The Vow

I shall never think, recall, remember, reminisce about anything that Ace did to me in the past. The bad things, the lies, the pretenses, the fakeness. All the shit that Ace put in my face must never be remembered and thought of over and over again, in detail and as vivid as I can remember. This is a vow that I am determined to achieve. God will be with me on this like how he always is. God will send me his grace and the will and the strength to attain this. I will succeed in this vow. I'm giving myself until August 15, 2012 which is my desired resignation date or earlier. My filed resignation date is July 31, 2012 but I'm giving myself a leeway. So by August 15, 2012 I have totally, totally moved on without any Ace Air, Ace Cloud, Ace Storm. This is a VOW and God is with me on this.

>kept this post in drafts from the day I wrote it and when I decided to publish it, it posts as November 11, 2012.  It's wrong coz this is actually so passe. I should have published it the day I wrote it. Too late now. 

 

>Plus I don't remember when was the exact date I created this.  So, yes!  I finally decided to publish this today (January 16, 2021, Saturday, 5:01pm) because this is actually a remarkable reminder how powerful our mind is.  I moved on quickly from a 5-year relationship which was supposed to end up in marriage.  We broke up and I was able to officially move on after 4 months with all smiles.  No bitterness.  Just smiles.  Life is good.  God is good.

This Is How I Will Pen My Feasibility Write-up, TODAY

          Intermingling the classic and the modern, the austere and the adorned and the moderate and the bold in the different characters of table setting, we have created a fusion which entices the patrons of the delicate blend of East and West. We have prepared a menu that we have painstakingly studied and tested to create our masterpiece. Through collection of ingredients from sporadic parts of the western world and then blending it with the precious east, we brought Asian authenticity to a whole new level. The cuisine being more on the Asian origin with a Western twist ingeniously made it apt to international palate.

          On the dining table, we used delicate white square plates as Western glassware on wooden placemats as Asian place setting. On the centerpiece, we used pebbles and rocks placed on a wide vase expressing a sense of tranquility symbolizing the simplicity of Asian living. Putting flowers and a candle enhances the beauty and elegance of our centerpiece. It rests on an abaca mat with the playful colors of blue, red and orange. We blended different shades of brown on our menu card, table napkins and chair skirts from dark copper brown to light cream with the audacious colors of orange, blue and red. Intermixing austere colors with audacious ones spontaneously fuses together Eastern and Western fashion. The colors of blue, red and orange represent the immense diversity of Asian culture and tradition and at the same time, the bold and the adorned art and spirit of the West.

          On the wine table, we have set a simple vase and a Japanese lamp that manifests the subtle grace of Eastern art and putting a Western-inspired flower as decoration together with the wine and the tea as the meal-ender.

          Inspired by the tradition and culture of the East, the elements of nature come to life with a sophisticated Western twist.

Xyra

8/8/2012

A Feasibility Write-up Back in 2003

Ingenious Art and Cuisine in the Unity of East and West

     Expressing the classic and the modern, the austere and the adorned, the moderate and the bold, in the different features of table setting, we have created a fusion that is appealing to those who appreciate and enjoy the delicate blend of East and West. We have prepared a creative menu that we have painstakingly studied, collecting ideas from the sporadic parts of the Western world, blending it with the precious East defining vividly on Asian authenticity. As you can see, the cuisine is more on Asian origin but giving it a Western touch and mixing the flavors of the East and West completes the cuisine and makes it apt to the international palate.

     On the dining table, we used delicate white square plates with the wooden place mat to introduce a Western attitude on Asian fashion. On the centerpiece, we used pebbles and rocks placed in on elegant wide bringing out a sense of tranquility and simplicity of Asian living. Putting flowers and a candle enhances the beauty and elegance. It rests on an abaca mat with the playful colors of blue, red and orange and using the colors of the different shades of brown on our menu card, table napkins and on the chair skirts from dark copper brown to light cream, and with the audacious colors of orange, blue and red. Playing with austere colors with audacious ones expresses our spontaneity in fusin Eastern and Western style. The colors of blue, red and orange represent the immense diversity of Asian culture and tradition and also the bold and the adorned art and spirit of the West.

     On the wine table, we have set a simple vase and a Japanese lamp that manifests subtle grace of Eastern art and putting a Western-inspired flower as decoration together with the wine and the tea as the meal-ender.

     Inspired by Japanese tradition and culture, the elements of nature come to life with a Western approach of sophistication.

written in Junior year 2003 (1st semester), for our Resort Spa Feasibility Gallery in UST

There Has Been Mayhem In My Brain Ever Since

 An excerpt to a letter I wrote in highschool:

Retreat '00

To whom it may concern: 

-> Naiinis talga ko sanyo kaya ang weird ko nung Tuesday. Pero hindi ko masasabi sanyo kung bakit ako naiinis non kc naguguluhan pa ako chka di ko alam kung bat ako inis kc diba la naman kayong ginagawa sakin na masama pero sobrang inis na talga ako na di ko maexplain. Ayoko kayong awayin pero nasobrahan na talga ako na kaylangan nang mailabas. Naisip ko masmaganda kung di ko nalang muna kayo papansinin.

-> So, since na eto na, sasabihin ko na kc nafigure-out ko na kung bakit ako inis. Inis ako kc...

-> I'm not mad at you after all. Inis ako dun sa nangyayari pero hindi sanyo. Now I understand why I'm hesitating to tell you that I'm mad. Because I'm really confused. Hindi pala ako galit sanyo pero dun sa nangyayari kase it's damn fucking me up! Pero inis din ako sanyo ng onte siguro... ewan ko!  

-> So, yun lang yon... Did I answer your questions? Sorry kung napaaga ang retreat letter ko dahil eto na yon. Sorry rin kung naging nasty ako sanyo nung Tuesday lalo na kay Ross. Sorry talga! Didn't mean to do that.

Nick Carter

So... it's been a while since I've been messed up this way. 

Go figure.

Dad's Retreat Letter: 1st Year Highschool (1998)

December 14, 1998

Dear Yvelle,

         We are very glad that you will undertake your Holy Retreat in Cavite. This can provide you the opportunity to have a self-examination and retrospect of your real self. We earnestly hope that the conduciveness of the place  and the call of the time will be of great help for you to know more of yourself and know more Jesus.

          You know Yvelle, you have been a problem child to us and personally I had difficulties in making you realize who you are as a daughter, as a younger sister to your Ate Yvette, as an elder sister to your younger sister Kakay and younger brother Dodoy. I have a hard time making you realize who you are as a student, as a growing child and as a citizen. More often than not I have to control myself in dealing with you otherwise I maybe able to hurt you physically which happened in some instances. I regret it time and again and hoping that it may change you. But seemingly it did not work. I have to admit I failed to correct you at least to make you realize your shortcomings. It's a surrender and did not surprise that your mom has the same notion with mine. But this not the end of the fight. There is still light at the end of the tunnel. God is not sleeping and He can provide the way. I just hope that this time you start to know yourself and know more Jesus who give us life and bread.

          Yvelle, we know that you have so many qualities in yourself and God is so kind to give them to you. You should reciprocate it by being nice, loving and caring to your sisters and brother and respectful to your mom and to me. We love you very much the reason why we want you to change your attitude. In fact you are my favorite and very important to me. My only consolation is for you to be a good girl, should be very friendly to everybody in the household, talk and speak softly with love and care and be an extrovert and sociable lady. These qualities can make you more beautiful and intelligent and I'm 100% sure that in this retreat of yours and with our support and understanding you will be a brand new Yvelle tomorrow. The Yvelle my lovely daughter that all of us in the family can be proud of. A new image of hope and good qualities and wisdom. A new Yvelle who speak so softly and with care and seldom quarrel with anyone.

          God is always with you and with our prayers and care you will truly make it.

We love you Yvelle,
Daddy and Mommy

Dad's Retreat Letter: 7th Grade (1997)

September 29, 1997

Dearest Yvelle,

          I really thanked the Lord and also your school administration for making things happen - your retreat.  

          Retreat in essence is a time to examine one's self, a time to reflect on your acts and words, your deeds and outlook and your values and discretion if it were indeed in accordance with God's teaching, the dictate of our Christian faith and the training of your parents - our expectations from you. You will understand then why God or spiritual is the center of your activities and why is it away from the hustle of a busy city life and material world. 

          You need to have a break on your routine for you to have a "focus" on yourself. You have to realize that as a creature of God, as our daughter, as a sister, as a student and as a citizen of the community you have a role to play in what we call the real drama of life. In all these undertakings and relationship mentioned we want and expect you to be a good good girl simply because we really love you.

          My daughter, please take this opportunity to once again examine yourself honestly if you were indeed a good girl and if not then its time to resolve and commit to yourself to make this happen and we would be very very happy. Equally important is your openness to accept your shortcomings and deficiencies after all it is not late yet. In fact it is just the beginning and you are just starting to grow and now is the time to start.

          Honestly, I am very happy for you with the good showing and improvement you did in your academic ratings. I would be very happy however if you reach-out with your sisters -respect  to your elder and have affection, care and understanding to your younger ones.

          You have to open your heart and display warm regards to your Ate Yvette. You have to respect her as your elder and next to us in the same manner that we want you to be respected by Dodoy and Kakay. Try to be friendly to your Ate Yvette. Try to dialogue her and show some concern and great respect after all you are younger than her. Treat her as your mentor, your barkada and be amiable to her and I'm sure she would do the same and even to more because good things and love are contagious and the credit is on you because you started it all. Love begets love and conversely if you harbor hate and resentment it will reproduce and multiply more hate and trouble and harmony can never be attained in our family. Harmony in our family is my inspiration and motivation to work hard and earn more for all of you.

          Also, be understanding to the ways of Kakay and Dodoy for they are still young. We are around anyway to guide them and teach them little by little the way we did to you before. Show some affection and care for them because they love you too and will respect you wholeheartedly and will do more with your initiative.

          Be happy and love the things you do. Always smile especially with people around whom they are as a way of thinking the Lord and your parents for giving you - a beautiful life. You have to be friendly to all and improve your P.R (public relations and human dealings)

          Finally, we wish to let you know that we expect so much from you and out of your retreat a new Yvelle will come out. All of this simply, because we love you always.

Love

Daddy and Mommy

My Dad's Retreat Letter: 6th Grade (1996)

September 25, 1996

Dear Yvelle,

          I'm glad that your school always schedule an annual retreat. It should be given much importance because it is a rare moment where one could escape for a while from a hectic daily routine to have a full time of maybe one day or two, a time for self-examination.

    

          This is part of your training and group dynamics exposure, spiritual renewal and growing up for soon you will be high school. Please try to realize now that personality and behavior are the most important ingredients that makes an external person while fear in God, respect for the parents and elder sister or brother or relatives is what will make up for your internal person. Retreat would mean looking back, going back, reviewing your past actions and behavior so that when you move again or starting tomorrow you would begin to throw away wrong attitude and bad habits and start a new life with good habits, improved personality and "pakikisama" not only to us, your parents but likewise to your elder sister Yvette, sister Kakay and brother Dodoy. Yvelle you are now grown up and should behave like a grown up child who is disciplined, refined, morally upright, good natured, pleasant personality and amiable to all, good public relations. You should be God fearing and give respect to parents, elder sister and old relatives and teachers. Always practice the golden rule where "you do unto others what would you like others would o unto you." Don't be rough or act like rascals. Maintain self-respect and self-restraint. Give due respect to your Ate Yvette so that your younger breed (unreadable) would do the same to you. Yvette will be held liable for her failure but would not give you an excuse to make bastos or misbehave with her. Never fight back because if you do so as if you did that to us or there will be always trouble in our family and I feel sick.

          Your key to success is preparations, hard-work and seek God's guidance. Rise up again in case you stumble down and show to the world that you can make it and be a winner too in due time. Don't despair and if you failed never have that self-pity and helpless feeling. Always pray to God Jesus Christ that He will help you in your problem day and night. Show that you are strong, talented and can face the challenges of life. Always be jolly that you live in this world and in our bossoms (unreadable). With these in your heart and mind I'm sure you will be somebody and very successful someday. Follow what I want you to do and you will cherish the blessings of hard work and the kindness of God up high.

          So long and good luck! Have a successful retreat.

Love,

Daddy and Mommy

A Poem For Me By Norman Granados Back In College

bakit di ka nila maunawaan?
Ano ba ang 'yon pagkukulang?
bakit ka nila ginaganyan?

'di ko maintindihan
Pati ako nahihirapan
'pag nakikita ko ang inyong kalagayan

'di kita kinakaawaan
'di din kita kinakampihan
Gusto ko lang, kayo'y magkaayusan

ikaw ay labis na nasasaktan
Sila 'man siguro'y di nasisiyahan
Pero, ano ba ang pinagmulan?

'di kase tayo nakakapagkwentuhan
Ayaw din kitang umiyak na naman
Pero, gusto kitang tulungan

'wag mong isipin na ikay' nawalan,
dahil sila ang tunay na nawalan,
Ng tapat na kaibigan.

'di pa 'to ang katapusan
Marami ka pang maaasahan
Kami din ay iyong kaibigan.

Tama na ang dramahan
masyado nang marami ang naapektuhan
Tanggapin na lang natin ang katotohanan

'di na mababalik ang nakaraan
Ang mahalaga ay ang kasalukuyan
At alam mo ang 'yong pinaglalaban

Ginusto nila yan,
'di ba masaya ka din naman?
isang ngiti naman jan!
(cute/ugly/funny drawing of a cheer dancer with pompom haha)

End.

-Norman Granados
4H2

written by Norman in 2004 or 2005

When my teacher in highschool asked me to create a letter of what I want to be when I grow up

Here was what I wrote:

November 22, 2000

Dear... imaginary friend,

           eio! zup? drop by to say hi! Actually, I really got I mean I ain't got nuthin' to say to u! My goddamn teacher wanted me to write sumtin 'bout my life to a person whom I would wanna toss my shit out. U know whut I'm sayin'? Tell u honestly, I have no idea I mean I ain't havin no idea 'bout wut the fuck I'm talkin 'bout hir. Ok, letz get downa business... my teacher told us to write about my future self. Mhan, I'm so wasted!!! I'm tellin u ryt now, I really want to be a performing artist! I want to be rappin my ass out on stage like Eminem or Lil' bow wow or Snoop or Layz or whoever big black assed on the loose. I dunno, tell, I mean you can say I'm havin' a loose screw or sumtin but that's my fantasy ya'll. If you ask me, what I'mah do if eva I were given a chance to control my destiny. I'mah twist every corner of it & givit wut it yearns to be. A mutherfuckin, asswhoopin' rapper I'll make it as!

           Fuck ya'll who flay up on me! I don't care wachathink! But honestly, I'm quick to change mah mind. It would take you only 1 fuckin minute to make me change my mind because that's how soft I am. But I'm one offensive nasty bitch right now & I'mah tell you, ur gonna die honky if you flay-up on my fantasy as of now. In mah time, mah place, mah plans, I'm da mutherfuckin boss round here! & know were ur at!

          Got it!

rackafellaya'll

YveZ

Yes, I know. I hear you. 

I may have some serious issues back then. 

But admit it, it's funny reading this now, huh?! 

 

Letters from Mean Girls in 2006

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12-18-06
Hi Kulot,
Musta na? I was here! hehe.... dito me sa chair mo kasi wala ka anyway thank you so much bout last nyt ha... I really appreciate what you did thank you for all the advice... hope I can apply it to my situation. Mahirap talaga but I need to... tnx ulit

miss you!
(unknown)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12/22/2006
HI XYRA,
I HOPE OK KA NA. BAYAAN MO SELOS LANG YAN, O BAKA NAMAN EPEKTO LANG NG PILLS MO YAN.
TAKE CARE LOVE LOTS
EMILY
P.S. ISA LANG NAMAN ANG DAHILAN CIA UN!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
12/25/06 16:12
XYRA,
MERRY CHRISTMAS... & A HAPPY NEW YEAR!


THANKS FOR EVERYTHING AND FOR BEING A TRUE FRIEND! SORRY IF I HURT YOU IN ANY WAY!
LOVE YOU GIRL! =)
(unknown)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 12/31/06 3:11am
XYRA...
SORRY HA! KINDA MAGULO LANG ME NGAYON KAYA MOODY ME! MAYBE I JUST MISS YOU GUYS... BASTA ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF K! I'M JUST A TEXT AWAY! SEE YAH! LOVE YAH! =P MWUAHKS...
(unknown)
 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Final Word To Attain MY VOW

(You might think it's stupid, I know. You write and you just hope and you trust that the message will come across. I guess this is what happens if you were not given a closure. You act on it and give yourself a decent closure. It's over! haha I'm all smiles...)

My last message for Ace:

"I don't hate you. It's over and acceptance is the key. Apparently I have fully accepted everything. I feel light as a feather. Maybe because I know in my heart that I didn't do anything to hurt you. I didn't do anything wrong. I did everything for the best. I never lied. I never cheated. I was a good person to you. My heart is pure. I think that's the reason why I feel happy and free! There's no guilt, no remorse, no regrets but all smiles. There is no more hate in my heart after all. Even after all the things you did, I am happy. I am free! Whatever happened, whatever you did.. is definitely not my burden to take. I'm guilt-free!

I just want you to know Ace, that I don't hate you. I still love you and I would only want the best for you. I thank you for all the love that you have given me. I appreciate everything that you did for me and all the efforts you made for me. I thank you for the genuine love and devotion you gave me. It mattered a lot to me. After all the bad things you did, I know you did something right and I keep that in my heart.

Wherever you are, whatever you do, I wish you all the best. I know you can not bear the idea of facing me again after everything you did. I just want you to know that I have already forgiven you and I really hope we can still be friends. I hope you forgive yourself too. There are other worse scenarios you know and other worse people than you. You're not all that bad. I know that you have a good heart. I hope you find yourself again.

There is still hope for you. I'm sorry if I ever did something or made you feel something that led you to be the way you are now. I want to be there for you.

Thank you so much for everything. You are a good person. You have a good heart. I really hope you come back to the your true self."

 It's never too late.

The Final Good byes = The End

• 

  August 4, 2012

  Xyra Contreras

  • Hello to you all,
    
    For the record, I just want to say that Ace had been a very good kuya to his siblings. When we were together, Ace was devoted to his family as much as he was devoted to me. He never sacrificed his family. He was always looking after their welfare. When we were together, our rule was always "our family first" because I also help my dad and my family.
    Back in the days, I saw the way my dad is with Ace. He was very responsible and he always made sure that his family is okay. He was very consistent in providing for them. I decided to message you because I want to give Ace credit for everything he had done for his family. He did everything for them. It was not easy for Ace especially when issues ALWAYS come into play. It’s unfair for Ace if his efforts are not noticed. Especially now, that he is no longer communicating well with Nanay and his family. It’s easy to notice the bad things and it’s so easy to forget the good things that one had done. It was very exhausting for Ace to begin with. I guess he just got tired.
    
    For all the bad things Ace had done, he definitely did something right and I keep that in my heart. I have already forgiven him. I hope he find it in his heart to forgive himself, come back to all of you, reunite with Nanay and his family. Ace has a good heart. Everything happens for a reason. I know you all love Ace to bits. I always wish the best for you and your family.
    
    This is my good bye to all of you. Thank you for everything and thank you so much for listening. God bless you all.
    
    Good bye
• 

  August 4, 2012

  Joselito Cedro Hitosis

  • Thanks for the admirable words your have spoken/written for our nephew Ace most esp your forgiveness. You made him that way in all in his good effort and love to his family and to you as well... I wish him and you all the best, praying that you continue to move on and see the brighter side of what happened.
    God bless you Xyra, Ingat palagi...
• 

  August 4, 2012

  Janneth Godwin

  • Thank you Xyra! You take care of yourself... All the best! Have a good life. Love to u and to your family xxx
    

Letters From Ace Five Years Ago

It's just amusing to find these letters and after reading it's content, I can say that it came from someone who is truly, deeply, madly in love. No hard feelings. Just smiles.

Baby Boo....

Don't falter and never lose hope in my love for you for it is the reason that makes me stronger and complete. It is always you whom I respect the most, whom I adore and look up to because of all the people I know of you treated me with the same things. You taught me things that I never would have known if I hadn't met you and because of you, I would not be who I am right now....

"I know I'm in love with you. Because each time we look at each other's eyes, my heart swells and skips a beat. When we talk about life, it renews my energy and gives me the courage to go on. Whenever we touch each other's hands., a kind of electricity courses through my body. And when we are in each other's arms, it's such a heavenly feeling.

I just know I'm in love with you, simply because I'm happy being with you."

I love you, simply because I really do and I won't get tired saying those words because it's meaning is true.

Ace

Baby ko,

It was really hard for me to write down the things that I wanna say to you.... I dunno why, you know, before I met you I was a decent writer. I could easily put my thoughts into a piece of paper but now I don't know where it is now... The thing about you is you push me... a lot. You tell me things that hurts me but it hurts me coz it's true, you push me to be the best man that I can be... You test me coz you know I could do better. You try my patience coz you want me to be patient. You help me realize the things that I've done wrong and make me realize it by thinking about it myself. You make me strong by showing that you care, you give me passion by looking crazy at me, showing romance by hugging or kissing me. Showing love by standing beside me through thick and thin...

I could give you a lot of reasons why I love you but really the only reason that I love you is because I really do love you.

Sorry if this letter was just given to you this late but I know you'll understand and forgive me...

Happy birthday My Love, My Baby, My Princess, My Life.

I Love you Xyra
*mwuah* 

Irony

In my four years stint in this company, I submitted a resignation letter twice. The first time was almost four years ago when I was with the company for only two months. I was pulled out several times. My trainer tried to convince me to stay. My colleagues did too. Our HR Business partner put me on retention sessions. I was firm. They promised me benefits and perks that will favor me. I gave in and decided to stay.

The second time was 2 years later. I rendered a 30 day grace period. Again, my manager tried to retain me. And again, I was firm with my decision. I was forwarded to her manager who, again, tried to retain me. She asked me to give them one more chance. I stayed quiet. She decided to give me what I wanted that would make me stay which is career growth and mobility so then I stayed.

Time came that I embraced this company. I love this company. I was an advocate. I had the habit of talking some sense to colleagues who have been dragging themselves to work and motivate them. Let them see the benefits and advantages that tends to be blurry at times because it gets overlooked due to stress of the mundane rut.

Until... I was forced to resign...

The Year That Started Everything

They say if you have a bad year, the year after that will be a great year. 

and vice versa?


It was the year 2010 when my family experienced a freak car accident. Everyone was okay except I was in a critical condition. It was the most eventful year of my life.

I survived.

I'm not sure anymore if it's a good thing that I survived that accident. If it's true what they say, here's an overview of my life in the past three years..

2010 The Freak Accident
This brought my family closer to God and closer to each other. My dad became open to me being in a relationship and my family loved him like their own. They saw how devoted he is to me and that he will be a good husband, just right for me. They say, it's not easy to find a man like him. I was very lucky.

2011 The Transformation and The Cheating
My boyfriend, my partner whom I kept a secret from my family for three years was finally introduced and let out to my family. He was loved and accepted like he's part of the family. Suddenly, this so called "devoted partner" transformed into someone unfamiliar. The cheating started in the year 2010, but the year 2011 was when he was becoming really transparent.

2012 The Revelaton, The Termination, The 200k Retrenchment Pay
The cheating with a "frontal female" was revealed.  I call it "Frontal Female" because she wasn't the real girl he cheated me on to begin with. The "cheating" started in 2010 with a disgusting jappayuki right at the same year when the so called "devoted partner" was revealed to my family.
I was forced to resign with the company I found comfort with for the last 4 years then I learned that there will be a 200k retrenchment pay if redeployment will be unsuccessful by September.

Tell me. What is ironic?

Somebody told me that the accident is just part of the script. If all of these are painstakingly planned and strategized to something..

Then what's next?

Awkward..

Here I am, moving forward.. happy.. free..

While your mom on the other hand is doing everything she can

So you will end up with me

It's awkward yes

I'm just a decent girl with a good upbringing

I just respond courteously

Nevertheless, hopes will be for you and not for me

Because it will always be my decision to make.

The Only Reason You Met Them: I Was In A COMA. Too Bad For Me.

This post from a friend struck me:
"Did you all ever consider me as a friend? I wish you could have told me the truth and spare me torture and anguish of feeling paranoid because I am constantly assured that I was loved and cared for, when all along there's really something going on with Dar and JM. I won't blame you guys, but MY INTUITION NEVER FAILS ME... thanks though..."

I feel you sis.. I don't know what to say..

Like you, I was constantly assured that I was loved and cared for..
That there is, there was and there will be no one else but me..
I am the only one that he ever wanted, he ever craved for and he ever loved deeply..
No one else!

And all of a sudden a psychotic blow without a warning. I would never have known the truth if I didn't seek it. I seriously regret trusting!

How do you deal? How do you respond?

You just accept. It's extremely painful and I thought I will never get over it.

It was harsh. He refused to give me closure, instead he dropped a bomb and then he hit the road. He was animalistic and merciless like a psycho. "Torture" is a perfect term!

If you come to think of it, it's not my loss. He went psycho and thank God he is now another woman's burden to take.

Gel, your foundation with Dar will remain and you would know best like my foundation with 'him' remains and I got the better hand. Everything happens for a reason. I am happy to have to experience this before marriage. It's an enlightenment for me. After 5 years of being together, God showed me the true nature of the man whom I almost married. It's actually one of the greatest blessings I ever had.

A man who is incapable of facing his issues and is unable to give a decent closure to the woman he truly loved, cared for and devoted himself to is someone that I would NEVER welcome in my life, what more be the father of my children?! NEVER!

I was raised by a man with a strong foundation-a man of principles. I am a product of a man who is God-fearing, affectionate and driven. I have good upbringing and I would despise someone who lives a lie and makes a fool out of himself and his family just like you Ace. I despise you! You turned into someone I don't know. What happened to "Ace"? Who are you?!

I regret the day that my family have known you. You met my family because I was unconscious and you will never have met my family if only I didn't get into a coma. It was not my choice to let my family see you and know you. If I can turn back time, I would go back to the day they met you and change what already happened. It was a big mistake for my family to know you. I wish they never have met you. I wish they never have known you. I have kept you a secret for 3 years and I should have just kept you a secret. But it was out of my hands, I was in a coma. You are someone that no girl can be proud of. You are an embarrassment Ace H. Victoria - to me and to everyone in your family. But I guess, everything really happens for a reason.

Look at me now. I'm standing strong. I'm happy. I'm free! I'm free of you and your bullshit!

Now, what are you?

Good luck to life and I hope you begin to find peace of mind.

One Last Trip To Let You Go

I was fully aware that I won't get my money back on this trip.  This June 3 trip where we went to far Bulacan and talked to Mama and Tito Father. These people don't have money.

I know that they can't really give me anything monetary given that it was my primary purpose. I just want to do everything that can be done so that when I reach the end, there's no looking back. I won't say: "I should have done this.." "I should have done that.." I could have done this and that.."

Now that my employment is in a very critical situation, I have become desperate to get my money back. It's only a matter of time before I lose my job and if that happens where will I get the money to pay that friggin' loan which has a monthly amortization of P10,023.23??? That is aside from my other bills and other monthly amortizations. There is my condo and my car. What about credit card bills, gas money, food and recreation?

But this trip gave me the will to let go

I am blessed with a good family, an amazing dad and supportive people around me. I'm letting go of that financial bind. I can do this. It will be hard and it will cause nuisance to people that loves me since I'm going constantly ask or borrow money from them. hahaha

I will get by.

At the very least, it was illuminating to talk to Mama and to Tito Father. I was illuminated that Ace really has become a psychotic liar. I feel sorry for you Ace.

You have done it and you just can't face it so you hide like a lunatic. You want to live a life of pretence, that's fine. It's your life. It's you! I have nothing to prove. You have got a lot of things to prove not to me but to yourself. You are not fooling me nor anyone else but yourself and your family who believed in you. Pathetic!

Now, nobody knows you. Do you still even know yourself? Why are you holding back? What are you scared of? Why can't you just be a man and face the reality of life. Live your life! And live it real!

My Semantics in "Moving On"

When Agnes asked me, "Why are you feeling that way?"

I realized just now, that I just want to be acknowledged. As you said, what happened to me was very traumatic. It's not easy to get over it. But I swallowed everything whole. I'm being strong on my own. I didn't ask help from anyone. I was shot down over and over again. I just get up without any help from anyone. Other people on the other hand, just can't stop talking about me. She can't stop posting trash about me. She can't stop bashing me all the way. I never, not once, mentioned anything about this fiasco to make myself look prettier. Not that I need to because... c'mon... facts are facts! haha

I can easily say, "No matter how hard you try, you can never replace what was even if you curl your hair!"

hahahaha

But no, I never utter a single word. I just don't feel like I need to. It's just not my cake. I send the message straight up.

I should be acting like the bitter one right?! But who's really bitter now? I just don't understand why YOU ARE?!

I was granted this experience. I accept it. I cope. I don't brood. I don't mope. I don't dwell. I guess I just want people to recognize that. What I had to experience is not simple. It's not easy at all. Maybe it's okay to feel some "Ace Air." Sometimes, it's an "Ace Cloud." And when God is sending me a message, He's giving me the "Ace Storm." But I feel good after I get His message.

Look at me now. I'm still moving forward and I'm standing strong. Sometimes, I need people to recognize that.

Oh by the way, to illuminate you on the semantics, there are things I call the Ace Air, the Ace Cloud, and the Ace Storm. The Ace Air is a fleeting moment of Ace memoirs. Simple things like quotes, words, songs, expressions or just about anything that reminds me of the past with Ace, it gives me the "Ace Air". It's fast and it's fleeting. If that weird, funny and awkward feeling is sustained, I call it the "Ace Cloud." There are times when an "Ace Cloud" arrives then I feel very heavy on my chest with no reason at all. My mind is blank but then it feels like there's a big rock jammed in my heart that I feel I needed to cry it out. It's weird and so much uncalled for but it happens. I call it the "Ace Storm." On a positive note, I only had the "Ace Storm" once and it illuminated me to something really surprising and sick. One big lie that opened a can of worms.

The "Ace Storm" was meant to happen. It happened for a reason and I'm glad it did. The "Ace Cloud" is seasonal. I only experienced it on the third month. I don't experience the "Ace Cloud" anymore though I still experience a lot of "Ace Air."

Schizophrenic

At the very least, the schizo is able to save me. The idea saved me.

Something I Had To Experience Alone

I decided to go on a retreat to give myself my own healing. I stayed in Assumption Sabbath Place Bagiuo City from March 20 to 22, 2012

I never travel alone. Whenever I travel, I'm always with friends, colleagues, family or acquaintance. It has to be always fun and adventurous but not this time. This is the very first time that I had to travel alone. It was very significant and memorable. I was alone and I took a bus. When we got to SCTEX, tears started rolling down my face non-stop! I have no idea why. Like what my neurologist said, the heart remembers what the mind forgets. My heart seems to remember every little detail of the accident that happened back in December of 2009. The whole event was completely wiped out of my memory. I acquired Retrograde Amnesia. I don't remember anything about this particular eventful life experience! But tears were non-stop! I suddenly felt very heavy for no reason at all. I don't know why I felt so heavy that I had to cry hard.



This is just some thoughts and prayers I put on paper. I just like writing them down and reading it afterwards.

Day 2 (March 21, 2012)


You are not a martyr to punish yourself. It's not even for the glory of God.

God is good for showing me things I need to see.

I need to love myself more. No more moping! No more wallowing in pain and misery!

I need to be open to people. I will be open to people.

Look forward. Move forward. If you look back, just smile.

After this retreat, I shall go back to Manila happier, lighter. I will accept this experience and learn from it.  Now I am wiser! I am stronger. I can be happier. I WILL MOVE ON!

I will be careful on how my thoughts shape my life. I am in control of my mind. I choose what I think. I choose to be free. I choose to leave everything behind. No more excess baggage. No more negative thoughts! It's not helping me. It's unhealthy. I will love myself more. I love myself and I need to show it. I will rise from all of this a better person. I accept everything. I see it. I learn from it. Thank you for this experience. Thank you life. Lord be with me. I AM MOVING ON!

I WILL KEEP ON MOVING ON!

God is good. Life is good.


Day 3 (March 22, 2012)


I will come out of this place a better person. I am stronger. I am wiser. I have a clean slate. My mind is blank. No more moping. No more thinking of irrational, unhealthy, worthless thoughts. God is giving me the power, the strenght, the grace to start anew. No prejudice. But a wiser woman. God is giving me the grace and the courage to move on happily. I am lighter. I feel lighter. I am free. I feel free.

Thank you Lord for guiding me all the way, for carrying me in times that I need you. I surrender to you my life. I surrender my moping and brooding and my wallowing in pain and misery. I thank you for granting me a happier and healthier spiritual life. I embrace this experience and hope that beautiful things will come my way at your will. Thank you Lord for the grace and beauty of life. Help me to see the beautiful things and accept this experience positively. Help me rise from this fall. Guide me all the way. Send me your Holy Spirit and bless my journey. I will keep on moving on! I have faith in you Lord. Your will be done.

Thank you.

This retreat totally set me free. It helped me accept the unacceptable and move on. God has his ways.

Bull's Eye!

Thanks to the lyrical poetry of Gotye

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over  
But had me believin' it was always something that I'd done  
But I don't wanna live that way  
Reading into every word you say  
You said that you could let it go  
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn't have to cut me off 
Make it like it never happened and that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger  
And that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low  
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number  
Guess that I don't need that though  
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

My Break Up Summary

A lot had happened over the past few months. I never knew that it had impacted me that much because now, people are saying I changed a lot. I loosened up. I opened up. Over the months I was in the dark. I was in the dark and I was kept there.

 "I'm not looking for anyone. I respect you. I respect our relationship. You're the one I want to be with."

This statement made me believe something at the very least. I was made to believe that we are doing something to make us better so we could be happier together. We needed some space. A breather. And after some time, it can work out better between us. I was in the dark for the past 5 months since one illuminating afternoon.

On February 21, 2012 around 4pm, the truth was unveiled. I unraveled something that gave a whole new meaning to the name "Ace Victoria". I was made to believe a big lie. The biggest frigging lie I can ever think of in my whole goddamn life. The truth didn't fill in holes at all. It totally changed everything in every twisted little detail. It's crazy! It was a lot to take in. Time is imperative for anyone to process and accept the whole fiasco!

I'm writing about it now because I want to put a validation to everything that transpired over the months. It's been 3 months and I want to keep you updated. Whenever I come back to this blog and read the entries before this, I read a state of mind that existed because it was made to believe something that isn't real. It may be real but it's plain sick and messed up now that I know the truth. There's a whole different story and it needs to be told.

I trusted someone that I was made to believe as the love of my life for the past 5 years. We had weddings plans and it was divulged to his family. I almost married the guy!

The love that brought me to where I am now and made me hope for something beautiful doesn't exist anymore. I wasn't even aware that I was made to hold on to the reality of the "past". A past that flowered genuine love that was unconditional. A past that can no longer be the present. Again, it was a goddamn lot to take in! Surprisingly, after a month, I swallowed everything whole and managed to move forward happy and free!

Somebody told me, I didn't do anything. He did that to himself. For someone who loved unconditionally and then ruin it unintentionally or deliberately after some time, is it a lot to take in? Ruining what once was a beautiful relationship is definitely something that one should learn to recover from. He would need someone to help him recover from this nasty reality he got himself into. Whoever that someone is, good riddance! And whatever happened to you Ace, I'm just glad it's no longer my burden to take.

You gave everything you got Ace. Passion, affection, love, devotion...

You changed yourself for me. You put me to the pedestal. You adored me from head to toe.

I guess, after some time that I haven't been doing the same thing, it began to matter. I still can't give in and...

it ruined you.

Maybe it's over but "over" is not a word that you know.

Hope you heal in time.

My Father's Instincts

One of the most intense moments in my life is seeing the only man who has loved me unconditionally confront the man whom I have loved the most and tell him it's just enough. It's enough!

That alone just ended everything.

Every time I think about that moment, tears just roll down my cheeks. He was full of emotions. I can see doubtless how he felt my pain no matter how hard I have tried to hide it. He just felt it all the way.

That moment is still so vivid and it's overwhelming. Being a man of principles, he considered something that is a question of morality because of me. All I think I did was to try to protect him from being devastated of the outcome of the choice he made.

I thought I was protecting something but in fact, it's provoking something.

That moment was a twist of fate. It was one of the ironies of life indeed.

I have kept the person whom I thought I'm going to be with for the rest of my life a secret. I kept it a secret for almost three years. Three years of subtlety and discreetness for a reason. To have to know that there is an awful side that I haven't seen is illuminating! God is good. Everything happens for a reason.

It was a twist of mind because it just set me free. It set me free from something I thought I don't want to lose. Some things are just not meant to be.

Now I'm free.

You Can't Move On If You're Still In The Dark

Every second I remind myself that I have to move on. I have to leave this place. This place that says 'you and I'. I have to accept the fact that it's over. There is no longer a 'you and me'. You are no longer happy with me. Everything has changed. It's no longer the two of us. You shall live your life. I shall live mine.

Every second I tell myself that. But no matter how hard I try to look away, I just know in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, it's not over. It's just not over. The love we had was real. It was so real! It just can't dissappear!

We seem so apart now but why do I still feel the fire burning. The heat of the memories are still burning.

That's just enough for me to believe that there is hope. There is hope for you and me after all. Everyday I tell myself to move on. It's just impossible if I know the future I will end up with is you.

So how do I move on if the future I know is you?