

Anyways, you felt so real but that was a facade because I slowly begin to uncover your true colors.  You're disgusting!  I remember telling you that I don't want you to go that's why I want us to be friends.  Look at you. You're avoiding me? Really?

Maybe it's wrong for me to not ask you "Why?" but there is really no desire in me to want to know.  It's like I've got you all figured out and it's boring me.  I guess I was never really sexually attracted to you but you made me believe something that I really want is real and so you played me all the way to how far you can but it took it's toll on you and you can't keep up with me anymore.  I remember telling you this all the time back then when you muthufuckin Skype me every fucking mintue.  

You see.. I get along with the universe that's why my instincts are always right.  I just wish I remember reading this everyday so I would remember because I forget all the time.  Say, if I 'd see him, I'd ask him how he is coz I've already forgotten everything and he will go awkward with me but I really don't have any idea what's going on.

I've had a drink with this other older guy but younger than Angelo and I think they both had similar intentions but this older guy.. (I call him older guy because I met him before I even met Angelo. Even before I flew in the States August last year.) he caught my attention the very first time I laid my eyes on him.  I didn't think he was physically attractive yet.  I had no idea! But I got really CURIOUS.  For the first time in my life, I followed him and logged in the notebook and checked out his name before I wrote mine.  I got really intrigued.  What if he's my wavemate?  A splash of excitement ran all over my body.  What is this?  I am really curious. 

This is when I realized in hindsight that you really did play me Angelo.  I never felt the same way with you but you made yourself into something you're really not so don't hate on me.  I had no clue.  Don't worry I'm all good.  I forget everything remember?  But I'll be careful with you moving forward so please don't do it again.  Now fly away! Enjoy life muthufucka! Hahahaha good energy message to you mwuah

Zoned Series: I'm The Bad Person.

I don't know what to say. The truth is like a dead body starting to float in the water.  I am rotten!  I have been a very bad girl.  I acted like a stupid little 3-year old trying to prove everyone how strong and fierce she is when in fact she's the worst thorn you will ever come across with. Pahirap! Abnormal! Ang sama ng ugali. Ang salbaje!

My friends and my family must have loved me so much.  I am thankful.  The truth has come out.  I am a rotten little girl trying to push everyone to the edge.  I don't know what has happened to me or why that happened.  I have no idea!  I don't recall exact little details.  I am so frustrated with myself.  I really don't know what to do.  I don't want to cause harm to anyone physically and mentally.  I am tired.  I am sorry.  I don't know how that happened.  I am not happy to inflict pain on anyone.  I just want to be at peace.  I seriously don't know what to do anymore.  Am I really insane? Is this normal? I'm writing this stoned because I become articulate when I'm fucked up stoned.  It would be nice to be able to read what's going on in my mind during the process.

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I really had no sexual attraction to Angelo.  Am I a bad person?  I did not lead him into anything.  I was honest from the beginning.  If you ask me, I really think I didn't do anything wrong.  His decisions are his decisions and I don't have enough information to be able to advise him of the right thing to do. But there was something about us that seemed so right.  It went south after that.  He was a child! So immature for a 45-year old.  But I just realized I'm the bad person.  So maybe I was really mean to him.  So I messaged him and apologized and sent good energy message.

I feel so ashamed after learning about things I did to my siblings.  How did I become that evil?  What happened to me?  I don't blame Duduy for treating me this way now.  Everything is starting to make sense.  My siblings are right.  I should just pity myself because I am rotten.  I don't deserve to be respected.  I have to learn to respect others first.  I literally pushed everyone to the edge! Figuratively!!!  I was so mean. So loud. Unbelievable but real! I'm so awful. I feel so awful.  I don't know how or why? I can't really explain things that I don't even remember.  I'm writing because it's really tiring to think about this.  I'm in abyss.  All my life I have denied the fact that I am the evil one.  I mock them for thinking I'm the evil one but I really fucking am!!! I don't know what to do. Who do I turn to? Anyone I tell my stories to would of course think I'm not the evil one.  Because I'm the one talking.  So let's see if things change when I read them.

This is good shit.  Everything feels surreal.  This is a good experiment.  Writing while stoned on a public and private blog.  Feels awesome!  Makes me forget the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend.  In restrospect, I better stay single.  I am a bad person.  I am derranged.  I don't want any more guys to give into my evil eyes.  I will just make their lives miserable.  I'll stay single and just focus.  I won't feel bad anymore about how Duduy pushes me away.  I'd be less dramatic.  I'll try to stay composed all the time.  I have to just keep it to myself if I felt pain or if I get hurt by the words that come out of their mouth or the energy they shoot in me if they couldn't just blurt things out just because.. I have to stay composed because I deserve that kind of pain.  I was the evil one.  Real evil that I despise that person.  Who is that?! How did it become me? or how did I become that person? I'm not denying fault here.  I'm just amazed that there is such an evil person like me. I can't even believe I exist! I seriously don't know what to do.  I have to stay strong. I can't just say I'll just kill myself because that would make everyone feel I am blackmailing them with suicide stuff. I'm not even suicidal. But you know what I mean?  I'm just saying.  If all of us have demons, I got the worst demon.  I don't want to live anymore if I'll only be hurting people I love.  I am rotten and I hit everyone in their faces like I don't care.  I don't want to be that person.  I don't want to be evil.  I believe in goodness but I am evil.  I'm clueless.  I'm in abyss.  God help me. 😭

Yvelle's Syndrome

I didn't realize it's been 4 months since I last updated this little blog I've been pouring my heart out to whenever I feel like it.  There are a lot of times I'd like to keep you updated but there are certain scenarios in my life I'd like to keep to myself because of embarrassment maybe?  Like getting fired.

Again.

It's something that happens to me all the time.  I have the habit of losing my job.  There were instances I did something that led me to lose my job.  There were times that the job just wasn't for me.  However, I was never terminated nor dismissed if you look into the books except for this time.  This is the very first time my employment got ceased by the company.  It's not because of fraud or something malicious.  But I'm beginning to think I'm no longer fit to work because of some neurological reasons.  Yes, I see a neurologist regularly.  He concluded that my brain is scarred from the accident I had 10 years ago so he can't exactly rule out my head trauma.  I do have an unknown medical condition and I'm on medications.  My neurologist advised he 'could' refer me to a psychiatrist because he couldn't figure out what's wrong with me.  It's very frustrating.  It costs a lot.  P3,500 per session to be exact.  One session is one hour.  Nobody knows what my condition is.  I have the feeling that this type of condition does not exist yet in our time or should I say is not recognized yet.  But I would like to name it Yvelle's Syndrome.  It's very difficult for me to keep up.  There is something about the way I see things and the way it is retained in my memory.  Things become very inaccurate and it is horrifying once I realize the reality of the matter.  It would drag me down and keep me in the zone of trying to remember what happened, why it happened and how it happened.  Is it even possible for that kind of scenario to happen or was it all in my mind?  Am I just imagining things?  Why was it extremely vivid and instantaneous up to the very last detail?  It's very exhausting just to try to figure it out when I can just move on and go with the swing of things just like everyone else.  But I couldn't.  I won't be able to keep up.  My neurologist say my brain is like a computer.  If several apps are up, it slows down.  But several times I catch myself blank.  I zone out a lot.  And when I do that, I'm afloat.  I'm physically present but I'm drifting and peaceful.

There are so many things to do.  There are so many things to explore.  I have so many things to say.  But there is so little time.

I'm Not Ready Because I Am Sick. Period.

To be honest, I am delighted with the idea of a possible relationship.  At last, there is someone that I can be with again, finally!  It's been a lonely road and I'm the type of person who's not really used to being alone.  I always appreciate company of friends or anyone I'm comfortable with.  I need someone to be with all the time.  I'm not confident to be alone anymore.  I know that I am clingy to my friends and to people around me just because.. I love to be around people.  It makes my life more interesting and happy.  I remember having a boyfriend for a very long time and I remember not being clingy with him because I remember he complained a lot about it.  I remember my friends told me that whenever I plan something, it's always with friends and not with my boyfriend.  It's possible that I never really liked him that much because I was more clingy to my friends than with him.  Why am I saying this?

Because for the first time in my life, it feels so right.  It's true!  God works in mysterious ways.  I can prove it to anyone time and again.  Amidst the mayhem in my life, I feel something ironically right.  I feel and I know His Hand is making it's way to work magic.

One incongruent night at work, I realized I can't be in a relationship.  That poor guy will become my shock absorber.  I'm not well.  I would cry all the time and I would always look for him.  I also see myself calling him in the middle of the night because I need a place to stay.  I left home again and I need a place to crash.  It happened several times but I call and bother my friends because I'm single.  It's less complicated because, if it's my boyfriend I would bother, living together would become an option.  Though I know it would be so much easier for me to leave home and be away from home.  My life would be more peaceful and free.  Things would be so much easier! I know!  But why is it not one of my options?

How can a relationship work if I'm broken?  

I need to heal.  I need to be okay being alone and then everything will follow.

But I'm tired.  I'm tired of being alone.  It just feels so good to be with someone that I can count on all the time just like with ------ or ----- or -------- or ------ and a whole lot more.  

My life was fun back then and I was never alone.  I can always depend on someone.  But somewhere, somehow, I knew that it wasn't right.  I don't know but something tells me, it wasn't right.  No matter how much happy I was or how much fun it was, I knew that it wasn't right.  I did fight for it.  I go crazy in love too.  I guess it wasn't just supposed to be.

This time around, I won't fight for it any longer but I want to make it right.  I'm not ready.  It's a "NO".  But somewhere, somehow, I know.  It will become.

God is good.  I'll make it right this time.

My Very First Official Chill Pill

The first feeling I recognize is becoming sleepy.  I felt like I want to sleep.  In a way I felt like I was high because I felt relaxed and just right.  It's almost the same feeling as whenever I'm stoned disregarding euphoria and hallucination.  I got the feeling of wanting to drink some beer with it just the same cravings I get every time I smoke weed.

I was at work and took the chill pill a few minutes after I cried at my desk.  After 9pm, I went home and went straight to my bed.  I don't remember if I still had dinner.  I think I went straight to bed.  I could be wrong.  Who knows?

The following morning, I went down past 11am and Hitler asked if I'm not going to work yet.  He was calm because he thought I had work.  When I told him it's my rest day, he went ballistic and acted like I just told him "I got fired again."  He was expecting me to be joining them on Sundays if I'm not working.  We usually catch the 11am mass.  But I'm on the chill pill so I was able to completely ignore what he did.  I just asked Kakay to ring my phone because I couldn't find it.

I remember, Hitler never even have gone ballistic whenever I tell him I don't have a job anymore.  I'm just trying to paint a picture.  I can't think of anything that I can say that Hitler won't get mad at because to be honest, everything you tell him nowadays makes him go mad.  I really think he's gone mad and would need to seek professional help.  Right now, there is an ongoing commotion downstairs.  He screamed and has gone crazy again.  I went down to check it out and the arguments are still on going right now as we speak.

They went back and picked me up after their church earlier and we had lunch outside as usual.  These little scenarios in my life which are like part of my mundane rut made me realize things which I'd probably share in my next entry.

Adjustment Disorder With Features of Anxiety

What is it?

I don't even know what it means or that it's happening but I realize there are some dramas in my life that I don't understand anymore. 

Suddenly, I'm no longer in control.

I'm confused. 

It's mind-altering and unnerving but there is no particular reason. 

There maybe is a reason or there are reasons but there's no direction. 

There is no trigger and there is no cure. 

It's just there and it's really bothering you. 

You're uneasy and confused for a very long time that it becomes stressful because there is no start nor end.  It's just suddenly there and it can be glaring or painful and troublesome for a very long time. 

It definitely moved me. 

There is an impact but there is no impasse.

There is nothing more left for me to do.

I took the chill pill.

I'll keep you posted.

Real To My Core

On my last entry, I have declared that I will be putting entries here as much as I can moving forward.  I remember setting an interval of like once or twice a week, as much as possible.

Okay.  I just read the last entry and I wrote it there.  I said "weekly" or "every other day if not daily".   It's been 16 days after my last entry.  If it's any consolation, there were several times I've thought of writing my thoughts here.  There were several random thoughts which made me feel the vibe of validating them by putting it here.  Let me see if I can remember them... (pause & think @ 9:37pm)

I zoned back in at 9:41pm and yes I remembered.  I think..

Pardon me for I do have the habit of tracking my time lapses whenever I am consciously doing it. 

I was thinking about people who would be part of this blog.  These people would be my family and friends who made a big impact in my life and are still making an impact on my life.  Practically, everyone I know can be part of this blog.  Anyone I know who can make an impact in my life significantly or not, in the past, present and in the future.  But I was more concerned on how they would feel in the event they would discover that they have become a main character in one of my entries here.  I'm concerned because these people in my mind won't look pretty in public.  They won't look pretty because it's their ugliest side I will popularize - their most awful and rotten side that they don't want anyone else to know.  Most importantly, it's the reality of my life.  I'm not creating this to demean anyone.  This is not some sort of revenge nor a way to attack anyone I know.  I'm not creating this to become popular.  This, again, is me to the core.  This is real talk.  It's my reality and not anyone else's.  The way I see it, if there is the slightest chance this blog would go viral, would hit any charts or go insanely popular, it's because this is the realest that anyone can be. 

It occurred to me that after I had that infamous car accident in 2009, several brain cells or nerves were lost.  Unfortunately, one of those vital nerves include the ones responsible for filtering emotion or lack thereof.  It has become very hard for me to lie.  I say things exactly as they are.  My comprehension on why one has to rephrase, sugarcoat or use a better scripting in order to sound more acceptable needs help.  This is also one way for me to define the word REAL.

No euphemisms. 

No conscious effort of making it sound better.

This is real as it can be.

Who knows that what we understand as "awful" here in our cosmos is actually the opposite in a different world?  We'll never know.

Bottomline is, I will be real to my core.  Nothing will be able to hold me back now.

Reactive People Versus Non-Reactive People. Who Wins?

I have been writing regularly but only every time I get the chance.  Our time is a luxury because sooner or later our time in the cosmos will end.  So every time I get the chance I write my own musings in my solitude.  I guess it helps me get by and it helps me remember things.  There are several things that happen to our lives and some are worth remembering.  Those beautiful and awful things I have to put on paper.  You see, I appreciate even the awful things in life.  Life is good and it feels good to be alive.  I love writing!  Literally, getting a pen and a paper and writing the letters one by one the traditional way.  I even write in print and never in cursive.  That's probably the reason why it took a while for me to put entries here.  

Since I went to US back in August, last year, it triggered the need to put my entries here instead of the notebooks or journals that I have to carry with me wherever I go.  It's very inconvenient and unnecessary when I know there is an easier way to be able to achieve the same goal with my laptop.  Though I'm not able to write using a pen and some notebook considering I have my own sentiments on writing the traditional way, it's easier to for me to put my thoughts into writing because I type faster than I write on paper.  Plus there will be no erasures because it's easy to just delete and edit.  

I have decided to make this one of my weekly, if not daily or every other day habit.  Who knows, this will become one of the top-selling books of the century.  I don't think it's impossible.  I actually think it has a big chance.  Everything written here is real to my core.  It's me, my private life, my disappearing memories, my personal thoughts and experiences which are not very common.  It's not everyday that you can get into a freaking accident and survive a vehicle which rolled over multiple times and fell into a 6 feet deep ditch.  Surviving and forgetting it happened for real is one thing but putting the pieces back together when you have no clue where to pick up the little pieces of you is another.  Imagine your life stopped and you literally have no idea why.  People around you telling you about your life and at the same time you realize that you really have no clue about why your life has to change.  Everyone I know think I'm not an ordinary person.  Majority of them actually think I'm crazy.  I know sometimes I think I'm crazy too but I have resigned to the fact that I am eccentric. Or not.  I would prefer to think I'm not crazy so let's just say I'm extra ordinary.  There are people who have resort to calling me names and I don't take offense not because what they're saying is not true.  Sometimes the reason is they make sense so I just don't say anything or try to be cryptic by laughing.  I have this habit of being non-responsive to several 'supposedly' VERY offensive remarks thrown at my face.  I become non-reactive.  I don't react because I really don't feel anything about it and so I can easily just shrug it off.  Sometimes I even laugh because I find it funny and true.  But I don't get people who choose to throw those offensive remarks at me and they lose it if I say something back.  They go crazy if they get those strong remarks even if it didn't come from me.

If you can throw those strong remarks to other people then you should be capable of receiving them too and not overreact about it.  I'm very straight-forward.  It's real talk with me and I appreciate the same thing.  I don't go crazy over comments thrown at me even if I don't deserve it.  I'm cool!  I say this all the time.  It will take more than your own monsters to move me.  Though you can always give it a try.

I Love My Sick Life

I have been through so much that some times I feel numb when people try to hurt me.  You know in my world, there are people who would really try to hurt you.  I don't know if it's a common thing but I have experienced it.  People who would deliberately try to offend you or make you feel or look bad exist!  I don't understand what kind of pleasure they get in doing so.  I find it really low and pathetic and I pity them.  The very moment I would realise they are that kind of people, I don't feel anything.  I don't feel scared.  I get annoyed knowing that I have to deal with it.  Not again! 

Trust me when I tell you I know how darkness feels but I never want to cut my life short.  I'm not scared of death.  If I would die tonight, I know that I will be safe.  I will go somewhere with light.  Finally! 

Maybe because I've endured being in the dark and being in pain for too long.  I'm not scared anymore.  I know I have forgiven.  I don't hate.  Maybe I do know how to hate the superficial things in life but I don't really hate.  Though I'm getting a lot of hating.  It feels so tiring.  I feel so tired.  Sometimes I just want to rest.  Maybe that's why I'm not scared to die.  Life has been hard for me every day.  I try to survive every day but it seems a very long and scary road.  It is scary because it doesn't end when the emotion you savour is not really pretty.  Sometimes, I feel I will never really get to my destination.  Somebody told me, it's the journey that really matters.  But what if this journey has been so exhausting?  People I look up to are changing and suddenly becoming monsters of these games I'm beginning to learn.  I'm tired of playing. 

I feel a human's vibe.  I see their soul.  I see their spirit and their emotion.  I feel numb and tired at the same time.  It's exhausting to look at lost souls and they think they don't need saving because to them, I need to be fixed.  I am a mess and it's either I kneel down before them and surrender to whatever or I was really born to go to hell. 

I'm tired of waiting.  I'm scared that there may be no end to this waiting game.  But I feel light.  Maybe because I know that I have done the right things.  I have loved truly and I have felt excruciating pain.  I endured it.  I'm just tired.  Sometimes hope wears off.  Maybe I've been waiting for so long and I'm still waiting until now. 

What's weird is, sometimes, I don't really know what I've been waiting for.  It's like I've wanted something so much but then I suddenly forget what is it really that I want?  Is it love?  Financial freedom?  Independence?  I've forgotten.  I thought I've been waiting for it so bad.  How can you forget what you really want?  Do you really want it or you're just pretending you want it just because..

Sometimes I feel that there is a certain charisma to being forgetful.  I forget all the blunders.  I forget the pain in an instant.  One moment it was heavy and painful then suddenly it's joyful bliss.  I switch to the next emotion and forget everything in a snap.  Sometimes I feel that's like an asset.  It's a big deal especially if it hits you straight to your core then suddenly it's gone.  You forget the pains but you remember the emotion.  Something sticks to you.  You would never know what stays with you but you know it stays with you and you remember just that.

Sometimes I get scared of forgetting.  Sometimes I don't feel like I'm still sane.  Sometimes my moments become surreal and sometimes I forget which one is reality and which one is imagination.  Which is which?  What is what?  I'm serious.  Never mind.  I won't remember anyway.

But writing helps me remember it.  Now I will remember this.